Instead of You (26 page)

   He kicked the tuba case out of the way and used his arms to part the uniforms, stepping through them furiously.  I stayed behind, back pressed against the wall, unable to move.

   “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”  He paced around the room, his hand pushing back his dark brown hair, only to have it flop right back around his face.  “This is one big metaphor for our entire relationship, McKenzie.  Hiding.  We’re hiding.”  He stopped and faced the wall he’d previously pushed me up against.  “This is bullshit!”

   I was startled by his outburst, and even more taken aback when I saw his hand slam into the wall in front of him.  Hayes had never been a violent person and seeing that side of him scared me, but not enough to keep me from going to him.

   I pressed my front to his back, wrapping my arms around his waist.  He was so much taller than me that my cheek rested right between his shoulder blades.  He was practically shaking with anger and I could feel his heart thumping inside his chest.

   “This part is only temporary,” I whispered, trying to calm him down.  “It won’t always be like this.  It won’t always be hard.”

   “You deserve better than this,” he rasped.  “You shouldn’t be in some dark room, hidden away.  You should be out in the daylight, with someone who can stand next to you proudly.”

   I squeezed him harder.  I loved him more for his words, but also hurt for him, knowing it was killing him a little to be in our situation.  I turned my head and pressed a kiss into his back through his white cotton shirt.  “I love you, and I’d rather be here in the dark with you than out in the light with anyone else.”

   He let out a sigh as one of his hands covered mine, twining his fingers through mine on his chest.  “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Hayes

   At first it was just crying.  Then it turned into screaming.  By Wednesday evening it was nothing short of night terrors.  She was screaming and practically nothing we could do would wake her.  Thursday morning, as the sun was rising, I was rocking my mother back and forth as she came out of her dreamlike state, as she sobbed, crying for the son she’d lost.  I resisted the urge to shake her, to bring her face right in front of mine and simply wake her up, to scream at her, “I’m still here!  You haven’t lost everyone and I still need you!”  But somehow I managed to maintain my composure.

   I knew she missed my father too, she had to, but most of her grief was focused on Cory.  Part of me was afraid once she finally pulled out of this, she’d start all over when she realized she’d never really mourned my father.

   Juggling my mother, teaching at the high school, McKenzie, and everything else that came along with a house and two deaths, had me exhausted by Thursday afternoon.  I sat at my kitchen table. Mrs. Harris sat across from me, waiting for me to make a decision.  I was supposed to be in Bellingham in three hours for my bi-weekly meetings with my cohorts, but I was exhausted and worried about leaving my mother alone for another night.

   “I’m worried about you driving, Hayes.  You look exhausted.”

   I scrubbed my hands over my face, trying to force some life back into me, to rouse the backup reserves I knew were stored in me somewhere.  “I’ll be fine.  Honestly, I think I can get there all right.  It might be the drive back that gives me trouble.”

   “So, go and stay the night.  I’ll be here all night anyhow.”

   “Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

   She shrugged.  “I can take a day off.  It’s not a big deal.”

   “It is a big deal,” I said, looking her in the eye, trying to wrap my head around how much she’d done for my mom since my father and Cory died.  She’d always been around,
always
been a surrogate aunt, the woman I saw just as much as my mom, who I knew cared just as much about me as she would someone actually related to her.  And as one did with family, I’d taken her for granted.  I probably still was.  But I didn’t want to.  “Thank you.”

   “Tell you what,” she said, reaching a hand out to mine, giving it a squeeze, then pulling away.  “Why don’t you take McKenzie?”  My eyes snapped up to meet hers, surprise coursing through me, followed closely by panic.  “She could drive you there, you could rest, and then you could both come back tomorrow morning.”

   She was looking at me, her eyes never wavering from mine, but it was almost as though she was trying to say more with her eyes than her words.  She was smiling, just slightly, and I was utterly confused.

   “You want me to take McKenzie with me?”

   “I want you both safe and happy,” she replied with honest sincerity.

   I wasn’t brave enough to ask her to confirm, but it was that moment where I suspected Mrs. Harris knew I was in love with her daughter.

   “McKenzie can get you there safely, and I trust you to make her happy.”

  
Fuck
.  She definitely knew.  I opened my mouth to—I didn’t know—explain myself?  Defend our relationship? To convince her that it definitely couldn’t be what she thought it was, but she held up her hand and stopped me.

   “It’s
okay
, Hayes,” she said softly.

   “We’ll be back tomorrow morning,” I said, trying to reassure her but I wasn’t sure of what.  She’d basically just told me she trusted me with her daughter, but for some reason that wasn’t enough.  I wanted to prove to her that I was
best
for McKenzie.  That no one could love her the way I did.  In that moment, something inside me snapped and no matter what happened next, I wasn’t going to let her mother think any less of our relationship.  “Look, I love her, Mrs. Harris.  I’ve loved her for a long time.  This isn’t something either of us fell into lightly, and she was never unfaithful to Cory.”

   She reached her hand out to me again, but this time leaving it there, gently rubbing mine.  “Sweetie, I know you and I know my daughter.  Neither of you would do anything to hurt people you care about.  If you love her like I think you do, then you want her to be as happy as I do, and she’s happiest with you.”

   “You can’t tell my mother.”

   She slowly pulled her hand away.  “I agree that right now is not the best time for your mom to hear about the two of you, but when she does find out, it shouldn’t be from me.  You should be the one to explain to her how you feel about McKenzie, but not until she’s mentally well enough to think clearly about what this all means.”

   “So you won’t tell her?”

   She shook her head.  “I don’t think it’s best for her right now.”

   I let out a huge sigh of relief.  Not only was it a relief to hear that she wouldn’t tell my mother, but the feeling of weight lifting off my shoulders, the release of tension now that somebody knew about us, was incredible.

   “Thank you,” I said, and it might have been the most sincere thing I’d said to anyone.  I was thankful for her compassion and her understanding, for not judging us or trying to convince us that what we were doing was wrong.  “Your support means the world to me.”

   “Just take care of my girl.  Be good for her.”

   I nodded.  It was all I could do.

   Ten minutes later I was knocking on Kenzie’s bedroom door, both anxious about the night away from my mom, but also elated to have some sort of stamp of approval from her mother.  Her bedroom door opened and I watched the surprise sweep over her face as I moved into her room, forcing her to step back. 

   “Hayes,” she managed, but that was all she got out before I pulled her into me and then spun around to press her back against the door.

   “Pack a bag,” I said, my eyes meeting hers, my hands coming to rest on her waist.  “You’re coming with me to Bellingham.”  Her eyes went wide.  “My meeting is tonight.  Soon, actually, so we need to get a move on.  But your mom suggested you come with me.”

   “My mom?” she was just as shocked as I had been at the suggestion.

   “She knows,” I whispered, moving my face into her neck, trying to breathe in the scent of her.  “She figured it out and she’s all right with it.”

   “
She knows
?”

   I nodded my head, my nose moving along the skin of her neck, and I could feel her shiver slightly against me from the touch.

   “She just told me she knows we’re together and she wants you to be happy.”  McKenzie was silent for a few moments, so I took the time to slide my hands up her back, bringing her body flush with mine, and to press my mouth into the crook where her neck met her shoulder.  “She said you could come with me.  Practically insisted.”

   “Okay,” she breathed, her hands moving slowly up my arms, over my shoulders, and threading through the hair at my nape.  I moved my lips up the column of her throat, loving the way her back arched and her hips pressed into me, but I had to pull away.  Even though I wanted nothing more than to bury myself in her, we had to leave, and I would have wanted more than three minutes with her had we continued.

   “I’m going to finish this later,” I said, kissing the underside of her chin.  “But right now I need you to throw together an overnight bag.”  I kissed her quickly on the mouth, not nearly long or deep enough, but I didn’t want to lose focus.  “I’ll meet you over at my house as soon as you’re ready, okay?”

   “All right,” she said, leaning her weight back against the door, my fingertips sliding off her skin.  “I’ll be over in a few.”  She stepped away from the door, letting me pull it open, and I left her house feeling lighter than I had in days.

Chapter Twenty-Three

McKenzie

   Hayes slept most of the way to Bellingham.  There was something that struck me as sweet about him sleeping while I was driving.  He’d started the drive with his hand on my thigh, and it had stayed there most of the trip.  I’d never tire of having Hayes touch me while he slept.  I kept the radio low and enjoyed the quiet drive.  The soothing sounds of the music playing softly and the road whizzing by outside the window lulled me into a sense of ease I hadn’t had in weeks.  In the quiet there was calm.

   Twenty minutes from his campus I woke Hayes up and we decided I would drop him off at his meeting and head to a coffee shop just down the street to work on some assignments I’d brought with me, and then we’d meet back up and head to his apartment.

   I pulled up in front of the cafe where he had his meeting and he pressed a fast kiss to my cheek, said a hasty good-bye, then hopped out of the car and practically ran to the door.  I smiled watching him, loving the fact that he seemed a little lighter too.

   I found a vacant table in the corner of the coffee shop and settled in, hoping to make a dent in my work.  Hayes had been busy all week trying to bring his mother back from the darkness she had fallen back into, and I hadn’t really been able to see him much.  The only bright side to that was I’d nearly completed all of my make-up work.  The sooner I finished the last few assignments, the sooner I felt like I could close the door on that part of my life with a little more force.

   I would always love Cory; of that I was sure.  But I couldn’t help but feel there were still parts of my life tying me back to him.  And even though homework seemed inconsequential, I wanted that whole terrible period of my life behind me.  I wanted desperately to look forward, to have the excitement of what was to come fill me, not the dread of the painful things that had happened in the past.

   So with my papers spread out, book open wide, and earphones plugged in, I set out to finish the last few things I was tasked with.  The time flew by and the focus came easily.  I let out a breath and slumped back into my chair, taking a moment to look around.

   What I hadn’t told Hayes, what I’d kept to myself while I watched him struggle with his mother and battle the darkness right along beside her, was that the same day Cory had gotten his acceptance letter to Central Florida University so had I.  So when I looked around the coffee shop, I imagined myself there in a year, in two years, three even, and I could picture myself spending countless nights at this very table.  I pictured Holly and Becca with me, because they’d gotten in too, but the image of Hayes was blurry.

   We’d been clinging to each other for the past few weeks, simply grasping on to each other so fiercely we’d never really loosened our hold to look around to try and see if we even really fit together.

   From behind me I heard a knocking and when I turned I saw Hayes’s smiling face on the other side of the window.  He looked tired, but also happy.  He walked to the door then headed straight for me.

   “Hey,” he said, a little out of breath, but bent to press a kiss to my mouth just before taking the empty seat across from me.

   “Hi.” I smiled at him, warmth spreading through me.  Being seen in public was still a novelty, so to have him kiss me in front of other people was something I wasn’t used to.  It was the best.

   “Get a lot of work done?”

   I slammed my textbook closed for emphasis and said, “Finished.”

   “With everything?”

   “One hundred percent caught up.”

   “That’s amazing, Kenz.”

   I shrugged.  “I’m just glad it’s done.”  I watched him run a hand through his hair and he let out a sigh.  “How was the meeting?”  He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

   “Pretty much the same as the last one.  We talk about what’s going well, talk about issues we have and get advice from each other.”

   “Sounds helpful.”  I had no idea what else to say.  He was a graduate student and I hadn’t even made it through high school yet.  I had no words of wisdom on how to best approach anything he was dealing with.

   “The meetings are required.  At the beginning of the program it was really helpful to have a group of people tackling the same issues as you were, and an experienced mentor to help guide the way.  But I kind of feel like if you don’t have it by now, you were never going to get it.”  He shrugged as if teaching were like riding a bike, or learning how to surf.  That, perhaps, it didn’t take a special kind of person to stand in front of a room full of teenagers and try to make them care about something like World War II.  “The best part of the meetings is when the advisor leaves to go home and the grad students all go out for a beer afterward.”  A smile crept over his face as he said the words and there was a flutter in my belly.