Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance (9 page)

“Oh, slave. I thought you were smarter than this.”

Wildly, I spun, feeling like an animal in a cage … and Jaime was the predator about to devour me. The look in his eyes nearly stopped my heart.

“You see, these tests are necessary. Everything I put you through has a reason. Sure, I could let you sit here for days, weeks even, and see if you have an episode, but we both know in the real world, there are going to be triggers you can’t control. You have to be able to take the most extreme conditions if there’s a chance I ever let you out alive.”

“I don’t want to live. I want to die!”

The words exploded from my mouth with misdirected venom. At the moment I didn’t want to die, I wanted to cut. Even with my back to the door, I still tried twisting the knob.

“Yes, but to even get that, you have to earn it. Right now, all you’re doing is digging yourself in deeper.”

“You keep saying that!”

“And I’ll continue to until you get it through your thick skull that you have to obey and go through these lessons.” Jaime’s jaw tightened and I held to the door tighter as he came forward. “Do you not understand what I’m telling you?”

I pushed from the door, running right, but there was nowhere to go. Jaime quickly cut me off, wrapping his arm around my waist and spinning us toward the stairs.

“No. No!”

I twisted, hearing him groan as he held around me tighter and lifted. My toes could barely touch as I searched for footing. Each stair he climbed was taking me closer to a destination I didn’t want to go.

“Jaime, please! I’m begging you. Don’t take me back in there. I don’t want to go back.”

A sob left me as flashes of the video replayed in my mind. He was going to make me watch more and I couldn’t take another minute. I needed out of here. I needed …
something
. I couldn’t think straight. This was all too much.

“You don’t learn for shit.”

Jaime reached the top of the stairs but instead of turning left, he turned right. The change of direction left my mouth open with no words able to escape. When he got to the first door, he stopped, dropping me to my feet. The grip on my neck was immediate. My back hit the barrier of the door and I squeezed steady to his wrists as he held me securely.

“I’m going to unlock this door and when I open it, you are going to walk in and follow my directions. If you fail to obey, I’m only going to add to your punishment. If you try to run …” He eyes narrowed as his gaze penetrated mine. “I hope you run. I think you may need the beating as much as I need to give it to you.”

“Beat-ing?”

“Yes. You’ll view it as that. To me, it’s just foreplay, slave.”

Tears escaped as he reached in his pocket and slid the key into the lock. The pressure of the door eased from my back, as did Jaime’s grip on my neck.

Foreplay.
Beating women turned him on? I didn’t know this man at all.

“Walk. Don’t look around. Just stand at the foot of the bed and keep quiet.”

The door opened wider behind me and I turned, feeling my feet plant at the multiple monitors to my left. Each showed a random room in the mansion. Some even had up to four cameras on one screen.

“I said go.”

The nudge on my lower back had me forcing myself forward. I only kept my focus on the screens for a second longer before the large bed ahead had me wanting to slow. It was covered in a dark blue comforter, but the material looked like satin or silk.

“Face the bed and put your hands behind your back.”

I stopped short of the footboard and slowly brought my hands behind me. Jaime walked off to the side, eying me as he opened a door that I assumed was the closet. When he reached up and brought out a paddle, I immediately stumbled back toward the door.

“No way.”

“You ran. You were going to cut yourself before you came down for lunch. It’s time to answer for your deeds. Now get back to the bed. If I have to tell you again, I take you to the basement. You
really
don’t want me to do that.”

“The basement?”

Fuck, my voice nearly gave out. What the hell was in the basement?

“Get moving, slave. Place your hands down on the mattress and let’s get this over with.”

“Please don’t.”

Even as I said the words, I was walking forward. Escape. The need was there more than ever, I just wasn’t sure there was a way. I’d seen the alarm system next to the door. If I could get one of the doors open, he’d still know. He’d catch me … and then what? Beat me? In the basement?

I placed my hands on the soft comforter, watching as a tear darkened the material.
One. Two. Three.
They were flowing now. God, he wanted me to prove I wanted death and I suddenly hadn’t ever wanted it more. I held to that as I closed my eyes and waited. When my dress was yanked up, I could barely react before fire rushed over my ass.

Whack! Whack!

“You want nothing more than to run. Do you know what running gets you?”

Whack! Whack!

“Nothing. Running gets you nowhere. Running is for cowards.”

Whack! Whack!

“You, slave, are not a coward.”

I held tighter, shaking my head furiously. “I jumped from that cliff. I cut myself. I
am
a coward.”

Whack! Whack! Whack!

“God! Please!”

“You hurt yourself just to wake up. To have control over something—anything. You’re choosing the wrong outlets. I’m going to find the ones that work for you so you stop closing yourself off. That only leads to explosive behavior.”

Whack!

My knees buckled and I caught myself. Warmth and throbbing was all I felt. The last spanking hadn’t been as hard, but I had a feeling Jamie wasn’t done.

“What’s my name?”

“Ja—”
Whack!
“Master! Fuck.”

Fingers traced my lower back and I felt the dress pushed up even more. The touch left my body reeling from pain, to igniting into an odd hum of lust. It twisted my thoughts until I was more focused on Jaime’s hand, than the wood that connected once again.

“Name.”

“Master.”

“And who are you?”

I swallowed hard past the word, testing it out in my mind. If I was ever going to make progress and either die or escape, I had to start playing this smart. “I’m the slave.”

“Yes, you are.”

The wood circled over my ass, brushing lightly over my skin as he prolonged what I knew was coming again. One wrong answer. That’s all it would take. But would it be so bad? He wasn’t spanking me like he was at the beginning. This was somehow warping into something else. My instincts were screaming from the arousal that was being introduced. It didn’t matter how much I tried to push it away, the sensations from the teasing were winning. 

“You saw firsthand that there is no escape. Are you going to try again?”

Dark hair swayed as I shook my head. “No … Master.”

The paddle stopped on the middle of my ass, only to move counterclockwise in the same slow rhythm.

“I’m not going to ask you about the cutting. You know better, but you’re not there yet. I will tell you this. If you try, you will pay. You’re going to figure out ways around the addiction. You can’t get rid of your demons, but you can put those motherfuckers on a tight leash. I will help you.”

“It’s impossible,” I mumbled.

Whack!
“Nothing is impossible. Nothing.”

Jaime arm’s slid around my waist and he pulled back, lifting me to stand. His body was so close to mine that I tried to rein in how sensitive I was. I could feel his breath against my ear as he moved in. It gave me goosebumps, causing my nipples to harden. I was already so wet. What the hell was he unlocking inside of me?

“Do you know how much you have going for you? Do you see how beautiful and smart you are?”

My mouth opened but I didn’t speak.

“
I
see. I’ve seen more than you’ll ever know. You could do whatever you want. You could
be
whoever you want.” He turned me to face him, but for the life of me I couldn’t meet his eyes.
I wanted to believe. “
If you could do one good thing before you died, what would it be?”

“Do?” I glanced up through my wet lashes, stopping at his lips in my descent from his eyes. But I didn’t see them. My mind drifted, weaving through different scenarios for an answer.

“One good thing,” he repeated. “Something that would leave a mark. Something you could be proud of.”

There was nothing for me, but perhaps there was something I could do for someone else? Only thing was, I was in no condition to help anyone. I couldn’t even help myself. Jaime wasn’t going to settle for that. He didn’t want my excuses, he wanted answers. And maybe the question wasn’t a bad one. “I would … help someone. Someone in a situation like what I’ve been in.”

Jaime’s mouth pursed. “Suicide? Domestic violence? Drugs? All?”

“Domestic violence or drugs. I believe suicide is a person’s right if they choose to take that path.”

Seconds went by while he stared down at me. There was no emotion. Nothing whatsoever that I could pick up.

“Alright. Domestic violence or drugs. Pick one.”

“For what?”

When he raised an eyebrow I could barely stop myself from arguing. Why couldn’t he just be up front and tell me? Was he really expecting me to do something?

“Drugs.”

“Done. Now back to your video. Before you argue, remember what I have in my hand. I think I’ll be carrying it around from now on. Your ass in mine every time you rebel. We’ll see how much of a fighter you have in you. I’m willing to bet, we’re not anywhere near finished yet.” 

Chapter 13

Jaime

Day five:

Lydia isn’t the typical slave. I’m not so sure she’s suicidal at all at this point. Self-destructive, absolutely. Suicidal? I don’t know. She says she wants to kill herself at the end of this, but I can’t see her going through with it. Although, she has changed in the last day.

Where she’s becoming obedient in her daily routine, she also grows quiet. I know this could be a sign that things are starting to go downhill, but perhaps I don’t want to believe it. I want her to be better. I want her to choose to live when these four weeks are up. I’m just not sure whether or not she will. I can’t read her like the others. She’s either changed her mind on taking her life and just doesn’t want to admit it to herself, or she’s one hell of an actress. I should know by now. I should see some sort of progress or decline from her lessons.

If anything … decline.

This isn’t good. I know it’s only been five days, but I’ve scared slaves straight in less time than that. The rest of the weeks were smooth sailing. She won’t be like that. She likes to fight. She’s looking for one. Only last night she stood up to me again. The paddle is becoming her best friend and I actually think she’s starting to rely on it. Like it, even.

I like it.

I placed the pen down on my little black book and closed it. My eyes rose to the monitor. Lydia was sliding a blue shift over her head. The light weight dress was simple. Plain. But she wasn’t. She looked beautiful. I loved waking up knowing she was here. Knowing I could spend the day with her, regardless of the outcome. Some were harder than others, but the fact was, I wasn’t giving up on her. Ever. If it took me keeping her here for months—years—hell, life—so be it.

I stood, rotating my shoulders as I let my attention go to the door that separated us. It was locked, as was her main door. She wouldn’t be able to get out until I let her. Today the routine I enforced was put on hold. There would be no exercising this morning. No videos. The hours would be spent in self-reflection and during that time, she wouldn’t be leaving her room. Not even to eat. I’d bring her food. Today she had her thoughts and herself. That was it. How she reacted to the isolation would give me insight into her mind even more. Would she do better trapped and alone, or would she break from her demons?

A deep breath left me as I pulled out my phone to view the monitors and walked out of my door. It didn’t take long to get her healthy breakfast ready. She was already pacing. Anxiety was clear in her expressions and I kept a close watch on every one of them. By the time I slid my phone in my pocket and headed up the stairs, I couldn’t shake my unease. I wanted to put her back in place. I could do it. I could make her better by using my authority. She seemed relieved when I took the reins, even if she did end up crying from frustration. There was something in the softening of her body that told me she was more comfortable with it than she wanted to admit. It was in the way she gravitated to me after I finished that left me dying to comfort her. But it wasn’t time yet. Lydia had to learn to take care of herself first and not depend on me or anyone else if she was going to get better.

I grabbed the key, listening closely as I slid it into the lock. Although I’d only been cut off from seeing her for a minute, I couldn’t stand not having a visual on what she was doing.

The tray held steady on my hand and I pushed the barrier open. Lydia’s eyes were welled with tears and she clasped her hands as I eased in.

“What’s this?”

She was worse than only moments ago. Dammit. The day was going to be a rough one. I’d have to be ready at all times. I knew there was nothing she could hurt herself with, but slaves were creative as hell. If they were determined, they’d find a way.

“Today you’ll be alone in the room except for when I bring your food. You’re free to do as you please. I can bring you a book if you’d like to read, or colors if you’d like to draw.”

“Colors? What am I five?” She half rolled her eyes. It didn’t look as if it were necessarily in annoyance, but more as a reflex as she went back into her thoughts. “Can I have a pencil or pen so I can write?”

My head shook as I placed the tray down on the bedside table. “No sharp points. Crayons only.”

“You can’t be serious.” Lydia’s eyes were wider now as disbelief filled her face. “What do you think I’m going to try to do, slice myself with the tip of a pencil or pen? Swallow the ink? What?”

“I said no.”

A sound left her and she rubbed the tears away before they had a chance to fall. They’d obviously been so close. She was barely able to hold it together.

“A book, then.”

I nodded, heading back for the door. When I locked it behind me, I didn’t miss the sniffle that broke through the barrier. I immediately pulled out my phone, taking in the video stream of her bedroom. Lydia was already back to pacing, holding tight to her arms as she walked the length of the room. I headed for the library, barely seeing the walls around me as I focused entirely on her. My eyebrows drew in as her lips began to move.

What are you saying, baby? What exactly is going through that head of yours?

I paused just short of the first bookcase. She wiped the tears away, squeezing her lids shut as her fingers laced through the hair at the top of her head. When she took a ragged breath and her chest rose, only to shake from her sob, I knew it wouldn’t be long. I didn’t look as I snatched a book and began to jog back for the stairs.

Fuck, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave her alone like this. I was too attached. Too … weak for her.

I put my phone in my pocket and pulled out the key, impatient to get inside. When the door opened and I stepped through, Lydia had her back to me. She continuously wiped her face to hide her emotional state. Little did she know, I wasn’t half-assing this. I saw everything.

“Slave.”

“Just place it on the dresser. I’ll get to it a little later.”

The scratchiness of her voice twisted my heart and I clenched my jaw as I put the book down and walked closer.

“Let me see you.”

“Please. Just go.”

“I gave you an order.”

Slowly, she turned. Red rimmed her eyes and tears immediately escaped.

“Talk to me. Why are you so upset?”

“Are you serious? Do you see what you’re doing? You can’t think this is okay?”

My face hardened as I took another step closer. “I’m doing what is best for you. What is four weeks if you’re determined to die? The time makes no difference. What if you decide to live and never would have attempted to had I not made you consider both possibilities?”

“You have no right! You can’t force people to choose an outcome they can’t escape. I have nothing left. This ... pain,” she sobbed. “God,
you can’t feel it
. You have no idea what I’m going through right now. I can’t … breathe in this … body. One minute everything is okay and I think I have a handle on my life. The next breath, my world is falling apart and death whispers the sweetest lullaby. It here right now. It wants me, Master, and nothing I do will make it go away. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, but don’t you see?”

“You can right what you’ve done,” she pleaded. “You can help me. Make the pain stop. I can’t
bear
it anymore. It’s killing me more than any death on the outside. Please.” She reached, grabbing my hands. “I’m begging you. Don’t make me suffer anymore. I … hurt.”

Before I could stop myself, I was pulling Lydia into my arms and holding on to her for dear life—for her life. Had I thought she wasn’t suicidal? That she was in denial? I was wrong. So wrong. All it would take was an episode like this. One that made her believe killing herself was the only option, and she’d be gone forever.

“You have to be completely honest with me right now. Are there certain thoughts bringing you down, or is it entirely emotion-based?”

Fingers gripped to my suit jacket along the sides of my back. She was pulling me impossibly closer as she squeezed tightly to my ribcage. “I don’t know. There’s only one thought that comes when this happens, and it’s that I can’t take it anymore. Maybe I’ve learned to block everything else away. It’s just this feeling. There’s so much weight inside. I’m drowning. If I could—”

Sobs replaced the rest of her sentence. My eyes closed and I knew what she meant. If she was able to cut, she could prolong what wanted to come.

“I can’t let you do that. If it’s pain you need, that I can give you. You won’t bleed out like you feel you need to, but the pain is a way of release.” I leaned back, staring down into her face as she looked up. “It won’t be severe pain. More, intense and steady. But I think it will work.”

What the fuck was I doing? Giving her what she wanted? What she needed? That’s not the way I was taught to go about this. I had to break her down and rebuild her. But wasn’t she already broken? Jesus. And me, I wanted this. I wanted to hurt her in the way I was imagining. It wasn’t right. I needed to leave this room and lock the door behind me. It was imperative she deal with this on her own and not become dependent on me.

“The paddle?”

Lydia’s eyes searched mine while I tried to find a way to backtrack. For the life of me, I couldn’t.

“There’s other ways. Other … tools. Floggers, crops, whips ...”

“Sexual stuff.” It wasn’t a question, more of an answer out loud.

“They can be used sexually, yes.”

For seconds she stared up at me.

“And for me?”

“Relief, that’s all.”
For now
.

I took Lydia’s hand, hesitantly leading her to the door. Everything I had been taught was screaming at me to stop this right now. This wasn’t her way. She needed to discover other tactics to deal with her addictions. Not this. Of course, maybe if she did decide to live and transfer her addictions to something healthier, something monitored like this, she could get past her episodes. Learn to battle the ups and downs.
I could help her
. I could change her life if only she’d allow me to. I already knew I wanted to keep her. There was no question about that in my mind, but what if she didn’t want me? What if she decided to live and then chose to leave and be alone or do this with someone else?
My way.

Fuck no. I couldn’t think about that. My stomach was sickened at the thought.

“Will I have a safeword?”

I almost paused at the question. Instead, I led her down the stairs. “What do you know about safewords?”

Lydia glanced over, but I could see the anxiety in her features at our situation.

“I dated a guy for about a month a few years back. He was into the BDSM lifestyle. It was … a crazy month.”

One of my eyebrows rose and I couldn’t stop the smile from tugging at the corner of my lips. Her expression amused me and quashed the jealousy that arose from hearing of her with another man. “It can be very intense at times. What all did he do to you?”

We rounded the corner and headed to the side entrance of the kitchen. Lydia slowed as she stared ahead at the basement door.

“He, uh, spanked me a few times. Tied me up even more. That’s about it, really. Although I enjoyed the experience, he was a cheater. I wasn’t going that route.”

“Smart girl.” I twisted the knob to the basement, pushing the door open. Lydia gazed into the darkness, pulling back the slightest as I tried to lead her forward.

“The safeword? I’ll have one, right?”

My lips pressed together and I shook my head. “I’m always in charge. You’re just going to have to trust me.”

“Trust you? But you have me here. What you’ve done…”

Back and forth her eyes darted from me to the pitch black void ahead. I reached over, pulling the cord to the light.

“What I have done is what is best for you. Deep down, I think you know my intentions toward you are noble. You may live at the end of this, or die, but one thing we’ll both know for certain is that when the time comes, you’re going to be one hundred percent sure on your choice.” I gave a small squeeze to her fingers. “Do you want me to take the pain away? I can do that. We won’t leave from here until you’re better.”

Lydia let out a long exhale and took a step toward me. She didn’t fight as I led her down. She didn’t even seem afraid of the multiple devices and tools scattered around the room. When her stare stopped on the bed with the suspended cuffs hanging in the middle, she stiffened.

“It’s okay. You won’t have to worry about those.” I held in the smile at her intrigue and led her over to the St. Andrews cross. She was barely looking at it as her attention was still on the bed. “Take off the dress.”

Her mouth opened, but no words came.

“Take it off, slave. I’ve already seen you naked.” Hesitantly, she reached down, pulling the fabric over her head. The need to take in her body was there, but I kept my attention on her face. “Good. Now turn around, lift your arms, and spread your legs.”

All her movements screamed of sudden fear. Her body was trembling and her breaths were coming out faster. I tried to ignore the way I was responding to her curves and what we were about to do, but I couldn’t push away my own needs. How many times had I fantasized about this very thing? God, I wanted her … just like this.