Interview With a Jewish Vampire (19 page)

The vampire should use his fangs to suck a moderate amount of blood from the human each night until the human weakens. The vampire must not take too much, or the human will die ... for good.

“
I probably haven‘t been taking enough,” Sheldon said when he read this passage. “I was afraid of killing Mom too soon.”

What is a moderate amount?

A mouthful is moderate.

What if the human refuses to die?

Try two mouthfuls.

What about the vampire giving the human his blood? Is that necessary?

Yes, humans can’t change into vampires without drinking some vampire blood. Actually when the human becomes faint, the vampire must offer the human a substantial amount of his own blood—preferably from a vein. If the vampire has medical equipment he can use an IV and collect it in a blood bag to offer the human.

How long does the change take?

It can happen in one night to one week, depending on how vigorous the human is and how old the vampire is. It’s quickest with sick humans, slowest with healthy young humans
.

“
Omigod, Sheldon,” I said. “You haven’t been giving Mom any of your blood have you?”

“
No, I couldn’t.” He looked embarrassed.

“
Sucking blood from my poor sweet Mom is OK by you, but you can’t give her any back. What kind of stingy vampire are you?”

“
I have to admit it, Rhoda, I faint at the sight of blood. I don’t mind when I’m sucking it because I don’t actually see it, but if it’s my own blood I get nauseous. As you saw when I cut my hand it’s not easy for me to bleed. I have to make a really deep puncture wound. Don’t you know any nurses who could run an IV for me?” he asked plaintively.

“
Oh sure, there must be plenty of nurses with IV equipment who would take blood from a vampire,” I said. “You changed Herschel. Didn’t you have to give him blood?

“
That was a long time ago. I forgot.”

“
C’mon Sheldon, You never forget anything.”

“
OK, I did give him a little blood, but it really made me sick, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do that again. I’ll call Tess. Maybe one of the Golden Grandmas can help.”

The next night Sheldon sucked more of Mom’s blood, until she actually felt faint. Then Tess arrived with Hannah, one of the Grandmas who had been a nurse. Hannah was dressed in a nurse’s uniform and was carrying medical equipment, including what looked like an intravenous line, a bag, and even a rolling hanger for it.

“
Where did you get this?” I asked.

“
From Miami-Dade Memorial,” Hannah replied. “Dressed like this you can pretty much take whatever you want.”

I was kind of shocked because my mom’s friends were generally law-abiding, but I guessed that after becoming vampires, Golden Grandmas had to learn to live at least a little bit on the wild side.

“
We heard you were having some problems with Fanny,” Hannah said. “I’d like to help.”

“
Have you ever changed anyone?” Sheldon asked her.

“
No, but I do have some medical background. Of course they didn’t teach this kind of thing in nursing school, but I can improvise.”

She started setting up the IV equipment, then ordered Sheldon to stick out his arm. He screwed up his face, looked in the other direction and gasped as she stuck in the needle. The blood started flowing into the bag.

“
Here, Fanny.” She put some of Sheldon’s blood in a large medicine dropper—the type used to give medicine to kids-- and said, “Fanny, open your mouth.”

Mom did not look happy while Sheldon’s blood dripped into her mouth; in fact, she gagged once, but she dutifully accepted the whole dropper-ful. Sure enough after she took it, she started looking pale and fell back onto her bed.

“
This is disgusting, can’t you add some Burgundy to it, or at least grape juice?” Mom screwed up her face to show how bad it tasted before gasping, “I feel quite faint, Rhoda,” and then passed out.

The next morning I went into Mom’s room and was horrified to find that she wasn’t breathing. It was one thing to talk her into becoming a vampire. Then it was only theoretical. Now it was real. I was sitting with a real, live, undead, not-breathing Mom. Maybe she wouldn’t rise? What then? I started sobbing. Sheldon was asleep and I had to wait until sundown until he woke up to bury her. I sat by her bed, sure I’d made a terrible mistake and killed my own mom for good. I cried, wailed actually, and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to call the girls because then they’d get hysterical. I couldn’t call the Golden Grandmas because they were asleep. So I called the suicide hotline, 1-800-suicide. I remembered the number. I’d heard they would talk to you even if you weren’t suicidal, but just going through an emotional crisis. This was definitely a major emotional crisis. I was smart enough to block my Caller ID. After all I was admitting to homicide, not suicide.

“
Suicide hotline,” a perky voice answered. “Are you having an emotional crisis?”

“
Yes. I am.” I didn’t know what else to tell her because my story was so bizarre.

“
Do you feel as if you can’t go on?”

“
No, I want to go on. I’m worried about someone else not going on?”

“
Aha. You’re grieving. What happened? How can I help you?”

“
I just killed my mother. Or rather I got my boyfriend to kill her. He’s a vampire and we’re going to bring her back to life so it’s not like I really killed her. But I can’t help feeling horribly guilty. What if she stays dead? I’ll be a murderer. I may even go to jail, even though they’d probably consider it euthanasia. But you can go to jail for that too. And even if she comes back to life she’ll still be dead, if you know what I mean. How will I ever live with myself?” I started wailing inconsolably.

“
If she’s not really dead, you can forgive yourself
. You just need to be strong,” the voice said softly and sympathetically. “Why did you want her to become a vampire?”

“
She’s really old and sick and I couldn’t bear to live without her.”

“
That is so sweet. Not many daughters would make that kind of sacrifice for their mothers. Now you’ll have her forever, or vice versa.”

“
You believe me?” I realized that this was a ridiculous conversation. The suicide hotline lady was taking me seriously. I hadn’t expected that. I just wanted to hear some comforting words.

“
Why wouldn’t I believe you? Been there, thought about that.”

“
You turned your mother into a vampire?” That would have been a bit too much of a coincidence.

“
No, but I’m desperate to save my grandmother. She is the only person in the world who ever really cared about me and she’s in the ICU. I’d do anything. Can you give me some help? How do you go about it? Who does it for you? Where would I find a vampire to change her?”

So instead of the suicide hotline lady helping me I wound up helping her. I told her about the Golden Grandmas, gave her my phone number and Zelda’s phone number and the New York address of Bloodaholics Anonymous since she was in New York. She said she’d call Zelda and ask if she could go to their next meeting in New York. She thanked me profusely and told me I’d be fine—I’d done the right thing. By the time I got off the phone I felt much better. Whoever said there’s nothing like helping others to help yourself was right.

I called Charlene and told her the whole story too. As usual she was incredibly reassuring.

“
Rhoda, you just have to try to relax. This is going to work. I know it will. You had that whole group of old lady vampires tell you so, and Sheldon as well. Try to take a break and go swimming. Go out for breakfast and stuff your face. Have pancakes. Anything distracting.”

It was great advice and I tried to take it but I couldn’t. I knew I’d feel so guilty swimming in the sun that Mom would never see again that I went into the living room and turned on the TV to wait it out. I watched soap operas which I usually found ridiculous. Today they didn’t seem exaggerated at all since my life was turning out to be equally melodramatic. I popped a macaroni and cheese TV dinner in the microwave and ate it, not tasting a bite. After a few hours of more agonizing I drove to the rental car company as Sheldon and I had agreed upon. We had reserved a huge Chevy Suburban with a few rows of seats that could be put down to make room for a coffin. I left Mom’s car at the rental place, took the Suburban and wended my way carefully through the streets since I wasn’t used to driving a car that was closer to a bus.

By the time I got back to Mom’s I was so exhausted I fell asleep. When I woke up it was sunset. Whew! I made it. I woke up Sheldon, who by this time was sleeping in his coffin in Mom’s spare room. He still refused to sleep in the bed, but he was going to have to at least for one day because Mom was going to be buried in his coffin.

When Sheldon woke up we faced the most difficult task. Getting the coffin with Mom in it out of the house and into the SUV without anyone noticing. Century residents were very nosy; since nothing ever happened
, gossip was a scarce commodity. There wasn’t much chance of not being noticed unless we waited until midnight. OK, we’d wait till midnight. We decided to throw a tarp over the coffin for further camouflage.

We killed some time by going for a swim and making love. I was too distracted to really get into it, but I loved feeling Sheldon hugging and kissing me. I needed the comfort and closeness. We watched a little TV news but murder and mayhem in Miami was not exactly calming so I turned it off.

By midnight Century Village was deserted. I made Sheldon put Mom in the coffin, but I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t help imagining what it must feel like to be stuffed into a tiny space, unable to breathe or see the light, buried alive. I knew I had to stop thinking about it or I would get a full-fledged panic attack. I couldn’t even bear to be stuck in an elevator, I was so claustrophobic. I reminded myself that Mom was dead—or undead--and if she made any noise we would hear her. Luckily Sheldon was strong enough to lift the coffin by himself and put it in the car. With a tarp over it, it looked like—well, a coffin with a tarp over it. But no one was watching anyway.

When we got to the cemetery I felt kind of spooked but Sheldon looked quite happy.

“
My people,” he said, expansively opening his arms

“
Could you please take this seriously, Sheldon, we’re burying my mother.”

“
Haven’t you ever heard of graveyard humor, Rhoda?”

“
It’s gallows humor, dummy.” I giggled, which relieved my anxiety a tiny bit.

We drove right up to Mom’s mausoleum, found that the key opened it, and slid the coffin easily into the crypt. When we left it there I wanted to open it first and kiss Mom but I was afraid of what I’d find. What if she had her eyes open? What if she looked as terrified as I felt. She was being buried alive, after all. OK, she wasn’t underground and if she woke up she could probably open the coffin enough to get out since her space in the crypt was really big. It wasn’t like a drawer in the morgue, it was much roomier than that. Actually it looked like it had been converted from one of the pantries in the bomb shelter. There may even have been a little leftover food around. But she’d be terrified finding herself in a mausoleum in the middle of a cemetery. Better not worry about that.

There was no way I could leave, without checking on Mom. I had a flashlight so I asked Sheldon to hold the coffin lid open while I peeked inside. Mom didn’t look dead at all. She looked surprisingly peaceful, as though she were just sleeping—and, from the expression on her face, having a good dream at that—although I knew she wasn’t breathing and her heart had stopped. There was a subtle difference between her and other bodies I’d seen. Her soul, or whatever animated her—her momness—was clearly still there. She didn’t have that waxworks look that normal dead bodies took on shortly after death. But I was still incredibly nervous, not at all sure this scheme would work.

I still had to get through the rest of the night and the next day before going back to the cemetery and seeing if Mom rose properly from the dead. And I had to deal with an insomniac vampire who was going to have an anxiety attack in the morning without his coffin, despite the blackout curtains I’d hung. When we got back to Century he started pacing back and forth in the apartment. I drove him to the beach so he could pace there. Anyone outside at Century after midnight was suspect. He walked back and forth on the beach while I took a nap on the sand. There were a number of other insomniacs doing the same thing so no one noticed.

“
Shel, can we go back to the mausoleum to make sure Mom is OK?”

“
No, there’s no need for that Rhoda, she’s fine.”

“
How do you know that? She could be really dead and not just undead.”

“
Rhoda, we are bound together now by blood. Your mom is my child.” Sheldon gave a stifled laugh.

“
What? You’re my mom’s father? That would make me—what? Your granddaughter? That’s ridiculous.”

“
Sire. I’m her sire since I created her. That makes her my progeny or whatever you want to call it. Sounds silly I know since she’s so old, but she’s not as old as I am. I now have a connection to your mom. When she’s in danger I’ll know it. I may not be able to do anything about it, but I’ll feel it. Just like most parents somehow know when their kids are in trouble.”