Interview With a Jewish Vampire (22 page)

I was driving since Sheldon didn’t have a license and Tess was in back with mom. I didn’t trust her to drive quite yet. She might start ignoring the speed limit.

“
Shel.” I turned to him, talking in a low voice so Mom wouldn’t hear. “Do you think we did the right thing? All kinds of things could go wrong. You saw her attack that truck driver.”

“
Rhoda, do you think I’m deaf?” Mom piped up from the back seat. “I can hear every word you say. I did not attack a truck driver.”

Sheldon laughed. “You may not know this, Rhoda, but along with night vision she now has vampire hearing. You can’t whisper behind her back anymore.”

“
Your hearing may have improved, Mom, but your memory is still a bit dim.” I automatically turned around to talk to her, almost swerving off the road before remembering that I didn’t have to turn around for her to hear me. “You sure did attack a truck driver and you better not do that again.”

“
You really don’t have to worry, dear,” Tess said reassuringly. “I will keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t get into trouble. We Century Village Golden Grandmas do a lot of fun things that will keep her busy.”

“
Like what?” Mom asked.

“
We travel. I never mentioned vampire cruises, did I?”

“
Vampire cruises? You’ve got to be kidding.” I was stunned. It seems vampires had their own nighttime world that existed right beside the human world. How was it possible no one knew it about it?

“
Aristotle Onassis started a cruise line for us. It’s so convenient. We can board at night, explore at night, and he even serves real, perfectly preserved blood. It’s not as tasty as live blood, but good enough. That’s what billions can do, even after death.” Tess hugged Mom. “Fanny you are going to have a great time.”

“
What?” I shrieked. “Aristotle Onassis is a vampire?”

“
Quite a few fabulously rich men are,” Tess said matter-of-factly, leaning forward to talk in my ear. “If you had all the money in the world and you were getting really old wouldn’t you look into eternal life? He had enough resources to hire investigators to find us. Now he’s one of us. And there are more. I won’t out them, though. Most of them are very secretive. Onassis only goes out in disguise.”

“
Did you know about this, Shel?”

“
No. I’ve led a very sheltered afterlife, Rhoda. I’ve been studying Torah and
davvening
all these years,” Sheldon grinned at me lasciviously. “ But now that we’re together why don’t we go on one of these cruises? As long as we can spend a lot of time in the cabin.” He did a double eyebrow raise that reminded me of Groucho.

“
They’re only for vampires, no humans.” Tess sounded apologetic. “But maybe Rhoda will decide to become one of us.”

“
That is not a possibility. Not yet,” Sheldon said. “I like her just the way she is.”

“
I admit it sounds like fun,” Mom chimed in, sounding very enthusiastic. I knew how much she loved foreign travel. “But how do you get into museums. I couldn’t imagine traveling to Europe, let’s say, and missing the Louvre.”

“
That’s just like you Mom. You have eternal life, you can travel the world and you’re worried about museums.” I was relieved, though, that she was still a culture vulture, still the same mom.

“
Rhoda, you just are not sufficiently interested in culture,” Mom chided me from the back seat in her schoolteacher voice. “I can’t imagine how that happened when I dragged you to every museum in New York when you were a child.”

“
The operative word is ‘dragged,’ Mom. No wonder my feet hurt every time I pass the Met.”

Ignoring me, Tess answered Mom’s question. “Onassis can unlock doors, Fanny. He gets us in everywhere. And we have the museums to ourselves. No gawking tourists to get in your way.”

“
So what do we do at Century? Not much nightlife there?” Mom asked.

“
Midnight swims in the ocean are a treat,” Tess replied. “I know how much you like to swim, Fanny. And we go clubbing.”

“
Clubbing? What’s that?”

“
Mom.” Now it was my chance to chide. “How can you not know what clubbing is? It means going to nightclubs.”

“
Like the Copa?”

“
Fanny, there hasn’t been a Copa for fifty years. And you were too young to go there when there was,” Tess informed her stiffly. “No, we go to Miami. South Beach. Lots of nightclubs and dancing.”

“
Isn’t that just for young people?” Mom sounded incredulous. “I can’t imagine they’d even let you in.”

“
We’re a novelty to them,” Tess laughed. “Remember, I was Disco Sally, I know the ropes. The kids think we’re cute. And when they see we can out-dance them they go nuts.”

“
Clubbing…..mm mm.” Mom said, bewildered. “It’s a whole different world. I can’t imagine wanting to socialize with kids. I don’t even like kids today—with all those tattoos and pierced bodies. But dancing sounds like fun.”

“
Dancing with old folks isn’t much fun for us, Fanny, we’re too spry for them. We can keep up with kids so why not dance with kids?”

“
I’ll give it a try. Why not? I’m game.”

That’s what I love about my mom. She’s always been game for anything. I took her snorkeling in Key Largo for her seventy-fifth birthday. She was terrified but had a ball. Maybe I’d done the right thing by her in turning her into a vampire. I breathed a relieved sigh inwardly. It was going to be alright. She was going to start enjoying her life again, and I could enjoy mine—with Sheldon.

By the time we got back to Century it was almost daylight. Mom was worried about sleeping. “I don’t know how I’m going to fall asleep Rhoda, I’m still wide awake,” she said when we got back to the apartment.

“
You’re on vampire time now, Fanny,” Sheldon told her. “Your vampire body clock will put you to sleep at sunrise automatically. In the meantime just read a book or watch TV. You need some extra rest—the change takes a lot of energy.”

“
Do vampires get insomnia, Sheldon?” she sounded worried. “I’ve been plagued with insomnia my entire life, ever since I was a kid. It would be worth missing daylight just to get a good night’s, or day’s, sleep.”

“
No, Fanny, we sleep like babies, dead babies, for twelve hours. You’ll have a wonderful, deep sleep. When you wake up you’ll feel refreshed, and you won’t remember your dreams.”

He must have seen a hypnotist on TV; he knew the lingo. I knew it wasn’t true--that Sheldon had insomnia--but maybe the power of suggestion would keep Mom from having it.

“
OK, g’nite you two,” she said, giving us a little wave and heading for her bedroom. “I’ll use ear plugs so I can’t hear you.”

I wondered what had come over her. She’d never been particularly considerate before. Maybe becoming a vampire had improved her manners. “That’s sweet of you Mom, thanks,” I said.

As Mom adjusted to vampire hours, I was slowly adjusting too. I didn’t want to miss any time with Sheldon. I was ready to make love before the sun came up but he looked totally exhausted.

“
Is there something wrong, Sheldon? I’ve never seen you this tired, or tired at all actually. You’re either raring to go or sleeping, nothing in between.”

“
Changing your mom took it out of me, Rhoda. I lost some blood you know.” He lay down on the bed and yawned, ready to snooze.

I sat down next to him, stroking his face gently. I loved his features, they were so aristocratic, so old-world handsome, like a renaissance painting. He didn’t look like anyone I’d ever dated. Well, there was that one time I’d had a fling with a model, but he was so taken with himself that he barely paid any attention to me.

“
What are you staring at, Rhoda,” he asked me, looking bewildered. “Do I have blood on my face or something?”

“
You have no idea how adorable you are.”

“
No one has ever called me adorable before. I like it.” He started kissing me passionately, not tired anymore.

“
How about a quickie?” I asked.

“
I don’t do quickies. I’m going to live forever. I want to stretch it out.” He pulled me down on top of him and pulled off my T-shirt. I stayed on top this time, a position we hadn’t tried before. I could barely keep up with him--he was so hard and moved me up and down on him so fast.

“
Don’t throw me off, Shel. I feel like I’m on a bucking bronco.” I managed to stay in the saddle somehow and got totally lost looking in his gorgeous green eyes. I liked looking down at him, feeling in control of this powerful, supernatural creature. It lent an extra thrill to lovemaking. The bed we were on was creaking loudly. I hoped Mom had fallen asleep already.

By the time we finished about an hour later we were both exhausted. Sheldon pulled me down next to him, leaned on his elbow and looked at me. “I may be immortal, Rhoda, but I’m not eighteen anymore.”

“
What? I thought you were just as peppy as an eighteen-year-old.”

“
No one is that peppy, you should have met me at that age. Thank goodness I didn’t become a vampire as a teenager. can’t imagine being horny all the time for eternity.”

“
C’mon, let’s take a shower together.” I took his hand and pulled him towards the bathroom with the stall shower, which was the bathroom we used. Actually only I used the toilet. It seems vampires absorb all their food directly into their bodies and don’t eliminate anything. Very efficient and easy on the plumbing.

“
What temperature do you prefer?” I asked Sheldon, pushing the lever.

“
I like it hot, of course,” he told me, “since I’m so cold. Hot water feels delicious. But I have to be careful not to make it too hot because I’ll burn myself without realizing it. I don’t actually feel hot and cold the way you do.”

“
While soaping me up, Sheldon mentioned the fact that we had two more old ladies to turn into vampires. “I don’t know how I’m going to survive that,” he told me as he soaped my right thigh. I started wishing dawn weren’t so close. I was definitely interested in another round.

“
First of all I don’t want to lose my abstinence. Sucking blood from your mom was a serious breach of B.A. rules.”

I hadn’t asked him how it had affected him because I was trying to be sensitive and not hurt his feelings, so I was glad he’d brought that up himself.

“
Are you OK with it now?”

“
Actually the blood of the very old isn’t all that tasty. Your mom wasn’t anywhere near as delicious as you would be,” he laughed. “Nowhere near as tasty as some of the young ones I had when I was first changed. I wasn’t all that tempted to finish her off. But I was…a little tempted.”

“
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know,” the idea was pretty revolting. Actually it was a big turn off.

“
I had no idea you used to suck blood from humans.”

“
Many, many years ago. I killed them, often accidentally. B.A. saved me. Why don’t I take your mom to a B.A. meeting before we leave Florida. That should keep both of us in line.”

“
Sure, great idea. How about Miriam and Ellen? You still have to change them.”

“
Rhoda, I’m going to ask Tess and one of her friends to change Ellen and Miriam. I can’t do it. It’s not good for my mental or physical health. Drinking human blood is a
shanda
and giving my blood makes me weak. I can’t possibly change two more people,”

It was my turn to soap. Sheldon was always clean because he didn’t sweat. He didn’t need to shower really, but his hair and face got dirty just like mine. I didn’t care about his hair and face, however, and went to work on his muscular arms and armpits which smelled of apricots for some reason, working my way to the line of fine hair down the middle of his chest. I started stroking his smooth back. Thank goodness he wasn’t all hairy. There was something repulsive about the idea of a hairy back on a vampire—or on anyone.

“
Shel, do you think Tess can find anyone else willing to do it. It’s very draining, literally, and they’re old—yes vampires—but old. Plus Ellen and Miriam aren’t their friends.”

“
They’re Golden Grandmas and committed to helping other old folks, vampire or human, or human
to
vampire. I think they will.”

Toweling off when we got out was almost as exciting as soaping, but by that time both of us were too exhausted to do anything about it, plus it was Sheldon’s bedtime. I realized I was hungry since I’d been driving all night without anything to eat. I tucked him in and then went off to the kitchen to make myself some scrambled eggs.

Before I went back to bed I sat in the kitchen, shoveling eggs and toast into my mouth, figuring out what was next. I realized I was totally stressed out from all the upheaval in my life, and all the arrangements and plans I’d had to make. Sheldon could hardly help much—he wasn’t familiar with making travel reservations, visiting funeral directors, Florida roads, Google research, hiding coffins in storage areas, on and on. In the space of two months I’d met a vampire, fallen in love with him, lost him, found him again, been introduced to an entire vampire other world, turned my mother into a vampire. I was kind of fried.

I took the frozen waffles out of the freezer, popped them in the toaster oven, smothered them with maple syrup and wolfed them down. The downside of Mom living forever started sinking in. I loved her, yes, but she was also an obnoxious Jewish mother who wanted to intrude into every aspect of my life. Now there would be no respite, she could stalk me forever. I thought about a story I’d heard on TV by a gay comic about his mother’s funeral. A friend came up to him at the funeral and said, “Congratulations.” He was bewildered and asked, “What for?” “You have a partner, you just bought a house, adopted a child, your career is taking off, and your mother’s dead.” At the time I thought it was funny. . Mothers are supposed to die and now mine never would and I had no one but myself to blame.