Interview With a Jewish Vampire (28 page)

I didn’t have time to call him. As soon as I got home after our Soho expedition the phone rang
. It was Sheldon.

“
Rhoda, your mother is in danger,” he said urgently, with no small talk preamble. “You have to call and find out what’s going on. We may have to go down there again.”

I felt like I was going to faint and fall off my chair. Waves of guilt washed over me. I’d been going along blithely assuming that everything was OK because Mom said so, even though my intuition had told me otherwise. I didn’t want to find out too much.

“
How do you know? Who told you?”

“
She has my blood that means I’m part of her and I’ll know when she’s in danger. Right now she’s in a lot of trouble.”

“
But I haven’t heard a word from anyone. I talk to mom just about every night. She says everything is fine. She’s been sounding pretty hyper, but nothing alarming. Or maybe I’m in denial. What kind of trouble is she in?”

“
I have no idea. I just know it’s bad. Try to call her,” Sheldon ordered. “If you don’t get her, call Tess, start calling all her girlfriends. See if you can find out what’s going on.”

“
Why don’t you call Tess?” I really wanted to get off the hook on this one. I was terrified.

“
Rhoda, she’s your mother and you need to deal with this. I will help but you have to call her.”

“
OK,” I said in a whisper. “I’ll call.”

“
Don’t worry Honey. We’ll take care of whatever it is. She’ll be fine.” He was reassuring all of a sudden. I guess he realized how much he’d scared me.

“
Can you come over?” I pleaded. “I really need you to be here when I call.” I didn’t tell him what I’d done, that it was all my fault. I just knew I couldn’t deal with whatever I found out alone.

“
I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“
Are you taking a cab? You can’t get here that fast even by cab.”

“
You forget, I can fly.”

“
Isn’t that dangerous? Won’t you be seen?”

“
Hey, we flew from the Empire State Building and no one noticed. People don’t see what they think is impossible. They just tell themselves I must be something else, like a large bird.”

“
OK. Thank you for coming. I really appreciate it.”

“
You sound pitiful. Just hang on, I’ll be there.”

I bent over with my face in my hands and started crying hysterically, totally unable to stop. I tried calling Mom but for the first time there was no answer on her cell.

When Sheldon walked in the door (he had the key) I didn’t even hear him. He gave me a big hug and a bewildered look,

“
Rhoda, what’s wrong? This news doesn’t call for tears—yet.”

“
It’s all my fault, I’m the one who made you change her. Now she’s in trouble and I did it to her.”

“
Well get over the Jewish guilt and get on the phone.”

“
Why can’t you call?”

“
Rhoda, what is wrong with you?” he asked in a curious, but not blaming tone. “She’s your mother, you need to do the inquiring. You’re usually so in control of everything. It wouldn’t look right for me to call. And remember, don’t tell anyone you suspect she’s in danger. You’re just calling because you haven’t heard from her lately.”

“
Why can’t I tell the truth?”

“
I don’t want you causing the girls to get all upset just in case I’m wrong.”

“
Are you ever wrong?”

“
I’ve never been wrong about Herschel. I always knew when he was in trouble, and in the early days he was always in trouble.”

“
Why?”

“
I’ll tell you about it some other time. Now pick up that phone.”

I called Tess first, no answer. I left a message. Same story with Miriam and Ellen. Judy answered on the first ring.

“
I have no idea where your mother is, Rhoda, or Miriam or Ellen for that matter, and it’s your fault for coming up with such an irresponsible crackpot scheme. All the girls now think they’re vampires. You’ve somehow convinced them they can only drink blood. I never believed it for a minute but they sure do. What were you thinking anyway?”

“
Just tell her to call me if you hear from her,” I said and hung up. Judy was obviously not going to be any help. She just made me feel even more guilty.

“
Call Tess’s friend Hannah, you remember her. She’s the nurse who ran the IV for me. Here’s her cell number.”

“
I got an answer right away.

“
Hannah, this is Fanny’s daughter. Do you know where my mom is?”

There was a long silence. “I don’t think Tess wanted me to tell anyone because she thought she could solve the problem before anyone notified you, but things aren’t going so well.”

“
Things? What things?” I started pacing around my apartment, twisting strands of my hair, a nervous habit I had that I thought I’d managed to break.

“
Rhoda, your mom has gone rogue.”

“
Rogue. What the hell does that mean?”

“
She’s disappeared and bodies have been turning up in Miami. The police are very suspicious. Of course they don’t know about vampires but your mom, or whoever is doing this, has been very sloppy. The bodies have puncture marks in the neck and such.”

“
Where is Tess? And Ellen and Miriam?” I looked down and realized I had torn out a handful of hair, which I was now holding. I stopped pacing, sat down and tried to be calmer, at least a little bit.

“
Tess and Ellen are in Miami looking for Mom and Miriam. They disappeared together. That’s really all I know. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more,” she said, sounding upset herself.

“
I’m going to come down there and help look for her. If Tess or Ellen turn up ask them to call me on my cell.” I gave her the number.

“
I’ll do that. Calm down, Honey. Tess will find her.”

“
By then she may have been arrested for murder. That’s worse than dying of a heart attack.”

“
Call me when you get in.” Hannah hung up.

Sheldon put his arm around me. I curled up into him, put my head on his shoulder and cried some more.

“
Let it all out. Then get a tissue and make reservations for the next flight to Fort Lauderdale. I’ll come with you.”

“
Oh Sheldon, thank you, thank you.”

“
No need for thanks. I’m fifty percent of the problem. I’m the one who turned her into a vampire in the first place. Obviously I didn’t do much of a job of teaching her how to feed safely.”

“
Yes you did, Sheldon. You took her to the ranch, took her to Century B.A., we thought she’d settled in and everything was fine. We were wrong. Mom has always been strong willed. She’s the original ‘I did it my way’ Jewish mother.”

“
Can we get down there tonight, Rhoda? Once dead bodies start turning up we’re talking a B.A. red alert.”

“
How are we going to find out where she is?” I asked.

“
I’m sure Tess has some clues. If the girls were ‘clubbing’ she probably went along too. Tess adores dancing.”

I opened my computer and searched for flights, booking us on the red eye to Fort Lauderdale with a credit card I couldn’t pay off, but I’d worry about that later. I printed out our tickets so we could board quickly. At least this time we wouldn’t have to check in a coffin.

On the plane I decided that it was time to throw the Rules out the window. I was too dependent on Sheldon now. I loved him but I also had to be able to trust him. His recent evasiveness had eroded my confidence in his feelings for me—and by extension, for Mom-- even though he was her sire.

“
What’s going on between us Shel?” I asked after shoring up my courage with two vodka martinis. “You’ve been very distant recently. You’ve pulled way back from me emotionally. I haven’t wanted to press you about it, but now I feel I have to know?” I realized it wasn’t only the Rules that had stopped me from asking Sheldon what he was up to. It was dread about what his answer might be. I’d completely lost my confidence in my feminine charms after my husband dumped me—not that I’d had a whole lot of it before.

“
Rhoda, I’ve been waiting to apologize for what I’ve put you through these last months,” he said, leaning over to give me a tender kiss. “I know it’s been very hard on you never knowing when I was going to show up. Don’t think I didn’t appreciate your patience. Actually I wasn’t expecting it, knowing you.”

“
I’ve been following The Rules,” I told him, after I’d asked the flight attendant for yet another vodka martini.

“
Rules? What rules?”

“
I don’t think you want to know. They’re from a book-- too silly. Anyway what’s been keeping you away? Was it Tzeitl?” I held my breath.

“
Geez, that Goldie, she loves to make trouble. Tzeitl is Herschel’s fiancée, she’s a nice Jewish vampire girl. When I introduced her to Goldie she just ignored the fact that Tzeitl was Herschel’s girl, and decided I should marry her, but that would never happen.

“
You mean I’ve spent all these months sure that you’re cheating on me with Hershel’s fiancée. I still haven’t met Herschel by the way. Or Tzeitl. Why is that?”

“
That’s what I was going to tell you. Herschel and the rest of the Hasidic vampires in Crown Heights don’t want to let me go—they insist that I stay in the building and come to their services. There are only ten of us vampire Hasids and I’m the rabbi. Without me there’s no
minyan
. This means they can’t pray. It’s a disaster for them. Where will they find a replacement for me?”

“
Rabbi? You told me you were a former rabbi. Is that why I never saw you on weekends?”

“
Yup, it’s Shabbat. But they pray twice a day and were always pressuring me to be there when I wanted to visit you. I felt guilty. I was trying to please all of you but just wound up getting everyone pissed off. And that’s not all. Goldie was pushing guilt as well. She wanted me to stay home and keep her company.”

“
Goldie? She’s a golem, not your mother.”

“
Tell her that. She thinks she’s my mother. She keeps reminding me that I created her and I have to be there so she can take care of me.”

“
Can’t you de-animate her?”

“
She won’t let me. In fact she won’t let me near her because she knows that’s what I want to do. Every time I de-animate her she lays a ton of guilt on me when I bring her back to life. She doesn’t like you and doesn’t want me to live with you—or marry you. I can’t take the guilt-pushing. She’s the only mother I’ve had since I became a vampire and I do love her. What with Herschel and my friends and Goldie pulling me in one direction and you pulling me in another, I felt like I was being drawn and quartered. I didn’t know what to do.”

“
Marry? Who said marry?” I was stunned that he even mentioned the “M” word. We’d never spoken about marriage.

“
That would seem to be the natural thing eventually, don’t you think?”

“
If I become a vampire that is?”

“
Yes, if you become a vampire. Marrying a human would not work.” Sheldon, looking uncomfortable, quickly changed the subject,

“
Why didn’t you tell me about all this? Why keep it to yourself?”

“
I was afraid you’d leave me. I never told you I was still religious; that I was still a rabbi. You’re an atheist, like your mother. I thought she’d hate me and you would drop me.”

“
That’s ridiculous,” a great wave of relief washed over me. If it wasn’t another woman we could work it out. “I don’t care if you’re a rabbi. I don’t care if you’re the Baal Shem Tov. I’m not an atheist, I’m actually very spiritual. I just don’t know what kind of spiritual.”

“
You are?” Sheldon sounded relieved as well. “That’s wonderful.”

“
Just don’t tell my mother, she thinks God is a four letter word.”

We hadn’t solved anything though. How could Sheldon leave his
minyan
—or Goldie—to be with me? He’d never be able to live with himself. Should I become a vampire? I certainly wasn’t about to become a Hasidic
balabusta
. How could we reconcile our two different worlds? Vampire and human, kosher and non-kosher, religious and secular, bloodlust and compulsive eating.

“
What do we do?” I asked him.

“
I have no idea,” Sheldon said, throwing his hands up. “I was trying to have it both ways.”

“
We can’t resolve this now, darling,” I reassured him. At least now I knew it wasn’t another woman, or it
was
another woman, but she was made out of clay. “We can figure it out when we get back, if we ever get back. We still have to find Mom.”

Despite Sheldon’s newfound ability to fly we still had to take a limo from the airport. It seems he couldn’t fly with luggage. I had the key to Mom’s condo so we went straight there although we knew she was in Miami somewhere. Her condo would give us a base, plus I was hoping we’d find some clues there to her whereabouts.

Mom’s apartment was dark and her bed hadn’t been slept in. The place had an air of having been empty for a while. I got really bad vibes from being there without her. I’d never without her greeting me with a big hug, a huge grin and a “do you want something to eat?”