Interview With a Jewish Vampire (33 page)

Miriam, who had always had a calming effect on Mom, took her usual role as the voice of reason.

“
When you get back to Century, you’ll keep going to B.A. meetings,” Tess added. “And from now on we’re staying away from clubs and young men. We need to reduce temptation.”

“
That sounds dreary.” Mom sounded disappointed. “I really loved going out dancing.”

“
If you were an alcoholic you wouldn’t hang out in bars. This is the equivalent in B.A. terms, Fanny,” Tess said.

“
Have you been to the rehab?” Mom asked Tess plaintively. “Is it a nice place?”

“
It’s lovely, Fanny. Yes I’ve visited. I’m a B.A. counselor and have done some counseling there with vampires who have lost their abstinence. It’s a farm, like our farm, with lots of yummy live animals, individual cabins with private baths and views overlooking the ocean.”

“
Can I go with her?” I was feeling anxious about sending Mom anywhere alone right now.

“
No,” Tess said. “This is just for vampires. You could visit for a family session, though. They do counsel families who may be enabling.”

“
Enabling? Am I enabling her?” I asked Tess.

“
You worry too much about her. You feel responsible for her. You blame yourself if she gets in trouble. You’re too quick to come to her rescue.”

“
What’s wrong with that?”

“
She has to be responsible for her own actions, and take the consequences without you constantly rescuing her.”

“
If I hadn’t rescued her this time she would have killed half of Miami. Are you saying I shouldn’t have done what I did?”

“
Really, Rhoda, don’t get insulted. I’m not saying anything. It would probably be helpful to you to attend Bal-Anon when you get back to New York. You’ll learn how to deal with having a vampire in the family. There are a lot of issues you need support with.

“
What’s Bal-Anon?”

“
Just like Al-Anon, Bal-Anon is a support group for humans who love vampires—you’re involved with two vampires. You’ll meet other humans who are in the same boat as you are, who are dealing with the same issues, such as should I or shouldn’t I?”

“
You mean should I or shouldn’t I become one?”

“
Yes. That’s a huge issue for humans in your position.”

She was right. It was a huge issue in my life, and I needed help from people in my boat—humans who loved vampires. Sheldon really couldn’t help since he had too much at stake; he couldn’t really understand.

“
OK, I promise to go when I get back.”

“
Good, now we have to get Mom and Miriam to After Dark. It’s not far from here. I’ll take them. It’s best if family doesn’t come along—too emotional. You and Sheldon need to get back to your own lives.”

“
At least I’ll know you’re safe, Mom. That will be a huge relief.”

“
Can I make phone calls?” Mom asked Tess. “I want to call Rhoda and tell her how I’m doing.”

“
Sure, but not for a few days. They like the residents to settle in before they start calling out. Rhoda knows you’re in good hands, so she won’t worry. Am I right, Rhoda?”

She was right. “I feel so much better knowing that Mom’s going to be taken care of by someone besides me—people who know about bloodaholism,” I told her. “Mom, remember what you used to tell me when I was a teenager. ‘If you can’t be good be careful’? That goes double for you.”

I went over to Mom and gave her a huge hug goodbye. She hugged me back a little too hard—she still didn’t know her own strength.

Sheldon flew me back to Fort Lauderdale to Mom’s condo that night to get some rest before going back to New York. It was the first night we’d had alone in what seemed like weeks. I was giddy with relief that the ordeal was over. This time I lay on his back and held onto his neck while flying, a somewhat more precarious position, but relaxing once I got the hang of it. Being caressed by balmy Florida breezes was a whole lot more fun than freezing in the sky over New York in winter. Sheldon carried me lazily over the ocean, where we were unlikely to be seen by passersby. The moon was still full; it seemed to hang on the horizon, reflecting a huge globe of light onto the waves. What a magical view. I didn’t think I’d ever get over the thrill of being flown by Sheldon.

“
How long can you do this, Shel? Could you fly us back to New York?”

“
I’m only going about fifty miles an hour, Rhoda,” he shouted up at me. “I doubt you’d want to go over a thousand miles at that speed. It’s fine for a short trip—in nice weather—but what if it rains? Let’s take Delta instead.”

By the time we got back to Mom’s condo I was ready to stand on solid ground. Flying was nice, but hanging on was strenuous. I kept being afraid I’d fall off. We fell into each other’s arms before we even got inside—I was hungry for a meal, but even more ravenous for him. We hadn’t made love in weeks, or it seemed like weeks. He was incredibly loving this time, caressing me, murmuring I love yous, going slow and easy. I felt like I was entering another dimension of pleasure. When we finally pulled apart after what felt like hours, I realized I had carpet burn on my tush. We’d never made it to the bed.

We were suspended between our two lives. Mom was in rehab, Goldie and Hershel
were in Brooklyn, my assignments were on hold. It was just me and Sheldon. But I still couldn’t stop worrying about our future.

“
Shel, what are you going to do about your mishpucha issues when we get back?”

“
I wish I could forget about them,” he said, with a wistful look. “I’m so tired of being responsible, of being a rabbi. I’ve had more fun down here than I’ve had in a hundred years of my boring undeath.”

“
Fun? You think rescuing Mom from drug dealers was fun?” I was horrified.

“
It was exciting. I met Hedwig and the tranny police. I danced at a nightclub. I glamoured a bad guy and got away with it. I helped execute a daring rescue. I almost got my head shot off by an assault rifle. That’s my idea of fun.”

He was still a guy, I supposed, despite being a vampire sans testosterone. “Maybe you could work for the V.B.I. when we get back.”

“
Now that would be fun. Great idea! But that doesn’t solve our relationship problems. What do we do about Goldie, and my
minyan
?”

“
The only solution—if it is a solution—is a relationship counselor,” I suggested. “But who would counsel us. Human or vampire? Jewish or goyish?”

“
Reb Shmuley would counsel us,” Sheldon said. “He’s the Hasid who’s on TV all the time giving relationship advice. He’s a buddy of Michael Jackson, who looks more like a vampire than I do. They call him Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke. It would be a challenge for him.”

“
And he could even put us in his next book, or talk about us on his radio program or
The Today Show
,” I added, thinking that he was the perfect choice. “I bet Shmuley would kill to be the first vampire-human relationship counselor.”

“
He’s got an office in Crown Heights. I’ll make an appointment for us,” Sheldon said.

Reb Shmuley might have had an office in Crown Heights but he saw only film crews there—his wall of books looked very erudite in photos. Couples in need of advice met him for lunch at the Basil Pizza and Wine Bar, a trendy Crown Heights kosher restaurant that specialized in gourmet pizza made in a wood burning oven, arugula salads and avocado ice cream. It was a duplicate of similarly pricey non-kosher Manhattan eateries.

Everyone turned around when Shmuley walked in. He was a big, burly guy in a tailored black suit, with a patterned tie and neatly trimmed black beard, who looked very young despite his reputation as a
tzaddik
. The minute he opened his mouth, however, his booming voice, air of authority and undeniable charisma made it clear how he had become a TV star. We sat at a table in the corner that was somewhat private, but it seemed that every other patron knew Shmuley and greeted him loudly. Some came up to chat.

“
Can we speak in confidence here?” Sheldon asked him nervously. “Won’t we be overheard?”

“
What’s the big deal?” he replied. “Everyone knows everyone’s business in this neighborhood. You live here. Everyone knows you.”

“
Shmuley,” Sheldon whispered. “I’m a vampire and Rhoda isn’t. That’s what we’re here to discuss. Everyone doesn’t know that.”

“
You have your own building and your own
minyan
and everyone knows you’re kind of weird—that you only come out at night. So what! You haven’t eaten any Jews so you’re OK by us.”

“
We only eat animals, just like you,” Sheldon said. “Maybe not kosher because we drink blood but Jewish law says it’s OK to eat non-kosher for survival.”

“
By me you’re kosher.” Shmuley smiled, waving at a couple in the corner who were dressed in the Ultra-Orthodox manner, the man in a black hat and long side curls and his wife in a wig and clothes that covered every bit of skin. “An observant Jew is kosher, no matter what he has for dinner.”

“
I helped those two,” he said. “Taught them to have kosher sex—now they pretend they’re a goy and a Jew having an adulterous affair. She may cover everything up on the outside, but under that long skirt, Victoria’s Secret.”

“
TMI, Shmuley,” I said.

“
OK, OK, I’ll shut up.” Of course he knew that TMI means too much information. Shmuley was up to date on all the latest lingo.

“
Speaking of food, how about a goat cheese pizza?”

“
Sounds delicious,” I said.

“
Can you drink wine, Sheldon?” Shmuley asked. “I know you’re not eating pizza.”

“
Well I can drink some, as long as it’s red, preferably sweet. I love Manichevitz.”

“
Ugh, I like the kosher dry varietals from California, but I’ll order a bottle of cough syrup for you.” Shmuley called over the waitress and ordered a medium goat cheese pizza, cabernet for him and Concord Grape for Sheldon. I guess he figured I’d drink Manichevitz too. Actually I loved it, though I’d never admit it to my more sophisticated friends.

“
So tell me about you two. What’s the problem? I assume it’s not boredom with your sex life?” He leered at Sheldon.

“
The problem is my
minyan
and my
golem
.” Sheldon got right to the point. “I can’t leave Crown Heights and my
minyan
because there aren’t any male vampires to replace me—I suppose they could do without my rabbinical services but not without a
minyan
. And Goldie, my golem, hates Rhoda because she’s not Orthodox and not a vampire. She refuses to obey me anymore. She’s out of control and I’m afraid she’ll go on a rampage. You know those stories about golems. I can’t get close enough to her to de-animate her.”

“
Goldie thinks she’s his mother,” I added, “And she acts like a typical Jewish mother—except worse.”

“
That’s right,” Sheldon said. “She’s an expert guilt-pusher. And now she’s started threatening me. She says she’ll out me to the vampire hunters if I don’t drop Rhoda.”

“
Plus we want to get married, but Sheldon doesn’t want to make me into a vampire and I don’t want to become one until I lose fifty pounds. You know what I mean?”

“
I don’t know why all Jewish women want to be skinny. We like a little zaftig,”

Shmuley said.

“
Not this much zaftig.” I said, pointing to my hips.

“
Well maybe a little less zaftig,” he agreed.

“
I like her just the way she is, human and zaftig,” Sheldon said, a little too loudly for my comfort. “In my day the most sexy women had a lot of meat on their bones, today they look like sticks.”

“
I have to think about these problems.” He nodded sagely. “They’re not what I’m used to counseling couples about. I mostly get the ‘she or he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore’ issues. Let’s wait until we eat. I think better on a full stomach.”

Luckily the pizza arrived at that moment, and we dug in. I thought better on a full stomach myself. Sheldon sipped at the Manichevitz, licking his lips happily. I know he loved the sweetness of it. Blood is salty.

Reb Shmuley ate most of the pizza and asked for another glass of wine before telling us he’d solved our problem.

“
The
minyan
problem is the easiest to solve. Why does the tenth man have to be a vampire? Is there any reason?”

“
Actually no,” Sheldon said. “I just assumed …”

“
I can get you a tenth man easily. I know every Hasid in Crown Heights. There are many Lubuvatchers who would be happy to pray with you at my request.”

Sheldon’s mouth dropped open. “I can’t believe it would be that easy. I assumed we were outcasts in the Hasidic community.”

“
Times have changed,” Shmuley reassured him. “We Lubuvatchers need all the Jews we can get, alive or dead. We want to bring Jews back into the fold, and that includes your
minyan
. If we send you a tenth man, you’re one of us.”