Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (32 page)

This played out during one of our sessions. Tom had structured the issue as him not knowing what he wanted. If he knew what he wanted, he maintained, he’d want it. But
wanting, itself
, creates the disquieting state of lacking something.

I asked Tom if this was the best relationship he’d ever had. He thought for a moment and acknowledged that it was. “Perhaps you can’t afford to decide about getting married or having sex because you’d be vulnerable to wanting the best relationship you’ve ever had.”

Tom tried to maneuver back to more familiar turf. “I said I haven’t had many good relationships. So how can I want what I’ve never known? What about people who had a crappy childhood? Can they
desire something they’ve never had?” Tom thought he had an irrefutable argument.

Without hesitation I said, “Sure!” trying not to sound combative. Tom was surprised. Tom wasn’t my first client to rationalize that he couldn’t desire something he never had, like a fruit he’d never tasted. This argument misses the essence of human desire: Desire is
all about
wanting to have what you have never had, desiring to do what you have never done, and desiring to become what you have never been.

Desire mobilizes you to become more than you are, to reach for things beyond your grasp. Human desire took us from hunting and gathering to exploring other planets. Desire for the untasted drives saints of all religions, national heroes of all countries, and couples who visit me for therapy. The solution always involves the strength to want something you’ve never had or doubt will happen. Your Four Points of Balance (Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, Meaningful Endurance) are called upon to aid you in doing three things:

1. To feel worthy as a person in a way you never have

2. To collaborate with someone you love in ways you couldn’t growing up

3. To relax and make contact during sex in ways you have never done

This is what Helen and Tom needed to do. Helen was challenged to believe in herself and act as though she was worthy of being chosen. Tom’s challenge was to openly display his desire and caring, but not allow himself to be exploited or manipulated.

After a few sessions, Helen and Tom’s issues were more apparent, and she became bolder. She opened one session by asking herself the question she had long avoided: “Maybe Tom isn’t strong enough to choose a partner?” This was more of a self-confrontation rather than a question to Tom. She was entertaining a thought she previously dodged, demonstrating her Four Points of Balance were growing stronger.

This threatened Tom and he couldn’t leave it alone. He made a move to trigger Helen’s insecurities and keep her in her place. “What makes you think it’s about me not having the ability to choose? Maybe I don’t really desire you.”

I stepped in. “That’s not a question anymore. You
don’t
desire her.”

Tom was taken aback. I had taken his emotional club out of his hand. “Maybe I desire her. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“No. It’s clear. The issue isn’t do you have any smidgen of desire. It’s do you have
loads
of desire for her. Helen doesn’t want to marry someone who wants her a little. And you’re not dying to have sex with her or marry her.”

“Well, maybe I am. I’m not sure.”

“We’re not talking about repressed feelings. You obviously are not bowled over by Helen.”

Tom finally acknowledged my point. “So what are you saying? That I don’t love Helen?”

“One possibility is that you don’t love Helen.” I paused. “Another possibility is that you can’t love anybody.” Another pause. “A third possibility is that you’ve made sure you pair up with someone who wants you more than you want her. That’s what you’ve done in all your relationships with women, from what you’ve told me. You said your last partner complained you never paid attention to her. Finding partners who want you, more than you want them, makes you feel desirable and gives you control in a relationship. It helps you stave off your fears of emotional extortion. You need your partner to defer to you, and when she doesn’t, you’re out the door.”

“But what if I really don’t want them?”

“For you, it’s not
safe
to want your partner. You get around this by making sure you want her less than she wants you. Helen complains she can’t get your attention, but you are constantly monitoring her. You’re always mapping her mind, gauging how much she wants you, and ratcheting down your desire so you always want her less.”

“Well, what if that’s true and I wish I could change? It would be good for both of us if I really wanted Helen.”

“You see Helen’s frustration over your inability to make a decision
about your relationship. When she isn’t frustrated, you don’t deal with it. When she’s frustrated, you still don’t deal with it. But today when Helen gets to the point where she’s ready to give up, and you think she doesn’t want you anymore,
then
you express some wish to have more desire. That’s all you have to do. You don’t actually need to have sex with her. That’s enough to keep Helen wanting you.”

Tom smiled. He’d been caught. He glanced at Helen to see her reaction. Helen said, “We are both so pathetic!” I didn’t acknowledge what Helen said and continued talking to Tom.

Helen was looking at a corner of the ceiling, trying to keep from crying. She saw herself settling for “possibly” being wanted. Tom sat forward on the edge of the couch to engage me. There was no sarcasm in his voice now. “So what’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

“You want to be wanted, but you don’t want to want. If you find someone like Helen, you can play this out for a while. But if you pair up with someone like yourself, the relationship would probably be volatile, brief, and end on a bad note.”

“You’re describing the relationship I had before Helen.” Tom was offering me a different kind of alliance. I didn’t know if this would last, but at least it was a turning point.

“I saw that in your history. I presumed you picked Helen because you wanted something different.”

Tom said, “Yes! I wanted something different.”

The room was quiet for few seconds before Helen added, “This is where the fool—meaning me—fits in. I’m humiliated. I’m angry with you, Tom, for manipulating me this way. But I’m angrier at myself for letting you do this to me.”

The moment was heavy with meaning. I spoke slowly, drawing our session to a close. “Then, on that note, if the two of you settle down, maybe you can do something about this.”

I looked at Tom. “If you want something different badly enough, you’ll make the difficult decisions necessary to get what you really
want
.”

I turned to Helen. “If you’re sufficiently angry and humiliated, ask yourself why you let this happen to you.” Helen and Tom left my office with sober looks on their faces.

Normal couples have desire problems because of forced-choice decisions built into love relationships. I call these “two-choice dilemmas.” A two-choice dilemma is when you want two choices but you only get one. Two-choice dilemmas create a proverbial twist: “wanting to eat your cake and have it later, too.” Loads of two-choice dilemmas arise in long-term love relationships. Helen’s
I want you to want me, but I need you to need me
, and Tom’s
I want you to want me, but I don’t want to want
are examples of two-choice dilemmas.

Other examples are:

•
I want to be in a monogamous relationship with you, but you’ve had repeated extramarital affairs
. (The partner’s two-choice dilemma is,
I want to have sex with other people, but I don’t want to get divorced
.)

•
I want to spend our money on things I know you don’t approve of, but I want you to make me feel okay and tell me I’m not selfish
. (The partner’s two-choice dilemma is,
I am tired of being the bad guy around here, but I don’t want you spending more money.)

•
If I tell you how angry I am at you, I’m afraid you’ll leave!
(The partner’s two-choice dilemma is,
We need to talk more, but I don’t want you to hurt my feelings
.)

Two-choice dilemmas permeate sexual desire problems. The classic is the LDP’s
I don’t want to have sex, but I want to stay married to someone who does
. And the HDP’s
I want to have sex, but I’m married to someone who doesn’t
. Or,
My partner gives me mercy sex if I beg, but he doesn’t really want me
.

Tom’s other two-choice dilemma was wanting Helen to stay in the relationship without having sex or getting married. He wanted things to
continue as they were until he “figured it out.” He didn’t want to break up, but Helen was ready to move on. Tom told himself Helen didn’t really care about him or their relationship, otherwise she would stick around long enough for him to decide.

Helen had other two-choice dilemmas, too: She wanted to give their relationship every opportunity, but on the other hand, she had pretty much given up. Helen was stymied by Tom’s unwillingness to openly define his true position, or to confront his own inability to
want
her.

The generic two-choice dilemma of marriage is: You want two choices but you only get one (at a time). You want two choices because (1) you want the choice to do (or avoid) whatever it is you want, and (2) you don’t want to be anxious about your choice. You want to avoid the results of your decision without anxiety or consequences. The only way you can accomplish this is to keep your partner from exercising her own choices.

People often improvise a solution: They steal their partner’s choice. This way they get two choices. It’s like having an affair but not telling your partner because if you did she would leave. You get two choices (having an affair and having a monogamous partner) and your partner gets none. The same holds true when one partner wants to move forward with having a baby or moving to another city, and after protracted discussion the other “still can’t decide.” (You get to avoid doing something you don’t want to do, and still keep your partner around.)

When people want to dodge their two-choice dilemmas, they talk about high-minded notions like “compromise” and “negotiation,” otherwise known as talking your partner out of her choice. That’s also when you hear talk of “win-win” solutions, or complaints of “feeling coerced to make a decision.” But, in actuality, people who won’t face their two-choice dilemmas are the ones doing the coercing.

The emphasis on “win-win” solutions is right-minded but naïve. Two-choice dilemmas involve choosing between mutually exclusive possibilities. Poorly differentiated people don’t use “win-win” strategies when
facing two-choice dilemmas, because that involves “taking the hit” and giving up something important. It’s far more likely they’ll steal their partner’s choice. The weaker their Four Points of Balance, the more they feel entitled to do it. “Win-win” is simply beyond many people’s grasp.

Tom was avoiding his two-choice dilemmas and stealing Helen’s opportunities in the process. Instead of letting her move on with her life, Tom tried to make Helen feel guilty about leaving. Instead of confronting himself and making a decision, he kept asking for more time—but never used it.

Dodging your two-choice dilemmas is another example of borrowed functioning that creates emotional gridlock.
The reason Tom couldn’t “figure out what he wanted” was because
this
was what he wanted
. He was replaying his childhood dynamics. He expected Helen to give herself up for him, the same way his mother expected him to do it for her.

Some people steal their partner’s choice out of spite or malice. In other situations, like Tom’s, it’s a core part of their emotional dynamics. The most common reason partners steal each other’s choice is pragmatic necessity: It’s the easiest way around a two-choice dilemma you don’t want to face. You could argue that dodging and stalling are different from stealing, but in this case the impacts are no different. Even if it’s not your intent to steal your partner’s choice, it happens just the same, because dodging two-choice dilemmas steals your partner’s
time
.

Tom’s new insight into his family of origin didn’t help him much. He vented his feelings about Mother. We even heard some anger towards Dad. But Tom didn’t really change. He spent more time asking himself what he wanted, but no new answers materialized.

Sometimes it takes real-world conversations to put the people-growing process into action. That’s what happened in Tom and Helen’s subsequent session. Referring to their weekend together, Tom said, “We’re good friends, but not lovers.”

Helen was near the end of her rope. “I don’t want to break up our friendship, but this is not what I want.”

I said, “Let’s not assume the two of you are friends. This may fit your notion of love, but it isn’t my understanding of friendship.”

Tom kept his defensive reaction under control. “Are you saying I don’t love Helen?”

“I’m saying you don’t treat Helen like a friend. I’m also saying this may be truly how you love.” It was hard to say who was more impacted. Helen was drowning again in humiliation. Tom was visibly shaken.

How do you develop enough solid flexible self to give up being needed? How do you finally believe you’re a person someone could want? You need to make the move while you still doubt yourself. Some clients tell their spouse,
“If you never chose me before, what is your choice now? If you chose me before, you’re free to choose again. Do you want me now?”
It’s more common to tell your mate,
“You chose once and you’re stuck with me. There’s no going back, whether you want to or not.”