Into The Fire (25 page)

Ash didn’t fuck me like he did last time. He
moved into me gently, taking it slow and feeling every inch of me
as he moved in and out. He sucked my bottom lip gently before he
gave me his tongue. He held me as close to him as possible,
brushing his lips past mine in a teasing way before he kissed
me.

I clung to him because I never wanted to let
him go. My arms wrapped around his neck, and I used his body as an
anchor to rock back into him. We moved together slowly but with
just as much passion as the night before.

Ash moved his lips to my neck and kissed me
softly. Then he sprinkled kisses along my jawline, igniting me in a
blaze that sent me over the edge. I never had to fake it with Ash
because he knew exactly how to make me come—hard.

He moved his face to mine and looked into my
eyes. “Beautiful.” It was a simple word but he said it in such a
way that it was somehow meaningful. The emotion in his throat made
it sound like he said something entirely different. He tensed
inside me then released, moaning the entire time as he filled me.
Instead of pulling away, he continued to grip me. He kissed me
slowly, feeling my lips with his. Within minutes, he was hard
again. Then he started to move and we picked up where we left
off.

***

We didn’t speak for the entire weekend. We
just stayed in bed, eating only when necessary. Ash would lie
beside me and look into my eyes like he never wanted to stop. His
hand would brush a loose strand of hair from my face in such a way
that my heart melted into a million pieces.

On Sunday night, I knew the fairytale was
over.

I had a date.

I sighed and left the bed. “You should go. I
need to get ready.”

“For what?” His voice sounded raspy because
we hadn’t spoken in so long.

I cringed because I didn’t want to say it.
“I’m seeing Brad.” Guilt flushed through me. Was I really the kind
of girl that went on a date right after I slept with someone? It
grossed me out.

Ash’s eyes immediately darkened and he looked
pissed. A fire erupted in his eyes, but the flames were black. “So,
you’re just going to run off and have dinner with this chump?”

I didn’t want to fight so I kept my mouth
shut.

He gripped me by the wrist and yanked me back
into bed. “Call it off.”

“Call it off?” I asked incredulously. “I’m
supposed to meet him in a little over an hour.”

“Tell him you’re sick.” He squeezed my
wrist.

“I’m not bailing on him.”

“Just do it,” he ordered.

“And why should I?” I grew heated, all the
anger coming back. “Give me one good reason, Ash.”

He held my gaze without blinking. “Me.”

“You?” I couldn’t keep the venom out of my
voice. “What about you? I should ditch a nice guy so I can keep
being your fuck buddy? What’s the point in that?”

“It’s pretty damn clear you’d rather be with
me instead of him.”

His cockiness was usually endearing but now
it was just irritating. “You’re such an ass.” I yanked my arm out
of his grasp.

He grabbed me again. “Why go to him when you
have me? I make you happy. I give you what you need. It doesn’t
make any sense to go out with him. You really want some lame
lawyer?”

“He’s a very nice guy.”

“Like you want a nice guy,” he barked. “You
want me. Why else would you have slept with me for two days?”

I didn’t answer his question. “I’m not going
to keep doing this, Ash. I need something more than a fuck buddy.
I’m looking for a relationship, a long lasting one. This was fun
while it lasted but it’s over. Let’s just walk away and move
on.”

He released my hold. “You want a
relationship?”

“Yes,” I snapped. “I want marriage and
kids—just like every other girl. I made that clear a long time
ago.”

His eyes softened. “With me?”

“No.” I didn’t want to give him a heart
attack. “I just meant in general.”

His eyes darkened again.

“I’m not going to get that from you, as you
made perfectly clear, so I need to find someone who will give it to
me.” I stood up and pulled my clothes on.

He rose from the bed, still naked. “Are you
saying you do want that with me?” His arms were by his sides but
his body was tense. His shoulders were rigid like he was trying to
remain still.

Like I would ever give him that satisfaction
by saying yes. I went all the way to his apartment to confess my
feelings and he had a skank at his place. Then he lied to me about
it. Ash would never be what I wanted him to be. He was a player and
a liar—not my type. “No.” I didn’t see the look on his face because
I marched to the bathroom then locked the door behind me.

I immediately turned on the shower to block
out all other sound. Then I slid to the floor with my clothes in my
arms. Normally, I was such a logical person. I knew when my mind
was in charge and when my heart was. Ash was no good for me but I
couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. He warned me not to fall for
him and I did it anyway. The last two days I spent with him were
wonderful and beautiful. I’d give anything to have that every
single day for the rest of my life. But Ash was untamable. He was
unavailable. He knew he had me wrapped around his finger and he
wanted to keep it that way.

I couldn’t let that happen.

***

I tried to act normal during my dinner with
Brad but I couldn’t help but feel totally disgusting. Ash’s seed
was still inside me, and I sat across from my date like nothing
happened. The guilt was eating me alive and I felt like a terrible
person. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Brad and I weren’t exclusive.
We hadn’t even kissed. But my moral compass was off anyway.

Brad examined me as he sipped his wine.
“Forgive me, but I get the impression something is wrong.”

“Why do you say that?” I ate my food and
tried to act natural.

“Well, I’ve asked you a few questions now and
you didn’t hear any of them…”

He did? How did I not hear him?

“Something on your mind?” He didn’t seem
irritated, just concerned.

I was just going to come clean. The guilt was
going to burn me from the inside out if I didn’t. “Okay, I had a
fling for a while before we met, and I ended it when I started
dating you but…we slept together yesterday and today.” I couldn’t
look at him as I said it because I felt like a whore. “I’m so
sorry. I feel terrible. I didn’t want it to happen but it did.” I
stared at my plate but didn’t eat anything.

“Alessandra, it’s okay.” His voice came out
gentle.

“It is?” I cringed because I thought he was
lying.

“We aren’t exclusive,” Brad said. “We’ve only
been on a few dates. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“I don’t think it’s good conduct to be
physical with someone when you’re dating someone else. I swear,
it’s not something I would normally do. It just happened…”

“It’s really okay,” he said. “I’m not
angry.”

I relaxed and felt the guilt float away.

“I would feel differently if we were sleeping
together but we aren’t. So, you’re in the clear.” He gave me a
slight smile.

Phew. I was glad he didn’t make a scene then
storm out.

“But it sounds like there’s something more
than just…a physical relationship.” He kept the accusation out of
his voice but not his look. “Do you have feelings for him?”

I couldn’t lie about that. It would be wrong.
“Yes…unfortunately.”

“Does he have feelings for you?”

“No…unfortunately.”

“I see,” he said with a slight nod.

“It started off as a fling, but after a few
months, I developed feelings for him. When I went to his place to
tell him how I felt, one of his guests opened the door and I
realized he didn’t feel the same way.”

“I’m sorry.” He seemed sincere.

“We ran into each other the other day and got
into a fight…and then it just happened.” I gripped my skull in
frustration. “I should have just kicked him out and walked away but
I was too weak. Now I’m back to where I started.” I pressed my face
into my palms and shook my head.

“It’s okay,” Brad said. “I’ve been
there.”

“You have?” I lowered my hands and looked at
him.

“Everyone has that one person they want so
much but can never have…or have all of.” He gave me a sad look.
“Sadly, it happens all the time. I guess that’s how I feel about my
ex. She left me so coldly, but even now, I still feel the same way.
Looks like we’re both pathetic.”

For the first time that night, I felt better.
“Thanks for being so understanding.”

“And I appreciate your honesty. If we lay
down a foundation of trust and friendship, something could happen
for us. I do like you and I know you like me. This could go
somewhere…eventually.”

“I think so too.” I gave him a smile. Brad
and I both had our baggage and it was nice to be in the same boat
at the same time. It wasn’t a romantic love story like in the
movies, but maybe it could become one someday.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Ash

I was losing my mind.

Alessandra walked away and left me there
alone. She wanted to go out with some guy she didn’t even like all
that much instead of being with me.

Months ago, she said I wasn’t her type.

And I still wasn’t her type.

What the hell was wrong with me? But I didn’t
want a relationship anyway. I didn’t do the girlfriend thing.
Monogamy just wasn’t my cup of tea. Why have sex with the same
person over and over when you could try every crop in the
field?

But I didn’t want Alessandra to be with
anyone else.

And I didn’t want to be with anyone else
either.

What the fuck did that mean?

Why was I so upset at the thought of him just
touching her hand? Why did I demand that she stay with me instead
of going out with him? My whole world was turned upside down and I
didn’t even know what to think anymore. I used to be happy, taking
it one day at a time. The town was an adventure, and meeting new
women in foreign places was what I lived for. I’d broken more
hearts than I could count, and I never looked back after I did
it.

Alessandra was the first girl to cut me
loose.

She didn’t want me.

I wanted her but she didn’t want me.

That’d never happened before.

***

I went to Sawyer’s place to watch the game.
Empty beer bottles sat on the coffee table along with a few bags of
chips. Sawyer sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other.
It was hard to concentrate on the game when I was so angry I wanted
to demolish his entire apartment.

“How’s work?” Sawyer asked as his eyes were
glued to the screen.

“Fine.” I was on my fifth beer and I still
didn’t feel the haze I craved.

“How’s it going with your parents?”

“Fine.”

Sawyer turned to me. “How’s life in
general?”

“Fine,” I snapped. “And could you stop asking
me a million questions?”

He didn’t drop his gaze. “Why are you acting
like a cunt today?”

“I’m not,” I snapped. “You’re a cunt.”

Sawyer didn’t rise. “Seriously, you’ve been
moody all week. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

Sawyer wouldn’t let it go. “I’m worried about
you. You’ve been weird for months and now you’re even weirder. I
feel like there’s something you aren’t telling me.”

I just wanted him to get off my case. “My
parents returned my money.”

“They did?” Now he abandoned the TV
altogether. “And you didn’t mention that? You didn’t say that the
second you walked in the door.”

“It happened a week ago.”

“And it took you this long to bring it up?”
he asked with skepticism. “See? There’s something seriously
wrong.”

“I guess I just don’t care.”

“You can finally open your shop, something
you’ve wanted to do for a long time, and now you don’t care? That’s
shooting out red flags everywhere. Seriously, what the hell
happened?”

I was miserable. That’s what happened. “You
remember that girl I told you about?”

“Yeah. Didn’t you end it or something?”

“She ended it. Well, we went out to dinner
with my parents and we got into a fight…then we slept
together.”

“Okay…” Sawyer didn’t see what the big deal
was.

“She’s dating some loser, so when we slept
together, I thought that would get him out of the picture. But the
next day, she got dressed and said she had to meet him for a
date.”

“And that’s important because…?” Sawyer
couldn’t follow.

“I just don’t understand,” I snapped. “She’s
with me for three months straight and we’re great together, and
then she just decides she wants to start dating? It doesn’t seem
like she even likes him.”

“But why do you care, Ash?”

“I don’t fucking know.” I really didn’t. “I
asked her not to go but she went anyway. She says she wants a
relationship and I can never give that to her. Then I asked if that
was something she really wanted, but she said she didn’t want it
from me. Apparently, I’m not her type.” My voice was full of
bitterness. “If I’m not her type, why is she all over me? Why does
she fuck me harder than I fuck her? Why does she sleep with me at
night? It doesn’t make any damn sense.”

Sawyer drank his beer before he set it on the
table. “It sounds like you’re really into this girl…”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Actually, I think you’re in love with
her.”

“Shut the fuck up,” I blurted. “I’m not.”

“Then why do you care if she sleeps with
other people?”

“Because she won’t sleep with me anymore. She
kicked me to the side and is looking for someone better.”

“Again, why do you care?”

“Because…I just do.” I ran my fingers through
my hair in irritation. “Can we stop acting like girls and just
watch the game?”

Sawyer grabbed the remote and turned off the
TV.