Irresistible Fear (3 page)

“Are you going to the open house at the community college this weekend?” Sasha asked, changing the subject suddenly.  Sasha had been on her to at least think about taking classes in the fall.  Sasha would be enrolling as well and made no secret of the fact that Emily needed to start thinking more about her future.  When Emily thought of college, her mind immedialty went to dollar signs.  Her first priority was to get out of the house she shared with her mother. All other plans were secondary. 

It’s not that she didn’t want to go to school but when she thought about the money required to attend, she felt a little nauseous. Sasha couldn’t really understand this argument. It wasn't as if Sasha's parents were loaded by any means, but their only daughter never went without, that's for sure.

“I see that look on your face.  Stop being so negative.  You’ll never know if you can do it unless you at least check it out first.  Just tag along, I want the company.”  Sasha stated, her enthusiasm infectious. Emily sighed, knowing she was going to cave. She had a hard time saying no to Sasha.  Sasha grinned, seeing Emily weakening.

With a mouth full of the unfortunately delicious cake, Emily glanced at her watch.  “Crap, I’ve gotta go.  Can you drop me off at work?”  Sasha wiped invisible crumbs from her lap. “Try swallowing, then talking please.”  Emily smacked her arm. Sasha laughed. “Sure, just let me get a box of cookies to take home.” “You’ve got to be kidding me! You just ate like four.” Sasha rubbed her stomach. “And they were de-li-cious.” Emily just shook her head and waited by the door.

She really wished she had taken the day off when Kurt, her boss, offered. She would have liked nothing better than to spend the evening at the Reynolds' house. Sasha’s mom and dad had become surrogate parents and Emily felt more relaxed and comfortable there then she did anywhere else.

But her logical mind always won out. She knew she needed the money. While she knew she was saving for her ultimate goal, that unrealized apartment, she knew the real reason she worked her butt off. And it had more to do with the fact that she never knew if her mom had enough money to support them. So, she was often relied on as the bread winner. Emily was often anxious about whether she would come home to find their electricity cut off or a foreclosure notice on the front door.

Sasha walked to the door, already picking at the cookies in the box. Emily swatted at her hand. “Your mom will kill you if you don’t eat dinner.” Sasha licked the icing off her finger. “I know. But I’ll just offer her a cookie and she’ll forgive me.” Sasha danced to her car, holding the box over her head. Emily laughed in spite of herself and ran after her.

Once buckled in, Emily felt an exhaustion that was bone deep.  She laid her head back on the seat and closed her eyes.  Her head was pounding and she felt as if she could sleep for a week.  “Dude, wake up. You are absolutely the worst company lately.” Emily opened one eye. “Sorry. Just taking a quick cat nap.” “Just don't snore please.” Sasha teased, but didn't say anything else about it.

           Emily must have nodded off because it felt like only thirty seconds later and Sasha was pulling up out front of the large glass door that served as the entrance to Deep River Caverns. “At least you didn't drool on the upholstery” Sasha kidded as Emily got out of the car. “Thanks.” Emily replied dryly. Sasha wiggled her fingers out of the window and drove away.

Emily walked inside, pulling her employee badge out of her book bag and slipped the lanyard over her head.  “Hey Emily!” Ava called from behind the gift counter.  “Hey Ava.  Any tours lined up for the afternoon.”  Emily secretly hoped there weren’t any. 

“Yeah, you have two back to back.  Bus groups from Canada.”  Emily and Ava groaned simultaneously and then laughed.  Ava pulled her dark hair back into a pony tail.  “Happy Birthday by the way.  Bummer you have to work.  Kurt didn’t let you take off?”  “I told him I wanted to work, it was my call.”  Ava looked at her like she was crazy but just shrugged.  Ava was gorgeous, the type of girl that made you want to hate her, if she wasn’t so nice.  Ava went to high school in the next town over but they had formed an easy friendship when the two started working together last summer. 

“Put your game face on girls, the first bus just pulled up.”  Kurt bustled in clapping his hands and giving off the air of someone who was perpetually busy. Though he never seemed to do much more than wander around frantically barking orders.  Kurt’s thinning hair stood on end and his face was flushed as if he had just run around the building.  Emily had a love/hate relationship with her boss. He was a good guy but he was extremely high strung and anxious, which was grating after about five minutes. 

“Ava, get your blazer on. What are you doing? You've been here for twenty minutes already. Emily, come on, get to the front of the store. Chop, chop Emily! This is a pretty big group, mostly seniors, so be that perky little thing I know you can be.”  Ava rolled her eyes but ran to the back and pulled on her maroon blazer with the Deep River Caverns logo embroderied on the pocket.  The small gift shop was soon filled with the drone of voices.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur.  The tours lasted around forty-five mintues each.  Every time she walked into the elevator to take the trip down twelve stories, she felt such a rush.  The experience of waiting for the doors to open was surreal.  It felt as if she were entering another world.  Perhaps that’s why this job was so appealing.  The caves were beautiful.  Different colored lights cast their glistening glow on the wall.  The sound of dripping water echoed ahead of her.  Everyone always took an immediate hushed tone once they entered the cavern.  It was the effect of being in such an amazing place.  These stones had been here for millions of years and would be for millions more.  It made her feel very small in the grand scheme of things.

Her shift went quickly. Her groups were great, thank god.  Very polite and thoroughly appreciating her knowledge and patience at their endless questions.  The groups screamed predictably at the point in the tour when she would turn off the lights and they were thrown into pitch black darkness.  She had to admit that this part was pretty freaky.  She wouldn’t allow herself to think about being trapped under here without the lights on.  They had a couple of power outages since she had worked there. Another tour guide had been down in the caverns with a small group during a lightning storm. The storm knocked out the power and even though there were backup generators, they only powered dim lights along the walkways. The guide had been visibly shaken when she had gotten back up into the store.

At the end of the evening, she counted up her tips, an impressive haul for three hours of work.  She got a ride home with Ava who dropped her off a street over.  Very few people actually knew where Emily lived.  She was too embarrassed by the sorry state of her once beautiful home.  Her mom had let it fall into a horrible state of disrepair. Emily remembered when her mom and dad bought the house. Back, before her day had taken off and her life had a semblance of normalcy.

It had been the most amazing house Emily, in her impressionable four year old mind, had ever seen. But that was a life time ago. Now, her dad was gone, her mom was a barely functioning alcoholic and she was just sad and depressed.

Sasha was the only one that had ever been inside.  Plus, the last thing she needed was for her mother to make a dramatically horrible entrance.  She had been the subject of enough gossip in her seventeen years, she tried to limit the collateral damage as much as possible.

It was already dark outside when she walked up to her house.  The familiar sense of dread flooded her stomach as she prepared herself for whatever scene would greet her once she opened the door.  It looked as if every light was on down stairs.  The front door was slightly ajar.  She slowly made her way up the walk and pushed open the door.  There were two strange men sitting on the couch in the living room.  One leered at her suggestively.  She scrambled up the stairs. 

As she made her way to her room a hand shot out and grabbed her arm. “Where the hell have you been?”  Her mother slurred.  She was dressed in a short mini skirt and a blouse with a plunging neckline.  In other words, she had been to a bar and picked up the shady characters that now occupied her living room.

“I had to work mom.  Now I’m going to do my homework and go to bed if you don’t mind.”  Her mom viciously yanked on her sleeve. “Don’t you give me none of your lip.  I need to know where you are.  I’m your god damn mother!”  Her mother yelled into her face.  Great, this was going to take awhile.   She was exhausted and her head thrummed with a now constant ache.  She knew her next actions were wrong, but she was at her breaking point.  She shoved her mom against the wall and yelled back, “Just leave me the hell alone!”  She ran to her room and locked the pad lock she had installed on the otherside.  Her mom followed her, banging on the door and screaming at her through the wood.

“Just go away mom.” She whispered tiredly.  Her mom then began throwing things at her closed bedroom door, yelling and cursing the entire time.  Emily sat on her bed and waited for her mom to tire of this game and go downstairs.  Like clockwork, her mom quit after ten minutes and she heard her walk back down the hallway and down the stairs.  After a few more minutes the front door slammed shut.  Emily again waited a good twenty minutes and then snuck down stairs.  It looked as if her mom and her “friends” had left.  She quickly locked the front door, knowing her mother wouldn’t be back home tonight. 

She made the rounds as she did every night, locking the windows and checking closets and rooms.  It might seem paranoid but Emily didn’t live in the best neighborhood and there was no way she could stay home by her self without the assurance that there was no one lurking in the hallway closet. 

After she felt sure of the fact she was alone, she walked back upstairs and turned on some music.  She really needed to finish her homework, but she was too tired to concentrate.  She knew her grades had been slipping significantly as of late.  She once prided herself on her A’s but lately she couldn’t muster up more than a C in most of her classes.  She tried to blame it on the fact that she was barely sleeping, but if she was honest with herself, her motivation was gone. Her priorities rested more on staying sane and getting away from her mom.

  Sasha was right though, she needed to see a doctor.  She pulled the phone book out of her desk drawer and thumbed through the yellow pages, finding Dr. Hammond's phone number.  She wrote down the number and shoved the scrap of paper into her book bag.  She swore to herself she would make an appointment tomorrow. 

She laid back on her bed and stared at her ceiling.  The drywall was cracked and yellowed with age.  She remembered when her father was still there.  Their house had been lovely.  Her mom used to plant flowers in the garden and kept the cabinets stocked with all of her favorite foods.  This was before mom began drinking and her father left her to deal with the fall out alone.  She had no idea where her dad was.  She received a card every now and then for Christmas or on her birthday but they were sporadic.  She hadn’t received one this year and she really didn’t know if her father was alive or dead.  She found that the thought of her father still caused a pang.  The rejection, pain and loss were still present after all this time.  

She curled up on her side, bringing her knees up to her chest.  As her eyes drifted closed she thought to herself “Maybe I won’t dream.” But even as she slipped into the void of sleep, she knew she wouldn't be that lucky.

Chapter 3

Snap. Snap. Snap. Emily focused her camera on the tangled limbs of an enormous willow tree. Snap. The wind blew the elongated leaves to the ground and she peered over the lens, looking for that perfect shot. She was trying desperately to forget about the nightmare that had plagued her sleep. Once again, she had dreamed of awful image after awful image. She wished that she could forget about them once she woke up, but these dreams didn’t work that way.

She angled her camera slightly, taking another picture. Last night she had dreamed of her mother. Her mother mutilating her as she screamed for help. Yep, it didn't take Dr. Freud to figure out the basis for that one. She had woken from it drenched in sweat and when she thought of it now, her heart rate picked up and she felt fluttery inside.

Shaking her head, she focused on her teacher, whose soft voice drifted from between the trees. “Okay guys, pay attention to the shadows and the movement of the light. I want you to find something that is a perfect blend of light and dark.” The art teacher, Mrs. Au, called from across the front lawn. It was after school and Emily and a group of ten other kids were wandering around the grounds snapping photographs.

Emily loved the photography club. Mrs. Au was very artsy and loved to dress the part. She wore vibrant colors and a super cheesy beret. She didn't hold the beret part against her though. Emily loved Mrs. Au and when she had approached Emily after seeing a photograph she submitted for her freshman art class, she had suggested she join the fledgling photography club.

In the beginning there had only been Emily and one other girl, Abigail Spencer. But a year later there were now ten of them that gathered in Mrs. Au’s art room every other Thursday afternoon. It was nice to feel a part of something.

Emily laid herself underneath the swaying branches and pointed her camera upwards, seeing glimpses of the sky between the intertwined wood. Emily felt so relaxed laying there, her camera firmly gripped in her hands. She lived for moments like this, just she and her camera. There were times when she thought she’d be happy with just that.

She tried not to mire herself down in thoughts of what waited for her when she got home. Her life was not something that inspired much creativity. Photography allowed her to forget all that, even if only for a moment. Sasha laughed at her, calling her a photo junkie. And Emily always laughed with her, agreeing that at times it bordered on obsession. But there were times when her camera was all that kept her sane. Having that passion, this escape, this need to capture something as random as a sliver of light on a fallen leaf is what made it possible to put one foot in front of the other.