Irresistible Forces (21 page)

Chapter 12

A
NNA GONZALEZ HAD
come to the trauma unit to work with Steve, but within two days of her arrival, Steve had realized that she was extremely independent. She knew what she had to do, and she had her own ideas. She took direction well from him, but she also had her own opinions. And by the time he came back from his week off with Meredith over the holidays, Anna had gained the respect of everyone she worked with. What's more, they liked her.

She filled him in on everything she'd done the morning he returned, and she had kept careful notes for him, and when he read them, he was astonished.

“You did all this?” he asked, with a look of wonder. She had had department meetings, reorganized a few things for the sake of efficiency. She had changed some schedules, and still managed to do surgery, and treat a staggering number of patients. “Don't you ever go home to your kid?” he teased.

“Not often,” she said somewhat sternly. In spite of the vague description he'd given Meredith, she was a pretty woman and looked younger than her age, but somehow when he was with her, he didn't notice. She didn't smile a lot, and she was intense about her work. There was something about her that said she was all business. But she was incredibly gentle and warm with their patients. She was clearly a woman of many facets.

She had started work before his holiday, but it was only as January droned on that he began to feel he knew her. She was tireless, and willing to work endless hours. She never seemed anxious to go home, although he knew she was devoted to her child, from things she said, and when he asked her why she was willing to work such long hours, and for so many days, she faced him squarely.

“Two reasons. I like what I do, and I need the money.”

“What do you do with your daughter when you're here?” There was something about her that intrigued him. There was something hard about her, or protected perhaps, she had a tough outer shell, and yet at the same time she was very gentle in many ways.

“I leave her at my neighbor's. They have five kids, and she's happy with them.”

“And what about you? Don't you need to go home once in a while? We all need to get out of here so we stay sane,” he said with a tired smile. He had been on duty himself at that point for four days.

“You don't seem to go home much either,” she answered. She had thick dark hair, and soft brown eyes that looked like chocolate.

“My wife lives in California,” he said by way of explanation.

“Are you divorced?” He shook his head. “Separated?” She was curious about him too. There were a lot of rumors about him. People said that he was a good guy, and he had an odd relationship with his wife, and she wasn't sure what that meant. So she asked him. Anna Gonzalez was never afraid to ask questions, and something in her eyes said that she expected answers. And the best way Steve could have described her was that she was harder than Meredith outside, and softer inside. She had a blunt, gruff way in working with him sometimes, and then she would say something kind that genuinely touched him. More than anything, she seemed very guarded. She was a woman who'd been hurt, and she wasn't about to let it happen again. She was a fighter, and a survivor.

“My wife and I are bicoastal,” he said, with a smile, and she laughed at his answer.

“Is that a sexual preference, doctor, or a diagnosis?”

“Both. It means I'm celibate ninety percent of the time, and I'm crazy about a woman who works in a city three thousand miles away from here, where I can't seem to find employment, but I'm looking. For a job. Not another woman.”

“It sounds complicated,” she commented, as they sat in his office, drinking coffee out of styrofoam cups. They had just finished a difficult abdominal surgery, and she had worked endlessly, and finally dislodged the bullet. Her nimble fingers, delicate techniques, and sheer stubbornness had saved the patient. Steve had been almost certain that he couldn't have done it himself.

“It is complicated,” he admitted, referring to his living arrangement with his wife. “We've only been doing this for four months now. She took a job in California in October, and the job I had lined up fell through last month, and I'm stuck here anyway because of Lucas.”

“That doesn't sound good.” Her eyes bore into his, and were full of questions. She thought he was a good surgeon, and an interesting person, although perhaps marginally eccentric. Sometimes he liked voicing opinions that shocked the nurses.

“It's not good,” he said. “She got a great job offer, and I encouraged her to take it. I got a job right away, for January, and then they flaked on me. Actually, it's the pits. But there's not much I can do about it for the moment. All I've been offered out there recently is a low man's slot in an ER that treats mostly hemorrhoids and sprained ankles, with the occasional case of hives, or asthma. Their log nearly put me to sleep.”

“You're spoiled here,” she said matter-of-factly. She was wearing the same scrubs he was, but even they couldn't conceal the fact that she had a great figure.

“Maybe. Maybe I don't need all these headaches anymore. Maybe I'm ready for something easy. It might be a relief.”

“I doubt it. It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into it. How can you go from this to something that won't challenge you?” She was practical about it. Anna Gonzalez was a no-nonsense kind of person. She'd had to be.

“Easy maybe. I don't want to lose my marriage.”

“If it's yours, you won't. If it isn't, nothing you can do will save it.”

“Do you charge extra for that kind of advice, doctor?” he teased, and she smiled.

“No, I give it for free, because I don't take that kind of advice myself.’’

“I hear you're divorced,” he said simply and she nodded.

‘‘ Very.’’

“What does that mean?”

“It means we hate each other, and I hope I never see the sonofabitch again. He walked out on me when I was eight months pregnant, because his parents gave him a trust fund to do it.”

“Oh that,” Steve tried to make light of what she'd said, but the look in her eyes said that she was deeply wounded.

“He's never seen his daughter.”

“From the sound of it, that could be lucky for her. No one needs a father like that, Anna,” he said gently.

“No. But everyone needs a father. He's always going to be a mystery to her, a fantasy, some kind of lost hero, because she doesn't know him.”

“Maybe she will someday. Maybe she'll find him.”

“Maybe. I don't think he'd see her. He was embarrassed because of me.” She still looked angry about it. He had given her a raw deal and she had never forgiven him for it.

“Then why did he marry you?”

“I was pregnant. He was noble. Then he was chicken.”

“Ah, the human race, and its charming foibles.”

“I guess.” It was easy to talk about real life in the middle of the night when you were suspended between two worlds, saving lives and helping people. The world outside, the world beyond their walls, seemed at times like it was on another planet. And all they had was this, and each other. It formed strange bonds between people. Like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean. But Steve was sad for her, she sounded hurt, and angry, and bitter, and disappointed. The only time her eyes lit up and she looked young again was when she talked about her daughter. Steve knew from Anna that her name was Felicia.

They were called away to another emergency then, and two days later after some time off, they were back together, working. It was the weekend. And at midnight, they were both starving and ordered pizza. She seemed happier than the last time they'd talked, he made her laugh with some bad jokes, and old stories about assorted weirdos they'd had in the trauma unit over the years.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked, as they wrestled with the mozzarella on the pizza, and she laughed at the question.

“Are you kidding? When? Does anyone who works here have a boyfriend? How do they manage that?”

“Some of the guys do,” Steve said casually, and she smiled in response. “None of the women.”

“What about you? Do you see other women?”

“Of course not.” He looked shocked. “I told you, I'm married.”

“Yeah, to a woman in another galaxy, far, far from here. I just wondered.” But she had heard that he was faithful, and liked him for it. She was pleased with his answer. More than a lover, she needed a friend.

“When does she come here?”

“Not often enough. She's coming this weekend.”

“That's nice. Do you have kids, Steve?”

“I'm not that lucky.”

“Why?” She had seen him with children in the trauma unit, and it was obvious that he liked them.

“She's always been too busy. I guess we both have. I can't really blame her. She thinks she doesn't want them.”

“If that's what she thinks, and that's what she says,” Anna said matter-of-factly, “then she doesn't. Believe her. Guys always think they can talk women into it, but they can't. And if they do, it's a huge mistake.”

“Is that what happened to you?” He sounded puzzled, and he didn't agree with what she said. He still thought he could talk Meredith into having a baby, she was just nervous about it. Anna didn't know her. But he had always thought Meredith would be a great mother, if she gave herself the chance.

“Nope,” Anna answered him honestly. She was always honest with him. It was her style, and she liked him. “I got knocked up. Plain and simple. We'd been dating for about two months, and zap, bingo. He was panicked. And I wasn't too happy either.”

“Why didn't you have an abortion? It would have been simpler.”

“Lots. I'm Catholic. I didn't want to. I couldn't afford it. I always thought I could, if I had to. But I couldn't. My father went nuts. My mother cried. My sisters felt sorry for me. My brothers wanted to kill him. It wasn't my favorite time in my life. I was going to go back to Puerto Rico after my residency, you know, to help my own people, take care of the poor. I thought about specializing in tropical diseases for a while, but it's better for me here, working in the ER. Anyway, it's too complicated to go back to Puerto Rico now. It's easier for me here. Easier for them too. They don't have to apologize for me, or lie about Felicia. My father tells people I'm a widow.” It was amazing sometimes the things families did to each other, but nothing surprised Steve anymore. He had heard too many stories. And hers didn't surprise him either. He just felt sorry for her. She was on her own, in tough circumstances, and somehow she managed. It was such a far cry from Meredith with her big job, and huge salary, the stock portfolio she had put together for them, and their comfortable apartment. It made him feel more than a little guilty as he listened. His life was so much easier than Anna's. It made him want to help her in some way, but there wasn't much he could do for her, except get her a real job in the trauma unit one day, instead of just a
locum tenens.
“What about you?” she asked him then. “Do you ever think of doing anything else? Private practice? Or maybe working in a clinic in a Third World country?”

“Only in my worst nightmares,” he smiled at her and she laughed. “This is bad enough. I don't need snakes and parasites to make it any worse for me. Is that what you want to do when you grow up, Anna?”

“Yeah. One day. Maybe when Felicia's older. I can't do that with her now. That was my specialty as a resident, infectious diseases. But after Felicia was born, I switched to ER work and stayed in New York. It's safer.”

“That's a depressing statement. If you don't get shot here, you never will. It's safer on the subway after dark than it is here, all those nuts who shoot each other eventually wind up here and could come after you.”

“But at least Felicia has a normal life. I can't give her that working in the Third World.”

It was a point, but Steve knew that life was also not easy for them here.

They worked together day after day, and Steve grew fonder and fonder of her. The brittle outer shell was only skin deep, and inside there was an extraordinary, sensitive woman. And the packaging wasn't bad either. He saw her leave in jeans and a T-shirt one night, and a ski jacket, with her hair down, and she was stunning. He couldn't even begin to imagine how great she would look in real clothes, with makeup. But she never wore either, she didn't have them, and didn't want them. She was a totally natural woman, with an incredible body, a fine mind, and a kind heart.

By mid-January they were fast friends, and he had come to rely on her. She was a person you could count on, and he did, often. She was hard on him at times, when she thought he was wrong about something, and she wasn't afraid to argue with him. But what surprised him most was that he liked that about her. She had her own opinions, and she voiced them with ease. Once in a while, she even shouted at him in Spanish, which amused him.

Once she called him
“hijo de putana,”
and he thanked her and said no one had ever said anything as beautiful to him, which incensed her.

“I called you the son of a whore, for chrissake.”

“Shit, Anna, I thought you were telling me you loved me.” It made her laugh, and the argument was over. Besides, as he reminded her frequently, he outranked her.

“That doesn't mean you can push me around,” she pointed out to him and he was philosophical about it.

“That's right, unfortunately. But I can have a hell of a lot of fun trying,” he said with a grin.

“You're hopeless.” She loved to fume at him just to let off steam, but it was also obvious how much she liked and respected him.

She was happy for him when his wife came to town. But it was a difficult weekend for Meredith and Steve. They were trying desperately to make their lives mesh with the little time they had with each other, and it seemed to be getting more challenging from week to week. Steve was in surgery all night before Meredith arrived, and when he met her he was irritable from lack of sleep. She had gone out of her way to make the weekend nice for him. She'd brought the sourdough bread he loved, fresh crab, and two bottles of an excellent California wine. But he was too tired to eat or drink, and after they argued over petty irritations over lunch, he wound up sleeping all afternoon. Meredith hung around the house waiting for him to get up, but it was nine o'clock that night when he finally did.