Island Rush (77 page)

My chin quivered, and I hated that I couldn’t be with him. Hated myself for the trash I was and that he lost me. He didn’t deserve me for who I was now and I knew I was going to end up breaking his heart. I loved him so much, just as he did me. But I was nothing, and he was worth so much, his whole life priceless and worth living.

He went on as he looked back at me for that small second. “I see it in your face now too. You love him. A lot more than you want to at the moment. I saw that love on his face, Janice. And when I was able to get myself together and saw the bodies, I called the other cops to get there — the ones I knew I could trust. I saved Casey’s ass and said I shot the gun, and it was self-defense so Casey wouldn’t get charged. It was another huge risk, but I felt that it was the right thing to do. He shot Alex because he had to despite the fact that it wasn’t technically self-defense.”

Eyes wide, I felt my breath increase. He saved him from being charged. Hell, he trusted him with everything — his job and reputation. It was a huge risk, and not many would have done that, but he did. And because of it, Casey was alive and so was I.

“Thank you,” I said in a daze.

Glancing back to me, he smiled. “You’re welcome. Anything for the girl who saved my best friend. He told me everything about you after that when he was forced to go back to the hospital.” Coming to a stop sign, I looked at him to my left and knew my aunt’s house was down that way.  However, when he turned, my gaze moved to the right. He turned the other way.

“Um,” I said, catching my breath. “You turned the wrong way.”

Sighing, he didn’t blink an eye as he continued down the road. “No, I didn’t.”

“My aunt’s house is that way,” I said, gesturing back behind me with my thumb.

All he did was purse his lips and nod slightly. “I know.”

“Well, then where are you going?”

He didn’t answer at first. The silence in the air seemed to be a big enough hint. Casey. He was taking me to see Casey, he had to be.

“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding truly apologetic once he saw I realized what he was doing.  “Technically, I didn’t lie. I will take you to your aunt’s house. We are just… taking a little stop on our way.” He turned down a less busy road out in the country more. “All he wants is to see you. He needs to, and I know you don’t want to talk to him for some reason but—”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t see him. I’m nothing, I’m nobody! Please! I…I don’t want to ruin his life! I’m not ready to break his heart!” I said without thinking.

“What?!” He exclaimed.  He was shocked and took a hard breath, trying to drive straight.  Looking to me, he went on. “What does that mean? Ruin his life? Break his heart?”

I sighed. “I know he loves me. I love him. But… he needs to move on. Do you understand what happened to me? You saw me when Casey saved me. I was used, I’m garbage, worthless, and nothing! I’m not worthy of a man like him. I won’t be able to look at him without feeling guilty!” I felt myself start to shake. I knew I would have to face him but just not now! How was I going to speak to him when I’m already shaking with a few tears silently streaming down my face? “I need to break his heart. I need to suffer, and that will kill me, but it’s what I deserve.  With that, he will get a better life without me. I want him to be happy and, though neither of you understands, the person that will make him happy and give him children in his life isn’t me.”

He pulled into a drive that was surrounded by trees, moving back into the woods. “That’s a load of complete shit.  I’m taking you here to talk to him, and I won’t get in the way. I’m just saying, look at it from a different perspective.” He smiled with a glint in his eye that told me Casey must have told him really everything. Including what I said about the point of views and perspective when we talked about photography. “Be open minded and just talk to him. All you were was a victim and yeah, you were used. That doesn’t make you any less important. I know you can’t accept that now, and I don’t expect you too. But you and I both know how special that love is between you two. It’s there, and it’s too important to throw it away because of what happened.”

I understood what he was saying. I knew that I was probably just seeing myself from how that experience made me feel. I was raped over and over by my brother. And not only that, I couldn’t let hope back into my life for the fact that it would just disappear. When I talk to Casey, I needed to at least try to look at it with a different perspective. He was right, our love was too big to just let it go. But that’s not what I wanted to happen. I just needed to train myself to let him go and show him he could have better than me.

He pulled up into a large area, a clearing where the sun lit up the long wavy grass blowing in the wind. He slowed the car where the small gravel road stopped, and streaks of grass started to grow. It reminded me of the island. The land was flat, trees all around in a peaceful setting. What really caught my eye was a big brown barn. He stopped the car when it was in sight all the way across the field. The worn barn had planks of wood missing from its side and looked old and abandoned. Looking to my side, I saw a silver car parked next to us, and I knew that was Casey’s car.

“What is this place?”

“Casey and I use to come out here when we were kids. We used to just talk, hang out here to get away from everything. It was always nice here. It’s out of the way where no reporters are, where nobody can hear, and nobody knows about it.”

Looking ahead, I took a deep breath, knowing Casey was there. What would I say? I didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to talk to him. I knew to get this over with now was better. He was waiting in that barn, waiting to talk to me and convince me that we needed to be together. That we could struggle through it because it was worth it. I don’t deserve that, but I hoped.

Hoped… Damn. Human nature was to hope. I just tried to keep it out and still, it didn’t work. I couldn’t let hope back into my life, knowing it would destroy me.

“Tell him I said you’re a keeper because you are a keeper.”  Turning to him, I smiled. I was surprised at how close I felt to him already despite being a little mad about him bringing me here. I understood why Casey really liked him as a friend. “And if you do break his heart, try to go easy on him. He loves you. God, he loves you so much.”  He sighed, looking down at his clock. “I need to get going in about fifteen minutes. I am on break, but I need to get back by then.  So if you are still talking to him by then, I will leave, and Casey will take you to your aunt’s.”

I sighed. I had a feeling it would be a long talk since I planned on telling him we couldn’t be together. Meaning, I would break his heart, and he would still have to take me to my aunt’s house. That’s going to be one awkward car ride.

“Thank you for all you have done.  I mean that.  If I’m not back in time, it was a pleasure meeting you,” I said to him as I opened the car door and got out.

Looking back into the car and where he was sitting, he smiled up at me. “It was an honor meeting you too, Janice.”

I slammed the car door closed and walked towards the barn, hating this and not wanting to do this. But that was a part of my suffering of course. Taking a breath, so confused at everything and what I wanted, I began to walk towards the barn where I knew Casey would be waiting inside.

Chapter 79

Walking through the thick and tall grass, I took in the boards of wood hung from all but a nail on the barn.  Some planks were gone and let in the orange sunlight.  It seemed to take forever to get to the huge barn, but when I did, I paused. 

Two months. I haven’t seen him or spoke to him in two months. I felt terrible, but it was for the best.  He needed to move on without me, and that’s what I was going to tell him. I knew he was a wreck, but it was because he loved me as I loved him. I was a wreck from not seeing him for how much I loved him.  This was going to be hard, but I would have to stay strong and firm. 

Taking a deep breath, I moved ahead the few feet it took to reach the barn door that was slightly open.  My heart beating in my lungs, my stomach and head hurting within me, it told me something that justified why I couldn’t run away from this situation. I knew I had to do this. This was the right thing to do.  It was the right thing to do for us both. It would make me suffer more, and it would ensure him a free and well-lived life without me. A better one. It was the right thing to do, to break his heart. I knew it was the right thing but why did it feel so wrong?  Maybe because it would kill me in the end.

Squeezing through the small crack of the huge door, I stepped into the barn.  The sunlight seeping rays onto the hard floor through the cracks and openings where some of the planks of wood were missing.  The barn was empty besides a row of empty stalls on the right side and a few tools leaning against the wall.  Looking up, there was a dusty ceiling that reached high up until it stopped at a creasing line.  Hay laid scattered on the ground and smelled of dirty nature.  It was a beautiful place, brightly lit by the evening sun.  It gave off a welcoming feel too. Looking around, I understood why they used to like to come here.  The air was filled with freedom, and the walls held a place of productivity and work.  I would come to realize all this later because the first thing that reached my eyes had nothing to do with the barn or the setting.  It had to do with a man. 

Seeing him… it brought more tears to my eyes. I didn’t belong here. I didn’t want him to see me, the damaged and used girl I am now.  His wonderful and alive eyes didn’t need to be tainted. I hurt him so badly.  I didn’t want him to forgive me or even bother me. All I wanted was for him to forget me.

He sat on a wooden bench on the other side of the barn.  The bench was just a few boards sticking out of the side of the barn near the ground. His legs stretched before him, his back was against the dusty wood of the barn.  His head was tilted down, eyes looking at the ground. There was something different I noticed too. 

Instead of the temporary prosthetic, this one was clearly permanent.  I could tell because it looked mechanical and much more advanced.  Like a real arm and hand.  It had the shape, the detail, everything.  The only difference was that it appeared mechanical.  There were shiny metal levers and small parts that connected it together.  It was clear that the doctors did a good job linking it to his system and nerves.  His fake hand and fingers complimented his body and movements. The mechanical hand was propped on his knee while his other hand rested on the bench beside him.  

Moving beyond that detail, there was much more of him to take in. He wore jeans and a brown button-up shirt.  He looked well rested and refreshed for the most part. Casey also appeared clean, but nothing like he did before we were stranded.  He looked like the same man I loved with his hair still having that messy look without being greasy.  I saw there was a bandage around his hand, white material wrapped around the skin of his knuckles.  Though he looked better, his eyes were tired with bags under them.  With his dead eyes on the ground, he looked defeated.  He looked disturbed, defeated, and done. 

The moment I saw him, I wanted to turn and run. I also gasped at the sight of him after so long.  Frozen in place, I saw he lifted his eyes to me.  They were so powerful…
Stay strong, stay strong.  I want what is best for him, and that means I need to break his innocent heart. 

The second his eyes saw me, he jumped to his feet, wanting to come to me.  Wanting to come to me and show me he loved me.  It was clear with the couple of steps he took, but he stopped at something.  At realizing that I didn’t answer his calls and that I didn’t want to see him.  I hated it, seeing him stop and freeze where he was.  I hated that it was because of me, but it had to be that way.

He faced me, staring at me from across the area of the barn. I saw him swallow hard, eyes burning with sadness and nervousness at seeing me for the first time in two months.  Oh god, this would be the hardest thing I would ever do.

“Janice.”  His lips parted, breath shaky. 

I bit my lip.  I felt myself shaking, and I looked away from his gaze, not being able to handle his eyes.  He was looking at me, seeing me as I really was and that was nothing good.  Staring at the scattered hay, not wanting to meet his eyes, I only heard his hard breath.  The silence grew thick between us.  My stomach was heaving, my head dizzy, my body shaking, my arms and legs covered in goosebumps, with my dead heart aching.  Oh god. 
This is the best thing to do,
I kept telling myself.

“How are… how are you?” he asked. I knew he wanted to say something else but couldn’t.  I looked up at him, seeing his hands were in shaky fists, his eyes begging. I saw he wanted to move towards me but saw his successful effort in staying where he was.

“I’m okay.” I met his eyes, and I couldn’t take him looking at me.  I couldn’t help my next words from escaping.  “Um, please don’t look at me like that or don’t look at me at all, please.  I… I don’t want you to see me.”

His eyes widened, and lips parted, sucking in a hard breath. He blinked a few times and managed to move his eyes slightly, moving his gaze from me. It took a lot and seemed to take forever, but his eyes finally came to rest on the hay beneath his feet.  He closed his gaping mouth, lips held in a tight line.  “Why can’t I look at you?” he asked the ground quietly.

How was I going to answer that? What was my answer? Oh god, oh no
. Suck it up, hold it together.  You can do this
.  “It’s not worth it. You shouldn’t have to suffer by looking at me.  You shouldn’t have to suffer at all by talking to me. I’m sorry for that.” 

His eyes shot up and met mine, anger in his gaze and disbelief.  “Excuse me?  If I look at you or even speak to you, I’m suffering?” he asked slowly.  His voice was incredulous and filled with anger.  “Is this a joke?”

I wiped a few tears away, biting my quivering lips so I wouldn’t start sobbing.  All I could allow myself were quiet tears.  “I don’t want you to be… exposed to me and—”

“Why?” he asked immediately, cutting me off. He got up and stepped forward, unable to help himself.  Small steps, he came closer, and it made me back up a foot.  At seeing my reaction, he stopped at seeing me back away from him.  His face showed that this hurt him badly.  He never wanted me to do that, never wanted me to run away from him. 

Both of us frozen in place, eyes locked, I felt I couldn’t get enough air.  “Casey… I’m bad for you.”  I took a hard and deep breath. “I’m nothing. Nothing and should be nothing to you. You deserve better, and all I am is filth—”

He didn’t care anymore about the space between us, not when he heard my words.  He swiftly came towards me before I could respond by backing up anymore. His face was alive, fierce and powerful.  Shocked and disgusted at my words too.  Feet determined in the few steps it took, he reached me, grasping both my shoulders and looking down into my wet eyes.  I felt my body try to move back, but he must not have felt it from how much tension was between us.

“How dare you say that?!  How…?” He shook his head, pursing his lips. “How can you say that?!  How can you believe that?  You are everything!  So important to me, to this world!”

I felt something strange within me.  For weeks, I told myself that I wanted to suffer and was glad I lived for me to suffer.  Yet, my next words went against that, and I wasn’t sure where they came from.  Anger swelled up in me at remembering what he did for me.  Remembering he saved me and how it was such a stupid thing for him to do.  My next actions shocked me because I was sure that any power, any fight in me was dead and pointless.  But this was a different fight: it was for Casey. 

My hands moving up to his chest, I pushed him back and away from me, forcing his hands to leave my shoulders.  I saw his surprise when his eyebrows dipped in confusion.  But after that first push, I couldn’t stop myself.

“I can say that because that is the truth!” I said through my clenched teeth.  Standing before me, I saw he was shocked at my actions. I moved forward, pushing him again when my hands rose to his chest.  “How dare you?! You shouldn’t have come that day! You should have left me! I am nothing! A waste of your time when you have a life worth living without me!  How dare you risk your life for a piece of shit like me?!”  Moving closer to him, backing him up, I pushed him again, and he shook his head. He lifted his hands, trying to grasp at my arms but I didn’t let him. I kept pushing him. “How could you save me?  Why?  So stupid Casey!  You are too important and too good to bother with me!”

“Janice—” He tried grabbing my hands, getting frustrated as he obviously disagreed. When he tried grabbing me, I felt my hands tighten into fists, and I pushed him back harder though he tried coming back to grab me.

Cutting him off, I pushed again.  “Idiot!  I am nothing!  I lost everything!  My worth, self-respect, and meaning!  I am worthless and used! Beaten into pieces until there is only something that needs to suffer for being a nuisance!  For letting myself be exposed and for letting him do that to me!” I might not have been conscious for when Alex raped me, but I knew what happened.  The proof was all over me afterward just like the pain.  That proof also showed that I wasn’t strong enough.  I blacked out and should have somehow fought back harder!

“You didn’t have a choice!” His arms went around me, and when they tightened, I tried pushing him back more out of pure anger. I started to hit his chest, over and over as I cried.

I tried to move anyway from his grasp so I could push him again. I was so mad at him and yelled through my tears. “It didn’t matter!  It happened! I became a toy! A used bag and something to keep him entertained! Something to give him power!  I am used and broken, and you don’t deserve me dragging you down!”

He stumbled, trying to push me back and away so he could get a good hold on me.  “Calm down!  Stop!” he growled, angry I would say those things.

“No!  You came and saved me!  You couldn’t just let me die.  Because you loved me, and you shouldn’t!  You shouldn’t love trash like me!  You need to move on and let me go!  You need to live a good life, and that can’t happen if I’m in it!”

I pounded on him again, but he finally was able to push me back.  He moved my arms to my side, holding them there firmly.  His teeth bare, face in front of mine, he slightly shook me.  “I understand!  I get it for Christ’s sake!”

“No, you don’t,” I said, defeated.

“I do!” His eyes searching my face, breath brushing against my face, he looked less angry and more begging. Swallowing hard with watering eyes, his voice broke with his next words.  “I know! I heard!  I heard it all!”

What was he talking about?  He heard?  How?  I didn’t understand, and as I watched his face, I saw it was true from how broken he looked.  His eyes kept me in place, burning with a memory that would haunt him forever.

When I didn’t say anything, he did.  “I tried calling you that night!  I thought you picked up but the next thing I heard… I heard shouting. Then I-I heard your brother.” I felt the blood drain away from my face.  I recalled that the phone did ring, and I tried picking it up. Only Alex made me drop it before I blacked out…. Oh, my God.  No! Casey was the one who called! When the phone hit the floor, I didn’t know it was still on. Casey heard it all! Oh no, oh god.  Why?  Why?  He didn’t need to hear that, didn’t deserve to hear all that happen to me when I wasn’t even able to hear it happen to me! 

Oh, my God. “All of it?”

He nodded, a tear falling from his eye at the memory. “Yes, but that was after leaving the hospital.”  I could see through his pained expression that his mind was going back to everything that happened that I didn’t know. “The minute you left the hospital room with your dad, Jill told me she saw what was going on.  She understood and then Rachel, my nurse, came in. I explained it to her, and she eventually understood.  Rachel helped me leave the hospital without anyone knowing.  It took a while to get out of there because I was weak, and it took a bit to convince Rachel to sneak her own patient out of the hospital.”

Something popped into my head the second he began explaining. Two months after it all happened, I still wondered how Casey managed to get out of that hospital alive. There was a man, Eric, that my dad instructed to kill Casey. Hearing that it took Casey a while to even leave the hospital, it made me wonder how he managed to get out without Eric reaching him first. “It took a while?  There was… no other problems leaving the hospital?” I asked.

He sighed.  “I-I… really didn’t want to mention it. The security cameras picked up a man on my floor of the hospital acting suspiciously. They could see what seemed to be a gun on him, so, as a standard operating procedure, they had locked the hospital down. He tried getting into my room before they could arrest him. Thankfully, Rachel understood what I explained to her about your situation and managed to lock the door of my room before he could.” Pausing and watching me carefully, I saw his gaze turn curious and suspicious. Raising his eyebrows in interest, he continued with a question. “How did you assume that something else happened?”