It Ends with Revelations (24 page)

She had also lived in a state of great comfort, even luxury. Food, warmth, clothes and, above all, absence of anxiety … compared with the hell of her early years, life with Miles had been pretty like heaven. And as sex had brought her little but misery she had barely felt the lack of it. But it had been there all the time, tunneling,
undermining
– and sometimes coming to the surface surely? Had there not been days when she had scanned the face of almost every man she met – scanned even the faces of strangers – wondering, seeking? But the seeking had been swiftly repressed; always she had reminded herself of past
misery, concentrated on present contentment. The state of suspended animation had been self-induced.

That day she had first met Geoffrey … she saw herself strolling along Spa Street, in the afternoon sunshine, remembering her youthful self. She had been fully conscious then of the lack in her life. Perhaps her need had somehow materialized Geoffrey, brought about everything that had happened since. But now she could not feel even a flicker of desire for him. There had been more than desire when they sat here together in silence. Was that all gone too? Perhaps something would creep back, when she let it. But for the moment she only wanted to wrap the years with Miles round her, especially those womb-like years in the old Islington house. But even the months in this flat now seemed valuable.

Where was Miles now? If only she could reach him! Oh, she wouldn’t try to persuade him, it wouldn’t work. But she would be thankful just to be with him for an hour or two. Well, she could be, perhaps even tomorrow. But by then their life together would be a thing of the past. She wanted to prolong it … just a little longer.

The doorbell rang. She ignored it. There was nothing to prove she was in. It rang again. Then the flap of the letter box was pushed in and Kit’s voice came through.

‘Jill, darling, are you there? Oh, you
are
– I can see a bit of you through the sitting-room door.
Please
let us in.’

Then Robin spoke. ‘Jill, dear, Kit’s terribly worried in case something she said upset you. Do let us come in – for just a moment. Father, you speak to her.’

Geoffrey said, ‘At least let us know you’re not ill.’

‘But she is, Father,’ said Kit. ‘She must be.’

Well, one must behave. One must not alarm people. But the voices had dispersed the last lingering warmth of the years with Miles. And as she called out that she was coming she thought of herself as plunging into cold water. But one could get used to cold water, find it stimulating. And the great Thornton take-over bid would soon be a completed operation.

She flung the door open with resentment – and found herself gasping, ‘Oh, my darlings, how could I worry you so? I’m perfectly all right, everything’s all right. And I love you all.’

The New Moon with the Old

The Town in Bloom