It Wasn't Love at First Shalini and I (16 page)

He left. We both laughed. I don’t know at what, but we did. He
got us the food in less than the stipulated time and we started gorging
on the food. It was really good and worth the insult by the hands of
the waiter in front of Shalini.

“You know what, now I am getting that Swades movie feeling.”
“Is that music playing in the background? Tae tae tae taeeeeee.”

“Stop it, you are really bad at it. And yes it is. And even Shah
Rukh is there. And he looks so good. And plus, he is not even insulted
by the waiter at a dhaba.”

“Hold on, he will be in some time.”
“Shut up.”
I did. She fantasised about Shah Rukh and I just ate the paranthas.

“These parathas are heavenly. I wish you could get something like
this in US.”

 

“So how long are you here?”

 

“Don’t worry, this time I will not just run away. Honestly, I am
too famous now to run away.”

“And pretty modest too!”
“I call a spade a spade.”
“But seriously, how long are you here?”
“Long enough.”
“Will I get to know how long?”
“What do you think?”
“I think- no.”
“Correct answer. But this time, I won’t vanish.”
“Yeah, considering how famous you are.”
“Or considering, that I don’t want to.”

She looked at me and for the first time, I saw something more
than mystery in her eyes. She had always been a mystery to me, but
for the first time, I thought that this was leading to something. I did
not know yet what it was though.

We ate the paranthas, I paid the guy, no tip of course, and we
headed towards nowhere and got close to the national highway.

“You know, there is supposed to be a 15% tip.”
“Welcome to India. Here, we do not tip, we ask for a discount.”
“Where does this road lead to?”

“Jaipur, if you go like a really long way on it. Otherwise there is
Manesar, Pataudi and lots of other small towns.”

 

“You been to any of those places?”

 

“Yeah, for work.”

 

“Okay, so let’s not talk about that. Your work is boring. I like this
highway, pretty much like an American highway.”

“Yeah, took a long time to build. You see that building over there?”
“Yes, what about it?”
“Well, never mind.”
“Tell me.”
“Never mind.”
“Tell me now.”
“You will find it boring.”
“Is that your office?”

“Yes, how did you guess?” “Two things, one of course when you
said that I will find it boring. And two, the dread in your eyes when
you looked at it. Let’s go.”

“Where?”
“I want to see where you sit.”
“Its 3 am at night. It would be closed.”
“We will break in.”
“I will get fired.”

“Come on, we will not steal anything. We will just go inside, take
a walk, and come out. Does it have CCTVs?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Then let’s check. Come on, don’t be a sissy. Plus, if they fire you,
your next job will be much better than this.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Because there can be nothing more boring than what you do.
Now come on.”

So we walked the200 metres to my office. The guy at the security
was sleeping so we directly walked into the compound. The same
compound which used to be full of people dressed formally in pants
and shirts and talking about sales, numbers, promotions and affairs
now bore an empty look. There was not a single soul in the vicinity.
We tried the door. It was locked. Shalini looked at me and asked me
where the fire escape was. I just stood there. She went around the
building and found it.

“You are being a chicken.”
“I am not chicken. I just don’t want to be fired.”

“Don’t worry, even if you are, I will make you a singer in my
troupe. Then atleast life will be a bit interesting.”

We entered the fire escape.
“Which floor you sit on?”
“First.”

We climbed up to my office. The door was locked. She tried
pushing it open. I took out my access card and opened it. She smiled,
and we were inside. My office had the typical office look. Some
lights were on so that it was not completely dark. There was a huge
open space which had cubicles in it, and on the left, right, front and
back, there were offices of the senior people, and there were a couple
of conference rooms.

“Which office is yours?”
“I don’t have an office.” And then as an after affect “yet.”
I held her hand and took her to my cubicle.

“This is where I sit. A 4 by 4. Now you can go ahead and make
fun of it.”

Surprisingly, she did not. She sat on my seat and looked at the
partitions which separated my cubicle from other cubicles. There
were photos of me and Hari at a cricket match, there was a cricket
ball signed by Sachin himself, there were one or two certificates from
work, and there was a lot of mess. She was taking a very keen interest
in whatever was there. She took a couple of minutes studying the
photographs, and a couple of minutes making sense of the mess. I sat
on my table and she on my chair. There was an eerie and romantic
feel about it.

“Have you ever made out with a girl in your office?”
“No.”
“That status is not going to change. Now let’s go or else you might
get caught.”

We took the same route to get out of the office and once we were
on the highway again, she spoke.

“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For taking me to your office.”

And that too, just hung in the air. We walked along the highway
for some more time, clueless to where we were going, clueless to
where we wanted to go. Just walked. It had been a very long time
since I had just walked and doing that with her felt amazing. I thought
of Kriti when I was with Shalini. Would I feel the same way had I
been walking with her instead of Shalini. I tried to kick the thought
out of my mind. Kriti was for real, Shalini was an unknown fantasy.
I spoke to clear my head.

“So how long are you here this time?”
She smiled.

“You can ask as many times as you want, but do you really think I
will tell you that?”

I let that pass.
“Doesn’t this look pretty.”

I pointed to the road in the front. It had a hazy look to it. She all
of a sudden turned towards me and said

“Kiss me now.”
“What?”
“Now.”
I puckered my lips and she burst out laughing.
“I got you again with this one.”
We both smiled at each other. She spoke

“How desperate are you? Not getting any action is it? Are you
seeing someone?”

This was the first time either one of us had asked such a direct
question, and she let it slip in so casually. I prepared myself for the
answer. I put my hand in my pocket, held the ring and spoke

“I was seeing someone, but it’s now over. Been quite some time.”

I kept on playing with the ring. I wanted to see her reaction to my
statement. Would she be happy that I said I was single? Or would she
not really care. She took the latter option. No change of reaction.
Nothing at all. And then after 5 seconds, I saw a twitch. I did not
know what to make of that.

“Did it hurt?”
“What?”
“The break up?”
“What break up? Oh that, yes it did. I would be lying if I said it

didn’t hurt. It hurt bad. But it has been more than 8 months now. So
I am over it.”

 

I lied to her. There had been no break up. I had been engaged the
same day. What was I doing?

 

“Enough of me. You tell me, are you seeing anyone?”

“No. I waited to meet you again, because I really liked you. But
then, I guess I left too much on fate. Should have tried harder to get
you. And I liked you all these years, so I really couldn’t get into a
relationship with anyone else.”

I waited, for her to burst into laughter again. I was not going to
fall for this any more. But 10 seconds passed, then 20, then a whole
minute, and nothing happened. Then she spoke again.

“And I also know you are engaged. I changed my name, you did
not. I guess almost the whole world on Facebook knows that you are
engaged. You have quite a thing there- Kriti right?”

I didn’t know what to say but a yes.

“She is pretty. Very pretty. And you both will look great together.
She will make up for your lack in the looks department. And why
did you lie to me? You could have told me that you are engaged.”

She looked at me expecting an answer. I was not really sure on
what was happening.

“I just did not know what to say. We were meeting after all these
years. And it was you! I mean, it was you, how could I say that I was
engaged. How could I just let you out of my life like that?”

“Well you did by getting engaged.”

 

“But I didn’t know that I would see you again. And that too today!”
and then as an afterthought. “Is this meeting planned?”
“What do you think?”

“I really don’t know what to think. I mean, you have been
following me! For how many years? And why did we meet today of
all these days? Seems like too much of a coincidence.”

“Why do you think? You got engaged today. Today is the last chance
I have with you.”

“Shalini, I am seriously very confused. Could you please spell it
out to me. And yesterday was the last chance you had with me, not
today.”

“I had to do it sometime, and tonight is as good as any other. So
why not.”

She held my hand, we stopped walking. She led me to a grass
embankment close to the road under a lamp and sat on a bench. She
folded her feet and sat facing me, I did the same. This was going to
be difficult for her. But I was listening. This could change everything.

“I fell in love with you. It wasn’t love at first, but it was love every
time after that. And I was so stupid that I could not understand it for
so many years.”
“When did this happen? On the train.”
She broke into a smile. I really wanted to see that smile. Serious
talk was on, I wanted something to relax us both. Her smile did it.

“No you idiot. I was too young at that time to love you. I liked
you at that time. I told you right, it wasn’t love at first. But you were
the first guy I ever wanted to talk to.”

“So the next time we met? At my college?”

“I guess it was that time. In fact, I am sure it was then. It’s not that
you looked great or had a great personality or that you were very
funny that you swept me off my feet...”

“Thanks. Compliment it is.”

 

“Anytime! Anyways. It was not that you looked great or had a
great personality or were very funny...”

 

“Thanks again.”

“Anytime! So, as I was saying, you were not smart, neither were
you too funny, but there was something about you. I don’t know
what it was. I still don’t know what it is. In fact, I don’t think it’s
anything about you. It’s just the way I feel when I am with you. Its
different, it’s never been this way with anyone. I just don’t want the
time to end. ”

“But you are the one who has always left without any warning!”
“I know. Because I was scared. Scared of getting you and then of
losing you. When we met during college, I was so devoted to my
music that I saw you as a big distraction. And when I did not win the
competition in your college, I was sure you were a distraction. That
was the first time I had ever lost a singing competition. And because
I was thinking of you the whole time!”

“Thank you.”

 

“No, I am not putting the blame on you. What I am saying is that
you were a distraction.”

“No, the ‘thank you’ was not sarcastic. It was a genuine ‘thank
you’ for thinking about me the whole time. And if it helps, I was
thinking of you not only that day, but on many days that followed.”

“Obviously you were.”
“What is so obvious in that?”

“I told you right. You did not look great, did not have any
personality and were not funny. If a girl spent the whole night with
you, you ought to be thinking about her for atleast seven years!”

“So that is the reason we met after seven years?”

“Shut up. So as I was saying. I considered you to be a distraction,
and hence I did not do anything about us. In fact, as soon as the
competition got over, I decided to leave. I knew that had I spent any
more time with you, something would have happened.”
“You would have fallen for the charm.”

“Don’t overdo it. So yes, I also thought about you for a long time
after that. In fact, for seven years. I always thought that what would
have happened had we been together. Would the pain of my father’s
death been lesser? Would I have been more successful with my music?
Would I have been happy?”

Her eyes had lost all color. She was back in the mode she had been
seven years ago. She continued.

“Life really did change in those seven years. My father died, my
mother died, I failed in the one only thing I thought I could do, I
shifted countries to run away from the pain and from a lot many
more things and I lost all hope and all confidence in life.”

She was quiet, and then she spoke “I will tell you something that
I have not told anyone.”

 

There was a pause. I knew this was going to be something big, I
just knew it.

 

“I killed my father.”

 

I did not react. I just kept on looking at her. No reaction. I did not
want to judge her, I wanted to understand her.

 

“I killed my father, with these very hands.”

She lifted her hands in despair. This was the first time she had told
this to anybody, in fact, I think this was the first time she had said
this out loud, she needed time to recuperate. I waited.

“I killed my father with these very hands. He was not a good man,
my father. He never loved me or my mother but we made peace
with it. He frequented brothels, tried to have affairs, but we made
peace with it all. You know, traditional Indian woman would never
go against her husband even if he was a fucking man whore. But
then, the beating started. When I was around 19, he would come
home everyday, and would start beating my mother. I wanted to
goto the police, protect her, protect myself, but my mother did not
let me. We slowly started making peace with that as well. But then,
one day, my mother lost it. My father was dead drunk when he came
back home and the usual beating started, but then he did something
he had never done before, he hit me. “