It Wasn't Love at First Shalini and I (17 page)

“He hit me with a bottle and I started bleeding. My mother lost it
after that. She was a devoted Indian wife, but before that, she was an
Indian mother. She slapped my father.”

There was silence for a minute. Her eyes closed. I knew this was
very hard on her. I did not press.

“My father went berserk after that. He slapped my mother, kicked
her, did everything possible and I just lay there crying. He kicked her
till she was almost dead and then all of a sudden, I got up, took the
bottle which he had used, and put it right through him. To end it
once and for all.”

More silence.

“I went to my mother and we both cried, cried the whole night.
But morning came, and we had to do something, and do it fast. She
decided to send me to some other country so that I would not be
involved in the legal cases. I never regret killing my father, but every
living second I regret leaving my mother all alone to fight the battle.
I wished I had done things differently, but I was very young at that
time, and very frightened. My mother’s cousin brother, the same
uncle who had picked me at your college, used to send people to US
on a fake visa. He had a whole illegal thing going and he knew people
who would take care of me in US. So I left my little town, that very
morning, never to come back again. The police case about my father’s
death had escalated and had I been in the country, they might have
held me as well. So my mother ensured that my passport was never
with me and that I never could come back. In fact, I got to know
about her death two months after it actually happened. My uncle
was too protective to tell me what had happened. My mother killed
herself by hanging from a rope in the mental institution. I guess the
guilt of not being a good Indian wife got to her.”

I just looked at her, and she just looked at me. She spoke again.

“This is the first time in over ten years that I have come to India.
And yes, it does feel nice. The police case got settled soon after, but
there was nothing which would bring me back. I had no one here, I
had no one there. I was a lost soul. And that is the time I met you in
US.”

I knew this was the first time she had ever told anyone about this.
But she had no tears in her eyes, no emotions in her voice. Just a
plain cold look. And it stayed that way for more than five minutes. I
wanted to hold her, to console her. But I knew, that she did not tell
me this because she wanted consolation, she told me this because she
wanted to. It was a burden on her soul and baring herself in front of
me the way she had, made her feel better. I just sat with her, letting
the past get out of her, get out of her for good.

She spoke again. But this time, there was a spark in her eyes. And
the tone was completely changed.

“During those days I thought about you a lot. In fact, you were
the only source of hope in my life. I had tried to get back to music,
but I had failed in it. I could not understand how two meetings with
one person can make you love them so much. But it had happened.
I was madly in love with you, and I guess the hope to see you again
kept me going on some level. I had left it to fate. After it had been so
unfair to me, it had to make me meet you again.”

“And it did.”

“Yes it did. But the timing was terrible. At that time, I was
personally at my lowest. I was getting used to the fact that I had
killed my father, and used to the fact that I had deserted my mother.
And that is when I met you. And you made a difference.”

“I am glad I could help.”

“You know, it was not that something happened the day I saw
you. It was just that I had met someone I knew after ages. There was
a connection with you, you reminded me of my childhood, of my
dreams, of music, of love. But I ran away from it all. After seeing
what all I had in my life, I thought that you would come, and then
just leave. Like everything else.”

“What happened then?”

“Then I knew that fate would make us meet again. So honestly, I
wanted to make myself worthy of you so that the next time we
would meet, I could stand up and say that I love you. As I said earlier,
at that time, I needed you more than you needed me. And I did not
want it that way. You may think that it is all crap but seriously, I
needed something to go on in life. You made me reconnect with
myself.”

“So this meeting, as you said is not by fate.”
“No, I think I trusted fate a little too much to meet you. With the
advent of social media, facebook, etc, it is not difficult to find a
person with a name as weird as yours.”

“Come on, it’s not that weird.”

“I thank God every day that it is. I had left it all on fate till about
a week ago. And then I thought that I had had enough. I found you
and came to know you are getting engaged. So here I am, purposely
a day after your engagement, to say thank you . And....”

“And what?”
“And to tell you that I love you.”

We sat there, looking into each other’s eyes. And I knew she meant
every word she had just said.

 

“I really don’t know what to do.”

 

“Neither do I. But I feel great that I have told you. In fact, I feel
great that finally I have talked about my past.”

 

We both sat on the bench and stared into the dark sky. She then
got up.

“I should leave now.”
“Where to?”

“I don’t know. I thought that I will not run away from you this
time. That this time, I will make sure that we are together. But I
don’t think I can do that. I am just happy that I told you. But I guess
it is too late.”

“I really don’t know what to say. Maybe it is too late. I really like
Kriti.”

“Just what I thought.”
She smiled. If there ever was a fake smile, that was it.

“A little too late. What would have happened had we met yesterday.
I had initially thought of meeting you yesterday. Would that have
changed your decision?”

“I guess we will never know.”

I did not want to break her heart. But I really had no option. She
gave me the fake smile again, picked herself up, and left. And left me
behind, staring at her, and thinking what could have been.

I woke up to a morning sun, birds chirping in my ears, people
jogging around me to stay fit, and old people laughing out loud in
unison to stay mentally stable. My eyes opened partly, the sun rays
rushing in, and then closed again. Was I living a dream? Had I actually
spent the night at a park right next to national highway the day I had
got engaged? Startled I sat up and looked around for the comfort of
my bedroom. I searched by pocket for my phone. It was 6:45 am. 4
missed calls from Kriti, I could handle that. I could lie that I had too
much to drink and lost all senses and crashed at Hari’s place. I always
had an alibi in Hari. I didn’t really know what to do. My head was
spinning, I was kind of hungry, and the thoughts of Shalini had started
making appearances in my head again. I closed my eyes, took out my
handkerchief and put it over my eyes, and lay down to sleep again.

I woke up after 2 hours, still on the very same garden. The sun was
out in full force now, the people who were jogging in the morning
could now be seen running after busses on the highway, the chirping
birds had been replaced by barking dogs in search of food, and the
old people were back to sleep. I checked my phone, 7 missed calls, all
Kriti. I kept my phone in my pocket, got up and reached out to the
highway for a taxi. A taxi stopped, I got on, and he started. He asked
me where I wanted to go and I told him to take me towards Delhi.

The phone rang again. It was Kriti again. This time, I picked it up.
“Where have you been? I have been calling you since morning.
How much did you drink yesterday? I even tried calling Hari but
even his phone was switched off.”

I cursed Hari. He should have taken more care. But Kriti’s tone
right now was more of concern than of nagging. The nagging would
start once we got married I thought.

“I met an old friend, and got talking.”
“Oh! Who was the old friend? Some one I would know?”
The tone was now inquisitive, still not nagging.
“No, I don’t think you would.”
“Hmm, would you care to tell. Male or female?”

I thought she would be a little more subtle in asking, but she
wasn’t.

 

“Female. Her name was Shalini.”

Kriti hung up. No shouting, just hung up. The cab driver asked
me where I wanted to go. I just asked him to go straight, we were
crossing Delhi and were taking the Grand Trunk Road which leads
to Chandigarh. The phone rang again. It was Kriti.

“Did you spend the night with her?”

 

“I did. But nothing of the sort what you think happened. We just
talked.”

“And where did you sleep?”
“In a park.”

I don’t know why, but I just didn’t feel like lying. I could have
easily told her that I was with Hari, we had too much to drink, and
then slept off. No more questions would have been asked. But I just
kept on telling her things that would make her mad.

“In a park? Are you crazy? Did she sleep with you in the park?” and
then as an afterthought “Are you crazy?”

 

“No, she left around 3, I just didn’t feel like coming back home so
I slept there.”

Kriti hung up again, not to call back. The cab driver asked me
where I wanted to go. I closed my eyes and tried to relive the last
night. I asked him to go straight. Myriad thoughts were going through
my mind. Thoughts concerning me, concerning Kriti, concerning
Shalini. Was I doing the right thing marrying Kriti when I knew that
Shalini could be mine? Did I really want Shalini to be mine- after all
how much did I know her. Was it true whatever Shalini had told me
yesterday night? Did she really love me? Did Kriti really love me or
was she marrying me for a secure future? Did I really love Kriti or
was I marrying her for a lack of effort to find someone else? Did I
love Shalini or was it the mystery in her which had attracted me to
her?

My head started spinning again and I closed my eyes and tried to
sleep, but sleep never comes at the time you really want it to. I
continued to stare outside. We had left the city now and were in
hinterland India. Everything all of a sudden seemed so beautiful, the
crops growing in the fields, the woman with earthen pots filled with
water on their head, the buffaloes and cows grazing under the trees,
small kids running after even smaller dogs, overcrowded jeeps and
buses.

All these things, which had seemed irrelevant and redundant till
yesterday, now seemed so beautiful and serene. I looked at the rearview
mirror. There was a smile on my face, a smile which I had not seen
for a long time, a smile which was definitely not there when I woke
up for gym every morning, which was definitely not there when I
was having Italian food or shopping, a smile which was definitely
not there when I was talking to Kriti, a smile which was definitely
not there when I was getting engaged.

I checked my pocket and found the engagement ring. I took it
out, opened the window, and threw it away.

 

Just like that.

I noticed the smile, it had not gone away, it had just widened. The
taxi driver again asked me where I wanted to go. This time I said
Ambala, my hometown.

The taxi continued on its journey towards Ambala. I had to find
Shalini. I could not let her go away like the times I had let her go
earlier. The first time we had met at the railway station, was at my
hometown Ambala. I knew, that after coming back to India after so
many years, and after opening up about her past to me yesterday, she
would go back to kill the demons which still lived in her head. There
were no direct trains from her hometown to Delhi, that is why we
had met in the first place, because her family was taking a connecting
train to Delhi from Ambala. I hoped that there would still not be
any direct trains and she would have to get off at Ambala.

And that is where I would find her.

After thinking of Shalini for some time, the thought of Kriti came
to my mind. I never had loved her, but I did care for her. I guess the
words I had said during our engagement were a testimony to that. I
knew I was doing a terrible thing to her. I knew I could never make
up for it, but it was my happiness over hers. And I was selfish.

I guess everyone is. But at that time, I felt it was Shalini’s happiness
over Kriti’s. And I went for Shalini. I knew Kriti would not forgive
me, I just hoped she would forget.

The journey towards my hometown continued and as we got near,
the anxiety grew even more. In a short while I was there. The taxi
dropped me at the railway station. I had old memories of this small
city and I occupied a bench amidst all the frenzy in the railway station.
I kept on looking at people as they came and went. Hope in my eyes.
Hours passed by, but I knew that I would see her again. Fate could
not be so unkind to me. And then after around five hours, a lonely
figure came walking around the platform.

She was in a dark green dress. She was fair, had a dimpled chin
which gave a something special to her smile, long eyelashes, curly at the
end, like a princess would want them, kajal around her eyes, kajal to
keep away the bad omen from her beautiful face, a small parrot nose,
which twitched when she frowned, and black flowing hair, which I
would later know, she thought were brown.

It was Shalini.

 

She looked at me, our eyes met, and I could see a tear roll down
her cheek. I guess she knew why I was there.

“You came.”
She ran towards me and we hugged.

“I love you Shalini, I love your beautiful eyes, your dimpled chin,
you parrot nose, you black hair. I love you.”

 

She had tears in her eyes but still managed to say “My hair are
brown, not black.”
ONE YEAR LATER
H

 

ari

Hari was now the proud father of three children. His wife
thought that their son was getting bored alone so they needed another
kid.

They had twins.
Hari, I think has grown up now.
Pooja and Rannvijay