It's Never Enough: Book 1 in the Never Series (13 page)

“This view of the moon is breathtaking.” The world looked as if it was bathed in the blue light of a moon that was so full, it almost looked fake.

“Yeah, I didn’t even know about this lake till last year. Not many people do,” he said while laying out the blanket he’d grabbed from the trunk of the car.

“How’d you find out about it?” I asked while sitting down on the blanket.

“A friend of mine’s a lifeguard here. This place is so peaceful and open. I’ve come here a few times at night just to clear my head.” He turned to me. “But I never thought I’d be sitting here with a girl who shines brighter than the full moon.”

His words sounded like a line from a carefully written romantic movie, but the softness in his eyes made me believe every one. I bit the inside of my lip. “Devin, tonight’s been like a dream. I don’t want it to end.”

He moved a hair to behind my ear, and a warm smile crossed his face. “It doesn’t have to end yet.” His eyes darted down to my mouth, and I heard him sigh.

My heart pounded in my ears as we moved together to kiss. His lips were ripe, and I wanted to suck all the color out of them. The warm night air brushed against my skin as Devin’s hands moved from my hair, to my neck, to my breasts. I pulled at his t-shirt, moving it up and over his head to expose his delicious chest. Without warning, I latched onto his collarbone and sucked hard until I’d bruised him. From the ruffled moans that escaped him, I could tell he enjoyed it. He grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it off me. I pressed my chest against him with the fabric of my bra seeming like a brick wall between us. As if sensing how badly I wanted my skin pressed against him, Devin unhooked my bra and slipped the straps down off my arms exposing my ever-waiting breasts. His hands rubbed over them and his fingers flicked my nipples, and I thought I was going to explode. He lay down on the blanket and pulled me on top of him. The feeling of my bare skin touching his was mounting inside me, and I didn’t know how much longer I could control myself. As the water washed against the shore, and the moon shone on our bodies, we moved closer together with each touch, each kiss, and each breath. I let myself give up control and give into him and the moment. All that I’d ever needed was suddenly being given to me.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“Can you help me zip this up?” Fiona asked from inside the dressing room.

At her request, I pulled back the curtain and helped her zip up the back of a slinky black dress she was trying on. We were at the mall shopping for a dress for her to wear on her date with Jude Cole, the musician who played at Perked. Fiona had been frequenting Perked each night that Jude played there. She made not-so-subtle attempts to let him know she was interested—such as wearing her low cut V-neck top whilst pressing her breasts on the table so he could stare at them while he played. The two sat around talking over coffee after his last set. She said Jude was witty and edgy and totally into his music. She just knew that she had to have him. The date outfit she was shopping for was for an outing they were going on. Apparently, there was some hot new club opening up nearby, and Jude wanted to check out the local band that was playing there.

“Do you think it’s too tight?” Fiona asked as she looked herself over in the full-length mirror.

“Well, that depends,” I said.

“On what?” She spun around to check out the view of her ass.

“On if you’re planning on breathing or not.”

Fiona crinkled her nose up. “Yeah, you’re right. Not worth having a rib removed to be comfortable.” She turned her back to me and motioned for help unzipping the dress. “Maybe I’m overthinking it,” she said as she slid on a black leather mini-skirt with a white burn-out sweater.

“Meaning?”

She smoothed her hands over the skirt. “Meaning what’s the point of wearing something super tight? I mean that just makes things harder to take off, don’t you think?” She pulled the sweater off.

“You’re a very diplomatic kind of slut, aren’t you?” The words crossed my lips with an I-know-you-well-enough-to-know-I-can-get-away-with-that-comment smile.

Fiona was putting her regular clothes back on. “Hey, I’m totally sympathetic to the guy’s plight. And besides, I don’t give away the milk for free.” She brushed past me exiting the dressing room.

“Only if they’re really thirsty, right?” I quipped.

She glowered at me. “You know, someday that smart mouth of yours is going to get you into trouble, missy.” She waggled a finger at me. Then her face went sour.

“What?” I asked, turning my head behind me to see what she was looking at.

My heart stopped when I saw her. She walked towards us wearing a houndstooth suit. A black, patent leather purse was slung low on her arm. Her hair fresh from the salon—sporting new honey-colored highlights—was blown out to perfection. The heels from her two hundred dollar pumps click-clopped on the hard department store floor as she walked over to us.

Her mauve-colored lips curled up into a polite grin. “Well, Mallory. It’s nice to see you.”

Thankfully, Fiona had her hand in the small of back, and I think that’s what helped support me from falling backwards. “Mrs. Emerson, hi.” The words dripped out slow like honey from my mouth.

She shifted her weight on her expensive heels. Haley’s family was upper-middle class. Haley hadn’t gone without much, but she had stood to gain an absurdly large inheritance when she turned eighteen. That money was split between her parents after she died, and I’d heard that retail therapy was the way Mrs. Emerson learned to cope—or run away from coping—with her daughter’s death.

“How are you doing?” she asked as politely as a receptionist.

I mashed my lips together and took a moment before I responded. “Good, I’m good. How are you?”

I watched as her eyes scanned my body. It was like she was searching for signs of the disease on me. But my disease was much more hidden than Haley’s was. “Fine, thank you.” She took another moment to lock eyes with me. Her pupils began to dilate and overtake the bright blue of her irises. In that moment, I could feel her distaste towards me. I knew that she felt I was somewhat responsible for the death of her daughter. I knew that she thought I should have been the one to save her.

***

It was a week after Haley’s funeral that she’d come to my house. My dad had to escort her over to the couch because she was too drunk to walk over on her own. How the hell she managed to drive to our place without getting in an accident was beyond me.

My dad had retreated to the kitchen to get some water and coffee to try to sober her up. So I was left sitting across from a drunk Mrs. Emerson who looked like she was ready to bite my head off.

“You knew, didn’t you?” she asked, pointing a crooked finger at me. Her words blended together like watercolor paints.

My legs bopped up and down as I sat on the couch across from her and not knowing the right thing to say.

“You two were so close. Too close.” She stood and tumbled over to me. “You knew about it, didn’t you?” Her breath was strong enough to get me hammered.

“Mrs. Emerson—”

“Don’t try to deny it, Mallory,” she said, adding a few extra l’s to the middle of my name as it slurred in her mouth. “If you knew was what going on with her, you could have stopped it. You were closer to her than anyone. You could have stopped her. You could have saved her.” With each sentence, she moved closer to me until I could see the black part of her eyes expanding like a rabid dog. “Why did you let my baby die?!” she shrieked just before she lunged at me.

Mrs. Emerson was on top of me and pinning me down, her brown and gray hair whipping around my face as she floundered on top of me. In one quick movement, she was off of me, and I saw her body dangling from my father’s grip.

“Okay, Barbara, that’s enough. Either you sit and sober up, or I’m calling the cops. Which one will it be?” he barked as he restrained her.

She wriggled in his arms like an alligator being wrestled. “Call the damn cops. What the hell do I care.” Her body continued to contort erratically.

“Have it your way,” my father said before escorting her outside, where he called the police after taking Mrs. Emerson’s car keys away. She was picked up a mile from our house as she attempted to walk herself home.

***

As she stood before me with her hair quaffed and her crow’s feet plumped with injections, I still could see the frenetic woman who pinned me on my couch in the blacks of her eyes.

“Well, I’d better be going,” she said while pulling down on the hem of her suit coat.

She crossed beside us, and the smell of her expensive, synthetic perfume choked me. Fiona put a supportive arm around my shoulder.

“You okay?” she asked.

I put on my bravest face. The kind you put on after you’ve fallen off your new bicycle—the one without training wheels—and your dad is there asking if you’re okay with a look of fear that he’s trying to hide. “Yup, I’m okay.”

But as we left the store and walked to the car, I knew that Haley’s ghost was going to haunt me later that night when the house was still and the walls were quiet. And I didn’t know if I’d be able to fight her off.

That night, I lay in my bed with visions of Mrs. Emerson running through my head. Fiona had gone to bed early with a headache, but I’d been up for hours. Mrs. Emerson’s image was stuck to my brain like caramel to popcorn. The way she looked me up and down, the way her expensive perfume smelled, the way she wished I was dead instead of her daughter. My teeth gnawed at the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood. I had to find a release.

Quieter than the Easter bunny, I tiptoed into the kitchen. No luck: the cupboards were bare. There was no way I’d make it through the night. The itch of anxiety covered me like poison ivy. I slipped on some yoga pants and a t-shirt, and grabbed my purse before heading out into the night.

For fear of Fiona waking up and finding me gone, I only traveled to the pharmacy right up the street. The bright, fluorescent lights illuminated me towards the candy aisle. Even through their wrappers, I could smell the sweet scent of chocolate.

I grabbed ten candy bars and tossed them in my plastic basket. Then, I scurried over to an old, familiar aisle that held the ipecac syrup. An old man in a brown, wrinkled, leather jacket that matched his face was scanning through the irritable bowel products, so I casually strolled by him and pretended I had no idea what I was searching for. Moments later, old wrinkle-face was gone, and I took half a second to snatch a bottle off the shelf. Just looking at the contents in my basket created a wash of complacency over me.

There was no way I could check out with a clerk with so few items. I wondered if there was an eating disorder hotline they could call if they suspected binge-and-purge purchases. Nevertheless, I tossed in a box of tampons and a fashion magazine hoping that would throw them off.

At the register, my hands shook as I handed the clerk—who thankfully was a younger woman who seemed to make sense of my purchases with the half-smile she gave me—my money. After discarding the change in the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny bucket, I walked home clutching the bag to my chest as if it were an infant.

Once I’d managed to get back inside my apartment, I took a moment to survey the kitchen as I wondered where I could stash the goods. Because even though I had to go out and get them, I didn’t want to consume them, not yet anyway. I just needed them to be here. They had to be accessible. They had to be ready for me. The kitchen was no good, so I walked cautiously to the bathroom. After clicking the lock of the doorknob, I focused my attention to the sink, particularly to the cabinet doors under the sink. Fiona never went in there since it was where all the cleaning products were, and Fiona didn’t clean the bathroom—ever.

After removing the tampons and magazine, I folded the bag several times over itself and placed it behind a row of cleaning supplies. I could get through the night knowing that it was there. Somehow, I had the strength to meander back to bed. The itch was gone, and the desire to consume the candy was slowly fading away as I lay down in my bed and my thoughts were no longer tormented by Mrs. Emerson’s face.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I wanted to surprise Devin, especially after the night he’d given me with Amy Parkson and the moonlit lake. It’d been almost perfect. I thought about some of the things he seemed to love: the beach and history. So when I found a beach that also had structures that were from World War I and World War II for soldiers to protect their grounds, I thought it would be the perfect marriage of two things he enjoyed. In my mind, I pictured us exploring the historic structures as we walked along hand in hand with the smell of the sea air in the background. It was a bit of a drive, but I knew it would be totally worth it.

“You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?” he asked for the second time since we had started our drive.

I shook my head. “Nope. A surprise is a surprise. You just sit back and relax.”

He shifted in his seat. “It’s hard to relax in this tiny thing. Could you have gotten a
smaller
car?”

My car was one of those super compact deals. It worked just fine for me, but Devin’s knees were a bit scrunched up, and the top of his head was only an inch or so from the top of the car. “You can adjust the seat,” I suggested.

“Nah, that’s fine. Your car, your adjustments.”

“But I never sit in the passenger side.”

He shrugged. “True, but if I make changes over here, it might alter your peripheral view.” A beat later, he added. “Plus, I’m afraid if I touch one of these buttons, I’ll be ejected from the roof.”

I laughed. “Well then, forget about relaxing and just sit tight. We’ll be there soon.”

“Be where exactly?”

“Be where we’re going,” I said with a wink.

We drove another thirty minutes before I started seeing signs for Fort McKenny. I could see him looking at the signs as well, and I hoped he didn’t already know about the place. That hadn’t crossed my mind before. Since he was into history, maybe he did. Maybe it was all a failed effort. Maybe he’d already been there a bunch of times.

“Where are you taking me, pretty lady?”

I sighed with relief. “Patience, my sweet. Patience.”

We drove a little further down a windy road before coming to a small booth where we had to pay for parking. After paying the ten dollars for the all-day pass, we drove through to a dirt parking lot. When we exited the car, I was hit with the smell of the warm salty air of the ocean. Devin was too, as I heard him take a big inhalation. I saw his eyes catch the sign that directed walkers towards the beach.

“So, the beach and you. I’ve gotta say, you sure know what I like.” His eyes glimmered with excitement.

“I have a picnic basket in the trunk. We can come back for it later,” I said as we crossed over a grassy area to make our way closer to beach.

“Ah, this is an all-day adventure then?”

“If that’s okay.”

He wrapped my body next to his and kissed me softly. “All day with you?” He kissed me again, deeper this time. “I’m pretty sure I’m okay with that.” His hand slid down to the small of my back, and I felt a flutter in my lower body. Damn, everything about his touch was electric.

We walked towards the open rocky beach. The early day cast a low fog out over the water. It was mysterious and beautiful. Boats would appear like ghost ships passing in and out of the fog. Pieces of crab legs and starfish lined the shore where we walked while our shoes squished in the wet sand. Carefully, we explored the rocky parts of the shore, stepping from slippery rocks to dry rocks as we crossed from one beach area to the next.

“It’s so beautiful. I mean, it looks like they should film a movie here or something. The long, rocky beaches, the soft sand.” My breath was taken away at the solitude I felt here. I wanted to stand there forever. With Devin by my side and sea air in my hair.

“Yeah, it’s so wide and expansive. Makes me want to stand here forever.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled. An internal smile warmed my body at Devin saying the same thing I’d been thinking. I loved when that happened. The more time we spent together, the more in sync I felt with him. In a way I’d never felt before. Not with any other guy, or girl even. Not even with Haley or Fiona. Something about Devin just fit with me, and when I relaxed and let myself absorb that feeling, it was like I was floating. I wanted to bottle that feeling to keep it with me always.

“So do we go further or head back the way we came?” he asked.

I knew my surprise was one section away. “We go further,” I said.

We crossed over another rocky area. The low rocks on this section were wet and slippery, and we had to step carefully. After embarking over the terrain, we came to another open section of beach. Devin’s brows furrowed when he saw the large stone structure at the top of the sand line. “What’s that?”

My body was ready to burst with excitement. “That’s what we came to see.” I took the lead, and he followed. We walked up the beach to the mound where the structure sat. We walked on it, climbing up a stone staircase that led to an opening that overlooked the ocean. “This is all from World War One, wait, no I think it’s World War Two. I guess these were like bunkers or something that soldiers camped out in. They’d stay here and watch for the enemy that might be coming at them from the sea.” All the information I’d pulled from the internet now escaped my brain.

Devin walked slowly. His hands were shoved in his pockets, and I had to grab him by his arm to lead him forward. “I guess they used to have their weapons here,” I said as we crossed into another small area. “But they scrapped all that stuff after the war.” We crouched down into a smaller area that had stone cut-outs just big enough to see out of, or position a gun out of, I supposed. “I think there’s a locked area underneath here where they’d take turns sleeping while the other guys were on lookout.” I touched the stone walls. “It’s amazing to think that American soldiers were here. That they touched this stone.” My hands rubbed the rough surface and I imagined a soldier from World War Two having leaned against that same surface while he protected our country.

Devin had moved back towards the opening from which we came. When I saw him exit, I followed after him. “I guess there’s a really big tower just up the hill to the left.” I said looking for the tower. “Oh, there it is. You can climb all the way to the top. You up for it?” I asked but Devin was already walking down and away from me. His pace quickened as he headed back towards the beach. “Devin?” I shouted as I raced to catch up to him. I had to run to meet him at the soft sand. “Hey, is everything okay?” I touched his arm, and he recoiled from me.

“What?” His eyes looked back at the structure we’d just come from.

“Are you okay?” I asked again my voice soft and timid.

He stood staring at the structure. His chest began to rise and fall in rapid succession. His eyes were almost glazed, and he looked completely lost in thought.

“Seriously, are you okay?” A small popping sound came from just beyond us. It sounded like it was from the parking lot above us; like a car having trouble starting up. Then there was a loud bang like a car backfiring, and as soon as the sound hit the air, I felt my body hit the sand. Devin was on top of me pinning me down. His hand covered my mouth and bits of sand mashed into my lips.

“Stay down!” he commanded. “You won’t make it if you’re in their line of fire.” His eyes darted from the sea to the air to the ground.

I kicked my feet underneath him and tried to pull his hand from my mouth but his grip was too strong.

“Stay down!” he shouted again. “Do you want to get yourself killed?!” Then he looked down at me, and in a split second, I saw reality cross his face. His eyes changed from hard steel to sorrowful. He pulled his hand off my mouth, and granules of sand scraped my lips. “What have I done?” He catapulted his body off of me and ran back the way we came.

“Devin, wait!” I yelled as I scurried to get myself up off the ground. He was already at the first rocky impasse when I got myself to standing. I tried to be quick but careful as I navigated the wet rocks. Once I crossed the first rock section and landed on the beach, I saw Devin sprint-walking. He wasn’t that far ahead. From running track in high school—always anchor leg—I knew I could catch up to him. I ran across the last section of beach just as he hit the next rocky wall. He reached the top of the rocks, and I watched his body move out of sight. With effort, I tried to speed up, but the combination of that effort and wet rocks sent my foot sliding down and out from under me.

“Devin!” I shouted as I crashed down on my ass. My ankle was screaming in pain and my stomach turned when I looked at my ankle and saw blood pooling around the wound I’d gotten from a rock’s sharp edge.

“What happened?” Devin’s voice was hard and militant like before as he rushed to my side.

“I…I slipped,” I spat out.

“Damn it!” he shouted. Then he grabbed the bottom of his shirt and tore off a section of it in one quick jerk. He wrapped the cloth around my ankle and tied it tightly around the wound. “Get on my back,” he barked.

“What?” I stammered still dumbfounded over the fact that he just ripped his shirt.

“Now!”

At his commanding yell, I climbed onto his back. “Hold on tight.”

I did as he said, and he quickly and safely navigated the rest of the rocks. He sprinted us down the next beach section and kept going all the way to my car. He sat me in the passenger seat and grabbed my bottled water. I sat silently as he took the bloody cloth off my ankle, washed off the wound with the water, and tore off another chunk of his shirt, which he used to rewrap the wound.

“Keys?” he said, and I handed him my car keys.

He shut my door and came around to the driver’s side. He threw the car into drive, and we were off. We barreled down the road, sending dirt spitting up into the air. I sat frozen and clutched onto the door handle as Devin drove. His body was like solid rock, and his legs and arms were completely crammed up from the seat being too close to the steering wheel for him. Even though he’d never been to Fort McKenny before, he was somehow able to navigate us all the way back to my place. The entire car ride was silent.

After parking, he walked over to the passenger side and opened the door, escorting me out. He wrapped one of my arms around his shoulders and we walked up to my apartment. “Don’t put too much weight on it,” he instructed.

I did as he said. When we got to my place, he opened the door and he brought me over to the couch and helped to lay me down, placing my foot up on a pillow. “Do you have a first aid kit?” he asked.

“In the hall closet, right near the bathroom.” I watched him dart to the bathroom the second the words were out of my mouth.

I tried to keep my heartbeat under control, but I was sure the entire room could hear it. Within thirty seconds, Devin was back with the first aid kit. He opened it and removed some alcohol wipes, bandages, and gauze. He took the cloth wrap off my ankle, and I stayed still and stiff as he cleaned and dressed my wound.

He sat holding my foot in his hands. His touch was gentle. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “Devin?” His name came out like a question, as I felt unsure of who was sitting near me. This wasn’t the guy I’d fallen in love with. This was someone else.

He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

I shifted to sit up closer to him. “Please, Devin.” I put my hand on his arm. “What happened out there?”

“Seriously, Mallory, I
can’t
talk about it,” he said through clenched teeth.

The door opened just as I was about to speak. “Hey, what’s up?” Fiona said as she moved closer to us.

Devin closed the first aid kit, and then he looked at me. His eyes filled with sorrow and confusion. We held each other’s gaze for a moment.

“Guys? What’s up?” Fiona said again.

Devin stood. “Keep an eye on her ankle, okay?” he said to Fiona before holding a kiss on my forehead, and then he left.

When he did, the click of the door closing caused a fissure in my heart.