It's Never Enough: Book 1 in the Never Series (6 page)

“This is pretty much the only ride I go on here,” Devin said as he paid for our tickets. “Are you ready?” he asked when we got to the front of the line.

I’d never been on a Ferris wheel. My dad wasn’t into amusement parks when I was growing up. As I looked up high into the sky and watched the wheel slowly turn as people kicked their legs in the swinging bucket seats, my stomach churned. But then I looked at Devin, whose eyes were bright with excitement like a child on Christmas morning. Instead of running away to find a bucket to vomit into I said, “Totally ready!” with as much anxious enthusiasm as I could.

His eyes shone with amusement as we moved into the passenger car. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it had a big seatbelt, which Devin used to secure us in tightly. My body moved as close as possible to his, and my hands gripped onto the safety bar in front of us. “Here we go,” he said as the wheel started to rotate.

The tinny sound of carnival music was piping all around us as we ascended towards the sky. I wondered if Devin could see how quickly my chest rose and fell, as my breath became short and quick with each slight elevation. But when I looked at him, I saw he was looking towards the sky. His lips curved into a content smile.

I don’t know how long I stared at him when suddenly the car stopped. As I looked around, I realized we were at the dead center of the highest point of the wheel.

“Now this is paradise,” Devin said, waving out to the vast openness around us. The ocean was before us and the sun was beginning to set.

It would have been the most romantic moment I’d ever had if my body hadn’t decided to pick that moment to freak out. My hands began to itch so I removed them from the safety bar and began scratching like crazy. Then I realized I wasn’t holding onto anything and I jetted my hands back to the bar for safety. My legs began to quake and I tried to plant my feet firmer into the bottom of the car in an effort to stop them, but it was no use. My feet were so compressed that they began to get pins and needles.

“I could stay here forever.” Devin breathed out a content sigh before he looked over at me. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He wrapped his arm around me. “Mallory? Is it too high?”

“I’m…just…kind…of…freaking…out…th-that’s all.” I looked out towards the openness that surrounded me and took my breath away, but in a bad way.

Devin gently moved my face so I was looking at him. “Okay listen, I want you to close your eyes.”

“Can’t…too scared.” I didn’t know if the words had even left my body.

“Yes, you can. I’m right here. He took one of my hands off the safety bar and squeezed it tightly. “I want you to close your eyes and know I’m right here.”

I locked eyes with him for a moment, and something about how sure he was made me feel like I could do it. So I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering.

“Good. Okay, so this one time when I was a kid, I was determined to stay up all night and wait for Santa Claus, right? Everybody tries that at least one time in their lives, right?”

“Um-hum,” I said as I squeezed his warm hand.

“Right, so I set up my sleeping bag on the floor near the fireplace. I made sure there was enough room for him to get in and everything, but I was going to be in direct contact with him no matter what. I had a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a big cup of whole milk—my mom made me drink one percent milk, but for Santa, I insisted he needed whole milk. So anyway, I don’t know what time I fell asleep, probably like five minutes after I lay down, but when I woke up in the morning, there were all these sooty boot prints that came from the fireplace, around where I was, all the way to the tree and then back again. You still with me?”

I nodded and released the grip of my teeth from my bottom lip.

“I don’t know what time it was, really early in the morning, but so I go to wake up my mom and show her, right. And when I take her downstairs, she’s pissed at the soot and says to me to go and look at my stocking, that she’ll be back in a minute, and she runs upstairs. Well, I thought she was going to go tell my dad about Santa and the boot prints, so I followed her, and when I get to their room, I hear her yelling at my dad. Asking him how the hell could he track soot all over the house, and he says he did it for the kid. So I’m totally flipping out now because I think my dad is Santa, not pretending to be Santa, but he
is
Santa. Doing okay?”

I nodded again, and the feeling of taking a normal breath slowly returned to my lungs.

“So I go up to him and ask him how long he’s been Santa Claus, and without missing a beat he says, ‘for about a year now, but thanks to your mother, I now know I need to take my boots off when I enter the house.’ And for like the next six years, he signed all my birthday cards, love Dad secret S.C.”

It was one of the sweetest stories I’d ever heard. Part of me wanted to open my eyes, but I was still scared. “Hey lady, you better get off unless you wanna pay to go around again,” a male voice said, and when I opened my eyes I realized we were at the bottom of the wheel.

“No, I think she’s good,” Devin said while helping me stand and exit the car. He wrapped an arm around my waist and escorted me over to a nearby railing. “Everything okay now?” he asked while stroking my back.

I turned to him and said, “You saved me.”

He shrugged. “Not really. But I do need to talk to you about something now though.” His face went serious.

My heart leapt to my throat. “What?” He never wanted to see me again probably. What a freak I was.

“Well I was going to ask you if you wanted to go bungee jumping for our next date, but now I’m thinking that’s out.” A wry smile lit his lips.

I punched him lightly in the stomach then launched my mouth onto his lips. His hands went to my lower back and he pulled my body into his. The only way I’d jump off a cliff would be if it was into his arms, because to me, that felt like the safest place on earth.

CHAPTER SIX

My whole body was drawn to a halt when I saw him standing in front of my apartment door. “Dad? What are you doing here?” The grocery bag in my hand began to slip as my fingers went numb. The last time my dad was at my apartment was the weekend he helped me move in, eight months ago.

“It’s been a week. I’ve called you every day only to get that damn ‘voice mailbox full’ message. You don’t return my texts—hell, maybe I’m sending them wrong—but either way, you don’t return them, and apparently you don’t check your house phone messages either.” He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, which always made him seem bigger and scarier than he really was.

In an effort to appear tough and unfazed, I brushed past him and unlocked the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

He followed me into the apartment and shut the door behind him. “Don’t play this crap with me, kiddo. You can’t avoid me, and you can’t avoid Janet, and you can’t avoid this situation no matter how hard you try.”

Peaches spilled onto the counter where I slammed the bag down. “Why not? Why do I have to be involved in this at all? I mean really, Dad, tell me why it even matters? What does it matter that I’m pissed about the whole thing when you don’t even care?” An apple rolled off the counter and landed by my feet.

“Of course I care. I care a lot about how you feel.”

I raked my hands through my hair. “I don’t mean me, Dad. I mean the baby you’ve made with Janet. The baby that no one seems to care about. The baby that deserves to not have to deal with the insanity that you and Janet are going to perpetrate on it!” I was shouting. I wasn’t even sure why, but I was.

He softened his tone and sat on a stool across from where I stood. “Mallory, honey, I do care about this baby, and Janet and I are
committed
to raising it and seeing this whole thing through. Honestly, it’s a commitment that we’re both on board with.”

“What about the commitment of your marriage?”
Oops
. I could tell by the vein that began to throb in his forehead that I’d overstepped my bounds.

He stood, and I watched him stretch his hands in and out of fists. “I know that you thought Janet was going to be the one. Hell, I did too, and that’s why I married her. But I think the best thing to come out of that marriage is the relationship between you and Fiona. You were meant to be sisters. Isn’t that the takeaway here?”

“You promised.” My bottom lip jetted out. “You promised she’d be the one.” My inner ten-year-old came out again.

He moved over to me, and I squirreled back. “Mallory, I’m so sorry that I promised you that Janet and I would be together forever. That was stupid of me. I wanted that promise to be true. And I’m sorry that I suck at marriage. But I do. I don’t know why, but I do. Janet and I both really thought that it was going to be forever for us. All said and done, we get along great.” He moved closer again, and this time, I let him. “And we’re happy about this baby. I mean even though it wasn’t planned, maybe this was how it was supposed to go.” He put an arm around me. “Come on, tell me you’re not excited about having a little sibling.”

A tiny smile escaped me. “Well, yeah…I just wish—”

“Honey, for now, let’s leave it at that, okay?”

I nodded. He pulled me into a hug, and I let myself relax. Maybe this wasn’t the fairy tale family I’d dreamt of for forever, but it was still family.

***

Devin and I went on the classic Friday night dinner and movie date. Except we reversed it, movie first and then dinner so we could talk about it over the meal. In the theater, we sat in the back row near the exit. Devin said he liked being far away from the screen, but something inside me told me there was another reason. I’d thought maybe he wanted to sit back there so we could make out, but he never made a move. And when I tried to advance on him, he gave me some polite kisses and then returned his attention to the horrible rehashed comedy they were trying to pass off on the screen as new and inventive.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked as Devin sat on the couch at my place after dinner. I’d never been jealous of a couch before, but looking at the way the couch molded around him, I suddenly was.

“Anything’s cool,” he said.

I placed two sodas on the coffee table along with a bag of pretzels. “So, that was some movie,” I said.

“Yeah. Really top notch.” He ran his hand through my hair and brushed the side of my cheek with his fingertips. “They should totally make a sequel.” His mouth moved closer to mine.

“Totally, I’m dying to know if those dudes ever get their car back.” I kept my mouth an inch away from his feeling the warmth of his breath on my lips.

“The car filled with pizzas that they drove into the lake?” He kept his ground; lips not moving a millimeter.

I licked my lips. “Yeah, I mean what a waste. I want to know what happened to all the pizzas. I mean did they get reimbursed for them or what?” My brain fought with my body, and I moved forward just a touch.

“Nothing hotter than pizza.”

“Nothing.” His breath hit my lips again, and a surge ran through me, and I broke the gap and landed on his lips. Immediately, his hands were roaming through my hair, gliding down my neck, stroking my back and teasing my breasts. There was no way to hide my hard nipples. Just like he couldn’t hide his excitement. As I crawled on top of him, pushing him back onto the couch, I could feel all of him pressing against my lower body. His tongue swirled with mine, and he tasted so sweet and warm. His hand squeezed my ass, and I pushed my pelvis into him, and he let out a quiet moan.

Somewhere in the thick fog, I knew I heard the front door, but I couldn’t break myself from his mouth to acknowledge it.

“Hey, no sex on the couch.” Fiona’s voice cut through the air, and I broke free from Devin and his sweetness.

We both sat up innocently, I repositioned my top so my bra was covered. “Oh hey, hi,” I stammered.

“No making whoopee on the couch is one of our roommate agreements.” She smiled her witty, devious smile.

There was a small throw pillow near me so I grabbed it and chucked it at her. “We’re fully clothed!”

“And as I’ve told you before, if you do it that way, you’re doing it wrong.” She winked at me and then turned her attention to Devin. “I’m Fiona, by the way.”

Devin stood up, the bulge in his pants still evident. He extended his hand to Fiona. “Devin. Nice to meet you.”

She stared at his crotch. “You too.”  She let out a cackle. “I’m going to my room now, but remember you two, this is a common area. I don’t want to have to get out a black light and search for remnants of bodily fluids, understood?”

“Go!” I threw another pillow at her.

She tossed it back to me. “The walls have ears,” she sung as she walked away.

I sunk back in the couch and cuddled near Devin. “Sorry. She’s like that. We’re thinking of having her tested.”

Devin chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. She seems cool.”

“She is. She’s a
pain in the ass
,” I yelled out the last part so she could hear me. “But yes, she’s cool.”

Devin popped open his soda. “How long have you guys been roommates?”

“Well, eight months, but we’ve been sisters for three years.” I cracked my own soda.

“You’re sisters? Oh yeah, you mentioned her when we went to breakfast, right?”

My heart fluttered that he actually remembered. I took a satisfying sip of my drink. Making out makes you parched. “Actually, we’re ex-step sisters who happen to be best friends and roommates.”

Devin’s eyebrows crinkled. “Okay, my brain’s a little foggy since I don’t have full blood flow there, but give me a second to process that.”

I gave Devin the quick rundown of my dad’s four marriages and Fiona’s mom’s three. “It was really hard because once they got married and Fiona and I met, we just totally thought that it was all meant to be. We immediately felt like best friends and sisters. We used to joke that we must be related, but we got separated when we were little.” Talking about it always brought back the feelings of sadness from when they separated. Luckily, Fiona and I stuck in spite of our parents.

“What happened with your birth mom?” Devin asked.

I took another sip of my soda. “Well.” I paused for a beat needing another moment before continuing. “She took off when I was seven.”

“As in went out for cigarettes and never came back?”

It actually made me laugh. “Well, not quite. As in left for Vegas to nurture her gambling addiction.”

“Whoa. And do you talk to her at all?” Devin lightly rubbed my back.

“She used to call on Christmas and my birthday. But that stopped when I turned thirteen.” The hole inside me felt like it was expanding. I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to think about her anymore. “What about your parents?”

Devin shifted in his seat. “Well, my mom’s great, and my dad’s a military man. Strict. Orderly. Demanding.” He took a deep breath. “He moved out two years ago. He just couldn’t seem to handle raising another kid. Kyle can be challenging, and without me around to sort of offset things he just, I don’t know, couldn’t handle it. But at least he still has visitation with Kyle and stuff. So. I don’t know. I guess it’s not too bad.”

Part of me wanted to ask more questions, and find out more about his family. But the other part of me knew that talking more about his family meant talking more about mine, and I’d thought enough about that for tonight. Besides, the feeling of Devin’s fingers slowly running up and down my back was clouding my brain. “Do you mind if we talk about something else?”

He leaned into me and kissed the skin just behind my ear. “Or we could not talk for a while.”

It was like he read my mind. I let his mouth overtake mine, and we slipped away into a place where no one could touch us.

***

To distract myself, I’d taken to counting the number of dogs I saw as Fiona drove us to our parent’s house. My preference for that Friday night was to be with Devin, but Fiona insisted that it was best for all parties involved if we went to dinner. Apparently, these “family” dinners were going to become a new thing for us all in an effort to make things more functional in our little dysfunctional group. It was odd. After talking to my dad, I’d come to accept that things weren’t going to be warm and fuzzy, family-wise. It was something I’d wanted since I was little, but hell, I wasn’t little anymore, and it was time to just be happy with the fact that I had family who loved me. That would have to be enough. There would always be a little empty hole inside me, but at least I had people around me who could fill up some of it. Part of me wondered if there was some other reason these dinners were going to occur. Was there more to the story? More than meets the eye? Dirty details yet to come out? Or was it just my brain jumping to obtuse conclusions again?

The warm scent of apple pie filled the air when we entered the house. Apple pie was one of my favorite desserts, which was why I couldn’t have any, and somehow, I thought Janet would have remembered that. The smell sparked a twinge of anxiety in my stomach. “I really don’t feel like doing this tonight,” I whispered to Fiona as we entered the dining room where my dad and her mom were already seated.

“Just relax. We’ll be in and out, and you’ll be in Devin’s arms before you know it.” She squeezed my hand before heading to her seat. “Mom, Jack,” she said before sitting.

“Dad, Janet,” I said flatly while pulling out my chair. There was a bowl of salad already at my place setting, and I exchanged a grateful smile with Janet.

“Girls,” my dad said while plopping a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes on his plate. He handed the bowl to me. “How’s everything?”

I took the bowl from him, inhaled a longing breath of the buttery carb-o-liscious dish, and set it down on the table near Janet. “Everything’s fine. You?”

“Same old, same old. You know how it is when you’re my age. Nothing much ever happens.” He took a swig of his gin and tonic.

How is knocking up your ex-wife same old, same old?
“Dad, you’re not that old.”

“She’s right, Jack. Oh wait a second, I do see the grim reaper looming behind you. You might want to tell him to back off.” Fiona teased as she scarfed down her chicken pot pie.

The banter continued as we stayed on safe topics of discussion. The food, the weather, my dad’s favorite sports teams, the summer. And then, just as I finished my salad and placed a wheat roll and a small spoonful of chicken pot pie on my plate, it happened.

“So, Mallory, have you made a decision about where you’re going this fall?”

Even though I knew what he meant, I played dumb. “I’m going to the mall to get some new sweaters.”

He wiped his mouth with his napkin and dropped it down onto his empty plate. “I mean about school. This is the year you’re going to college, correct? The gap year has come and gone, and per our agreement, this fall is when you start college.” He was putting on the because-I’m-your-father tone.

A quick glance to Fiona let me know that she knew this was going to come up tonight. I tried to bore a hole into her forehead with my gaze, but it didn’t work. And what agreement? We never had any agreement. “Well, Dad, I haven’t narrowed it down yet.”
Lie
.