Jacked (51 page)

We may not have known each other very long, but I knew with absolute certainty that we just fit. Physically. Emotionally. It was beyond want. I needed her.

I slid down and spread her thighs farther apart, needing to keep these incredible sensations sustained. Being inside her like this, fucking her skin on skin, was so much better. Each glide magnified, each internal squeeze and flutter better than the last. I pressed my thumb down on her clit, needing her to come before I did. I could tell she was getting tired and I was getting close; just watching my cock sliding in and out of her was making my balls tighten.

I took her with short, fast strokes, keeping my cock buried as deep as I could go, watching her hair fall over her beautiful face as the orgasm took her breath away. I fucked her with everything I had, slamming up in her with the singular focus to take her to places she’d never been before, prove some point to both of us that she didn’t need to run or worry or fear opening herself up to me. She could relinquish control to me and trust I’d always do right by her.

Always, baby. Always.

Watching Erin unravel was my undoing but I needed to feel every flutter, every internal convulsion to make sure her orgasm was complete before letting go myself. I pulled out just in time, catching most of it between my fingers as I finished stroking off.

A trickle of sweat ran down the side of my cheek while Erin rested her face on mine, steaming up my neck. I tugged her hair, putting her mouth back on mine where it belonged.

But as much as I wanted to just hold her, come down from this incredible ride by kissing her, my right hand and stomach were coated. I needed to clean us up before I made more of a mess.

Worry that she’d been bound too long and might become injured in some way was adding to my restlessness. I kissed her once for good measure and patted her ass, letting her know without saying the words how I was feeling.

“Need you to get up, Doc. Easy. Go slow.”

I helped her off of me without touching her with my sticky hand, hating the frown that marred her post-coital bliss. I kissed her forehead, appreciating her. “Let me clean up quick.” I checked her arms, her wrists and fingers, and then her eyes for any signs of distress. Meeting her physical and emotional needs also made me completely responsible for her care. Rope play was not something to take lightly, and I was already fucking up her aftercare by not being prepared with a towel. I urged her to sit down, holding her steady. “Are you okay like that?”

Erin rolled her shoulders. Strands of hair hung across her face, masking me out. “Yeah.”

I hurried, yanking my boxers up along the way. Untying her was top priority, right after I washed my hand off.

I sat behind her, untying my knots carefully, murmuring soft words of encouragement. As soon as I had her undone, I rubbed over every place my rope had touched her skin. I was gentle but could feel the distance growing between us when she pulled away. I knew she needed time to process our first rope bondage encounter but I couldn’t let her slip too far. It was scaring me.

As soon as she stood to retrieve her discarded skirt, I knew I had to act fast. I tugged the black fabric out of her fingers and snagged the fleece blanket off the back of the couch. She was in my arms within the next breath. I bundled her up and urged her to relax with me, locking her between my body and the back of the couch.

“I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Please don’t withdraw on me.”

A small giggle followed, but her smile was measured and forced and didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I won’t.”

She was far from convincing. Every muscle in my body started preparing for the worst, fighting against the desire to collapse after an amazing session of fucking the shit out of her. But bondage came with rules, ones that I needed to see to immediately, especially since she was coming back into her own headspace. I played with her fingers, needing to keep the connection.

“I need to know something,” I asked, checking her arms again, assuring myself that the rope didn’t mar her skin. She seemed okay but I kissed her softly anyway because
I
needed to. I was physically drawn to her—that was a given. But the emotional pull was becoming just as natural.

“Hmm?”

A little redness remained, but she wasn’t chaffed, thank God. I wanted to see the truth in her eyes. “Why did you think I wouldn’t care to know what’s upsetting you?”

Her mouth curled down, and I lost her gaze to the back of the couch.

“Erin.”

She shrugged. “Most guys don’t. You’ve done so much for me today, I didn’t want to push it. Too much heavy is never a good thing.” She actually looked worried. “It’s a recipe for disaster.”

It was hard not to get pissed off. “Is that what the last guy had you believing?”

“Last guy?” She laughed. “Try every guy.”

Did she actually believe the words coming out of her mouth?
Maybe I should kiss her; derail her from this path.

“Come on, Adam, you can’t honestly tell me that you want to deal with the heavy emotional stuff.”

She shifted, trying to sit up, but I had her pinned. “You serious?”

She looked at me like I was cracked. Maybe I was.

“What is it you think we’re doing here, Doc?”

“I don’t know. Dating? Getting to know one another?”

“And how do you figure we’ll do that? What? You just want to fuck and keep it at that?”

“No, but isn’t that what all men want?”

I wiped a hand down my face. “Christ, Erin.”

“We just started dating. I wasn’t sure we were ready for
things
. I mean you met my entire family at my aunt and uncle’s viewing tonight. Any normal guy would have—”

I tipped her chin back up when she quit talking. “Would have what?”

“Just forget it,” she muttered contritely.

Now she was just testing my sanity. Her sharp inhale told me she was reading me correctly.

“Would have bolted by now.”

“I told you I’m not running, sweetheart.”

“It’s only been a week.”

“You know it’s been longer than that. You make it sound like we just hooked up last night.”

“I know, but—”

“But what?”

“Maybe I’m not ready to mess up a good thing.”

“Don’t
what if
it, Doc.”

“I can’t help it. Let’s just say I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. And we’re just getting to know each other’s moods. Like for instance, do you realize both times you’ve
restrained
me you were mad at me?”

I concentrated on my breathing while the reality of my actions slowly came into focus. She had me again.
Is that the way she’s seen it from her end?
“As much as I like that you call me out on my bullshit, I may have restrained you twice, but your safety has always been my top priority. And it was for both of our benefits. Besides, it beats the alternative.”

Her brow tipped up. “Which is?”

I untangled the thin, gold necklace pinched around her neck, slipping it away from her throat. “Not giving a shit. Would you rather have it that way?”

Her chin dipped. “No.”

“Good, ’cause I dealt with that crap before and I want no part of it. Not with you.” I leaned into her hand when she cupped my face. “Both times it effectively sorted our shit right out and—”

“And built trust?”

“You’re catching on.” I smiled.

“It’s not something I’m quick to give.”

“Me neither. But know this. When I want answers, I get them anyway I can. You challenge me. I challenge you. You’ll piss me off, and I’ll aggravate the shit out of you. I’m pretty sure that’s how this all works.”

I felt her soft giggle settle my worry; her smile warmed me right into my bones. I looked into her beautifully expressive eyes.

“Erin, I’ve never used Shibari quite like this before. But I know its power… ability… to enable your mind and your emotions to open up. This wasn’t just for you; it was for both of us. I want that with you.”

I kissed her arm when she reached to run her fingers through my hair. It was then, when she was gazing at me with all those things unsaid, enjoying the comfort and reassurance of her affection, when I realized how easy it was to breathe.

“I want that, too.” Her eyes searched mine. “But I don’t know how things are supposed to work.”

“Guess we’ll just have to figure that out as we go.”

“I take it you like me then.”

The way her breath hitched around her nervous laugh was adorable. I had to remind myself that this was new to both of us, but for now, I couldn’t keep my lips off her. Just the sweet scent of her hair alone had become something I craved. Her neck was equally as enticing.

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

Her fingers wove into my hair. “It’s still nice to hear.”

The way her eyes lit up and sparkled when I looked at her made showing my hand worth it, though I still enjoyed toying with her. “I’d rather show you.”

She smiled back at me. “Just sayin’?”

I’d have to save telling her I’d already fallen for another day. “Just sayin’.”

GRAY SKIES HOVERED
above us from the moment we woke, setting the tone for a very heavy, somber day. My shoulder pulled a little from the weight when we lifted the casket containing Erin’s uncle and the cremated remains of her aunt, but I bore it.

It wasn’t a burden, it was my atonement; my way of making some sort of amends for this senseless tragedy. So was enduring the cold bite of metal on my right hand from the lifting bars on the gleaming black casket. I considered wearing gloves but decided against anything that might give me comfort while I served my penance.

Erin and her parents had been surprised at first, but when the funeral director asked for pallbearers this morning I immediately volunteered. It was the least that I could do, not just for Erin, but for me, too. I needed to do this.

I would rather have been holding on to Erin, but each time I carried her uncle’s remains, I couldn’t even look at her. I’d allow myself glimpses to know her condition and to assure myself that she was okay, but I couldn’t meet her eyes. The once vibrant blue that gazed into mine last night when I held her in my arms were now red and sullen from sadness. While I was doing my duty, Erin was consoling her sister, Kate, and her mother, Christine.

No one from my unit was here, not that I would expect any of them to show. A sliver of angered disappointment rippled through me. None of the men that screwed up that night and caused these two innocent and greatly loved people to meet an early death were here to say they were sorry.

I’d carry that weight, too.

I wasn’t directly responsible. I didn’t cause this, but I was part of a series of actions and events that made it happen, and for that, I needed reparation. I had held Erin’s hand during the entire church service, seeking my own forgiveness.

As far as I could tell, none of the family knew the full circumstances of the night of the fatal wreck. We had ended our pursuit of the stolen vehicle because of the dangers and rising risk to civilians. Our field supervisor called all units to stand down.

Despite our efforts, our worst fear happened anyway.

As I helped carry the casket to its final resting place at the cemetery, I resolved that the truth would be a secret I’d take to my own grave. Not only could it put my unit in a compromising position legally, it would drive an iron wedge between Erin and me and I couldn’t let that happen. Whenever I held her, whenever I felt her lips on mine, I could see her being a part of my future and my inner selfishness coveted that.

The sun had finally broken free from its cloud cover, warming the dismal gray and muddled piles of leftover snow with its golden rays. I’d been raised to believe in God and Heaven and maybe it was just me, but I was taking the shining sun as a sign. We walked in step down a pathway that had been cut through the snow; the remaining ice crunching under our feet the only sounds breaking the solemn silence.

Erin’s mother let out a sob when we set the casket on the straps that would lower it into the ground, causing my chest to ache all over again. She was sitting in one of the folding chairs graveside next to Erin’s cousins.

I felt their pain.

I put my arms around Erin the first chance I got. She’d been stoic all morning—a rock for her mother, a pillar of strength for her distraught father. I was proud and worried at the same time.

Erin’s arms slid around my waist and her face rested on my chest while the priest and the words of his final sermon about Heaven and greener pastures made the entire moment almost unbearable.

I placed a kiss on Erin’s head, wishing my growing love for her could ease the turmoil I knew was brewing in her mind and heart. I could sense it, feel it in the way her hands were curling into my clothes.

Her body trembled, her breaths ragged and hitched.

I held her tighter.

I would be
her
rock.