Jamaica Dreaming (Caribbean Heat) (15 page)

A little amused smile showed he knew the effect his bare torso was having on her. “I asked if you wanted to take a walk around the island. If we go slowly, we can probably stretch it out for half an hour.” His smile widened. Julissa glanced at where he had spread the picnic blanket under a low tree with flat, round leaves like the ones she’d seen at Hellshire. The ice bucket was propped up against the tree trunk. His clothes were folded neatly on a corner of the blanket while the hamper rested diagonally opposite.

“Will they be safe?” Julissa asked, more for something to say than because she really thought there might be thieves or hungry animals capable of opening the basket on the island.

“There’s nothing and nobody here but us,” Sebastian assured her. “If we’d come yesterday or, even earlier today, it might have been different but there are other islands or cays easier to get to. You can even go naked, if you like.”

He didn’t look at her as he said it and Julissa felt a sudden stab of suspicion. Was that what he did, Mr. Handsome–As–Hell, Sebastian Chung? Bring his women to this heart–meltingly–beautiful tiny island to seduce them out of their clothes? Not that she thought he’d have any trouble in that department. No, she admitted sourly, Sebastian wouldn’t have to go to much trouble at all to get any woman between 18 and 89 out of her clothes. Only a blind woman might have a chance to resist him. And she, Julissa Morgan, had perfect 20/20 vision.

“No,” she said, but too breathily for her taste. “I’d prefer to keep my clothes on. All of them.”

Disappointment and something else flashed across his face before he adopted a bland expression.

“As you wish. Come, let’s walk.” He held out his hand to her and what could Julissa do but put hers in his, though heat flared through her. “We can work up an appetite before we eat.”

“Good idea.”

Sebastian was right. It
did
take them about thirty minutes to walk around the cay, but only because Julissa stopped frequently to investigate shells and pieces of coral. She would let go of his hand to pick them up, but he’d always take possession of it again and Julissa couldn’t deny how much she liked holding hands with him. Whenever she pulled away to pick up something she could still feel the pressure of his palm against hers and of his fingers wrapped around hers. Not having her hand in his quickly grew to feel strange and, when they were almost back where they’d started and she saw a sea fan in the shallows, she made no move to pick it up.

This, surely
this
, was not cheating. No one could fault her for holding hands, not when she was denying herself so much more.

Had she and Earle ever held hands like this? She couldn’t remember every single second of their relationship, The Event had robbed her of that, but she had no memory of them doing anything so sweetly simple. They never had the time, at least, that’s what Earle would have said. He couldn’t blame her then if she did it with somebody else. Not if that was all she did. Feeling defiant but at the same time happier than in a very long time she swung Sebastian’s hand back and forth like a child.

“Enjoying yourself?” he asked.

“Very.”

“I’m glad, Julissa. Sometimes…” He stopped as if he’d had second thoughts about what he’d been going to say.

“Yes?” she prompted, curious.

“Sometimes you look so sad.”

“I do?” She wasn’t sad. He was reading her wrong.

“Yes. When you’re happy, like right now, it’s like you’ve got a candle inside you, warm and bright but, when you’re sad, the candle dims.”

Maybe he was misreading her anxiety about having a panic attack as sadness. She opened her mouth to tell him about this after–effect of The Event but closed it again. Only her family and her closest friends knew. If her secret got out, it could derail her singing career. And then she looked at Sebastian’s handsome face and saw the gentleness and kindness shining from his eyes and threw caution to the winds.

“I have something to tell you,” she said as they made their way up from the sand to the tree where he’d laid out their things.

Sebastian sank to the blanket and then drew her down in front of him so that she rested between his knees. He wrapped his sinewy corded arms around her and pulled her back against his hard chest.

“You know, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” he whispered into her ear.

“I know.” She leaned against him, feeling his heat pour into her as he crossed his legs under her knees. Julissa stared at his long, well–formed toes and tried to gather her courage. “Well, you already know about The Event.”

“Yes.”

He waited, and Julissa got the sense he was holding his breath, not knowing what she was going to say next and not wanting to say the wrong thing, himself.

“It was bad but, in a way, what’s come after has been worse.” She stopped again. Her breathing had quickened and she felt slightly giddy. No, she prayed, please don’t let me get one now. “I get panic attacks. Sometimes, two or three a week. Sometimes, they’re so bad, I pass out.” She was speaking quickly, trying to get the words out in case one hit. “I can’t breathe and then I feel like the walls are closing in on me, like I’m going to die or be swallowed up by the earth.” An ant crawled over her foot and she brushed it gently off. It scurried away over the sand. “That’s why it took me so long to start singing again after my body healed. I hate the idea of having an attack when I’m on stage, of people seeing me like that.”

“And that’s what your sadness stems from?” His low voice in her ear made her want to throw herself around, to kiss him and be kissed.

“I’m not sure it’s sadness. I don’t really feel sad.” Did she? She didn’t think so. Yes, she’d had a bad accident but, with the grace of God and the support of her family and friends, she’d pulled through. She was alive. What did she have to be sad about? Yes, her life had changed,
she
had changed, and she had the scars to prove it, but she’d survived.

“There’s something else.” She pressed herself against his chest. How solid he felt! Earle had never held her like this, either. Never made a cradle of his body to hold her. Julissa gave herself a mental shake. It wasn’t fair, this constant comparison of Earle, a man she’d known and loved for years, with Sebastian, somebody she’d known for less than a week. Earle had stuck with her through thick and thin, been her biggest cheerleader when her musical career was soaring, and her constant companion in the hospital. Would Sebastian have done as much?

When Rita Colville, an older Chicago blues–woman, was diagnosed with cancer five years ago, her husband had moved out of the house. He said he just couldn’t bear to watch her deterioration. Rita had divorced him on what everybody thought was her deathbed but then, miracle of miracles, she’d rallied and beaten back the cancer. Thomas, her ex–husband, tried to beg his way back into her life but, instead, she’d married her recently widowed oncologist and claimed to be happier than ever. The episode had taught Julissa that some men just weren’t built to hold up their women when something serious came down the pike. “Fair weather men,” Deej called them. Earle had proven he wasn’t one of those. Deep down, Julissa knew Sebastian wasn’t one of those, either.

“I’ve got terrible scars.” She was glad she had her back to him and couldn’t see his eyes or his expression. “On my side where my ribs were broken, and down along the inside of my thigh where I had multiple fractures. I’ve got a metal splint in my femur to replace the parts of the bone I lost.”

“That’s why you walk with a slight limp.”

“Yes, sometimes it aches a bit. When I’ve been standing too long, or walked too far.” Her parents had told her it was hardly noticeable but she knew they’d just been trying to make her feel good.

“I don’t think most people would catch it, you have this sway to your walk that helps disguise it.”

“I do?”

“Yes. It’s very sexy.”

He placed his hands on her shoulder and shifted himself so he could look into her eyes. Julissa wanted to look away, to do anything but meet his gaze, and see the desire shining there.

“I want to kiss you.”

The huskily murmured words tightened her nipples and sent a flame of unbridled lust surging through her.

“No.” Her gaze dropped to his lightly parted lips. “No,” she whispered. “I can’t.”

But then his lips were on hers and Julissa ceased to think. Her insides dissolved and the world fell away. All she knew was the smell and feel and sound of him, like a song beneath her blood. He kissed her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids. Hard kisses like a hundred hot brands, setting her on fire. His arousal pressed against her hip and she burned to fling herself on him and satisfy her lust.

“Take off your clothes,” he murmured.

She wanted to, she wanted to more than anything else in the world at that moment. “No, I can’t.”

“Please. Can’t you feel how much I want you?”

She could and that was a problem because she wanted him even more. “I can’t, Sebastian.” She pulled herself out of his arms and lurched over to the other side of the blanket. “I can’t. Don’t you understand?”

“You want me. I know you do,” he said.

Julissa’s breathing grew ragged. She felt as if she were being torn in two. Half of her wanted to do as he asked but the other half wanted to know where her self–respect had flown.

Sebastian dug his hands into the sand as if to stop himself from reaching for her again.

“Your fiancé doesn’t have to know. I swear I won’t tell him, or anybody else, Julissa.” He looked so wretched Julissa wanted to cry.

“If I cheated on Earle, I’d have to tell him. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I was keeping a secret like that from him.”
And, if all you’ll ever be to me is a secret affair, then I can’t bear to have you see my scars. I can bear your passion, your desire, but never your pity
. “Please. Try to understand, Sebastian.”

Sebastian took a few deep shuddering breaths, his gaze not on her, but on the horizon. Julissa watched him apprehensively, her mind awhirl with a mix of emotions. She wanted to tell him again how sorry she was, sorry on her own behalf even more than on his, because she
did
want him, she wanted him so much she was crying inside but she had to do the right thing and keep the faith with Earle. This fever in her blood that made her want to throw herself at Sebastian would dissipate with time and distance. It wasn’t natural and it wasn’t right. The very strength of it carried a warning. A desire as hot and fiery as this couldn’t possibly last. Instead, it would sweep through her and move on, leaving only the taste of ashes in her mouth.

Sebastian rose gracefully to his feet. Julissa looked up at him and flinched at the hardness of his face.

“I’m sorry, Julissa.”

“What?” She didn’t think she’d heard him properly. What did he have to be sorry for?

“You made your wishes very clear to me the other night and I chose to ignore them.” Julissa felt she could almost see the icicles hanging on each word. “I’ll not make that mistake again.”

“Sebastian.” Julissa didn’t know exactly what she was going to say but it didn’t matter anyway because he turned and strode into the sea without waiting to find out. She wrapped her arms around herself and watched him do a slow breaststroke across the bay. She’d spoiled everything. This man who looked like some kind of Adonis had put himself out to show her a good time after going to great lengths to get her to Jamaica. He wanted her. He’d waited more than a year to meet her, he’d introduced her to his children, and he’d put himself at her disposal whenever he could.

Julissa remembered the feel of his hardness against her and her cheeks warmed. Yes, it was very clear he wanted her. But he wanted a relationship, too. That was also clear. Everything in her strained toward him but she couldn’t give him what he wanted. Perhaps she should leave the island. Just cancel the other two concerts and leave. She wouldn’t be able to refund him all of his money but, if he agreed to monthly installments, he’d get back what she’d been paid so far, including the cost of her hotel and her meals. Julissa squirmed uneasily. Strawberry Hill wasn’t cheap. What with the medical costs her insurance hadn’t covered, she’d probably be in hock to him for several years. She pulled the picnic basket toward her. A bar of Lindt chocolate caught her eye and she tore open the wrapper. No woman had ever needed the comfort of good chocolate more than she did at that moment.

After a few minutes, Sebastian reappeared, slicing through the clear blue water as if it were his second home. Julissa’s heart skipped a beat as he walked out of the sea, drops of water glistening on his golden skin. She tore her eyes away and fumbled with the picnic basket.

“Would you like something to eat?” she asked, her voice sounding high and brittle in her ears.

“In a minute, thanks.” He grabbed a towel and dried himself then dropped down on the blanket. “Julissa.”

“Sebastian,” she interrupted before he could continue. “I’ll go. We can cancel the concerts and I’ll pay you back.” She strove to keep her voice from breaking. If she left, she would probably never see him again. Her heart would break a little each time she remembered him but she would do her best to put him out of her mind. In time, the pain would ease. “I’ll repay the hotel and everything, too.”