Jay Walking (16 page)

I tell him to go ahead, and he rushes over to the swings and hops up and down waiting for someone to pick him up and put him on. When Daniel doesn't go over right away, I begin to but then he stops me. "I can handle this," he says.
 

At first, I want to push him out of the way and remind him James is
my
son, but then I remember James is his son, too. I'm not the only parent. Daniel forgot about him in the past, but now he's making an effort. That should count for something.

Daniel is careful in his approach to James, who is still jumping and shouting "Swing, Mommy! Swing!"
 

Daniel comes up to him. "Is it okay if I pick you up and put you on the swing?"

James stops bouncing and stares at him and then looks over at me. I nod, so he returns the nod to his dad.
 

His dad.
My heart shreds into pieces as Daniel picks up James and sets him in the toddler swing. I waited years for this moment, but now I'm hurting as I witness a potential relationship between them develop. I don't want to share James. He belongs to me and it's unfair to let Daniel swoop in and claim fatherhood if he hasn't been around the past few years. Hope crashes into me, and I'm cautiously happy as James plays with his father, someone he has been denied for so long. I'm not at fault for him never seeing his father. Daniel brought that upon himself, but now, well, now I can control it.

Daniel pulls the swing back, but not too far, and lets go. James smiles and laughs as the breeze blows back in his hair. Daniel's face flinches, and I'm pretty sure it's in admiration. Watching him in awe of his son, I think he realizes what he's lost. All these years he missed out on a million laughs and smiles and giggles. He also avoided the tears, sleepless nights, and worry. But, he's here now.

He swings James back and forth until I can tell his arms are getting tired. "James, honey, why don't you go on the slides?"

"Da-yul swing me! Da-yul swing me!"

Daniel smiles back at me, his face full of pride and as though he's telling me he told me so, but I don't care. James is happy, and that's what I want more than anything. "James, I love to play on the slides. Should we slide down together?"

"Yeah!" He throws his arms in the air, making Daniel laugh.

I concentrate on him with my son,
our
son, and memories of us together invade my mind. We never left the bedroom, but even the times we didn't have sex were fun. We used to play card games, eat pizza, and talk the night away. Until he needed to return home to Lauren. Now, though, they aren't together anymore. Daniel is single. Completely single. I'm also single. Jay gave me a big F off and sent me on my way.
 

"Do you like Daniel, James?" I ask as they race over to the slides.

"Da-yul fun!" He yells at the top of his lungs. He pumps his little legs as fast as he can.

I laugh. "That's great you like him so much!"

Daniel looks at me and smiles, too. Then he gives me a thumbs up. Both of them are enjoying their time together and getting along. I mean, how hard is it to get along with a two-year-old anyway, but still. I join them by the slides.

"Is it okay if I play too?" I ask Daniel. I want his permission as this is technically his time with James. I don't want to barge in and overtake the situation, but, at the same time, I'm starting to feel left out of all the fun.
 

"Of course," Daniel invites me in.

For the next hour, we race each other down the slides and take turns helping James cross the monkey bars. James pretends to be a pirate on the bridge. When it's time for lunch, I invite Daniel to join us.

"I can give you half my sandwich," I suggest because I only brought enough for me and James.

"That sounds wonderful."

For a half hour, we eat our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chips, while Daniel quizzes James on his favorite things. I translate some of it, but most he actually picks up. When we finish eating, James crawls onto my lap and lays his head on my shoulder. "He usually naps around this time, and I'm sure he's worn out from all that playing."

"I think he had a good time, don't you?"

The answer is yes, but I'm afraid admitting it will put some sort of finality in the fact Daniel is here now, taking a presence in James's world. "I think so. Did you?"

"Yes. Thank you so much for setting this up. I'm sorry I filed custody papers, but this is important to me."

I glance at James, asleep in my arms. "Why, Daniel? Tell me why you stayed with Lauren while with me, and why you left when I got pregnant. I need answers. I wonder every single day of my life what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Chelsea. I was a different person back then."

"And you're different now?"

"Yes. After Lauren and I got married, and the twins were born, I changed my ways. I love those little guys so much and I want to be a good role model. I have a daughter now. I'm so sorry I ever treated you the way I did. You didn't deserve it. Neither did Lauren. I came clean to her, and that's why she left."

Wow. "So she knows about James?"

"Yes, and she left. She can't get over the fact I lied and have another child."

"Does she know who I am?"

"Yes, she does. Don't worry, though. She's not going to come after you or anything."

I didn't even think about that. "Why didn't
we
stay together? Why Lauren and not me?"

He picks at the grass as he shrugs. "I was dumb. I loved that we had sex and I didn't worry about the relationship type things. I saved those for Lauren. She nagged on me all the time. I didn't want that with two people."

"Yeah, but you didn't need to be with us at the same time. Why her instead of me?"

"I wish I had an answer for you. Lauren and I were together a long time. Our relationship was familiar. I didn't want to start over. But now, if we try things again, we can be a real couple. We can go out as a family, the three of us, and be together how we should have all those years."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Daniel."

"But if we're together, Chelsea, not only can we be a family, but I can drop the lawsuit and be with you and James all the time. Like I said, one big happy family."

The things he's saying make sense to me. I mean, we'll be a family unit, and my dad can stop worrying about all the legal stuff. I miss Jay, but he's not coming back, and Daniel is the father of my child. I should give him a fair shot, right?

"I don't know."

"Let me prove to you how incredible we can be together, Chelsea."

He stares at me with those eyes, and they're pleading. I think of James lying in my arms and breathe in his baby hair. I owe him a real family. "Let's do it."

I tell Daniel I'll talk with my parents before he comes over to visit James. Even though the relationship is my decision, I want them to be aware. It's the respectful thing to do. He asked to move in, but that's too extreme for me. I'm willing to try things for a bit, but not take such a huge step forward. I don't want any of his stuff in this house until he's divorced.
 

I wait until after work the next day to approach the situation. When I arrive home, James is napping. It's a late nap for him, but my mom had a busy day with him. I hope this doesn't mean he won't sleep tonight.

"Dad, um, can I speak with you and Mom for a minute?"

He's sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and eating peanuts. "I guess," he says to me with an awkward stare. It's been a couple days since we exchanged more than just a few "Excuse me's" or "Pass the potatoes." The last thing he wants to do is talk to me, and once he hears what I have to say, he'll be even more upset than he already is. I'm optimistic I can get him to see the positive side of everything. Or, at least, what I consider to be the good part.

"Mom!" I call to the other room. "Can you please come in here for a second?" She joins us at the table, and I put everything out there for them. "Yesterday I took James to meet his father."

"You didn't." My mom's voice is soft and filled with concern. My dad doesn't respond, but his cheeks redden and I can tell he's pissed.
 

"I'm sorry, but the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that denying James is his father isn't fair, even if I don't like how things turned out with him."
 

"You shouldn't fraternize with the enemy. He will only use this against you when it comes time to decide James' visitation and how much he can see him." My dad grabs a handful of peanuts and shoves them in his mouth.

"That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you guys about. Daniel and I talked a lot during lunch while James napped, and he's no longer pursuing formal custody arrangements."
 

"That's the best news ever!" my mom exclaims, jumping up from her chair. "Aren't you excited honey?" She claps her hands together and covers her mouth, but I can still spot the curve of a smile.

My dad motions for her to sit back down. "There's a catch."
 

"A catch?" She questions him. "I'm sure they discussed this like adults and made a decision on what's best for their child."
 

He shakes his head at her and glares at me. He knows me too well.

"The thing is, well, the thing is that we talked about it and we think we're going to give our relationship a serious chance and try to be a family."
 

"Are you kidding me?" My dad shouts. I remind him James is sleeping and not to wake him. "This guy is currently married.
Married
! Why in the hell would you even entertain the idea of a relationship with this jackass who left you while you were pregnant with his son?"

"I understand you're upset, Dad, but I think James deserves a chance at a real family."
 

"His real family is here with us."
 

"But he doesn't have a father."

"I'm close enough to one and Daniel is hardly a father." The bowl of peanuts startles me as my dad shoves them away, causing them to spin in circles.

"He's changed and he's a wonderful dad to his other children." I can't say for sure this is true. I'm only guessing, or rather, hoping.

"You mean the kids he has with his current wife, and the ones he cared to be involved with their life from their birth? Are you talking about those kids?"

"Please, calm down, Dad."
 

"I will not calm down in my own home while you destroy your son's life."
 

I blink away tears at the words spewing from my dad's mouth. I realize I'm to blame for most of what's happened, but throwing it in my face doesn't solve anything.

"Sweetheart, she's not destroying his life. We've never met Daniel, and if we give him an opportunity, he can prove himself and be the father James truly needs in his life. You're an amazing grandfather to him, but it's not the same as having a father."
 

"You guys will get plenty chances to get to know him. He'll come visit often and probably stay for dinner sometimes."
 

"What?" my dad screams as his lip quivers. He slams his hand on the table and stands up. "That son of a bitch will not step foot in this house!"
 

"Dad, if we're going to give this an honest try, he's going to come here. A lot. If you don't agree with it, then maybe me and James shouldn't live here."

Every vein in my body is pulsating rapidly, and I'm sure at any moment my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I've never yelled at my father like this before. In all my years, even as a teen, I can't recall a time I mouthed off to him. However, I need this and James needs this as well. I pity anyone who stands between me and my son's happiness.

My dad's eyes are cold, and I can tell he's trying his best to relax. He shoves the chair under the table and warns me before bolting out of the room. "Fine. But if he crosses me
one
time, I'll beat the living shit out of him."
 

Harsh, but I understand why he says this and his reaction. I can't imagine anyone causing James harm, and he knows how much Daniel scarred me. Now, the potential exists to hurt both of us. My dad leaves the room as he exchanges troubled glances with my mom. "We'll see how things go. If things work out, eventually we'll get a place together."

"You do what you need to do, Chelsea. I just hope you're doing the right thing."

"I don't know if I am, but I should try, Mom. I'll go every day wondering if I threw away our chance as a family."

"I get it. I do. Though, I wish you would think about this more and talk with us before making such a decision."

"I'm a grown woman." I'm tired of being treated like a child. I have my own child and can make decisions on my own.
 

"And you're living under our roof. We don't want either of you to get hurt."

"Well, if we do, it's on me."

"Don't forget that, dear," she says as she stands, walks over to me and kisses the top of my head. "Your choice, your heart, but James' too."

I can't help but wonder if bringing Daniel in will break his heart eventually; but, I realize never trying will do the same.

•••

My parents keep James busy when Daniel comes over for the first time. We eat lunch first and chat mostly about James. I catch him up on the past few years and the milestones he's missed. He tells me a little bit about his other kids, but I change the subject. I want to focus on us. One day I'll hear more about them, and I'm sure eventually meet them, but right now, I can't.
 

James naps at around two, and it's already one, so we should move things along. I planned this around his nap on purpose. Meeting his dad for the first time officially is a big deal, and the snooze after will be good. I get him from my parents and bring him back up to my place.

I sit James on my lap as Daniel sits across from us. He lays his head against my chest. "Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something. Do you remember Daniel?"

He hugs me tighter. I think he remembers him but can't know for sure. That's the thing about this age - communication can be challenging. He's gotten frustrated plenty of times when I couldn't figure out what he's wanted.