Je Suis a Toi (Monsters in the Dark Book 4) (14 page)

“I’m sorry for—”

“For not sharing this with me? Don’t you think this should’ve been discussed when you first started feeling this way? What on earth were you thinking, Q? How
dare
you tamper with my medical appointment!”

Served me right for using the doctor Q vetted and approved. Client confidentiality, my ass. Ugh, I felt so betrayed.

Q didn’t let me go, waiting for my temper to blow itself out. However, my mind filled with other complications. Worse complications. I stiffened as realisation kicked into me.

Q understood where my thoughts had gone. His shoulders slouched. “Now, do you get it?”

No, I didn’t get it. But I had a lot more questions trying to understand.

I hugged myself. “If what you said is true, and I’ve been off contraception for two months…why haven’t I become pregnant?”

His eyes glowed with agony, moving away from me.

It was my turn to chase him. “We’ve had a lot of sex since then, Q, with no protection. If it were going to happen, it would’ve happened by now.”

At least…I think?

How long did it take the chemical hormones to leave my system? Was my cycle capable of conception or screwed after using contraception for so long? And if it wasn’t, what did that mean? Was it just a time thing or was it something a lot, lot worse.

My heart squeezed as Q shook his head, his face tight and hard. I’d gone straight to the crux of his pain. The issue he’d been dealing with alone without talking to me.

He stormed away, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That’s what’s been fucking with my head.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…what if our lifestyle—the way we have sex—means you can’t get pregnant? What if when I hurt you, your body refuses my cum because it’s nature’s way of preventing life from entering a world that’s so violent.”

“What? That’s insane.” I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes. “That’s the most stupidest—”

Slamming to a stop, he grabbed me. “It’s not stupid. It’s fucking karma.” His fingers dug into my arms far tighter than required. “I’ve killed so many. I’ve hurt others. Been a fucking animal.” He sneered at his hold. “See, I can’t even hold you without wanting to hurt you. What sort of home is that for a kid to be born into? It’s my fault you can’t get pregnant. I’m the one who whips you and does god-awful shit to you. This is my punishment for loving you so goddamn much but unable to give you everything you want because I take so much from you. I’m being punished because of the fucked-up part of me I can’t control.”

I buckled beneath his pain even as a disbelieving laugh fell from my lips. “Oh, my God. You’ve lost it. You’re afraid of what you’ll do to your children because of what we do together? I’ll tell you what you’d do. You’d dote upon them, Q. You’d be the best, protective father who only had their well-being in mind. You’re one of the most selflessly kind people I know—”

“You don’t know the urges I fight every day, Tess.”

“No, and you don’t know mine. If you did, there is no way you could believe such filth.”

We breathed hard, glowering at each other. I wanted to hit him; to try and strike some sense into that thick skull. Instead, I did my best to keep my temper in check.

Inhaling deeply, I whispered, “You have to stop torturing yourself. All of that is ludicrous. You’re insane to believe that.”

“Don’t deny that I’m not a good person, Tess. The things I’ve done—”

I bared my teeth. “Whatever badness lives inside you, Q, is far outweighed by the good. And if you’re blaming yourself based on our choice to add pain to our pleasure, stop that right now. I ask for that. I
live
for that. I love you
because
of that.”

He shook his head. “That wasn’t what I meant, and you know it.”

I hated to see him so tortured. “If you’re saying I want a child… then yes, I do. I love the thought of a son who looks like you. But I also don’t cry myself to sleep at night thinking I’ll never be complete without one. I
am
complete.
You
make me complete.” My hand landed on his chest, his wild heartbeats drumming in my fingertips. “Don’t destroy yourself with those thoughts. What we have together—the violent love we share—it isn’t just you who indulges. I’m a full participant. Besides, that isn’t the reason why we aren’t getting pregnant—”

“Oh? Why else would it fucking be? Am I sterile then? Am I the one to blame for that, too?”

“No!” My heart matched his as I cupped his cheek. “You’re never to blame. Never, do you hear me? You said it yourself, it’s only been two months. That’s nothing in the scheme of things. We’ll get tested…find out why and go from there.”

He lied to me for two months. He’d been living with these nonsensical thoughts, falling deeper and deeper into their falsehoods.

I wish he’d talked to me sooner. Perhaps then he wouldn’t be such a foolish man believing in preposterous notions that he was the one to blame because of his desires.

How anyone could think that was beyond me. But this was Q. He’d sent me back to Brax because of the same reason. The reason hidden beneath his self-hatred, doubts, and guilt.

That he’ll never be pure enough to deserve me, our love…a family.

“Tests?” He reared back. “No.”

The thought of doctors prodding and invasive examinations wasn’t something I was keen to do, but if he wanted a family as much as he said he did, then that was what had to happen.

Something switched in him, shedding the fight and becoming sharp with conviction. His face contorted, his drunken haze granting fake lucidity. “I have a better idea.”

“Oh?”

“All our years together, we’ve given into the inner-most urges. When we fuck, it’s intense and almost life threatening with how deep we go. Your body is too focused on staying alive to let the natural progression of whatever it is that makes you pregnant.”  He grabbed me by the back of the nape. “I want to try something different. I want to make love to you, Tess.”

What is he talking about?

“You do. Every time we’re together.”
Doesn’t he know that love drenches his every touch?
“You
do
make love to me, Q.”

He chuckled. “No, I make war with you. I fuck you. I adore you. I ruin you. For too long I’ve been weak, thinking I couldn’t change who I was. I need to pay a toll or find redemption…
something
to make me a better person.”

Ugh, I can’t get through to him like this.

I was stubborn. But Q was a concrete wall. If he believed these daft ideas, it would take days, possibly weeks to refute them and change his mind. However, it was possible. I’d done it before when I returned to him. I would do it again.

My heart galloped around my ribcage. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. None of that makes sense. You’re being absurd.”

“Absurd?” His face blackened. “You think I’m absurd when I share my innermost fears? That it’s okay to roll your eyes and laugh at me? Fuck, Tess. I can’t rationalize the way I feel. I know how moronic it sounds. But I need to do this. I have to try. Otherwise, I’ll hate myself more than I already do.”

I sucked in a breath. “You don’t mean that.”

“Je déteste ne pas être un homme meilleur. Oui.”
I hate that I’m not a better man. Yes.

“Take that back, Q.”

He sighed heavily, reaching out to touch me. “Tess, please, don’t judge. You’ve let me do all manner of shit to you. The one time I ask to worship you and you fight me.” His head bowed. “Please don’t fucking fight me.”

I didn’t know how to take this.
What is he saying?
How had he twisted himself into so many unfathomable knots?

Courage whined from his place on the rug, interrupting our heavy argument. Taking a deep breath, I truly studied Q. His face was drawn with dark angles. His eyes haunted and lost. If he fully believed in such silly things, who was I to belittle them? The only way to prove he was wrong. To remind him he was a wonderful, selfless man was to give in.

For just a little while.

Moving closer to him, I murmured. “If you need to do whatever it is you’re saying, I won’t say no. However, I don’t believe it has anything to do with—”

“This is what has to happen,
esclave
. Do I need to tie you down to make it come true?”

My lips curled. “That sounds more like the man I married.”

He refused to smile in return, his eyes crackling with lust. “I’m going to worship you. I’m not going to hurt you or drag you into pain. But not tonight.”

My insides turned to liquid at the thought of connection and sex. I wanted him. Especially now he’d added an entirely new element to our marriage. “Why not tonight?” I waved at the empty house, encompassing the canine witnesses by the fire. “We have the space to ourselves.”
Minus a few doggy voyeurs.

Slipping into the monstrous master I knew, he growled, “Because right now, I have a much better idea. If I’m going to do this. If I’m going to shackle the beast inside and treat you the way you’ve always meant to be treated, then I need one more night. I need to fuck you, Tess. I need it raw with no limits. Let me take that from you and I’ll give you everything else I can in return.”

I shivered. “You don’t have to convince me. I want what you do. We don’t have to stop—”

His hand smashed over my lips. “Yes, we do. I’m being punished for the way I treat you. It’s only right. What sort of fucking parent would I be if our baby was born to a mother with bruises? What sort of father would I be if I dreamed of making you bleed? I have to get rid of that part of me. It’s not right. It’s not human. And I need to be human to deserve you. To deserve a
child
with you.”

His voice plaited with rage and despair.

There was no talking him out of such crazy rationale. There was no right and wrong. No law or rules that said we couldn’t indulge in what we wanted and still have a family. Q was the most protective man; he would be the best father imaginable. What we did together behind closed doors was no one else’s business, including any children we might have.

To imagine him taking that away from me—forbidding any more violent lust was blasphemous.

If he weren’t already drunk, I would’ve made him so. If he went through with this idiotic idea, I wanted him to lose all control tonight. I wanted to be completely and utterly at his mercy with no thoughts between us.

Nothing but touch and trembles.

Pressing on my breastbone, Q walked me backward to the desk. Never removing his fingers, he shoved me hard, gritting his teeth as I splayed over the desk. Behind me sat an untouched plate of strawberry jam and fresh scones that a maid had brought in for dessert.

I hadn’t touched it.

Q noticed the edible confectionary instantly. “Ever heard the expression ‘you shouldn’t play with your food?’” His hand shot over my head, his fingers digging into the red sugar preserve. Never breaking eye contact, he brought the sweetness to my cheek.

Smearing it on my overheated skin, he smiled. “We’re about to break that rule.”

Uncertainty and excitement bubbled in my blood. I’d won this fight, and Q had finally talked to me. But I hadn’t won at all because if he went through with this, then he would take away a part of him that I was madly in love with.

Already, I mourned our violent affair, and he hadn’t even muzzled himself yet.

Q hovered above me, his body wound tight and bristling with lust. His pale eyes spoke of nothing but the urge to dominate and fuck.

With infinitesimal slowness, he inserted the sticky strawberry jam on his finger into my mouth. His wedding ring glinted in the low light, hinting at the inked tattoo beneath the gold.

I moaned as his finger hooked over my tongue, yanking my mouth open before crashing his lips over mine and kissing me deep and wet and true.

Breaking our connection, his tongue licked my cheek, taking the rest of the jam before kissing me again with sugary seduction.

I shuddered against him, life fading around us, as he became my sun and gravity.

My throat ached as his fingers dropped to strangle me. His large hand bordered delicate and crushing as the tiny urge to scratch and fight waged with submitting and begging for more.

Q fought himself on a minutely basis. For him to finally admit he wanted a family proved he was capable of so much more than he believed.

A child would weaken and empower him. A son would keep him fighting and possessive for years. And a daughter…a daughter might just ruin him with his desire to keep her safe.

But he was willing to drive himself mad because the urge inside overpowered his reason. It made me love him all the more. Our relationship had started on a quicksand foundation, slowly growing firmer as we grew to trust each other and accept what we needed. Now that foundation was stone and granite. He could have me like this and be a good father.

I just had to show him that. Just like I’d taught him so many things in our time together.

“Come.” Q let my throat go, breaking the kiss and pulling me from the desk.