Jennifer's Surrender (34 page)

 
“You ever ride?” he asked.

I shook my
head no, “Once or twice, but no, no lessons or anything like that. You?”

 
“It’s going to sound a bit pompous, but I
used to play polo up here, years ago.”

 
“Seriously? Polo? Wow, then you must be
good.”

 
“I know my way around a horse.” I knew
Bill well enough to know that he was being modest. “I have great respect for
them. That’s partly why I stopped playing, I saw too many horses hurt because
of the rider’s ego. But I never stopped loving the animal. They’re amazing
creatures. They each have their own personalities and they can pick up on the
subtlest of emotions and commands. They’re truly remarkable.” He was so
reverential.

We stopped at
a couple of the stalls, petting the horses that came to the doors. When we
walked through the other end there were a few horses in the outside corrals,
and we stood watching them graze on the hay that was set out for them.

After a bit,
we strolled further and I looked up at Bill and said, “This has been perfect,
Bill, this was just what I needed.”

 
“Good, I’m glad. But I think we need to
get you in some shade.” He pressed his finger tip to my shoulder and I realized
I hadn’t put any sunscreen on. I had dressed so quickly, I didn’t think when I
threw on my tank top and running shorts.

 
“Bad?” I asked.

 
“Just a little pink. Let’s head back. We
need to stop at the store so we can make dinner tonight, and I should do a bit
of work when we get home, just need to check in on a few things.”

I nodded. I
knew I shouldn’t, but I loved hearing ‘we’. I knew there was no ‘we’ really,
but it still felt nice. We took our time walking back to the car. It was
mid-afternoon and it felt like we had all the time in the world.

 
“I know you don’t take time off, Bill.
And I know you have an agency to run, so…” before I could finish he took my
hand and stilled me.

 
“Jen, I chose to take this time off to be
with you. And I’m enjoying myself. I’ll do what I need to do to make sure
everything is ok at the office, but I want to be here with you, ok?”

 
“Ok.” I said, but he didn’t let go of my
hand. We held hands the rest of the walk back to the car. I had always loved
holding hands with guys. It was such a simple gesture, but it could be so
romantic, at least to me. It made me realize, the whole thing with Stephen,
there was no real romance. All of these little recognitions of what I wanted
were becoming clearer and clearer. I did want romance. But I also wanted
someone who could be dominant in the bedroom. I didn’t want to be someone’s
slave or sex toy they passed around. I did want to be someone’s equal. Someone
I could talk with, a relationship where I had a say in things. Basically, I
wanted Bill. Was this just me on the rebound or was this me awakening to my true
desires?

We stopped at
Totally Natural, the high end grocery chain, nicknamed Total Paycheck. But they
did have great produce and an amazing selection of, well, of everything healthy
or seemingly healthy. We split up. He was getting what we needed for dinner. I
told him I wanted to bake something. We met up again in the check out line and
I felt a little awkward, realizing I hadn’t even brought my wallet with me when
we went for our walk.

 
“Jen? What’s wrong?”

 
“Um, I didn’t bring my wallet with me.”

 
“So?”

 
“So, I wasn’t planning on stealing…” I
said sheepishly and he laughed.

 
“I’m glad to hear it. Give me that.” He
said and grabbed for my basket. I pulled it away.

 
“Bill, it’s bad enough I’m staying at
your house and you’re taking care of me.”

 
“Is it so bad?” he took a step closer and
held out his hand. I shook my head and put my basket in his hand.

 
“No, it’s the opposite of bad.”

 
“The opposite of bad? Jen, I hired you as
a copywriter and those are the words you use?” we both laughed.

 
“It’s great. Happy now?”

 
“Very.” He smiled back at me.

I was going to
add flirting to my list. In addition to romance, I wanted flirting. And I was
doing just that with Bill in line at the market. And it felt amazing.

When we got
back to his house, he went into the office to do some work and I set about
baking. I plugged my phone in so I could pull up one of my favorite recipes
online for a chocolate whiskey bunt cake, and rummaged around his kitchen to
find everything I needed. Once again, I was in a man’s kitchen finding my way
around.

Once the cake
was in the oven, I finally looked at my phone. I saw there were a ton of missed
messages. I knew at least some were Bill, but I couldn’t stomach the potential
for hearing Stephen’s voice in case one of them was him. So I put the phone
back in my purse. Whatever messages were on there could wait until I was ready
to hear them.

Eventually,
Bill came into the kitchen as I was busy cleaning the last of the vegetables,
trying to stay busy.

 
“That smells so good, I’m tempted to skip
dinner and go right to dessert.”

I smiled, “I’m
pretty sure chocolate is one of the major food groups.”

 
“A girl after my own heart. But I’m going
to exercise some restraint. Plus, I’m looking forward to cooking and having a
nice dinner with you.” I tried to hide my emotion, but it felt so good to hear
that. So normal. Well, except for the fact that he was my boss and the only
reason I was standing in his kitchen was because of me getting gang-banged… Ok,
so maybe not so normal.

Making dinner
was, once again, very comfortable. We moved around each other easily in the
kitchen. When we finally sat down, conversation stalled for a bit. I felt the
necessity to fill in the silence.

 
“So, um, when I come back to work, can
you please put someone else on the Tutto account?”

Bill nodded
and took a long sip of wine. “I think that goes without saying. But let’s see
if we even have the account when you come back.”

 
“I was planning on coming back on Monday.
You think he’ll pull it that fast?”

Bill shrugged,
“I wouldn’t want to second guess him. I thought I knew him, but now, I’m not so
sure.” I nodded. Then Bill asked, “You sure you’re ready to come back on Monday?
You know you have a ton of unused vacation, Jen. You can take next week off.”

 
“And do what? Sit around and mindfuck
myself to death?” Bill chuckled. “I think I’d be better off keeping busy.”

 
“Ok, but you don’t have to decide right
now. Think about it. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you like. Sit by
the pool. Pretend you’re on vacation…”

 
“Thanks, Bill. I do appreciate it. I
don’t want to go home yet. It’s nice being here, with you. It already feels
like a vacation.”

 
“Good. And I like having you here.”

We talked a
bit more about work through dinner. There were moments of silence, both of us
feeling awkward, yet comfortable with each other. After dinner, we cleaned up
and he said he had more work to take care of.

 
“Um, would you mind if I used the
Jacuzzi?” I asked.

 
“Of course not! Please, feel at home
here, Jen. I’ll be in my office if you need anything.”

I thanked him
and then went to my room to change, well, get undressed really, and then headed
out to the Jacuzzi. He kept it warm, so all I had to do was turn on the jets.
The yard was lit and the steam bubbled off the top of the water. As I discarded
my towel I looked up and saw Bill sitting in his office staring out the window
at me. His office was dark except for the light from the computer. Since the
yard was lit, I knew he could see me perfectly. He watched me every step as I
descended into the water. I didn’t turn away from him. I didn’t want to hide. I
wasn’t sure what this little dance was that we were doing, but I knew I didn’t
have to figure it out right then and there.

I relaxed in
the Jacuzzi for a while, listening to the bubbles and jets, looking up at the
stars and trying, once again, to let the water wash everything away.
Eventually, looking at my fingers, I knew it was time to get out. I stood up
and felt Bill’s eyes on me, but I turned away from him to get my towel. I was
tired and ready for bed. Once inside, after I was dressed I walked into his
office to say goodnight.

 
“Good night, Jen. Sweet dreams.” Bill
said and then went back to his computer. I walked down the hall to my bedroom
and lay there for a while, waiting for sleep to come. I wanted to be back in
his bed with him, but I knew it was probably too soon. I told myself it was
better if I stayed put, at least for tonight. But I couldn’t fall asleep. All I
could think about was Bill, not so far down the hall. Finally, I started
playing with myself. I smiled thinking it was the first time I had in months.
Oddly symbolic, masturbating was one more way I was saying goodbye to Stephen,
and making it clear to myself that he no longer had a hold over me. So lost in
the emotion of it all, I realized that I moaned out loud when I came. I had
left my door open, and if Bill were awake, I’m sure he could have heard me.
Soon there after I heard his heavy breathing and then a stifled moan come from
his bedroom. Then I drifted off to sleep.

I went for a
long run the next morning. It was the first one in a week, so it was a bit of a
struggle, but it felt so good to get my muscles moving and get back to some
sense of normalcy.

When I got
back I found Bill sipping coffee at the breakfast table. He grinned when I
walked in. “Morning, good run?”

I nodded, “It
was good to get out there. Not my fastest, but just happy to put one foot in
front of the other.”

 
“Good. Sleep well?” he asked with a bit
of a smirk. I had to bite my lip to stifle a giggle.

 
“Mmmhmm. You?”

He looked
devilish, “Indeed.” We were both grinning like idiots.

 
“So, I have a plan for today, if you’re
up for it.”

 
“Let me check my schedule.” I teased.

 
“It’s going to be a beautiful day. Let’s
drive up to Santa Barbara and go wine tasting. Since it’s not the weekend, it
won’t be as crowded, and it something I love doing, I just never take the time
to do it. What do you say?”

 
“I say it sounds perfect. I’ll just grab
a shower, and can we stop by my place on the way so I can get something to
wear? All I have here are sweats…”

 
“Deal.”

It was good
that we stopped at my place. Actually being there was not. But given that the
visit was brief, it allowed me to take a baby step back towards reality without
having to completely commit to it just yet. Even though my place wasn’t the
site of the incident, for the moment, it held more unpleasant memories than
good ones.

I changed
quickly and then it was Bill who said, “Since we’re here, do you want to grab
some more clothes, just in case you stay at my place a bit longer?” I knew he
could tell that I didn’t want to be back in my place, and as much as I didn’t
want to impose on him, I was grateful for his hospitality, support and
friendship.

 
“Bill, you’ve already done so much
already, I don’t want to impose…”

 
“Jen, it’s not imposing when I’m the one
who’s offering. It’s ok to accept my help. I know that after everything you
want to prove to yourself that you can get by on your own, and I know that you
can. I think you know you can too. But it’s ok to want to be taken care of and
cared for. It doesn’t make you weak.”

I nodded and
bit my lip to stop the tears. He was so god damned right and so damned good. I
filled another bag with clothes, enough to get me through the weekend, and we
were out of there within 10 minutes.

The drive up
the coast was peaceful. We talked about wine and Santa Barbara. Bill told me
that he thought about retiring up there. “Los Angeles has always been home, but
it’s so big, so congested. I’d like a slower pace eventually, smaller town. I
never thought I’d want to leave LA or agency life, but even just this, taking
the day with you, relaxing, it’s hard to relax in the hustle and bustle. I know
the uh, reason why we’re both out of the office isn’t a good one, but now that
we are, it’s a good reminder that there’s more to life than just work, at least
for me it is.”

 
“The agency is everything to you, isn’t
it?” I asked.

 
“It has been, yeah. And I have no
complaints. But sometimes life has a way of dropping clues that there might be
other things to focus on.”

 
“Am I the clue in this scenario?” I asked
hesitantly.

He took his
right hand off the steering wheel and rested it, palm up, on the console. I put
my hand in it and he said, “Some clues can be right under our noses, and all we
have to do is open our eyes to see them.”

We held hands
in silence for a while. Eventually, we started talking about something else,
but he didn’t let go of my hand. He stroked the back of it with his thumb,
every now and then glancing over and smiling at me.

Bill had a few
wineries in mind that he wanted to visit. The first was a tiny little tasting
room, the structure looked like a mini barn, painted bright yellow. We tasted a
couple whites and a couple reds, and even though it wasn’t much, I felt buzzed
almost immediately. We chatted easily with the woman pouring the wine and it
felt like this was the most natural thing in the world, Bill and I, acting as a
couple, going wine tasting.