Jennifer's Surrender (33 page)

I swallowed,
“Victim?” I said softly.

 
“Jen, sweetie,” his voice had softened,
“What happened that night…” I shook my head, not wanting to think about it.
“Honey, I do feel sorry for you. I’m sorry about what happened to you. I’m
furious that someone I used to consider a friend could take advantage of you
like that. The thought of it…” he looked pained. “The thought of it turns my
stomach.”

 
“You and me both.”

He came over
to the bed and sat down, taking my hand in his, “Look Jen, I don’t have
experience with anything like this, so I’m no expert, but I do know you. I
think you need some time, and I think you need to be taken care of. I don’t
think you should be alone right now, and I’d like to be the one to take care of
you. But I don’t want to force you. If you want to go home, I’ll take you.”

The thought of
going home and sitting in my apartment alone was awful. I didn’t want to leave.
“I’d like to stay for a couple days if that’s ok with you. And then I’ll see
how I’m feeling, ok?”

Bill got a big
smile on his face. “Good. Now, let’s go make some breakfast and we’ll figure
out what the day will bring us.” He got up off the bed and came around to my
side. I held my arms out as if to say, ‘I got this’. And I did. He waited while
I went to the bathroom, giving me just enough distance but also being close by
just in case. When I came out, we walked slowly to the kitchen. It felt good to
get my legs moving.

 
“I’d like to help, Bill. I’m not going to
faint, I don’t think. And the more I do normal things, the more normal I’m
going to feel.”

 
“Ok, you’re on coffee duty then. Filters
are in there. Beans. Grinder. Go to it.” I moved around him and retrieved the
items and got to work. “Any preference for breakfast?”

 
“Do you have any oatmeal? Sounds
comforting right now.”

He nodded and
then said, “And there are fresh berries in the fridge. When you’re finished
with the coffee, you can rinse them while I start the oatmeal.” It was nice
that he was taking the kid gloves off. He did get me. As odd as it was to be in
my boss’s kitchen, Bill and I had obviously transcended boss / employee by now.
And, having worked together for years, there was a comfort level that made
moving around each other in the kitchen feel somewhat like we had been doing it
forever.

When we sat
down to eat he said, “Jen, I do have a couple questions. I’d like to talk about
it now and then we can put it to rest and not bring it up again, ok?”

 
“Ok, let’s rip the band aid off.”

 
“Brave girl.” he took a big inhale, “This
is awkward for me to ask, but, um, should we get you to a doctor?”

I was confused
and then realized what he must be asking, “I don’t think so. I’m on the pill
and I think everyone wore condoms.”

 
“You
think
?”

I looked down
and shook my head. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation. “I was
blindfolded. I, um, I never saw any of them. I don’t even know how many there
were. But, oh God… I felt and uh tasted condoms. I never felt anyone’s bare,
you know…”

 
“Jesus.” He said and shook his head,
putting his hands up to his temples. He gave me a sad smile and said, “Guess I
should have waited till after breakfast to have this conversation?” I was
grateful for the attempt at diversion.

Then,
something came over me, “Bill, it happened. Neither of us can change that. I
wish it hadn’t, but it did. So let’s stick to your original plan and rip this
fucking band aid off so I can let the wound heal. I want to put this behind me,
so if that means we have to talk about it now, let’s just get it over with.”

 
“You’re a lot stronger than I think you
give yourself credit for.”

 
“Thanks… Ok, next question?”

 
“Is there anyone you need to see or
anything you think you should do?” I looked at him puzzled, so he elaborated,
“You know, like talk with a therapist or um, I don’t know Jen, the police?”

 
“And say what? That my, ‘Master’ who I
allowed to beat me, and oh, by the way, I often enjoyed being beaten, that he
‘shared’ me with a bunch of his friends and I went along with it because that’s
what a good submissive does?” I shook my head, “Unless there are therapists who
specialize in ‘the lifestyle’ I think I’ll pass. Plus, I’m not confused.” And
as I said those words, I knew that for the first time since I started seeing
Stephen, I wasn’t confused. As fucked up as it may have been, I realized that
what happened, what he did to me, finally gave me clarity.

 
“I’m not looking for answers. All of this
is surprisingly clear to me. I trusted someone else to do with my body what
they wanted, regardless of whether I wanted it. I gave up complete control to
another person who I barely knew. I thought that someone else could know me
better than I know myself. And he took advantage of all of that.”

 
“Ok then. Well, that concludes the
question portion of this morning’s breakfast.” I didn’t blame Bill for trying
to bring some levity to such an ugly, uncomfortable conversation.

 
“Bill, it’s ok. I fucked up.” I paused
and took a breath. It was my fault, at least at first. Not what he did, that
was on him. But I did screw up. I had to accept that without wallowing in it. When
I was ready, I started again. “But I also learned a lot about myself. It wasn’t
all bad. I mean, what happened last weekend was horrible. But not everything
with Sir, uh Stephen was.” I paused, reflecting, “Most of it was amazing. He
did show me a side of myself that I didn’t know existed, or maybe I knew it was
there but had never really explored it. He just went too far. He abused his
power.”

As I talked, I
knew it was all true. I wasn’t saying this to mollify Bill. It felt good to be
so clear about things.

We stayed
quiet for a bit, eating our breakfasts. Then he asked, “Do you think you’d like
to do anything today?”

I thought
about it and then it was clear, “I’ve been inside for the last five days. I
think I’d like to be outside. In nature. Would you go for a walk with me, like
an easy hike or somewhere in the hills where it’s just nature, not people. I’d
like to feel fresh air and just breathe.”

 
“On one condition.” I looked at him
skeptically. “You have to finish your breakfast. In fact, I might even make you
eat more. I don’t want to be carrying you down a mountain.”

 
“Sounds fair.” And I continued eating.

The rest of
breakfast was a little awkward. Thankfully, he had a newspaper so we each took
a section and ate and read, probably both grateful for the silence and absence
of heavy subjects. After breakfast he went into his office to get some work
done and I went out to the backyard. I wanted to feel the sun on my skin, and
even though it was still morning, it was already warming up. I dipped my toes
into the pool and it felt so good I decided to go for a swim. After grabbing a
towel from inside, I reasoned that Bill was tucked in his office, and hell, he
had already seen everything. I didn’t have a bathing suit with me, and truth be
told, I had become accustomed to being naked. I stripped off my clothes and
eased into the pool. I wasn’t sure what it was about water, but between the
bath and the pool, I think I could have spent my days submerged.

I did some
slow laps, making sure my muscles were moving. Freestyle was still hard on my
shoulders, so I opted for breaststroke and just floating. It felt so nice to
just float. I was lost in my thoughts, floating on my back, eyes closed, when I
heard, “Ahem.”

I blinked my
eyes open and immediately submerged my body, “Uh, sorry bout that.” Bill was
standing with his arms folded across his chest and what seemed to be a bulge in
his shorts.

 
“I just came out to say we should
probably get going so that we’re not walking in the heat of the day. Looks like
it’s going to be a hot one.”

 
“Yeah, ok, right. Um, I’ll just get out
and rinse off and be dressed and ready in 20 minutes, tops.” Bill smiled and
shook his head, muttering something and walking away.

The dynamic
between us was definitely shifting. I guess walking around naked had something
to do with that…

We drove to
Will Rogers State Park. I hadn’t been there in ages, and it was a perfect spot.
There’s a huge polo field, another large lawn where some families and couples
were already picnicking and tossing Frisbees, the entire area surrounded by
century-old eucalyptus trees and hiking trails. We walked along the lower polo
field which was being used for a soccer game, then went up to the upper lawn.
It was nice to hear kids playing and people laughing. It was the perfect amount
of humanity, and a nice reminder of normalcy. No floggers. No gang-bangs. Just
normal people doing normal things to be happy. Then again, who knows. Maybe in
the privacy of their own homes they went home and tied each other up after
putting the kids to bed…

Bill and I
didn’t say much as we walked. There were enough distractions that it didn’t
feel uncomfortable.

 
“Can we go up to the stables?” I asked,
remembering that there were horses farther up.

 
“This is your day, Jen.” He smiled and
reached out to touch me, one of those gestures that couples do, but pulled his
hand back. We both noticed it, but there wasn’t anything to say. There’s no
question that a bond was forming, but I’m not sure either of us knew exactly
how to act with each other. Walking the grounds with him, it felt almost like a
date. We both knew there was an attraction, but we also knew that I was
healing… oh, and that he was my boss.

As we headed
up towards the stables, a couple of people on horseback passed us, coming down
from the trails. We exchanged pleasantries as Bill and I watched them go by.

 
“They’re such beautiful animals. So
graceful and elegant, but so strong.” I said as they walked back to the
stables.

 
“A lot like you.” Bill said and I turned
to him, surprised. This time, there was no denying the intention.

 
“Bill…”

 
“Jen, I’m just giving you a compliment,
that’s all.” We walked in silence for a bit, then he continued,
 
“I know you need time. I respect that and
everything you’ve been through. You know how I feel about you, it’s no secret
anymore. But you are beautiful, and strong. You wouldn’t be out here with me if
you didn’t have that inner strength.” He paused, watching the horses again.
“It’s important that you know how strong you are.”

I nodded.
“Because he made me feel so weak.” And he nodded.

 
“You know, submitting, there are degrees
Jen. It doesn’t always have to be so extreme. It doesn’t have to be what you
had with him.”

I knew what he
was trying to tell me. And talking with him was cathartic.

 
“I know.” I wanted to talk about this
with someone, and Bill really was the only one I could. He apparently
understood the lifestyle, knew Stephen, knew me. I had nothing left to hide. “I,
I like submitting sexually.” I knew I was blushing, but we were walking side by
side, not looking at each other, so it made it easier to have this conversation.
“I don’t like all the humiliation and degradation. I don’t understand it. I
don’t understand why anyone would want to do that to someone else.”

 
“Some people get off on it. I’ve never
gotten it either. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” He said
and kicked the dirt. His hands curled into fists. I knew he felt helpless to
what Stephen had done.

 
“Bill, it’s not your problem to fix.
You’re not responsible for what he did.”

 
“I feel partially responsible. You never
would have met if it weren’t for me and the account.”

 
“Bill, come on. Don’t be ridiculous. This
could have gone a hundred different ways. We could have presented and worked on
the account and that could have been that. But I accepted his invitation. I
wanted to see what he was offering was all about. No, I didn’t have any idea
how it would end, but I was attracted to him and to the lifestyle. Or at least,
I thought I was.”

At that point,
we walked into the stables and there was one of the riders from earlier walking
his horse through, heading towards us.

 
“Can I pet him?” I asked and the rider
smiled, petting the bridge of his nose.

 
“Aye, he’s a sucker for the ladies!” he
said with an Irish accent. I put my hand up to the horse’s mouth and his lips
pulled back and his big horse tongue licked my palm. I felt the warm air from
his nostrils and I giggled at the tickling. “See what I mean? Here, give him
one of these and you’ll have him wrapped around yer little finger.” And he gave
me a carrot, which I held up to the horse’s mouth and he gently took it right
out of my palm. I stood, watching him chew, and then when he was finished I
petted his nose.

 
“Thank you, he’s beautiful.”

 
“Aye, he’s a good lad. Bit of a flirt,
but I can’t blame him.” The rider said and winked at me. I blushed and
immediately felt Bill’s arm around my shoulder. “All right then, you have a
nice day now.” The rider said and chuckled as he continued in his direction, us
in ours. I pet the flanks of the horse as he walked by.

Once they
passed, I looked up at Bill and he just shrugged, “I’m a guy. So sue me.” I
just laughed and shook my head.