Jewels (4 page)

He never mentioned the baby to her. But he did his best to make conversation. He was surprised at how awkward he felt, being with her. It was as though overnight they had become strangers. The truth was that they always had been. It was just that now it was more difficult to hide it. He shared none of her grief with her. He only went to see her because he felt it his duty. And he knew her father would kill him if he didn’t make the effort.

He arrived at the Thompson house each day at noon, spent an hour with her, and then went out to have lunch with his cronies. And he very wisely never stopped in to see her in the evening. He was always worse for wear by then, and he was smart enough not to let Sarah or her parents see him. He was really sorry Sarah was so unhappy over losing the child, and she still looked dreadful. But he couldn’t bear thinking of it, or what she might expect from him emotionally, or worse yet, the prospect of another baby. It only made him drink more and run harder And by the time Sarah was ready to come home to him, he was in a downward spiral from which no one could save him. His drinking was so out of control that even some of his own drinking buddies were worried about him.

He nonetheless dutifully showed up at the Thompsons’ to take Sarah home, and the maid was waiting for them at their own apartment. Everything was clean and in order, although suddenly Sarah felt out of place there. It felt like someone else’s home and she felt like a stranger.

Freddie was a stranger there too. He had only been there to change his clothes since she’d lost the baby. He’d been out carousing every night, taking full advantage of the fact that she wasn’t there to see it. And now it was odd and very confining to have her at home again.

He spent the afternoon with her, and then told her that he had to have dinner with an old friend; he was talking to him about a job, and it was very important. He knew she wouldn’t object to it then. And she didn’t, although she was disappointed he wasn’t spending her first night at home with her. But she objected a great deal to the condition he was in when he came home at two o’clock that morning. The doorman had to help him in, and she was shocked when they rang the doorbell. Freddie was draped all over him, and he scarcely seemed to recognize her when he tried to focus on her blurred face, as the doorman assisted him into a chair in their bedroom. Freddie handed him a hundred-dollar bill, and offered profuse thanks for being a good sport and a great friend. Sarah watched in horror as Freddie made his way unsteadily to the bed and collapsed there unconscious. She stood looking at him for a long time, with tears in her eyes, before she left the room to sleep in their guest room. As she walked away from him, she felt an ache in her heart for the baby she had lost, and the husband she had never had, and never would now. She had finally understood that her marriage to Freddie would never be more than a pretense, an empty shell, and a source of endless grief and disappointment. It was a grim prospect as she slid into the guest-room bed alone, but she couldn’t hide from the truth anymore. He would never be anything more than a drunk and a playboy. And the worst of all was that she couldn’t imagine divorcing him. She couldn’t bear the thought of bringing disgrace to herself and her parents.

As she lay in bed in the guest room that night, she thought of the long, lonely road ahead of her. A lifetime of loneliness, with Freddie.

Chapter 3

Y
the time Sarah had been home a week, she looked healthy and well, she was back on her feet, and out having lunch with her mother and sister. She seemed fine, although both women thought she was still a little quiet.

The three of them had lunch together at Jane’s apartment one afternoon, and their mother tried to ask Sarah casually about Freddie. She was still deeply concerned over everything Sarah had told her when she lost the baby.

“He’s fine,” Sarah said, as she turned away. As always, she said nothing about the nights she spent alone, or the condition Freddie was in when he returned in the morning. In fact, she barely spoke about it to him. She had accepted her fate, and she was determined to stay married to Freddie. If nothing else, it would have been too humiliating not to.

Freddie sensed a change in her, too, a kind of compliance, and acceptance of his appalling behavior. It was as though when the baby died, a piece of her died too. But Freddie didn’t question it, he just took full advantage of what appeared to be Sarah’s good nature. He came and went as he pleased, seldom bothered to take her anywhere, made no secret of the other women he saw, and drank from the moment he got up until he finally sank into unconsciousness at night, in their bedroom, or someone else’s

It was an incredibly unhappy time for her, but Sarah seemed determined to accept it. She kept her sorrows to herself as the months went on, and she said nothing to anyone. But her sister grew increasingly frantic about her each time she saw her. And as a result, Sarah saw her less and less often. There was a kind of numbness about Sarah now, an emptiness, and her eyes were filled with silent anguish. She had grown frighteningly thin since she’d lost the child, and that worried Jane too, but she also felt that Sarah was doing everything she could to avoid her.

“What’s happening to you?” Jane asked her finally in May. By then she herself was six months pregnant, and she had hardly seen Sarah in months, because Sarah couldn’t bear seeing her sister pregnant.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Don’t tell me that, Sarah! You’re like someone in a trance. What’s he doing to you? What’s going on?” Just looking at her, Jane was frantic. She also sensed how uncomfortable Sarah was with her, so most of the time she didn’t press herself on her sister. But she didn’t want to leave her to her own devices now. She was beginning to fear for Sarah’s sanity, or her life, at Freddie’s hands, and somebody had to, stop it.

“Don’t be silly. I’m fine.”

“Are things better than they were?”

“I suppose so.” She was intentionally vague, and her sister saw right through it.

Sarah was thinner and paler than she had been right after the miscarriage. She was profoundly depressed, and no one knew it. She kept assuring everyone that she was fine, that Freddie was behaving. She had even told her parents that he was looking for a job. It was all the same old nonsense, which no one believed anymore, not even Sarah.

And on their anniversary, her parents tacitly agreed to continue the farce with her, by celebrating their first anniversary with a little party for them at the house in Southampton.

At first, Sarah had tried to discourage them, but in the end it was easier just to let them do it. Freddie had promised her he’d be there. In fact, he thought it was a great idea. He wanted to go to Southampton for the entire weekend, and bring half a dozen friends with him. The house was certainly big enough, and Sarah asked her mother if it was all right, and her mother was quick to tell them that their friends were always welcome. But Sarah warned him that his friends had to behave if they stayed with them, she didn’t want them embarrassing her with her parents.

“What a dumb thing to say, Sarah,” he berated her. In the past month or two, he was slowly becoming increasingly vicious. She was never sure if it was due to the alcohol he consumed, or if he had truly begun to hate her. “You hate me, don’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I just don’t want your friends to get out of hand at my parents’.”

“Aren’t you the prim, prissy little thing. Poor darling, afraid we can’t behave at your parents’.” She wanted to tell him that he didn’t behave anywhere else, but she refrained. She was slowly resigning herself to her lot in life, knowing full well that she would be miserable with him forever. There would probably never be another baby, and even that didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did. She just lived day by day, and one day she would die, and it would be all over. The thought of divorcing him never even occurred to her, or never more than fleetingly, in any case. No one in her family had ever gotten divorced, and in her wildest dreams, she would never have thought of being the first one. The shame of it would have killed her, as well as her parents. “Don’t worry, Sarah, we’ll behave. Just don’t annoy my friends with that long, sad face of yours. You’re enough to spoil anyone’s fun at a party.” It had only been since being married to him, and losing the baby, that she seemed to have lost all her color, all her life, all her
joie de vivre
and excitement. She had always been lively and bright and happy as a young girl, and suddenly she seemed like a dead person, even to herself. It was Jane who always commented on it, but Peter and her parents told her not to worry, Sarah would be all right, because they wanted to believe that.

Two days before the Thompsons’ party was to take place, the Duke of Windsor married Wallis Simpson. They were married at the Château de Candé in France, amidst a maelstrom of press and international attention, all of which Sarah thought was tasteless and disgusting. She turned her thoughts back to her anniversary party instead, and instantly forgot the Windsors.

Peter and Jane and little James planned to spend the weekend in Southampton for the big event. The house looked beautiful, filled with flowers, and there was a tent over the lawn looking out over the ocean. The Thompsons had planned a beautiful party for Sarah and Freddie. On Friday night, all the young people were to go out with their friends, and they went to the Canoe Place Inn and had a wonderful time, talking and dancing and laughing. Even Jane, who was extremely pregnant, went, and so did Sarah, who felt as though she hadn’t smiled in years. Freddie even danced with her, and for a few minutes he looked as though he were going to kiss her. Eventually, Peter and Jane and Sarah and some of the others went back to the Thompsons’ afterwards, and Freddie and his close friends went out to do a little carousing. Sarah grew quiet again then, but she didn’t say anything as she rode back to the house with Jane and Peter. Her sister and brother-in-law were still in high spirits and seemed not to notice her silence.

The next day dawned sunny and beautiful, and later, the sunset over Long Island Sound was spectacular, as the band struck up and the Thompsons began greeting their guests, who were there to celebrate Sarah and Freddie. Sarah looked remarkable in a shimmering white gown, which clung to her figure enticingly and made her look like a young goddess. Her dark hair was piled high on her head, and she moved through the crowd with quiet grace as she greeted her friends and her parents’ guests, and everyone commented on how she had matured in the past year, and how much more beautiful she was even than at her wedding. She was in sharp contrast to her warmly rotund sister, Jane, who was looking touchingly maternal in a turquoise silk dress that covered her voluminously, and she was good-natured about her lack of figure.

“Mother said I could wear the tent, but I liked this color better,” she joked with an old friend, and Sarah smiled as she drifted past them. She looked better, and happier, than she had in a long time, but Jane was still very worried about her.

“Sarah’s gotten so thin.”

“She … she was sick earlier this year.” She had lost even more weight since the miscarriage, and Jane sensed, although Sarah didn’t admit it to her, that she was still wracked with guilt and grief over losing the baby.

“No babies yet?” people asked her repeatedly. “Oh, you two will have to get started!” Or finished. She only smiled at them, and after the first hour, she suddenly realized that she hadn’t seen Freddie since the party started. He had been near the bar with his friends an hour ago, and then she had lost track of them as she greeted the guests, standing next to her father She asked the butler eventually, and he said that Mister Van Deering had left in a car a few minutes before, with some of his friends, and they were heading toward Southampton.

“They probably went to get something, Miss Sarah,” he said, looking at her kindly.

“Thank you, Charles.” He had been their butler there for years, and he stayed on in the winter when they went back to the city. She had known him since she was a child, and she dearly loved him.

She started to worry about what Freddie was doing. He and his friends had probably gone to one of the local bars in Hampton Bays to have a few quick, stiff drinks, before returning to the gentility of her parents’ party. But she wondered just how drunk they would be when they got back, and if anyone would notice their absence in the meantime.

“Where’s that handsome husband of yours?” an elderly friend of her mother’s asked, and she assured her that he’d be back downstairs in a minute. He’d gone up to get a wrap for her, she explained, and the friend thought his attentiveness was very touching.

“Something wrong?” Jane sidled up to her, and asked in an undertone. She had been watching her for the past half hour and knew her too well to be convinced by the smile she was wearing.

“No. Why?”

“You look like someone just put a snake in your purse.” Sarah couldn’t help but laugh at the description. For a minute, it reminded her of their childhood, and she almost forgave Jane for being pregnant. It was just going to be so hard to see her with her baby two months from now, knowing that hers was gone, and she might never have one. She and Freddie had never made love again since the miscarriage. “So, where’s the snake?” Jane asked.