John's Story (13 page)

B
y the middle of that Friday afternoon, John had become aware of the workers in the household making preparations for Shabbat. There had been much controversy among believers over whether Jewish Christians should still observe Jewish rites. John had come down on the side of freedom, that they were certainly free to, but not bound to. He himself still felt compelled to pray three times a day, as in the tradition under which he had been raised, but he also frequently prayed much more often.

Ignatius came by, speculating on whether the crowd this evening, during the Sabbath, would be larger or smaller. The three were divided, Ignatius predicting fewer, Polycarp more, and John opining that there would be little difference from the night before.

“Of one thing I am certain, however,” he said. “Cerinthus will not be here.”

“Of course not,” Ignatius said. “His type of Gnostic remains imprisoned by the laws and will surely observe Shabbat. By the way, teacher, if ever there was an evening when you should try to join us, it is tonight. Many have asked after you, and I promise not to make you read or speak or even pray.”

“Perhaps.”

The bishop had read the previous day’s output of John’s account and continued to rave about the far-reaching potential of it. “My favorite part,” he said, “is where you recount the people asking Jesus for this eternal, life-giving bread—clearly assuming He is talking about the bread that never runs out, as they had eaten the day before. But He responds, ‘
I
am the bread of life.’ That is beautiful! He was talking about Himself, and they had not understood it, so He simply tells them.”

As the sun set, the Sabbath was an hour old and the house was quiet until the crowd started to arrive for Ignatius’s teaching session. John felt little better than when he had risen, but he forced himself to make his way to the chapel. Not having to mount or descend stairs was a great help, but as soon as he took his place, he regretted having come.

People crowded around to greet him, to touch him, to smile at him, to study him. John felt he had become a spectacle, yet he had no choice other than to be cordial. Once Ignatius got into his teaching, John leaned close to Polycarp and whispered, “You were correct. This has to be the biggest crowd.”

The young man nodded. “Do you need anything, rabbi?”

“I need you to take me out of here.”

Without hesitation, Polycarp helped him up and escorted him back to his new room. John could tell the young man wanted to ask if he was all right, but apparently he had been chastised enough about this. “I’m fine,” John told him. “Just tired. And I didn’t want to have to fight the crowd later. You may go back, if you wish.”

“I would like to,” Polycarp said. “But I am at your service, should you care to work more. I do not recommend it and, as you know, wish you would get your rest. But you have convinced me the time is short.”

“No, please. Return. Then you and Ignatius come back and report how the evening goes.”

“Only if you are still awake.”

N
OT ONLY
was John awake later, but he was also ready to take Polycarp up on his suggestion that they keep working. It wasn’t that he felt better. In fact, John felt worse. That was the point. He didn’t want to worry unnecessarily, but he was becoming convinced of his own mortality. And the timing must have been all right with God, because He was not answering John’s pleas for relief and healing. Perhaps, he decided, he should stop banging on heaven’s door. Clearly the work was more important than his own life, and John had long ago learned not to question the mind of God. There had to be some purpose in his own demise, and much as he longed to stay at the task, he would not fight his fate. John would, however, work for as long as he had breath.

What the men reported from the meeting settled in John’s mind that he would work that evening until he fell asleep.

“There are often faces we don’t recognize in these meetings,” Ignatius said. “And we are always on the lookout for people who would intend evil upon us. But tonight we saw some who might have been Gnostics.”

“But would not they be observing the Sabbath?”

“No one said they were devout or consistent. Perhaps Cerinthus is able to be personally observant by sending them in his stead.”

“Keep an eye on them, should they return,” John said. “And get your rest. Polycarp and I shall continue awhile.”

“I would love to sit in,” Ignatius said.

“Suit yourself. I am jumping ahead now about half a year, when Jesus walked in Galilee. He no longer wanted to walk in Judea, because the Jews sought to kill Him. It always touched me deeply that while He spent a few days here and there with great multitudes, He spent days and weeks and months at a time with us, teaching us, preparing us for our duties when He would no longer be with us. We did not comprehend that, of course, not wanting to believe He would not be with us for years to come.

“But it was during this period, when He was continuing to preach and teach and heal, that the discomfort with Him on the part of the religious leaders grew into true hatred. You see, once Jesus had taught, He also healed, but He did not just heal the worst cases. He did not heal a representative portion of each crowd. He healed them all.

“The Jews’ Feast of Tabernacles was at hand. Jesus’ brothers therefore said to Him, ‘Depart from here and go into Judea, that Your disciples also may see the works that You are doing. For no one does anything in secret while he himself seeks to be known openly. If You do these things, show Yourself to the world.’ You know, at this time even His brothers did not believe in Him. They did not become His followers until after the resurrection. His brother James became head of the church at Jerusalem, and his brother Jude wrote a treatise against apostates that it would serve us well to study as we face the Gnostics.

“Jesus said again that His time had not yet come and so He would remain in Galilee and not go to Judea. He added that the world hated Him ‘because I testify of it that its works are evil.’

“But once His brothers had left, He also went up to the feast, not openly, but in secret. The Jews looked for Him there, asking everyone, ‘Where is He?’ And there was much talk among the people concerning Him. Some said, ‘He is good’; others said, ‘No, on the contrary, He deceives the people.’ However, no one spoke openly of Him for fear of the Jews.

“Now about the middle of the feast Jesus went up into the temple and taught. And the Jews marveled, saying, ‘How does this Man know letters, having never studied?’

“Jesus said, ‘My doctrine is not Mine, but His who sent Me. If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know concerning the doctrine, whether it is from God or whether I speak on My own authority. He who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who seeks the glory of the One who sent Him is true, and no unrighteousness is in Him. Did not Moses give you the law, yet none of you keeps the law? Why do you seek to kill Me?’

“They said, ‘You have a demon. Who is seeking to kill You?’

“Well, Polycarp, it was a most unusual day. Jesus boldly challenged them. He said, ‘I did one work, and you all marvel…. Are you angry with Me because I made a man completely well on the Sabbath? Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.’

“Some from Jerusalem said, ‘Is this not He whom they seek to kill? But look! He speaks boldly, and they say nothing to Him. Do the rulers know indeed that this is truly the Christ? However, we know where this Man is from; but when the Christ comes, no one knows where He is from.’

“Suddenly Jesus cried out with a loud voice in the temple, saying, ‘You both know Me, and you know where I am from; and I have not come of Myself, but He who sent Me is true, whom you do not know. But I know Him, for I am from Him, and He sent Me.’

“Why, Polycarp, I was afraid they would overtake Him. They rushed forward to seize Him, but again no one was able to lay a hand on Him. And why?”

Polycarp looked up. “Because His hour had not yet come?”

John nodded. “Many witnessed this and believed in Him, and said, ‘When the Christ comes, will He do more signs than these which this Man has done?’ The Pharisees heard the crowd discussing Him, and they and the chief priests sent officers to take Him.

“Jesus told them, ‘I shall be with you a little while longer, and then I go to Him who sent Me. You will seek Me and not find Me, and where I am you cannot come.’

“When I reflected on this I could hardly believe I had missed it and wondered what else I could have concluded from such a prophecy. The Jews said among themselves, ‘Where does He intend to go that we shall not find Him? Does He intend to go to the Dispersion among the Greeks and teach the Greeks? What is this thing that He said, “You will seek Me and not find Me, and where I am you cannot come”?’

“On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, ‘If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’ I know now, of course, that He was referring to the Holy Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; but the Spirit had not yet been given, because Jesus had not yet been glorified.

“Therefore many from the crowd said, ‘Truly this is the Prophet.’

“Others said, ‘This is the Christ.’

“But some said, ‘Will the Christ come out of Galilee? Has not the Scripture said that the Christ comes from the seed of David and from the town of Bethlehem, where David was?’ So there was a division among the people because of Him. Now some of them wanted to take Him, but no one laid hands on Him.

“As you can imagine, Polycarp, the chief priests and Pharisees lost patience with the officers and demanded, ‘Why have you not brought Him?’

“The officers said, ‘No man ever spoke like this Man!’

“The Pharisees said, ‘Are you also deceived?’ and said, in essence, that none of the rulers or the Pharisees believed in Him. ‘But this crowd that does not know the law,’ they said, ‘is accursed.’

“As the Pharisees stood heatedly discussing this, I recognized the snow-white beard and regal bearing of the one who had come to Jesus by night. Nicodemus asked his colleagues, ‘Does our law judge a man before it hears him and knows what he is doing?’

“The rest grew infuriated with Nicodemus and said, ‘Are you also from Galilee? Search and look, for no prophet has arisen out of Galilee.’”

In his mind, John was still talking, images swirling, memories cascading. And yet now this felt like a dream. He was vaguely aware that he was stretched out fully on his back, and he wondered if Polycarp remained able to hear and understand him.

John’s breathing was labored, his chest was tight, and he tried to roll up onto his side so the young man would have no trouble deciphering his words. And yet he felt confused. Was he dreaming, or was he still working? He forced open an eye and squinted against even the low light of the two lamps illuminating Polycarp’s writing area.

“You wanted to continue until you slept, sir,” the young man said. “I believe that time has come.”

“No. No. I am all right. We can continue.”

Yet several minutes later John roused and realized he had said nothing more. The room was dark. Polycarp was gone. And John’s blanket had been pulled up to just under his chin. Though he felt miserable, the old man reached for the elusive comfort of sleep, grateful for friends.

B
y Saturday morning John was seriously ill. And with much of the house staff still observing the Sabbath, only Ignatius and Polycarp and a few others were able to attend him. Though he still kept from them the truth about the pain in his chest, John could not deny that he had lost his appetite, his bones and muscles ached, and he was short of breath. His voice was but a whisper, and he had trouble keeping his eyes open.

Against John’s wishes, Ignatius agreed with Polycarp and sent for a member of the church who was a physician. The doctor prescribed bed rest and warm food whenever John could tolerate it. John accepted fresh-baked bread and wine, yet ate and drank only a little.

Ignatius took charge and told everyone to leave John, except a young boy who would sit outside his door and call for Ignatius or Polycarp should an emergency arise. John shook his head, but no one paid any attention, and soon the room was empty and quiet. He tried to sleep but could not get comfortable, worrying that each breath would be his last. Suddenly he was desperate. There was so much more to do, so much more to tell. What if the interlopers in the previous evening were, in fact, sent by Cerinthus? Might they advance their cause by harming the true church, exposing it to authorities? John’s gospel account could be the sole opponent of the Gnostics in Ephesus. The work must continue.

“Son?” John rasped. “Lad?”

The boy crept in, looking fearful. “Did you call, rabbi? Are you well?”

“Come closer, boy. I am all right. I have need of Ignatius, if you would be so kind.”

“Shall I tell him it is urgent?”

“Just tell him to come. Thank you.”

Ignatius arrived almost instantly, rushing to John’s bed and kneeling to hear him.

“Dismiss the boy, please.”

“What? Was there a problem?”

“No. He was very attentive, but I do not have further need of him. Now do not quarrel with me, Ignatius. I remain your elder and expect you to do what I ask.”

“Of course,” Ignatius said, thanking the boy and pressing a coin into his hand before waving him off. “And now what? You would like to attend a sporting event? Run a marathon?”

John was not amused. “Closer,” he managed. And when Ignatius bent farther, John clutched at his garment and held as tight as he could. “I would have merely sent for Polycarp, because I am determined to get back to work.”

“Oh, but you must not now, teacher. You—”

John tugged harder. “Ignatius, I sent for you because I knew Polycarp would never do what I’m asking without consulting you anyway. I am telling you that I am going to lie here, and even if delirium overtakes me, I am going to continue with my account. You tell Polycarp this and inform him that if he shirks his duty, he will miss some of the heart of the story. I will have neither the time nor the strength to repeat myself.”

Ignatius whined, “Master, I do not know what to do. I am only thinking of you….”

“Stop!” John said, coughing. “You will make me only worse if you do not accede to my wishes. Now, remember who is the mentor and who is the student, and do as I say! I absolve you from all responsibility, should this exercise finish me. I fear I am soon finished anyway.”

Ignatius gently removed John’s hand from his garment. “You will not be dissuaded, I see.”

“I will not.”

“You are a stubborn man, you know.”

“The Lord Himself called me a Son of Thunder when I was but half your age. What do you expect?”

“I expect I’ll do as you ask.”

J
OHN WAS NEARLY ASLEEP
when Polycarp arrived. His eyes were shut and he was not moving, and he could tell the young man was arranging his materials as quietly as possible, so as not to interrupt the old man’s nap. John heard the squeak of the chair and Polycarp’s sigh as he settled. Ignatius whispered, “I am going into the city. If he does not rouse in a few moments, leave him to sleep.”

“I am awake,” John said, still not moving and eyes shut. “I am about to begin.”

“Well, there you are,” Ignatius said, and he took his leave.

Polycarp settled in, and John began again.

“We soon followed Jesus to the Mount of Olives. Early the next morning He came again to the temple, and a huge crowd gathered. He sat and taught them. Right in the middle of all that, the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman. They said, ‘Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?’

“They were testing Him, of course, trying to find something over which they could accuse Him. But Jesus stooped and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.”

“What did He write?” Polycarp said.

“Why, He was not really writing anything. I believe He was simply pretending to be preoccupied, as if He did not care what they were saying. If I were to guess, I would say He was forcing them to say their piece again, so it might sound as foolish to them as it did to Him.”

“When they continued pressing Him, He rose and said, ‘He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.’

“Profound,” Polycarp said.

“More than you know, son. Think it through. Do you realize what He was saying?”

“I think so.”

“I think not, not if you hear only what is on the surface. Do you not realize that He was referring to Himself yet again?”

“To Himself?”

“Yes! You see, there
was
One among them who was without sin, wasn’t there?”

Polycarp was silent a moment. Then, “You are correct, rabbi. It
is
more profound than I knew. He was giving Himself permission to be her judge and executioner, yet choosing not to act. But I do not suppose the scribes and Pharisees understood this any more than I did.”

“No, but they got His larger point. When He stooped again and wrote on the ground it was obvious those who heard Him were convicted by their consciences, and out they went one by one, beginning with the oldest, even to the last. And Jesus was left alone with the synagogue crowd, the woman before Him. He said, ‘Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?’

“She said, ‘No one, Lord.’

“And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.’

“Then Jesus began teaching again, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.’”

“The light of life,” Polycarp said. “So He is the bread, the water, and the light.”

“And much more, but all in good time. Other Pharisees said, ‘You bear witness of Yourself; Your witness is not true.’

“Jesus said, ‘Even if I bear witness of Myself, My witness is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going; but you do not know where I come from and where I am going. You judge according to the flesh; I judge no one. And yet if I do judge, My judgment is true; for I am not alone, but I am with the Father who sent Me. It is also written in your law that the testimony of two men is true. I am One who bears witness of Myself, and the Father who sent Me bears witness of Me.’

“One of them said, ‘Where is Your Father?’

“Jesus said, ‘You know neither Me nor My Father. If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also.’”

“So bold,” Polycarp said. “He must have had an aura of authority to get away with talking to them in such a manner.”

“Oh, Polycarp, you should have seen their faces. Flushed, snarling. And he was in
their
territory. But you know what is coming.”

Polycarp nodded.

“No one laid hands on Him…,” John said.

And Polycarp said, “…for His hour had not yet come.”

“But Jesus pushed further. He said, ‘I am going away, and you will seek Me, and you will die in your sin. Where I go you cannot come.’

“So the Jews wondered aloud what He meant. ‘Will He kill Himself?’ they said.

“But He told them, ‘You are from beneath; I am from above. You are of this world; I am not of this world. Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins; for if you do not believe that I am He, you will die in your sins.’

“They stared at Him, obviously incredulous. And one said, ‘Who are You?’

“And Jesus said, ‘Just what I have been saying to you from the beginning. I have many things to say and to judge concerning you, but He who sent Me is true; and I speak to the world those things which I heard from Him.’

“Did they understand that He was speaking to them of His Father?”

“No. That much is clear. Jesus said, ‘When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am He, and that I do nothing of Myself; but as My Father taught Me, I speak these things.’”

“Again He talks of being lifted up,” Polycarp said. “Did you know what He meant?”

“None of us did. Not until later, of course. Then we realized He had been quite plain. Those who had ears could have heard. And then He spoke again about Who He was, Who had sent Him, and what His mission was. He said, ‘And He who sent Me is with Me. The Father has not left Me alone, for I always do those things that please Him.’ As He spoke these words, many believed in Him.

“Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, ‘If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.’

“Then He turns His attention back to His accusers, for they have overheard this and still try to counter, saying, ‘We are Abraham’s descendants, and have never been in bondage to anyone. How can You say, “You will be made free”?’

“Jesus said, ‘Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.

“‘I know that you are Abraham’s descendants, but you seek to kill Me, because My word has no place in you. I speak what I have seen with My Father, and you do what you have seen with your father.’

“They said, ‘Abraham is our father.’

“Jesus said, ‘If you were Abraham’s children, you would do the works of Abraham. But now you seek to kill Me, a Man who has told you the truth which I heard from God. Abraham did not do this. You do the deeds of your father.’”

“Who is He saying is their father, if not Abraham?”

“He makes that clear soon. They said, ‘We were not born of fornication; we have one Father—God.’

“Jesus said, ‘If God were your Father, you would love Me, for I proceeded forth and came from God; nor have I come of Myself, but He sent Me. Why do you not understand My speech? Because you are not able to listen to My word. You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it. But because I tell the truth, you do not believe Me. Which of you convicts Me of sin? And if I tell the truth, why do you not believe Me? He who is of God hears God’s words; therefore you do not hear, because you are not of God.’

“The Jews said, ‘Do we not say rightly that You are a Samaritan and have a demon?’

“Jesus said, ‘I do not have a demon; but I honor My Father, and you dishonor Me. And I do not seek My own glory; there is One who seeks and judges. Most assuredly, I say to you, if anyone keeps My word he shall never see death.’

“Polycarp, the Jews were furious. They said, ‘Now we know that You have a demon! Abraham is dead, and the prophets; and You say, “If anyone keeps My word he shall never taste death.” Are You greater than our father Abraham, who is dead? And the prophets are dead. Who do You make Yourself out to be?’

“Jesus answered, ‘If I honor Myself, My honor is nothing. It is My Father who honors Me, of whom you say that He is your God. Yet you have not known Him, but I know Him. And if I say, “I do not know Him,” I shall be a liar like you; but I do know Him and keep His word. Your father Abraham rejoiced to see My day, and he saw it and was glad.’

“The Jews said, ‘You are not yet fifty years old, and have You seen Abraham?’

“Jesus said, ‘Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM.’”

“They must have wanted to kill him!” Polycarp said.

“Oh, they did indeed! They picked up stones to throw at Him, but Jesus hid Himself and went out through the midst of them, and so passed by.”

“He went through the midst of them? He hid in plain sight?”

“Polycarp, I was there, and I could not see Him. It was as if He had vanished into thin air.”

“Another miracle.”

“Of course, but not a sign. This I believe He did merely because His time had not yet come and He could not allow Himself to be taken by them. His next sign, the sixth, would come next.”

John still had neither moved nor opened his eyes, but he heard Polycarp set down his quill. “Oh,” John said, “we are not stopping. This next is most dramatic.”

“Of that I have no doubt, rabbi, but is this not a natural point to rest?”

“How could I rest more than to lie here as dead? If you must rest, rest, but I will remain here working. You would not want to miss any of this, would you?”

Polycarp sighed. “No, sir.”

“That’s a good lad.”

“I am nothing if not a good lad,” Polycarp said, and John opened an eye to see him dip the quill again.

“Oh, but you are so much more. Now let me proceed.”