Joshua's Folly (21 page)

Josh had to smile. He loved Marisa’s sometimes saucy nature. He hugged her to his chest and inhaled deeply. She always smelled so good. It reminded him of lavender blooming in the spring—so poetic. It was when she leaned back to look into his face that he could see her trepidation. She didn’t feel as confident as she was acting.

“Josh,” she said slowly, “Are we okay?”

Josh leaned his head back on the leather desk chair knowing he owed her an explanation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of what to say. They observed each other through wary eyes for several moments. Marisa was very perceptive and when he didn’t answer, her eyes lowered. When she looked back up at him, her eyes held a glint of tears and he knew she was holding them back. She cradled his face in her hands and she kissed him, slowly, softly, sweetly, and he couldn’t help but respond. The room was quiet as they kissed in the semi-darkness, having so much to say to each other, but neither one of them saying it.

After a long while, Josh whispered, “Everything’s fine, Marisa, don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.” He wanted so much to pull the ring out of the drawer and beg her to marry him. He wanted a life with her by his side. He wanted children with her, he wanted it all. But he didn’t say it, he knew he couldn’t.

It was time to let her go.

Marisa somehow sensed his inner struggle. It was as if she knew of the battle raging inside of him. She held his face in her hands and whispered, “It’s late, we can talk tomorrow.” Then with great emotion, she told him, “I love you, Joshua.” She stared into his eyes intently. “I love you,” she repeated. And with that she quietly left the room, taking his heart with her.

Josh continued to sit very still as his thoughts clashed inside of him. He felt as though a precious angel had just visited, bestowing her love upon him. He didn’t know why he’d never said it to her, perhaps deep down he suspected it wouldn’t work out. He was guarding his heart without even realizing it. He was waiting for the revelation that would tell him she would never stay at the ranch and he’d received it tonight. It was what he feared the most.

He closed his eyes, feeling as though his world was slipping through his fingers and there wasn’t a darn thing he could do about it.

She’d said she loved it here. She’d said she could stay here forever. Surely, she didn’t mean she wanted to live here,
really.
She’d meant it sounded…fun, unusual…a novelty. She’d meant it was fun for one summer.

He let a memory from his past overwhelm him, reinforcing his decision to let her go. He thought about the day his mother left him at the tender age of three, not in details, of course, but painful little snippets. He remembered clinging to her, crying hysterically, not wanting her to leave. His father had pried his hands off of her and taken him away, screaming. He remembered a lot of yelling and the slam of the door. He cried himself to sleep while being held in Mary’s arms. He shook his head, wishing he didn’t remember anything from the appalling incident. Unfortunately, the traumatic experience had stuck with him and shaped his life. He knew the memory of that day still haunted him and influenced his life.

His very own murky waters. And they ran deep.

He’d never heard from his mother again, not a phone call, not even a card on his birthday. Nothing. It was as if she’d disappeared off the face of the earth. He’d considered many times trying to find her. He always nixed the idea. If she’d wanted to see him, she would’ve sought him out. He’d been in the same place his whole life, after all. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know where he was.

His father’s words rung in his ears. “Women don’t like it at the ranch, Joshua. It’s too isolated. You would do well to remember that, son.”

Of course, he hadn’t listened to the well-meaning counsel. Instead, he up and married right after college. The results had been catastrophic with Elizabeth. He’d learned his lesson the hard way. He wasn’t about to repeat the experience.

He didn’t want the same thing to happen with Marisa. His life experience had taught him well. He’d just let himself forget everything for awhile, hoping things would be different with Marisa. But he was kidding himself. It was back to a solitary existence for him. He had the ranch and he had Bethany. It would have to be enough.

He had to let her go. She had dreams. She had plans.

And they didn’t include him.

How do I end this? How do I let her go?

How will she react? With joy? Maybe she’s just as worried about ending their summertime romance as he is. Maybe she realizes they’ve let things get too serious. Maybe she’ll be relieved.

Somehow he doubted it. Women don’t like to be broken up with. Who does? It will feel as though he’s rejecting her no matter how he goes about the deed—no matter how much she truly wants to leave.

In the end, she’ll be grateful. Of course she will. She’ll be free to move on with her life with a clear conscience. She won’t have to feel guilty, as though she broke his heart.

The decision was made. He would end things with Marisa tomorrow. This was the best path forward. The only way forward.

Please go quietly, Marisa. I don’t know exactly how to do this. I don’t want to hurt you, I want to let you live your life. I want you to be happy and I know you won’t be happy here. I can’t do that to you, I simply can’t. Please just accept it and go. I don’t know how to end this…

Especially when I don’t want it to end.

–13–

Having had little sleep, Marisa made her way downstairs, feeling weary beyond her years. Putting on a happy face, she entered the backyard to meet Josh for their morning jog through the Folly as usual.

He wasn’t there.

She waited for over half an hour. Finally, she asked one of the ranch hands if they’d seen him and they said he’d already left for the day. He had some early business to tend to in town. Discouraged, she went up to change for breakfast, all the while mentally reviewing the events of last evening. The first part of the evening had been absolutely perfect, but then, he’d left her and socialized with his many guests, seemingly ignoring her. Marisa couldn’t explain his behavior. Was she just being selfish? She did want him all to herself. She admitted it readily. Obviously, he couldn’t ignore his guests, what did she expect? But when she’d finally gotten up the nerve to take matters into her own hands, he’d held her on the dance floor as if it was the last time he’d ever see her. She had felt his angst, had felt the intensity of his touch. It left her feeling uneasy and she wasn’t sure why.

Due to the late night festivities, Marisa and Bethany spent a quiet day together, reading books and completing their needlepoint projects. Marisa anxiously waited for dinner that evening so she could talk to Josh and gauge his mood. When he didn’t come to dinner, a lead weight settled into the pit of her stomach.

“Constance, where’s Josh tonight?”

“Didn’t he tell you? He has quite a bit of work to catch up on, so he asked to have dinner in his office. He does that every once in awhile. He works too hard,” she chastised.

He’d never once missed dinner while she’d been visiting. It was highly unusual. He was avoiding her and she knew it. Bethany was disappointed too and expressed her discontent about missing her dad. With a heavy heart, Marisa helped Bethany with her bedtime routine and kissed her goodnight.

“Will Daddy come and tuck me in too?”

“I’ll tell him to come and give you a kiss goodnight before he goes to bed, okay?”

“Don’t forget.”

“I won’t, sweetheart.”

Marisa hadn’t seen Josh all day and he hadn’t made any attempt to see her. The thought distressed her much more than she cared to admit. What was going on? What did it mean? Was she simply being paranoid? All of these thoughts wandered around in her worried mind. Then, just as she finished reading Bethany her bedtime story, Constance came up to tell her that Mister Joshua had asked that she please come to his office.

How very formal. She’d never been summoned to ‘Mister Joshua’s’ office before and she suddenly felt like a child on the way to the principal’s office. Well, at least he wanted to see her. She’d planned on barging in on him once Bethany was asleep anyway. And she wasn’t going to knock either.

However, being summoned as she had, when she got to his door, she lost her nerve and politely knocked, cursing herself for lack of courage.

I like being the one person in your life who doesn’t have to knock.

Marisa hated feeling so distant from Josh.

“Come in.”

He was seated at his desk, seemingly engrossed in paperwork and didn’t even glance up at her.

A sliver of apprehension washed over her. He jotted down a few notes on the paper in front of him, and then as if she was an afterthought said, “Oh, Marisa…” He casually thumbed through a stack of paper and found what he was looking for. Not meeting her eyes, he held the paper in his hands as he spoke.

“A good friend of mine who owns a ranch around these parts…”

That meant hundreds of miles away.

“…has his grandchildren home for a visit. He says they’re feelin’ rather lonely. He’s asked if Bethany could come and stay for a week and be a playmate for them. I feel this would be an excellent opportunity for her to be with other children—you know how much she needs that—and I trust this family implicitly, I’ve known them for years.”

Their great grandfather’s were probably best friends.

Josh continued. “So, I will no longer need your services as Bethany won’t be here.” He handed her the mysterious paper without looking at her directly. “You only had two more weeks here anyway, so you’re really not leavin’ that early. I’ve made all of the arrangements, you leave tomorrow morning,” he said calmly. “It’ll give you more time to prepare for your upcoming first grade class, so it all works out in the end.”

Marisa stared down at the ticketless travel itinerary in front of her and felt her stomach churn uneasily. Her world suddenly crashed down on top of her. What he’d just said simply wouldn’t register in her befuddled brain. She looked up at him and said, “What?” rather stupidly. He was acting so business-like, so nonchalant, as if she meant nothing, as if she really was just the hired help to him.

“I’ll pay you for those two weeks, of course. After all it was part of the arrangement. I’ll have a car ready at eight a.m. to take you to the airport, so you’d better get packed,” he said, again appearing to be completely unruffled by his announcement.

“Joshua?” she whispered, unbelieving of the bomb he’d just dropped. He finally stopped with the professional behavior act, let out his breath, and met her gaze. “You want me to leave?” she said, stunned. Just last night she was sure he would soon be proposing, that they would spend the rest of their lives together. She certainly hadn’t hidden the fact that she’d love to stay here for the rest of her life.

“We both knew this day was coming, it’s just come a little sooner than we’d planned,” he said quietly.

Marisa felt frozen in place. The shock at what he’d just said was surely evident on her face. “I don’t understand…”

“What’s not to understand?” he said with irritation. “It’s time for you to go. Please go get packed, eight a.m. comes quick.” He went back to the all-important paperwork on his desk, studying it with concentration, as if nothing was wrong with what he’d just said.

She was dismissed. He wanted her to leave. It was over. Just like that. Anger and hurt enveloped her. He owed her more than this. Slowly, she crumpled the itinerary in her hands. She stood and threw the paper on his desk. “I’m still here.” That got his attention.

“I’ll just print another one,” he said, his composure quickly slipping. Suddenly, she noticed the way his hand gripped his pen, the way his eyes flashed. He wasn’t calm. Underneath it all he was an exploding volcano. He turned to his computer and angrily pressed the print button several times. The printer began to spit out copies of her itinerary. He stood and threw the copies onto the desk in an exasperated manner, facing her with a challenge in his stance, only the desk and raging emotions between them.

She was completely taken aback at his behavior. She’d never seen him act this way and he was scaring her. She felt the sting of tears and knew she couldn’t say a word without her voice cracking miserably. She turned and headed for the door, picking up her pace when she heard his footsteps behind her.

Just as she opened the door, he slammed it hard, pinning her between himself and the closed door. He stood close behind her, his breath hot on her neck.

“Turn around,” he demanded.

“No.”

He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her around quickly. At her sharp intake of breath and wide eyes, he let out his breath heavily.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rough. I’m not handling this very well.”

Marisa looked deeply into his eyes, trying to understand what was going on. Their lips were so close she could kiss him if she wanted to—and she wanted to.

“Talk to me, please. I don’t understand. Have I done something to make you angry? What did I do wrong? Please tell me,” she pleaded.

He exhaled with apparent frustration. “You haven’t done anything, Marisa, it’s just the way it is. It’s the way things have to be.”

He’d raised his voice, so she raised hers too. “Please don’t do this. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here with you and with Bethany…”

His expression pained, he said abruptly, “No! It’s time for you to leave. I never should’ve let things get so out of hand between us, this has gone too far. It’s for the best, Marisa.” He wasn’t exactly yelling at her, but he sure as heck wasn’t speaking softly either. It was so unlike the Joshua she knew. His behavior could only be described as…agitated.

“How can you say that?” she yelled, feeling perplexed. Her mind whirled. One minute everything was perfect, a dream come true, the next he was a stranger to her, saying things that made no sense.

“Please, Marisa, don’t make a scene. We both knew this day was coming,” he urged.

“No! I don’t want to leave…” she pressed her lips to his, surprising him.