Journey to the Centre of Myself (24 page)

‘Oh, believe me, I understand complicated.’

Amber pulls her chair closer and whips off her gloves. ‘Do you want another coffee?’ she says.

‘Yeah, go on.’

She comes back with our drinks and pushes mine towards me.

‘Thanks.’

‘S’no problem. Ha, snow problem. Get it?’ She blushes. ‘Gosh sorry, that was a bit juvenile.’

‘Amber if you apologise to me once more I may actually punch you in the face.’

She places her hands on her cheeks. ‘Oh my, I did. I apologised again. I shall be very careful not to apologise to you for anything else in the future.’

‘Thank goodness for that.’

‘So if you don’t mind me asking, no Christmassy plans two days before Christmas and you said the other night you weren’t sure if you’d be married this time next year. It sounds very similar to my predicament. Are you having problems with the real Adrian?’

It’s here that I begin to open up to this younger woman, who seems to encompass everything I’m not. She’s impulsive, spontaneous, and silly. She has a joie de vive about her, a freshness that makes her seem younger than the almost thirty she tells me she is. I feel like an old forty-two, like I need to be on Ten Years Younger or some other life makeover show.

‘Karen, from what you’re telling me, I can’t see why you’re fighting to save your marriage, not if you both want different things.’

‘I’m not sure we do, though. I think we got bogged down in the general drudgery of married life when what we craved was adventure.’

‘But most people settle into
married life
as you term it. Apart from the annual holiday abroad. For most people its work, home, sleep, and then work again.’

‘But you must feel a little like that yourself? You didn’t want children.’

‘No, I don’t want children right now. I can see them in my future.’ She seems surprised as she says that, as if it’s new to her. ‘Perhaps I didn’t want them with Will. I was the same as you, though. I was bored. My marriage was so exciting at first, and then it waned off. Do you suppose with the right person, it’s not like that? That’s what I’m hoping anyway.’

‘Are your parents still together?’

‘Yes. They live in New Zealand at the moment. They’ve always travelled around because of my dad’s job. He was in the Army. They caught the travelling bug.’

‘That’s how I’d like Adrian and me to be.’

‘But my mum and dad have been like it all their life. You and Adrian haven’t had that sort of relationship and now you’re trying to change everything. You need to decide if you still want Adrian because he isn’t Arjan from twelve years ago.’

I sit back and sigh. Blow the top of my coffee. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘You and me both.’

‘You could text Steve.’

‘I could… and I might, but I’m not rushing into it because that’s what I do. Steve isn’t who I thought he was. He pretended to be someone else, and no offence, but do I want someone with all that marriage baggage? I’ve only been separated from Will for two weeks. It could be I need some time on my own. Of course, Steve could be the love of my life and I’ll miss out. It’s all such a headache.’

I nod. ‘Yes.’

‘So, will your husband be back for Christmas?’

‘I’m not sure. If his mother’s still ill, then I guess not. He’ll stay with her.’

‘Aren’t you going to help?’

‘No. We’ve never seen eye to eye and Adrian’s better off without me there, without us getting into more conversations about the future.’

‘But surely you could call a truce and be a support.’

‘I don’t want to go there, so I’m not going to.’ I snap without meaning to, but I’m irritated at the suggestion that I should drop my new life and immerse myself back in the old one because of a sick in-law.

‘I’m sorry—I spoke out of place, it’s really none of my business. Gosh, is that the time? I should get going.’ She reaches for her bag.

‘Oh, please don’t.’ I plead. ‘It’s really nice having someone to talk to, and you’re right. It’s selfish. It’s just that right now I don’t care.’

We’re silent as Amber hesitates, considering whether she is staying or going.

‘Mirelle slept with Shaun.’

My eyes widen. ‘The balding bloke? Mirelle?’

‘Yep. I got home and had to put earplugs in. I couldn’t believe it. He’s such a lovely bloke and she’s going to break his heart. She’d kicked him out by the time I got up. I asked her about him she said if I ever mentioned it again I was toast.’

‘Well, I never.’

‘So I invited him to Christmas dinner with us.’

I chuckle. ‘Oh Amber, you really do have impulse problems.’

‘I do. I just couldn’t resist. It’ll be better entertainment than watching television repeats. What are you doing for Christmas if Adrian doesn’t get back?’

‘I’ll get a microwave dinner or something. I’ve never particularly bothered with Christmas much anyway, so it doesn’t matter.’

‘You must be joking. Christmas is the best day ever. Listen I’ve plenty of food, I went a bit mad and bought enough for about ten people.’

‘You do surprise me.’

‘I know and I need to calm it down because I’ve just got my credit card statement and realised there’s only my income to pay for it now. Anyway, there’s plenty of food, so if you’re alone on Christmas Day you can come around to mine, join the madness.’

‘Oh Amber, thank you, but you barely know me.’

‘Yes, but, I reckon we have a lot in common, like the job and the Steve situation, and I feel you could be a friend. I don’t have many friends.’

‘I don’t have any.’ I sigh.

‘Yeah, you do,’ she nudges me. ‘You’ve got me. Now, will you come over for Christmas dinner rather than be alone?’

I grin. ‘Go on then. If Adrian doesn’t come home for Christmas Day, I’ll drive over to your home for waifs and strays.’

‘Yay.’ She mock claps. ‘I’m secretly hoping your husband’s mother doesn’t get better.’

‘
Amber
. That’s an awful thing to say, and it’s hardly a secret if you’re telling me.’

‘Oh… yeah.’

We finish our drinks and get up to leave.

‘So, have you got any last minute shopping to do?’ she asks me.

‘No, but I have had an idea,’ I say. ‘I don’t suppose you fancy a wander around the bookshop with me?’

While I was in the house this morning, I looked around at my home and wondered what would make me feel more comfortable about being there. If it came to it, and Adrian and I decided to travel, I needed more than my cosy bed to give me the pull to return home. I had been reminiscing about the bookshelves I used to have and after driving to the Home store nearby, I’d bought three. They are waiting at home, propped against the wall in the spare room, requiring assembly. I’ve never put anything together in my life.

‘So what are we looking for? Anything in particular?’

‘No. I just want a general look and I’ll buy anything that catches my eye. My Christmas present to myself.’

‘Ooh, I can ride off your buzz. Shop-a-hol-ic.’

‘If you’re good I might get you a book, too.’

‘Yippee,’ she says. ‘I’ll get you a basket.’

General fiction.

Biography.

Thriller.

Crime.

Books carefully placed in the basket so not to crease the pristine covers.

Any taken from the shelf and found to have a crease or tear on them are put back.

In the travel section, I gather Top-Ten’s for all the places I want to see.

Amber chooses a Christmas Chick-lit.

I think sod it and put one in the basket for myself. Maybe if I read it, I’ll get myself in a more festive mood. Amber is quite infectious. She’s singing along to the Christmas songs they’re playing in the store. She keeps picking books up, holding them in front of her face and pretending to be the books voice by saying things like, ‘Why not me Karen? Am I not pretty enough?’

After an hour and twenty minutes, I’ve finally done the rounds. We head to the tills where we have to wait in a lengthy queue of Christmas shoppers. I see people joining the queue look in my basket in horror, thinking it’ll take forever. It’s a good job it had wheels though it dragged on the carpet after about an hour.

The cashier rings them up, bags all my purchases and charges me over two hundred pounds. I’ve never treated myself like this and think back to what Adrian said. It’s not mania is it? No, I calm myself. I’m not buying just anything, and I’m aware I’m doing it. I’m actually having fun.

‘Amber?’

‘Yeah?’

‘I need to ask you a favour?’

‘No I’m not paying if you’ve forgotten your credit card.’ She winks.

‘No, it’s not that. Can you help me carry them? I didn’t think of that while we were walking around with the basket on wheels.’

Amber loads the books she’s carried into my car.

‘What’re you going to read first?’

‘That Christmas one, same as the one you got. It’ll be a change.’

‘Oh, I really like that author. She brings a Christmas book out every year. They always leave me with a lovely warm glow.’

‘Are you sure you haven’t just had too much coffee?’

‘Ha ha. Well, thank you anyway. I really enjoyed today.’

‘Yes, me too. Thanks for helping me carry the books, or I’d have had to make another trip.’

‘Yeah well, good luck with assembling the bookshelves.’

‘Oh God, I’d forgotten about those.’

‘You’ve nothing else to do, so it’ll keep you busy until Christmas.’ Amber starts hopping around to keep warm.

‘Well, if I don’t see you, have a lovely Christmas, and please think about ringing Steve.’

‘I will. I mean it, though. Don’t sit there alone at Christmas if Adrian isn’t back.’

‘I won’t.’

‘And if you ever fancy meeting up for a coffee again, give me a ring, okay?’

‘I will, thanks, Amber.’

‘Well, see ya.’

‘Hey, can I give you a lift anywhere?’

‘No, I’m fine thanks. Going to have a mooch around the Christmas fair before I go home.’

She wanders off. I put the lid down on the boot and get in my car. Then I drive to my local supermarket and buy myself a Christmas jumper. Mine has a kitten wearing a Santa hat. I buy a packet of mini mince pies and when I get back home, I settle down on the sofa with my new book. My new purchases are placed neatly on the coffee table where I keep peeking at them. I resolve to make a start on the bookshelves tomorrow and do it myself, even if they end up resembling the Leaning Tower of Pisa from the front of my Top Ten Italy book.

Chapter 26

Amber

I arrive at work early, trying not to let the smile creep over my face. Satisfied with the bit of shopping I managed yesterday, I retrieve the items out of my bag and place them around the office.

Andi walks in. ‘Oh, erm, is that a new Christmassy thing? Bit different?’

‘Yes. It’s the new craze, so I joined in. I can’t see these being classed under the fire hazard policy, can you?’

‘Not unless you try to smoke them,’ laughs Andi, in a particularly good mood.

‘Do you need me for something?’

‘Yes. I wanted to let you know that we’re getting around to completing the new structure. The financial side of things is looking a lot better now we’ve streamlined and I’ve been spending time looking at the infrastructure.’

I’ve zoned out. I want to get my decorations out before Mirelle arrives.

‘Okay.’

‘I’ve been looking at your role and we’re in a position to make the post permanent, Amber. If you’re interested?’

I stop and face her. Stability, my new buzzword. ‘Yes, I’d be very interested.’

‘Well, it has to be advertised and you must apply like anyone else. I will, however, make it an internal vacancy, with a short closing date, so hopefully that will help.’

‘Thank you so much, Andi. That’s really helpful. It would be nice to have a permanent job in the New Year.’

‘Yes, well, I heard on the grapevine about your marriage. I was sorry to hear about it, Amber. It must be very difficult, especially at this time of year.’

‘Thanks. Well, New Year… new start.’

She nods her head. ‘Right, well I better get back to it. Statistics never end!’

‘Thanks again.’

‘Merry Christmas, Amber.’

Decorations placed, I sit at my desk with the smile back on my face. That would be great. A permanent job. A steady monthly income. Knowing I can pay my bills. I still need to consider my drunken outburst, and if I want to keep the house or let Will have it. I need to spend some time working out my own finances. Gosh, I’m growing up.

Then Mirelle walks in.

She looks around the office, decorated with tiny Trolls.

‘Oh get stuffed,’ she says and throws her bag down.