Judas (15 page)

One day. His attention turned to her as she re-entered the room, wearing leggins and an oversized sweater. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail that draped down her back. God, she was beautiful. He had never seen her like this.

              “So, what's up?” she asked, sipping the hot coffee.

He cleared his throat, forcing his thoughts back to the conversation he needed to have with her. “I needed to talk to you about my current situation. I need some help,” he told her.

“Start spilling. I'm listening,” she shrugged.

He shifted in his seat, already uncomfortable and not sure where to begin. “Alright. It's like this. I need to figure out some other options to keep me from triggering. I still need you, but I need to get this under control,”

She made a face, “It getting worse or something?”

“No,
not exactly. I've kept myself in check. For now,” he sighed. “Look, I had been using an agency to send me one of their girls when I needed to take the edge off.” She raised a brow but didn't comment as he continued. “It was only about once a week or so and it helped. Otherwise you'd have seen me a lot more often and in worse shape.”

             
She cleared her throat and started, “First of all, kinda pisses me off you didn't mention that before. Okay, I get it, I'm one of them, but we have a contract and I think I should have been told. But, whatever.” Her blue eyes were darker now, but she continued, “Second. Why aren't you using them anymore if they helped?”

“My wife is pregnant, Jaime. I guess... I guess I just want to be the best husband and father I can be. I want to be worthy of them. And the outcalls I got really weren't any of your business. There was no reason to tell you.” He was being honest but trying to not be too brutal. He needed her help, and he had never opened up to her like this before. Actually, he couldn't even recall the last actual conversation the two had shared.

              “Well, congrats on making a kid, but you can't deny what you are. It's part of you, so if you're trying to redeem yourself, good luck. You can't squash this. You have to overcome it. You need to talk to a professional,” she told him.

He shook his head. “You know that's not an option. I can't risk my career. My whole reputation is on the line here.”

“Then squashing it is,” she frowned. “If you can't use the agency, then use me. I will come to you whenever, wherever. You know that.”

He groaned. “No, Jai. The point is to not be with other women. The only one I want is my wife. Granted, I'll still come to you when I need you, but I'd rather not need you at all.” He knew the words stung.

              She had been in his life for four years. She was barely eighteen when he had found her.

She stood and walked into the kitchen without a word. When she returned, she handed him a small metal vial, attached to a thin chain. He remembered it being around her neck on occasion when he visited. “What is this?” he asked, confused.

“Something to take the edge off. Use it if you need it,” she said, climbing on his lap to straddle him.

He twisted off the lid and peeked inside. Cocaine. She handed him cocaine. He looked up at her and shook his head. “No, that's not an option. I'm not going to consider it,” he said, placing it back in her hand.

“J, look, I know you don't want to but it might be your only choice. I don't know of anything else to help you relax,” she said as she draped the chain around his neck.

             
“Thank you, Jaime,” he finally spoke. A thousand wrongs and rights blared in his head as he considered his options. Option. This was the only one available at the moment and since it didn't involve another woman, he would try it. He spoke to her only a few more minutes before pushing her aside and standing to go.

“Remember, J. I'm only a phone call away. I mean that,” she told him as he walked out the door. He had hoped for a solution that didn't involve more secrets. That was too much to ask.

             
She slipped into bed beside him, leaving her thin gown draped over the nearby chair. She had finally given up wearing anything to bed because it wouldn't stay there long. He was tucked in comfortably but wasn't sleeping. “I missed you at the office today,” he quietly teased.
For a second, she almost felt embarrassed but she just smiled, brushing it off. “I'm glad you enjoyed it,” she said softly.
“I'll admit, you caught me off guard. You were hot, doll.”
She grinned over at him. “Blame the hormones. I can't seem to get enough of you lately.”
He chuckled as he reached over to stroke her thigh. “Good, because I will never have enough of you. I always want you.”
              She always melted when he spoke to her like that. His voice was masculine and sensual, and he made her feel incredibly sexy. “Yeah?”
“Mhmm,” he answered, leaning in to kiss her lips.
She returned the soft kiss, finishing with a heated sweep of her tongue across his lower lip as she pulled away. “Fuck me, Judas,” she commanded in barely more than a whisper, not expecting his response. He froze.
“No.” His eyes went dark, and she could see his expression change.
She was confused now. His mood changed in an instant.
              “What is it, love?” she asked softly, trying to keep her composure. “Did I upset you?”
“Nothing, doll. Bold words don't suit you, is all,” he said, avoiding her gaze.
She shook her head, “What is that supposed to mean? I said what was on my mind. Now I feel like an idiot.” She wanted to shake him. He had opened up so much and they were starting to explore some, yet three words had stopped him in his tracks. She wasn't sure if she was hurt or sorry but as she looked at him, she could see that he was conflicted.
He pulled her against him, and kissed her softly. “I'm sorry. I'll try to not react. I want you to speak your mind, Adessa,” he assured her.
She wasn't convinced. His tone was even but his face held no expression as he spoke. Something was bothering him.
              “How can I speak my mind if I don't know what will upset you?” she asked. It was an honest question.
“I'm just not used to your boldness. It arouses me and makes me want to do the things I can't,” he said in a pained whisper.
“Judas, I'm not fragile. I promise I'll let you know if something hurts me. Please try?” she tried to reassure him.

He was quiet for several moments, leaving dead silence in the room, save for the cold wind that whipped outside. “I won't be taking that chance. Especially not now,” he said, sliding his hand down her rips until his palm came to rest flat against her belly. “Besides, it's not just you that I consider.”

              She smiled and placed her hand over his. It was hard to argue with him when he was so loving. He was terrified something would happen to her, or to their baby, and given his history, she understood his fear. She wanted so much to tell him what she was but he had calmed some, and she didn't want to upset him. She let it go, resolving to work on a more solid plan for getting what she needed from him. It was obvious that he was afraid, and she would need to either force the issue, or give up.

             
Neither were good options. If she forced the issue, she risked him becoming angry, which she was beginning to learn, would push him into the arms of Jaime. If she gave up, she would have to live with a husband who was so afraid of her that he would go to Jaime to get what he really needed. She finally fell asleep beside him, with his hand still resting protectively against their baby.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The only sound in the room was the ticking of the antique clock that hung on the wall above his head. With the ink pen still lodged between his fingers, he closed his eyes and began to massage his temples. He was already nearly an hour late. She would be worried. He should call her. The day had already drained him, just like the several before. He should be home, drinking coffee and deep in conversation with his wife, but he wasn't. He was still reading and re-reading the same pages trying to make them make sense.
              He had won another major case by the skin of his teeth but there was still work to be done. Why couldn't he focus? His mind was dragging him around by his hair and all he wanted was to have a solid night of sleep and a hot meal. And his wife. Yet here he was. Thinking, about that damn vial. His hand moved instinctively over the lump in his pocket where he kept it. No. It wasn't an option. He couldn't let it be. He knew if he removed the lid, there would be no going back. What was the point, anyway? There weren't enough drugs in the world to fix him. He was a monster and monsters should be put down.
              He barely heard Carrie come in. She flashed a warm smile as she dropped a fresh stack of papers on his desk. “ Here's the last stack. All due by tomorrow.”
He grumbled under his breath, “Thank you, Carrie.” He saw her glance at the clock. “ You can go on home. I'll finish up here.”
She gave a mock salute, “Thank you, sir.”
He shook his head, giving a weak smile. “Are you ever going to use my name?”
“I do all the time, sir,” she grinned.
He rolled his eyes, “That's not what I meant. Talking about me doesn't count.”

             
“Will you fuck me, Mr. Quinn?” The question came out of nowhere, hitting him with the force of a speeding bus.

“What?” he stammered, his eyes instantly locking onto hers.

She smiled a seductive, yet innocent smile. “Just throwing it out there.”

He blinked in confusion. “Just throwing it out there? Carrie, I'm your boss. I don't think that's a good idea.”

“You can fire me if you want, I guess I deserve it,” she pouted, but he could tell the question had been worth it to her if he did.

He shook his head, not sure how to handle this. “I'm not going to fire you. But what brought that on? You're happily married, and you're my wife's friend,” he reasoned.

              She lowered her eyes. “I wouldn't say happily married. It was an arrangement of sorts. But I have noticed the absence of women flowing through and I thought I'd offer. It has nothing to do with Adessa. I do like her. I don't mean any disrespect.”

He took a deep breath and rolled her words around his thick brain with all the other shit on his mind. “Look, Carrie, I stopped seeing other women because the only one I want is my wife. I am flattered that you have a crush on me, but I can't allow our relationship to become anything but
professional.” He had never seen her as an option and he wouldn't do so now. They would both just forget this even happened and move on.
              They talked for a few more minutes and then she was gone. He was alone, and up to his ears. He would be lucky to make it home before bedtime now. He groaned and finally called Adessa to tell her he would be late. The disappointment in her voice was clear but she didn't protest. She was tired from her own day and had planned an early night anyway.

He just hoped she wasn't overdoing it. He hung up the phone and sat there staring at it. His mind wandered back to Carrie's offer. No. He owed it to Adessa to stop. He owed it to Adessa to get better. He owed it to Adessa to do all he could to make her proud. He owed it to her to snort coke. NO.
              The alarm bells were sounding in his head again. He couldn't think like that. It was an option. Might even be the only one he had, but it wasn't a good one and certainly no worse than the status quo. He kicked himself around over it, going over the pros and cons and even though the bad had outweighed the good, he reasoned that the coke might actually help and if it did, his wife and their life together would be safe. It was worth whatever it took. She had went out of her way to paint a clear target on herself and he had to protect her at all costs.
              He locked up just after dark and he knew his wife was already in bed. She had been more tired lately as their baby grew inside of her and though she was taking her vitamins, she was also still working and she needed her rest. She had gained a few more pounds and her belly had begun swell. It was the sexiest sight in the world to him and he had to force himself to even allow her to sleep at night. All he could think of was making love to her and with the absence of anyone else in his life, the task had not been an easy one. He needed her, but he also needed the other releases as well. He knew it would build to this and now that it had, there was no choice but to take care of it.