Juilliard or Else (26 page)

"Come on, you." Tucker scooped me up and tossed me over his shoulder. I slapped his butt.

"Hey. No touching," he said as he grabbed both my butt cheeks and squeezed. Tucker tossed me on my bed as I wiggled out of my borrowed clothes. I wasn't surprised at all when I watched him strip down to his black boxers and climbed into bed with me.

Oh wow. He's nice looking just in black boxers. Yummy!

Tucker snuggled deep in my back and once my head hit the pillow, I was gone.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I barely had enough strength to open up one of my eyelids as the blasting sunlight streamed in my windows and caused this throbbing pain in my head. A body pressed into my back. I sat up in such a rush that I got dizzy and my head hit the pillow again. Then I remembered.

"Oh Shit!" I screamed and threw the covers off me and all onto Tucker. I stumbled into the bathroom with my leotard and changed.

Oh, I looked like hell.

I hurriedly brushed my teeth and grabbed elastic for my crazy hair. I had to be there at eight sharp or earlier. It was seven forty-five.

"Bye!" I called back to Tucker as I left my room with my ballet bag and ran out the door. I ran my heart out to Juilliard, I was completely out of breath when I reached the front doors and ran down the long hallway that seemed like it went on forever. Jasmine was standing at the door with her arms crossed and one brow arched at me. She didn't wait for me and hold the door open, but rather slammed in my face. I pulled it open and the music was playing in the room. The other dancers were all lined up at the barre ready to go.

Oh crap. I'm too late.

"Abigail!" My back straightened at the shrill sound of Madame Ava's voice and I dropped my bag.

"Yes, Madame Ava?"

She came up from behind me, silent like a poisonous spider ready to attack at any given moment. "Why do you think I should let you audition today?" Madame Ava asked as she circled around me. Her hands clasped together at her back.

"I'm sorry, Madame Ava. I overslept."

She stopped in front of my face. Her eyes were just as cruel as Carol's when I disappointed her. "This is your warning, Abigail. Get in line right now and this will not happen again."

I let out a huge sigh of relief.

By the time I had my slippers on, I went and stood in the fifth position at the barre. Madame Ava told us that we were to perform a single dance of one of the most popular scenes of
Swan Lake
. Not only would we be judged on how we presented our face, but our posture, legs, arms, and while on pointe, too. One little thing we forgot or did wrong could cost us the part. I'd practiced my scene with Ramón so many times; I even had my triple pirouette down, perfectly, thanks to Madame Ava.

Jasmine went first, setting the scene high with perfect dance moves. People were actually in awe as her feet quietly hit the floor. No sound. That's what a perfect ballerina does – if you can make your feet move and hop with no noise as you land. Jon was next; he wouldn't get the main part, but he would be the dancer to be with Odette/Odile during the scenes that needed him. Sadie was after Jon and her moves were just about as perfect as Jasmine's, until the very end when she stumbled and had to regain her footing. She just lost it. Mary was next and she was probably the worst so far in the group; she lost her footing and had to start over twice. I watched as Madame Ava made it clear that she made a big X on the clip board.

Fifth in line and now it was my turn. I started out great; my middle was awesome and I ended my triple pirouette with grace and closed very nicely. Even with a pounding headache, I was quite proud. I loved when I was proud of myself when it was something I'd worked so hard to accomplish. We were excused into the hall as Madame Ava went through our names and decided who would best fit the part, saying she would post the paper on the door. I took off my slippers and grabbed my bag to go into the hallway. I spotted Tucker standing there with his back up against some lockers. His smiled faded when he saw me and held open his arms, into which I gladly went. Breathing in his usual Tucker scent of cigarette and leather, I was so grateful he was here.

"Hey Tucker." I pulled away from him to see Jasmine standing behind us. He didn't say anything to her, but I heard his breathing pick up as I faced her. I crossed my arms over my chest, and Tucker took hold of my hips to press me into him.

"What Jasmine?" I snipped.

"Just wanted to say hi to Tucker." His hands tightened on my hips so I took charge.

"You said it. So what do you really want?"

Jasmine's eyes narrowed at me. "Geez Abigail, you don't need to be rude. You hear how rude she is, Tucker?"

"I'm not. I'm honest and honestly… I don't like you," I said, standing my ground. She might be the best ballet dancer in class, but Tucker was mine. I didn't want to share with her.

"I heard her," Tucker said behind me. That made me smile. "I like it when she's feisty," He said, kissing and softly biting my shoulder.

The door to the ballet room opened and Madame Ava stepped out.

"Abigail, may I speak with you?"

I pulled away from Tucker. "Yes, Madame Ava." I picked up my ballet bag and followed her back into the studio. She softly shut the door and faced me.

"Abigail, here's the list. I want you to read it first." She handed me a piece of paper. Why was she doing this? Did I get the part? Butterflies roamed my stomach as I read the paper. And that's when it hit me right square in my chest. My heart started to constrict with the worst feeling ever. Seeing the line up sheet of the parts, and it big bold letters it read:

Jasmine Carter: Odette/Odile

Abigail McCall: Understudy for Odette/Odile

My eyes filled with tears and gushed down my face, dropping the paper as if it was on fire, and then I ran from the room. I passed Tucker crying. I also passed Jade and Rachel who surprised me outside, but I still didn't stop. He chased me all the way home, yelling at me to stop. I eventually dropped my ballet bag in the process to run away from him faster. I pushed the button in the elevator, with Tucker hot on my heels. He appeared as the doors slid shut, his face flushed from the heat of the run, but I couldn't stop my feet. I made it to my apartment in one huge crying mess.

I wanted to be alone in the dark. I was so humiliated at myself. I practiced so hard for that spot. I wanted it more than anything and I didn't get it. Suddenly, my stomach did that nasty turn I dreaded. Running to my bedroom, straight in the bathroom right before my nerves set on edge, I threw up in the toilet. I hated myself for this. I hated the fact that I threw up every time I made myself get so upset. I sobbed in the toilet bowl as I threw up again and again until nothing came out, and my stomach cramped up as I took in deep breaths.

"Gabs?" Tucker called from in my room.

Oh crap. He can't see me like this.
I hurried and flushed the toilet, but I was so sick to my stomach, I couldn't get up from the floor, being way too dizzy. I listened to his steps getting closer to the bathroom, then his shoes echoed on the tile and that's when he saw me. The
real
me.

"Damn, Gabs, what's wrong?"

I shut my eyes. I couldn't look at him. I was so ashamed of myself; I didn't get the part in
Swan Lake
, and now Tucker was here with me after I'd made myself throw up. I couldn't stop the tears this time.

"You're so pale. Are you sick?" Tucker pulled my body up and swept away the sweaty strands of hair that was stuck to my forehead. He practically dragged me over to the double sink and rinsed my face like a sick child, which was something I never had done to me when I was little and sick.

"I screwed up," I cried. "I screwed up so bad."

"Shhh…baby girl. Tell me what's wrong."

"I didn't get the part. Instead I overslept; I got drunk and partied all night long with you and I didn't get the part I've practiced for, for the longest time." My head fell on his shoulder and I cried. Tucker rubbed my back and tried his best to sooth my comfort.

"Is that why you were throwing up? Are you hung over?"

I didn't want to lie to him. He was already keeping things from me, and I didn't want to keep anything from him. I felt like I couldn't let the barrier grow between us.

"No, I did it. I do that when I get upset," I mumbled out, ashamed of myself.

"You make yourself throw up? Like an…eating disorder?"

"It's not an eating disorder. It was at first, and now it's just something my body does on its own. I hate it so bad; I feel like I can't control it anymore. It's taken control of me."

Tucker didn't say anything as I explained how it all started with Carol, the most evil stepmother anyone dreaded having in their life. It all started with my weight because Carol assumed I was overweight. Now I was here and it only happened when Carol got me so upset about something, I always found myself in my bathroom, hugging my toilet like a life support.

Tucker picked me up in his strong arms and took me into my bedroom. I let him strip me down to my leotard, but I had enough strength to change into something more comfortable. I climbed back into bed and I didn't care that Tucker stripped down to his boxers again just to hold me close as I silently cried.

I vowed to myself that I would be in that studio day in and day out. Tucker gently wiped my face. He kissed my cheek, the back of my neck and shoulder, still trying to bring me some comfort.

"Gabs, I'm sorry that I didn't take better care of you last night. I should have stopped and taken you home last night to let you rest. I know how important this was to you and I've failed you."

I cried harder but made no noise as he told me this. He was blaming himself that I was so upset at not getting this part. It wasn't his fault; it was mine for being so irresponsible and being out late, drinking, and having fun.

"I'm glad you told me about your throwing up thing, though." I had to laugh at the way he said that. "But promise me that you'll try and not do that. I know it can't be healthy for you." I just nodded my head to him and he kissed my shoulder over and over again. His fingertips lightly tickled my neck and back. I was so exhausted and didn't have any strength left. I was paying for what my friend and I considered fun by not getting the part I worked so hard for. I listened to Tucker's breaths and when they finally evened out, I fell asleep, feeling a little better and more comforted than I'd ever been in all my life.

When I woke up, Tucker was still there, so we talked some more about my little problem. Tucker told me to just breathe whenever Carol called me; she couldn't do any harm to me. That made me snort. He explained how dangerous it was when I did that to myself; he didn't want me to hurt on the inside and to talk to him whenever I needed to vent – said that I could trust him. The more I was with Tucker, the more I liked him and the feelings were just getting stronger.

That made me smile.

I still couldn't believe I didn't get that damn part. I hated myself when I saw Jasmine's name up as Odette/Odile and I was the understudy. The thought of being the understudy irritated me to no end. I spun around and around in the mirror up on pointe, missing that last balance as I tried to position my legs just right at the end.

Stomping my foot as I grunted, the room echoed from my frustration. I wasn't getting it; the more and harder I tried, my body wouldn't complete my turn. I was getting so aggravated with myself for being the damn understudy!