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Mitchell got a strange, sinking feeling. Were the notes from Tadd? Was that what it was all about? Was that why Tadd was being so nice to him? Why Tadd had ...?

They stepped out of the classroom together, Tadd holding the door for Mitchell, and Mitchell suddenly felt that he had done something very wrong. He shouldn’t have pushed Tadd away from him the way he had. But could Tadd really be gay?

Mitchell tried to catch his breath. His heart was pounding, and he shook his head.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Nothing to worry about?”

“No — thanks to you, Tadd. And really, I do appreciate it.”

“Are we still cool for Saturday?”

“Yeah. Sure, Tadd. Absolutely.”

Mitchell walked away from Tadd in a daze.

Someone called out to him. “There you are!” It was Luke, skipping up behind him. “How the hell did you get into the building?”

“I came in a few minutes ago,” Mitchell said, and the two of them walked toward Mitchell’s locker in silence. When Mitchell opened it, Luke leaned forwards and began to speak in a low voice.

“I was waiting for you, because I want to see — just to say. Yesterday, Mitch. I mean ... if this thing comes out ....” Luke turned around and glanced over his shoulder, “if you’re going to out yourself, Mitch. Tell people you’re gay. Then I can’t be part of that. I can’t be your friend. You understand that?”

Mitchell stopped what he was doing and stood in silence. He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to control himself. He felt like turning on Luke, like turning on him and pushing him to the floor, like spitting on him. What a fuckhead. Hell, they had been friends all their lives, and then this, telling him that their friendship was over if he ....

He pushed the books he needed into his pack and closed the door, unable even to turn and face Luke.

“See you at lunch?” Luke said.

“I’d say so,” Mitchell muttered. And then he turned to watch Luke walking away. He saw Luke raise his hand in a confident greeting to Ben, and then walk on as though he didn’t have a care in the world, bouncing on his toes and wearing his tight jeans today. Mitchell watched until he had turned the corner and was gone.

The following few days passed as smoothly as Mitchell could have hoped. There was a definite cooling off in his relations with Luke. The two of them barely spoke, but apart from that it was school as usual, training as usual. The only thing that really seemed to have changed was Tadd. He was back to his normal self, not being overly nice, not talking much to Mitchell, and whoever had been posting the letters into Mitchell’s locker had stopped.

Mitchell figured it couldn’t have been Tadd. Tadd had had a string of girlfriends for years, and now, when they were in the showers, Tadd wasn’t looking at Mitchell at all; he barely even spoke to him.

No. It couldn’t have been Tadd. Most likely it was Robby Michaels, or Mason, trying to make trouble for him and getting the result they wanted. Mitchell resolved to ignore the notes if he got any more, and he thought he should shred the ones he had in his pack, though he didn’t actually do this.

25

It wasn’t until ten on Saturday that Mitchell remembered Tadd would be coming to study in the afternoon. And as he remembered this, he realized that Jake Walker would be moving in today. Mitchell had spoken to his father about Jake, had said it was okay for him to move in, though he hadn’t said anything to his father about not wanting to see the two of them touching each other. He didn’t know how to say this. The main thing that surprised him was that Pete was okay with it. Mitchell had often thought that Pete must be gay, though since this thing with their parents he had started to have his doubts. Pete had voiced some pretty strong opinions to his father, though still .... Hell, Mitchell should speak to Pete. That would be better than speaking with his dad, and if he told Pete he was gay, then it wasn’t like Pete would out him to anyone. Pete wouldn’t do that.

Mitchell spent the rest of the morning helping Jake Walker move his stuff in. Jake had given up his apartment and had quite a bit of furniture that had to be stored in the garage. Now that his mom’s car had gone, there was plenty of room, though Pete was grumbling about wanting to get a car of his own.

Mitchell’s father told Pete that he ought to be in college, that this gap year he was taking was a waste of time. And Mitchell knew Pete wasn’t doing anything, simply hanging around with his friends, and probably (though Mitchell still wasn’t sure) doing drugs. His father had said to Pete more than once that he was a drain on the household income, though he hadn’t said anything like that since the divorce had first been mentioned.

By one-thirty, Jake Walker was in Mitchell’s parents’ bedroom, hanging up his clothes in his mother’s half of the robe. Mitchell felt a sick, sinking feeling. He didn’t really know this guy, and now, here he was, taking the place of Mitchell’s mother. If it got to two-fifteen and Jake Walker was still in his parents’ bedroom, Mitchell was going to have to go in there and ask him to go downstairs, tell him he had a buddy coming over and he didn’t want the guy to see Jake in his parents’ bedroom.

As it turned out, he had to do this. He left it to two-twenty, and then walked into his parents’ bedroom. Jake was in the robe.

“Hey,” Mitchell said.

“Oh, hi. How’re you going?”

“Fine.”

“This must be pretty hard for you.”

Mitchell didn’t say anything.

“I’m not going to cause any trouble, Mitchell, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Mitchell didn’t know how to reply to him. Jake was pretty hot, dark-haired like Tadd though his face was long, and he had dark stubble and dark hairs on his arms. Had his father and Jake ...?

“Did you want to say something to me?”

Mitchell swallowed and tried to begin. “I’ve got ... in a couple of minutes, one of my friends from school is coming over. We’re going to do some study. I’d rather it if he didn’t know ....”

“You want me downstairs?”

“Is that okay?”

“I can take off for a couple of hours if you want.”

“No. I mean—” Mitchell wished he would. “If you could just be downstairs ... like Dad said we were just going to make out like you’re a housekeeper — a cook and so on. That’s what he said to me.”

“Sure, Mitchell. I don’t want to cause any problems for you.” He left what he was doing and followed Mitchell out of the room. “What are you studying?”

“Calculus.”

“Oh, well. Don’t ask me for help. I wouldn’t have the first clue.”

“It’s not that hard.”

“You’re talking to someone who didn’t even take math.”

Mitchell smiled. “Are you serious?”

“You bet. I’m an artist. I mean — not like a painter. I’m just an artist in general. That’s how I think of myself.”

“What do you do?”

“I sing. I dance. I draw. I write poetry — none of it for money, that’s not what I mean. I’m just an artist in my soul.”

“Oh.”

At this moment the bell rang and Mitchell started down the stairs to answer it.

26

Tadd was on the doorstep with a puppy in his hands, a little border collie. He held him out to Mitchell. “For you.”

Mitchell was surprised and confused. He took the puppy, which was bubbling with energy, squirming, and turning his head up to lick Mitchell’s face.

“If it’s too soon. If you don’t want him. I can take him back. I made sure they’d take him back.”

“Is he a pure breed?”

“Yeah.”

Tadd had a leash on him and he handed the leash to Mitchell. Mitchell put the puppy down and Tadd hesitated, looking at Mitchell as though he was worried whether he’d done the right thing or not.

“I can’t take him, Tadd.”

“I thought you might say that.”

“No. I mean — how much do I owe you? What did he cost?”

“I’m not going to tell you that. He’s a gift, Mitchell. I picked him out myself — thought you might prefer a male, after Sally ...”

Mitchell nodded and swallowed. The two of them stood there looking at each other and Mitchell felt a strange tingling sensation in his body the like of which he’d never felt before. He took a deep breath, lifting his chest, and then exhaled.

“Shit, Tadd. How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing.”

“No. I mean — for everything. For the guys on the team, for keeping me in with them. I mean, shit, Tadd.” Mitchell felt like crying. If Tadd hugged him now, Mitchell supposed he might melt.

“So ... you going to keep him?”

Mitchell took another deep breath. “You bet.” He picked up the puppy and held him up to his face, letting the little dog lick him all over.

“Are you going to let me in?”

“Yeah. Sorry,” Mitchell said. He put the puppy down and tugged him on his leash, though the dog wanted to go everywhere except in the one direction. Tadd closed the door and Mitchell asked him if he wanted to go out the back, play with the puppy for a while.

“Sure.”

Mitchell opened the back door and Pete was on the deck.

“What’s this?” Pete said.

“A new member of the family.”

“Another one.”

Mitchell swallowed. Tadd was closing the sliding door.

“Is he a pure breed?”

“Yeah,” Mitchell said.

“Hell, that must have cost a pretty penny.”

“He’s a gift,” Tadd said.

Pete got up and Tadd shook hands with him as they introduced themselves to one another. “I remember you from school,” Pete said. “I don’t think I ever talked to you, though.”

“No. I don’t think so.”

Mitchell picked the puppy up and carried him down to the lawn. Tadd and Pete followed. And soon the three of them were playing with the little dog, trying to teach him catch. Pete went inside and found some of Sally’s old toys, and when he came back out again he said he’d look after the dog while Mitchell and Tadd went upstairs to study.

“So what are you going to call him?” Tadd said, as Mitchell was clearing off his desk.

“I don’t know. I’m going to have to think about it.”

“Are you okay with it, really — after .... You don’t know how bad I feel about that, Mitch.”

Mitchell nodded. He walked through the bathroom and got Pete’s chair and the two of them sat down side by side. Somehow, they were closer than they had been last week. Mitchell’s shoulder was touching Tadd’s, and every time Tadd moved to write something, his arm was sliding against Mitchell’s. Mitchell thought Tadd should move over a little, because really, he was crowding him. Mitchell was hard up against the leg of the desk and couldn’t move his chair away. Somehow as the hour wore on, Mitchell and Tadd’s thighs came into contact, and then they were sliding up and down against each other while Mitchell tried to explain. Mitchell had a hard-on, and he was finding it difficult to concentrate. He dropped his pencil. It fell into Tadd’s lap. And as Mitchell looked down he saw Tadd’s gear bulging in his jeans, like Tadd had a hard-on in there, wrapped tightly into the denim.

Mitchell moved his hand to pick up the pencil, then realized he couldn’t do that. Tadd picked it up and handed it to Mitchell, and Mitchell saw that he was blushing. Mitchell’s heart started to pound, and he could feel the pulse beating in his ear. Tadd’s deodorant was almost overwhelming. Mitchell felt as though he could sink to the floor, weak, and simply lay there, in some sort of ecstasy.

What would it be like to sink his face into Tadd’s groin? To press his face up against the denim and feel Tadd’s hard cock trying to escape from its cage. Mitchell breathed a little deeper and tried to get a handle on himself. They turned the page, onto a new chapter, and Mitchell began explaining, trying to put all thoughts of Tadd out of his mind.

Tadd wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be. And yet ....

They started on another set of examples, and then, before Mitchell knew it, two hours were up. Mitchell felt as though he could sit there and keep going for another hour, but Tadd said suddenly, “I’m beat.” He stretched, raising his arms above his head and expanding his chest so that it was pressed into Mitchell’s shoulder. As Tadd lowered his arms, he put one arm over Mitchell’s shoulder and tried to draw him a little closer to him. “Thanks, buddy.”

Instinctively, Mitchell pulled away. And then he was chiding himself, telling himself that he had done it again, that he had pulled away from Tadd.

But did he really like Tadd?

Mitchell lowered his head and shook it, as though he was trying to get water out of his ears.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Mitchell said, turning to face Tadd. And there it was again. That look. Tadd looking at him intently and meaning what?

Tadd pushed his chair back and got up with one hand on the back of Mitchell’s neck. And then he wasn’t touching Mitchell anymore and Mitchell felt like he should say something — like he should say ... what? If Tadd was gay — if Tadd really did like him — then how the hell would Mitchell ever be able to say anything to him about it?

Mitchell got up from the desk.

“I’ve got another new girlfriend.”

“Yeah?”

“Amanda Wilson.”

Mitchell tried to place who this was, and then he had it. One of the girls who was a cheerleader. One of the in crowd.

“I don’t think it’s going to work out. I can see that already.”

Mitchell nodded. And frowned. “Do you want a coffee or something? If you’ve got time, we could go out the back and play with the puppy again.”

“I’ve got to go. I’m meeting Amanda.”

Mitchell nodded. He walked Tadd to the front door and said he would see him. Somehow Jake had managed to stay out of sight for the entire time. Though what did it matter? Mitchell had a sick, sinking feeling that he was falling for Tadd. And what he was feeling was far stronger than anything he had ever felt for Luke.

He sighed, and pushed himself away from the door.

Out the back, Pete handed him the puppy’s leash. He was sitting on the loungers again, and the puppy had got all tangled up in the legs of the chair.

Mitchell played with the dog all afternoon, trying to give him some basic training, though he was so full of energy it was hard to get him to do anything right. It was going to be a long struggle.