Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren (4 page)

I twirled all around.

“Just wait till Handsome Warren gets a load of me now! Right, Grace? Now that guy will have to love me! ’Cause who wouldn’t?”

Grace slumped down in her seat.

She didn’t talk the whole rest of the way to school.

And guess what else? When the bus got to school, she didn’t even wait for me again.

She ran right straight to Handsome Warren without me.

I tried to race her. But my collar of jewels scratched my neck. Plus also my golden crown fell off my head.

Handsome Warren was sitting on the ground.

His face was hiding in his knees.

I pushed my way in front of Lucille and that Grace.

Then I tapped him on the head.

“Hello. How are you today? I am wearing princess clothes.” I told him.

Handsome Warren didn’t look up.

I tapped on his head again.

“Yeah, only I actually think you should get a load of me. ’Cause Grandma Miller says I am quite a sight,” I said.

Lucille rolled her eyes.

“It won’t do you any good to talk to him, Junie B.,” she said. “He’s not talking to anyone.”

“Not even to
me
,” said that Grace.

I squatted down next to that guy. And stared real hard.

“How come you’re not talking? Huh, Warren? Does the cat have your tongue?”

I waited very patient.

Then I leaned closer to his ear.

“I SAID, DOES THE CAT HAVE YOUR TONGUE, WARREN?”

All of a sudden, Handsome Warren raised up his head.

“GO AWAY!” he shouted. “ALL OF YOU! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I stayed squatted a real long time.

Then I stood up very quiet. And I looked at that Grace and Lucille.

“Good news,” I said. “He talked.”

After that, all of us kept on standing there and standing there.

’Cause we didn’t actually know how to handle this situation, that’s why.

Finally, Lucille did a huffy breath at him.

“You’re not being nice, Warren. You
used to be nice. But now you’re not. And so I don’t even want to be your friend today.”

“Me, either,” said that Grace. “I don’t want to be your friend today, either!”

Then both of those guys held hands. And they stomped away from there very furious.

Handsome Warren raised up one eyeball to see if they were gone.

I quick bended down and looked into it.

“Hello. How are you today?” I said. “I am wearing princess clothes.”

Handsome Warren did a groan.

Then he closed his eyeball. And he hided his face again.

I sat down next to Handsome Warren.

“Guess what? I’m not even going to bother you,” I said. “I’m just going to sit here. And mind my own personal beeswax. And that’s all.”

I thought a little bit.

“Plus here’s another good thing. You don’t even have to look at my princess clothes if you don’t want to. ’Cause clothes is not how I make friends,” I said.

Handsome Warren didn’t move.

I looked at his head.

“Guess what? There’s something in your hair,” I told him.

I looked harder at that thing.

“I think it’s a teeny leaf. Or else maybe it’s a piece of Kleenex,” I said.

He still didn’t move.

“Want me to brush it off for you?” I asked. “’Cause that would not be any trouble. And I would be happy to do it.”

I waited very patient for him to answer.

Then I tapped on him some more.

“Yeah, only I really think you should do something,” I said. “’Cause what if somebody blowed their nose on a teeny Kleenex? And then it flied in the wind. And got stuck in your hair. Did you ever think of that? Huh? ’Cause that would not be pleasant.”

He didn’t answer.

“Whoever wants me to get the Kleenex out of his hair, raise your hand,” I said.

All of a sudden, Handsome Warren uncovered his angry face.

“I thought you weren’t going to talk!” he hollered. “I thought you were going to mind your own personal beeswax!”

I smiled very cute.

“Yeah, only I
am
minding my own personal beeswax, Warren,” I said. “I just needed to tell you about the teeny Kleenex. And so now I’m all done talking. Period. The end.”

Handsome Warren rolled his eyes way up at the sky. He covered up with his arms again.

I waited some more.

“Okay, here’s the problem,” I said. “The
teeny Kleenex is still there. And so how would you like me to handle this?”

Handsome Warren put his hands over his ears.

“Stop it!” he yelled. “Stop talking to me! Why are you sitting here anyway? Why don’t you just go with your stupid friends and leave me alone?”

“’Cause I am being nice, that’s why,” I said. “Plus also I am understanding your feelings. On account of Mother said that is how I make friends.”

Handsome Warren did a grouchy face.

“I’m
not
your friend,” he said. “I don’t have any friends at this school. All my friends were at my
other
school. But then my dad made me move here. And now nothing is the same. I hate this place! I hate it! I hate it!”

Then he quick hided his head in his knees again. And he started to cry.

He tried to be quiet.

Only I still could hear him sniffling in there.

It made me feel sad inside.

I patted him very gentle.

“Sorry, Warren. Sorry you feel bad. Sorry. Sorry,” I said real soft.

Just then a good idea popped in my head.

“Hey.
I
know. Maybe I can get you a Band-Aid. Would you like that, Warren? ’Cause sometimes Band-Aids make things better…

“Or else here’s another good idea. Maybe I could tickle you. ’Cause tickling makes you laugh, right? And so I would be glad to give it a try.”

I jiggled him.

“Want to try on my golden crown, Warren? Huh? Want to? ’Cause a golden crown makes you feel like a million bucks.”

I took it off to give to him.

He didn’t take it.

I put my golden crown on the ground.

Then I took off my princess collar and my Cinderella gloves. And I put them on the ground, too.

After that, I sat very still. And I listened to Warren being sad.

Finally I did a sigh. And I tried my very last idea.

“Knock knock,” I said.

Handsome Warren didn’t answer.

“Knock knock,” I said a little bit louder. Then I kept on saying knock knock, until that guy got sick of it.

“OH, ALL RIGHT! WHO’S THERE?” he grouched.

“Hatch,” I said.

“Hatch who?” said Handsome Warren.

“HA HA! MADE YOU SNEEZE! GET IT, WARREN? GET IT? YOU SAID
HATCHOO
! DO YOU GET IT?

“Knock knock,” I said again.

Handsome Warren peeked one eye at me.

Who’s there?” he said.

“Ash,” I said.

“Ash who?” said Handsome Warren.

“HA! I DID IT AGAIN, WARREN! I MADE YOU SNEEZE AGAIN! YOU SAID
ASHOO
! AND SO THAT WAS ANOTHER GOOD ONE, RIGHT?”

Handsome Warren raised up his head. His face didn’t look as mad.

“Knock knock,” I said.

“Who’s there?” said Handsome Warren.

“Kook.”

“Kook who?” he said.

I made a fist at that guy.

“Hey! Who are you calling cuckoo, mister?” I said.

Just then, Handsome Warren did a teeny smile.

He waited for a second. Then he smiled some more.

“Knock knock,” he said.

“Who’s there?”

“Icy,” said Handsome Warren.

“Icy who?”

“Icy London, Icy France, Icy Lucille’s underpants,” he said.

I clapped and clapped.

“Me too, Warren! I saw those things,
too! ’Cause that crazy kook is always twirling around in those bouncy dresses, that’s why!”

All of a sudden, my whole face lighted up.

“Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?” said Handsome Warren.

“Irish.”

“Irish who?”

“IRISH I WAS AN OSCAR MAYER WIENER!” I sang real loud.

Then me and Handsome Warren started laughing real hard! And we holded our sides! And we rolled all around on the ground!

“YOU ARE A NUTBALL!” said Handsome Warren.

“YOU ARE A NUTBALL, TOO!” I said back.

“WE ARE BOTH NUTBALLS!” he said.

And so after that, me and Nutball Warren rolled and laughed and rolled and laughed. All around the grass. Till the bell rang!

’Cause that’s what nutballs do, of course!

Plus also me and him were brand-new friends, I think!

And that is called
happily ever after
!