Just a Fan (9 page)

'You? Lonely?' I repeated in surprise, frowning slightly. 'But - you're always surrounded with people! You seem so
happy
, and you've got absolutely everything you could wish for -'

Connor shook his head. 'No,' he murmured softly. 'Not everything.'

Then, in the next breathless second, all I was aware of were his lips. Especially because not only were they very close, but they were also very suddenly and unexpectedly touching mine.

'...!' I yelped silently in pure thunderstuck surprise, my senses reeling. All my thoughts were wiped blank, replaced instead by a full sensory overload. His mouth - those lovely, decadently curled lips I had seen so often in movies and press photographs - was unimagineably soft and warm, contrasting dizzyingly with the roughness of his stubble against my chin. This couldn't be happening...to
me
! His hand, slightly damp from the rain, was on my right cheek, so reassuringly large that it covered almost the whole side of my face with its cool touch. I was too stunned to think, let alone co-ordinate my actions enough to kiss him
back
. Besides, the touch of his lips on mine was long enough to erase all coherent thought from my mind and make the world around us disappear...but still short enough to prevent me from gaining control of myself enough to wonder whether I was a good kisser or not. It only lasted a short moment, but even when he pulled away, still keeping his face close to mine, I was completely bowled over. I gazed at him in wonder, my eyes taking in every hard plane of his face, every tiny crease between his brows, every hint of a line around his soft, lovely mouth...

'Oh...' was all I could whisper, a brief, delirious smile crossing my lips. I felt entirely intoxicated; ready to fall over forwards into his arms. I knew that later on this one little kiss would drive me mad when I tried to reason with his intentions, but just for now, just for this one glorious moment, I wanted to savour the lingering feel of those beautiful lips on mine...

Chapter 6

On With Life

So. Thinking creatively, that single breathless moment one hour ago meant that I had indirectly kissed Valerie Demano, Beatrice Kayes, Joanna Summers
,
Hannah Reeves, Leticia Firelli, Iona Parks
,
Mirabella Shaw, and countless other famous co-stars of Connor MacGowan all at once. I shivered. It was an unnerving thought - but not as unnerving as the knowledge that Connor was a real, live celebrity, and he had actually kissed me.
Kissed
me! Straight on the mouth, as unexpectedly as anything!

Connor MacGowan. I stopped pacing around my flat, and looked helplessly out of the window. I was still in a state of intense shock, which was hardly surprising - after all, it wasn't every day that a world-famous actor stood outside my familiar old apartment building and kissed me, just like that. I sat down on the back of my sofa, raising a hand to my lips tentatively. I still vividly remembered that brief but bewitching touch of his mouth...

I had seen Connor on innumerable films kissing other women - especially since directors seemed to often cast him as a romantic-interest character. I had seen shots of him from every angle, kissing many different women with many different levels of passion - hell, I had even seen many a bedroom scene with him in, too...but I had never imagined that one day
I
would be the one kissed by him,
in real life
. It just didn't seem possible...Of course I had daydreamed long ago about what it might be like to have such close contact with Connor, but that was what millions of other fans did, too. I had thought such a thing impossible, and tried my best to admire Connor only on a very basic, unattached level, seeing as I didn't know him and would never meet him. I had tried not to melt when seeing love scenes between his character and other characters in his films, which was very hard because there were always so many. The man was beautiful, and so it was only natural that he got all the saucy, handsome protagonist roles. He had also struck me as someone very comfortable with appearing on film with little or no clothes on at all. I had always done my best not to go wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the sight of so much bare, toned flesh, preferring to critically label him a bit of an exhibitionist. I had even thought worse of him, whenever I had seen photos on those terrible gossip sites that I just couldn't help going on of him "getting friendly" with various women. But now that I had gotten to know him better, I knew that he was just a good-looking guy who had grown up disillusioned and feeling a failure, and who was simply making the most of his well-earned fame as compensation for his difficult youth. The man was having fun at last, after so many years of depression - who could blame him? Yet I had once been forced to, in order to stop myself getting too attached to a man whom I knew I would never meet.

But now everything had changed. I had really met him, and not two hours ago he had kissed me. Himself, of his own volition!

I felt an odd feeling fluttering in my stomach. I think I was really beginning to adore this man...

How many months had I spent poring over biographies, filmographies and photos of Connor, laughing at his funniest online interviews and smiling over the candid shots taken by his friends of him pulling strange faces? How long had I kept that small cut-out of Connor looking very suave stuck on my fridge door, with a little speech bubble by his head saying "Fight Da Power, Lilly!!"? He had made me smile just as often as he had made me feel downright depressed. But it seemed all of that pining had finally paid off, and I had gotten that one, impossible kiss that I never would have imagined I could ever have. I found myself now in pure bliss; if Connor had just kissed me, then that meant that this could be the start of an actual
relationship
...

Abruptly, my bubble of dizzy happiness burst. Ah. I had forgotten - Connor was going off to America tomorrow. We wouldn't see each other for an indefinite amount of time. It might even be
years
before he returned to England. During that time, he would definitely forget me and move on, especially with all of those actresses and supermodels fawning over him...

Lonely, he had said. But how could he have been lonely? It just didn't make any sense.
Nothing
made any sense any more. I sighed, sliding off the sofa to sit despondently on the floor with my head in my hands. I was beginning to feel horribly full of doubts. Why couldn't life be
simple
? It would save so much brain-ache...

I got up off the floor, starting to pace restlessly again. Should I call him? Or was that the wrong move to make? Maybe he was so used to kisses that he just saw them as friendly and insignificant, I reasoned. But that didn't seem quite right...there had been a seriousness in his face that had suggested it held more importance to him than that. Though...he
was
an actor, wasn't he? An award-winning one, too?

I shook my head angrily, halting this awful train of thought. No, Connor wasn't that type of person. I had gotten to
know
him, after all...

But what if I was just some
very
brief holiday fling of his? What if our relationship was just doomed to be shallow? He had kissed me on the eve of his departure to the US, for God's sake. Maybe that was all he had wanted? Or maybe we had just never been able to get past that first kiss?

I groaned, rubbing my temples. I needed moral support here, before I went crazy.

I trudged over to the phone, and dialled a number.

'
Hello?
'

'Hi, Kate. It's Lilly,' I said, knowing she was probably still unreasonably bitter towards me for not divulging Connor's personal details to her, but just needing someone to talk to who was less serious and sensible than Julie.

'
Oh. Hi
.' She did indeed sound slightly bitter, but her tone seemed to indicate that she was curious to hear why my tone was so subdued. '
What's up?
'

'Well...you see...I'm completely at a loss about what to do,' I confessed to her. 'Me and Connor...well...'

'
Yeees...?
' coaxed Kate, impatient with my hesitation.
I sighed.

'OK, basically we met up a few times, got to know each other, and just now he actually kissed me but I'm not sure what to make of it because he's off back to America tomorrow,' I told her in a rush.

There was a pause of a few seconds on the other end of the line.

'
You...
kissed
...Connor...MacGowan?
'

'Well,
he
kissed
me
, to tell you the -'

'
Lillian Harwick, have you ANY idea how lucky you are?
' Kate suddenly exploded. '
Jesus, woman. People would
kill
to get a snog from that man...
'

'I know, I
know
,' I groaned. 'But Kate, I don't know if I should be happy about it, because he's
gone
now.'

Another pause.

'
Aha
,' said Kate, in a worryingly grave tone. '
America, you said?
'

'Yes.'

'
Oh, dear...
' she replied heavily. '
Lills, I think that guy has seriously taken advantage of you, if that's the case.
'

'What?' I said miserably.

'
Think about it
,' said Kate. '
He's a world-famous actor who can have any lady he wants, and he comes to the UK for a while, maybe on holiday, I don't know...and anyway, he gets to the end of his stay, and he sees that it's the ideal time for him to make a bold move on a shy young lady like yourself. Mainly because the day after, he'll be far away and won't have to worry about the consequences.
'

I blinked, then sighed, slowly sinking down onto the sofa.

'Oh...' I replied quietly.

'
Poor Lilly
,' tutted Kate. '
You should have clouted him around the face for being so cheeky and taking what he wanted. You should have left a nice bruise on him for when he goes back to his premieres and film festivals.
'

I was too saddened to contradict her...it was one thing to suspect someone yourself, and another thing entirely to hear it explained so obviously by your friend.

'Kate, what am I going to
do
?' I moaned dejectedly. 'I feel terrible now. I miss him so much already, but I don't even know if I
should
...oh, I'm so bloody
confused
...'

'
Don't you worry, Lilly
,' Kate told me optimistically. '
I'm sure me and Julie can remedy your problem.
'

* * *

'Same again here, please,' ordered Kate, and the barman nodded and poured another foaming pint, which was placed in front of me. I stared down at it blearily, head in my hands, not caring that I was being lousy company tonight. The bar's atmosphere felt stuffy and heady, and everybody seemed to be talking so loudly. All I could do was wallow...last night I hadn't slept a wink, and I had only fallen asleep early in the morning. I had woken up late, and just two hours later Kate had come to sort me out and take me along to the pub. It was her traditional cure to a painful situation - half a dozen pints to wash away all cares.

Through the fog in my head, I could hear Julie saying disapprovingly: 'Kate, I don't think this is the way. She's had enough to drink already...it just doesn't seem very sensible to get drunk instead of sorting out the problems and moving on...'

'It's the only way, Julie, and it's worked countless times,' Kate reassured Julie. 'Look, she's ready to drop off - she's forgotten him already.'

I looked up from my pint with red eyes. 'I can hear you,' I told them tetchily. 'And I have definitely
not
forgotten him.'

'Oh, bless her, she's started slurring her words, too,' remarked Kate. 'Don't worry, Lilly, soon you'll be too pissed to remember
anything
.'

I groaned and put my head down on the table.

'Kate...'

'Come
on
, we're just having a girl's day out to get our minds off things!' Kate replied. 'Don't be such a spoilsport.'

I murmured something irritable, fiddling with the ties of the strappy red top Kate had stuffed me into. She slapped my hand away.

'Stop fidgeting with that, you look fine,' she chided me.

'I look awful.'

'No you
don't
,' argued Kate. 'I did you up perfectly so that you look like a lovely single lady out to have fun.'

I gave a moan. 'Hopeless tart desperate to forget, you mean,' I grumbled. 'This isn't
me
.'

'Of course it's -' Kate began, but Julie interrupted her.

'Ladies,
please
,' she said, calming down the argument. 'I thought we were here for a laugh.'

'I want my coat,' I mumbled, halfway through the pint. 'It's
December
, for crying out loud.
Not
the weather for strappy tops and heels.'

'She'll get over it,' sighed Kate to Julie, who shook her head wearily.