Just F*ck Me! (5 page)

That’s just a partial list. My point is that it’s totally OK to be feeling shy about having any sex at all, let alone any kind of experimental sex. But let’s see if we can come up with some ideas to get you back to taking care of business.

The key is not to think about the actual sex part. Work your way up to that by gaining your confidence in other ways.

• Start by being more physical with her during non-sexual times; a hand on the back when letting her go in front of you, a touch as you pass in the hallway or the kitchen, or taking her hand or linking arms when you’re walking together.
  

• Kiss her! There are a million ways to kiss her. Don’t be apologetic or shy about taking a moment to spin her around, take her in your arms and kiss her. It’ll make you feel less shy, and it’ll boost your alpha male status! Especially if you tell her it’s for no reason except that she’s your woman and she’s beautiful.
  

• Waiting in line at the movies? Standing at the kitchen sink? Reading at the table? Use these times to bear hug her from behind and give a little nuzzle. Again, it will make you more comfortable being physical, and asserting yourself with her.
  

• To kick it up a notch and get you back in the game, go for some light making out when there’s no chance of it leading to sex – in the car before going into a restaurant, in the hallway by the bathrooms at the bar, or just about anyplace else you can think of that wouldn’t make either of you uncomfortable or embarrassed. It even works at home!
  

This last one also works as you get more confident for showing a little bit more assertiveness. If she starts to pull away a bit, pull her closer and keep going a little bit longer than she wants – you decide when it’s time to stop.

As for getting down in the sack, lengthy foreplay is best to overcome shyness. Make out like it’s your job! Make out until neither of you can stand it anymore. Even if she seems overly ready to take it to the next level, tell her you’re not done with her yet, and really drive her wild.

When you’re both super ready to have sex, shyness will be the last thing on your mind, I assure you. It will also boost your confidence to have a woman begging you to be inside her! And you will have found another way to start moving in on alpha male territory in the bedroom.

I’d like to say a word or two about talking to your partner about your shyness. Obviously, this might be difficult to do! And to be honest, while I advocate open communication, sometimes talking about shyness in the bedroom can make it become a much larger issue than it needs to be.

If you do feel the need to talk about it, I’d recommend doing it right after having sex. This might sound strange, I know, but it’s a good time to open up about the feelings you’re having. This can also start a discussion about how she can help you work it out, which is a wonderful time to bring up assertiveness. You can tell her what you want to have happen during your next roll in the hay, and you can get around to calling the shots in a way that completely has her on your side.

MAKING IT A HOT, PASSIONATE EXPERIENCE SHE WILL REMEMBER

Later on in this book, I’m going to talk to you about the specifics of alpha male bedroom behavior. But for now, I’d like to address how to communicate in the bedroom in a way that makes you both feel comfortable without blowing the whole vibe.

Real-time demonstrating and reinforcement are two ways to keep the mood while figuring out if what you’re doing is working or not. Let’s take a look at what that means.

Some people mistakenly think that male assertiveness in the bedroom is the equivalent of “Bitch, make me a sandwich.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. As I’ve said before, I want to stress that this has nothing to do with the fact that equality is the foundation of any strong relationship.

When you’re experimenting with assertiveness in the bedroom, however, it’s important to communicate with your partner. This lets her know what you’re up to, and that you’re not going overboard. It also allows her to have the confidence to speak up if she’s uncomfortable.

A way to do this while keeping things hot and getting her involved is by demonstration. For example, say you want her to give you a blowjob in a particular way. Instead of explaining it, tell her you want a blowjob “like this” – and then go down on her to show her the rhythm or tongue trick you might want. This makes it a mutual pleasure-seeking activity while playing the assertive role.

Another example of staying in the moment while making subtle adjustments or directing what’s going on is when she’s uncomfortable with something you’re doing. Say you’re having “doggie-style” sex and you’re pulling her hair, and she says “OUCH!” in a way that is not part of the sexy vibe. Don’t panic – the mood isn’t ruined! Stop pulling, but instead run your fingers through her hair. Then, gradually build back up to pulling, but not so tight. And no need to fumble or apologize; a simple, “OK, Baby” will suffice. Use your actions more than words or explanations, and you’ll soon see you will have developed a language all your own.

A debriefing afterward doesn’t have to be so clinical, either. Keep the talk brief and in the moment still. Instead of saying, “I hope I wasn’t too rough” or apologizing for something she hasn’t even brought up, keep a subtle air of alpha male where this is concerned.

“How about when I did this or that, was that too rough for you, Baby? You just say the word, and I’ll be all over you. Damn, that was hot.” Let her know that it’s a mutual pleasure that is derived from this experimentation, while making it clear that even though you’re in charge, it’s all being done in a safe environment.

There can be a situation where, once you’ve gotten into acting out this scenario, you are, or she is, simply not into it. Or, the both of you might take one look at each other and say, “This is ridiculous.”

This is OK, and perfectly normal. Not everything works for everyone. But, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open so there is no misunderstanding about why this particular thing isn’t working.

If you’re not feeling it, let her know – after the sex has finished. Ask her first what she thought about it, and adjust how you talk about it accordingly.

If she says, “That was fantastic!!” Then you can express your happiness that she loved it, but be open and say what you didn’t like about it – maybe that it made you uncomfortable, or that you felt like you were assaulting her, or that it just plain didn’t excite you. Then, you can go from there.

If she seems less than enthused about what you’ve done together, then ask her what would really turn her on. Encourage her to be open with you – after all, you’re here to help! Get her to open up about exactly what her fantasy entails, and promise to make it happen the next time.

The most important thing is that she feels safe and comfortable.

You also might feel like you got way too into the domination. If so, you really should take the time to think about why that is so. Perhaps you’re feeling a bit underappreciated in the relationship, or you simply don’t have enough manly activities in your life that are good outlets for this frame of mind.

However, if you ever get the real urge to cause her pain or to put her down verbally – then stop and seek help.

I’m not saying you’re in trouble; it’s simply that playing with the dynamics of your relationship might have consequences, and you need to be aware of how it makes you feel when you’re participating in a sexual experiment that addresses these dynamics.

You might find during the course of your lovemaking that you fantasize about being this way with another woman. This is completely normal and healthy for a sexually active man. You don’t need to feel like you’re “cheating” on her or that something is wrong with you because it excites you more to think about this other woman while being with your own woman.

Again, this goes back to the dynamic at play when you’re playing with dynamics. Because you are not, I am assuming, a brutish male who stomps all over women’s hearts, in essence you are creating a type of role to play while you’re fulfilling your partner’s alpha male fantasies. And, in the course of playing that role, it might make you feel like a different man. So, it’s natural for you to perhaps think about being with a different woman.

Also, it can be hard for a man to be anything less than 100 percent respectful and even deferential to his woman during lovemaking. You might be fantasizing about another woman simply because it may make it easier for you to behave the way you are.

Or, you might just like fantasizing about other women. Again, perfectly normal. Anyone who says they don’t is lying.

PART TWO: FOR WOMEN

BE HONEST. THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING.

What is your husband or boyfriend not doing, but you wish he would?

I’m not talking about the dishes, or dressing better, or chewing with his mouth closed. This book is about how your man does, or does not, satisfy you in the bedroom.

If you’re anything like most women out there, you’ve probably dated a bad boy or two in the past. While you learned soon enough that they’re not really long-term boyfriend or husband material, come on, admit it: Your bad boy rocked your world in bed!

He was a total and complete asshole, he never called, he was probably cheating on you, and if he thought about you for five minutes after seeing you it was a big improvement. You’re better off without him in your life, I can tell you that!

Once you came to your senses, you found a wonderful man who actually cares about you. You feel for the first time that there is a true partnership, not just dating or a relationship. You’re with him for the long haul, and you can’t wait to see what the future brings for you both.

The mutual trust, respect and admiration you have for each other are the solid foundation of a strong, healthy and happy relationship. But, what happens when all that love gets in the bedroom? Not much, unfortunately.

Oh, the sex is fine. You feel a connection with him that you’d only read about in books. So much of it feels so right, it’s like your bodies were made for each other – two puzzle pieces that together make the whole picture.

But when it comes to the bedroom, sometimes too much respect can be a bad thing. Perhaps you feel a bit of timidity on his part. It can seem like he’s afraid to go too far with the passion he so obviously feels for you. Maybe he has balked when you’ve suggested something a little kinky.