Just Friends With Benefits (37 page)

And then I wondered if I was over-reacting considering we had only been dating two months. Maybe Ryan really didn’t care and I was making more out of our relationship than there really was. He’d never met my family or even any of my friends. We’d never said ‘I love you,’ we never even discussed exclusivity, although I assumed it was a given. Maybe he wasn’t all that hurt by what I’d done. Maybe he really didn’t care. And maybe I shouldn’t either. But I did. A lot.

I resumed my regular routine of going to the gym in the morning, working nine to ten hours during the day, coming home, micro-waving dinner, watching television and going to sleep. Insert missing Ryan and beating the shit out of myself for ruining everything whenever my mind was not otherwise occupied, and that was my daily schedule. The schedule varied only once or twice a week when “coming home, microwaving dinner and watching television” was replaced with dinner and drinks with Suzanne or people from work. I really had no desire to socialize but was trying to fake some semblance of normalcy, mostly for my mother’s sake.

It was a Monday afternoon and my mom and I were engaged in our daily afternoon phone call.

“Working late tonight?” she asked.

“Not sure yet. Too soon to tell if I need to.”

“Any plans?”

“Nope. I’m tired. I can’t wait to go home and watch ‘The Bachelor,’” I said.

“I guess you haven’t heard from him?”

I didn’t have to ask who she meant by ‘him’ and I felt my insides tighten. “No mom! I don’t expect to hear from him. There is no reason for him to call.”

“I was just asking,” my mom said.

“Please don’t ask that anymore. Don’t you think I wish he’d call? He’s not going to and your asking is not gonna change that.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. Where does he hang out? Maybe you can just run into him.”

“And then what? Mom, please stop,” I pleaded.

“I just thought if you saw each other, you’d be able to talk face to face and maybe work things out. I’ll stop, though. I just hate seeing you this way. And I don’t like the idea of you going straight home from work every day. It’s not healthy.”

“It’s been less than two weeks, Mom. And I’m not going straight home from work every day. I’m going out with Suzanne tomorrow night.”

“Good. Do you guys ever meet people when you go out? I know Suzanne’s engaged but she encourages you, right?”

As if a gift from God, my other line rang before I got the chance to completely lose my patience. “Mom, I gotta go. I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said before hanging up.

I picked up the other line and said, “This is Stephanie.”

“Hi, Stephanie. It’s Adam from the New York office. We worked on the Franklin General deal together if you remember.”

“Of course, I remember. How’s it going?”

“It’s going well. How about you?”

“I’m good,” I lied. “What can I do for you?”

“I have some Security Agreements I was hoping to interoffice to you. Gerard said you could send them to the other side’s counsel for signature.”

“No problem,” I said.

“Great. Thanks.”

“Okay, I’ll look out for the documents.”

I assumed the conversation was over and was surprised when Adam asked, “So, any plans to visit the New York office soon?”

I recalled how horrible I felt when I had met Adam in New York. I had just gotten rejected by Hille the night before and here we were talking again after I was rejected by Ryan. “Not that I know of,” I said. “But if you want to put in a good word with Gerard, I’d be pleased. Wouldn’t mind a change of scenery.”

Adam laughed. “I don’t have much clout with Gerard, but I’ll see what I can do. It would be cool to see you again,” he said.

Suddenly I felt nervous as I wondered if he was flirting with me. “Thanks, Adam.” I contemplated telling him I’d like to see him again, too, but just couldn’t do it.

“Okay, well, let me know if you have any questions about the documents,” he said.

“Will do.”

“Take care and hopefully I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” I said. I tried to find the humor in my initial assumption that Adam was the gay one and not Hille.

After we hung up, I decided I’d tell Gerard I was dog sitting for a friend if he tried to send me to the New York office for another closing. A pug. Ryan had a pug.

“That guy just checked you out,” Suzanne said. We were sharing a bottle of sweet German Riesling and a fruit and cheese plate at Sonoma Restaurant and Wine Bar.

I took a sip of my wine, licked the residual sugary taste from my lips and said, “Oh.”

“Don’t you want to see what he looks like?” Looking over my shoulder, she said, “He’s cute, Steph.”

Glancing around the lounge, I observed pockets of non-descript young male professionals. I turned back to Suzanne and blandly replied, “Sure. Which one?”

Suzanne rolled her eyes. “Don’t sound so enthusiastic!”

Popping a dried apricot in my mouth and washing it down with a gulp of wine, I said, “I’m not enthusiastic, Suzanne. I’m just not interested in dating right now. I just broke up with Ryan a couple of weeks ago. You act like I need a man to be happy.”

Suzanne raised one eyebrow and asked, “Don’t you?”

I topped off our glasses and said, “Sure. Relationships are all exciting when you’re taking showers together and eating Chinese food in bed. But then you have too many beers, your imagination runs wild and—poof—you make one hasty decision and it’s over.” I pounded my fist on the table. “I got it! I’ll start a Jewish convent for other fuck-ups like myself. We can swap designer handbags, share bottles of wine and watch ‘Sex and the City’ on DVD all day.” Confidently, I said, “It could work.”

Laughing, Suzanne said, “Yes, except you’ll all wish you were Carrie and could end up with your very own Big. Or you’ll be so incredibly sex deprived that watching Samantha whore around will make you ridiculously jealous.” Sounding more confident than me, she said, “It won’t work.”

Once again, Suzanne outplayed me. I placed my glass on the table and stood up. “Okay, you win. Which guy? I have to pee so I might as well give him a look-see.”
Fake it till you make it.

Suzanne grinned. “The fair skinned guy in the light blue button down and jeans. You’ll pass him on the way to the bathroom. Smile at him.”

“Okay, boss.” I ran my fingers quickly through my hair and brushed the crumbs from the focaccia bread off my black jeans and headed past the exposed brick wall towards the bathroom. I immediately noticed the guy Suzanne had said was checking me out and he was looking at me. We made eye contact and he smiled.

Ryan had the same shirt. He actually owned four of them and wore one of them at least three times a week, including the last time I saw him. I quickly looked away and walked as fast as I could to the ladies room where thankfully there was no line. Once in the stall, I sat on the toilet seat, not at all concerned with the long list of diseases I might catch. Then I put my head between my legs and started crying.

~ * ~

As we stood outside the restaurant to say our goodbyes before heading in opposite directions, Suzanne frowned and said, “So perhaps it’s too soon for you to flirt with other guys.”

“Thank you! Maybe when I stop thinking I see Ryan everywhere I go, I’ll be over him. I swear I look for him in my lobby every time I come home from work, hoping he’ll be waiting for me to declare his love.” Sniffling, I said, “Wishful thinking, huh? And he’d probably just call anyway.”

Suzanne hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I’m so sorry sweetie. But I do believe if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

I held her embrace a few moments, thankful for the comfort and mumbled, “Unless it
was
meant to be and I screwed with the fates.” Reluctantly separating, I said, “Anyway, I do believe in fate to a degree but free-will can get in the way and ruin everything. Damn free-will, never did me any good!”

Suzanne smoothed my hair like a mother to her child and asked, “Have you spoken to Hille by the way? Does he know what happened?”

I looked down at my feet where someone had tossed a candy bar wrapper into the garbage and missed by a mere inch. “I’m guessing he knows we’re not back together—everyone else does,” I said.

Hailing a cab, Suzanne said, “Gay or not, I don’t like him. Ryan seems much warmer.” Probably noting the expression on my face, she added, “Sorry,” stepped into the cab and blew me a kiss goodbye.

I remembered the first time Ryan hugged me, outside of Rosa Mexicana. It wasn’t one of those quick, pat you on the back and pull away hugs. He had really squeezed me tight. I blinked to hold back the tears and called out, “On that note, see you soon!”

I watched Suzanne’s cab drive away and headed home. During my ten minute walk, I thought I saw Ryan at least three times.

I flexed my muscles, proudly noting hints of actual definition in my biceps. In the past week, I had developed more muscles lugging boxes from Gerard’s office to the closing ‘war’ room than I had over the last year doing three sets of bicep curls twice a week. The firm had taken over a new case and we had spent all weekend going through the files the client’s previous counsel had sent over.

On the floor of Gerard’s office, I stretched out my legs and tried to touch my fingertips to my toes. As I brought my hands back to my sides, I reached into the container of pork dumplings and popped one in my mouth. Extending the plastic container to Gerard’s secretary, Stacey, I said, “Please take these away from me! I’m not even hungry, yet I can’t seem to help myself.”

Stacey, a dainty girl just short of five feet and probably less than 100 pounds, shook her honey-blonde bob and patted her stomach. “No more for me either. It’s almost bathing suit season.”

Getting up to throw the half-full container in the garbage, I said, “I think you can afford it.”

“I think we both can, actually,” Stacey said.

“Whatever. Let’s farm it off on the others. Maybe it will make the news that it’s gonna be another long night go down easier.”

I began making my move to the closing room where three other junior paralegals were busy organizing documents when I saw Gerard walking towards me. Like us, he had spent all weekend in the office and I had a new respect for him as a real team player.

“Hey, Stephanie. I was just looking for you.”

“Is everything okay?” I had been working so hard all week to make the transition of responsibility as smooth as possible. And long hours had other advantages as well. By the time I got home and in bed, I fell asleep before my mind had a chance to conjure up images of Ryan’s blue eyes and miss the way he used to look at me when he thought I wasn’t watching.

Gerard smiled. “Everything’s fine. I have some good news for you.”

“For me?” My first thought was Ryan was waiting for me in the lobby, but I quickly dismissed the possibility when I remembered not everyone’s world revolved around my love life. Gerard didn’t even know I’d been dating someone.

I followed Gerard back to his office and after he asked Stacey to give us a minute, I sat in his guest chair. Even though he said it was ‘good’ news, I had nervous knots in my stomach. And the exorbitant amounts of Chinese food I had devoured earlier probably didn’t help.

Gerard took a sip of his canned iced tea and leaned back in his chair. “It’s been a rough week, huh?”

I nodded. “Definitely. But taking over a big case like this is good for the firm.”

“I’ve been thinking about your ideas,” Gerard said.