Just Perfect (23 page)

“ ‘Impressed.’ ” Alec scowled. “Is that enough?”

“Are you kidding? It’s huge!”

“So you’re going to take a job in Texas rather than even consider looking for one here because it will impress your father? Won’t he be impressed no matter where you work?”

“It wouldn’t be the same.”

“But—”

“No. There is no ‘but.’ I’m going to get that position no matter what it takes.” She turned back to stab at her dessert. “End of discussion.”

He stared at her in disbelief. “So I’m just supposed to drop it?”

“Yes.”

“But—”

She sent him an irritated look. “Do you really want to fight about it?”

Yes, he thought. He wanted to argue and push and get her to open up to him. Instead, he sat back and stared out the window as he considered his options. They could fight it out now, or he could give her a few days to think about it, then bring it up again. Maybe she needed time for this thing between them to grow.

Time for her to fall in love with him.

But what if that never happened? What if she never returned all the thrilling, frightening things he felt for her?

He had a week to win her over—or lose her completely.

His gut churned as he nodded. “Okay. We’ll drop it.”
For now
.

Communication is easier said than done.

—
How to Have a Perfect Life

Christine felt the awkwardness mount as they walked through the village toward Alec’s apartment. They didn’t talk, or hold hands, or walk arm in arm as they usually did. Instead, Alec stared straight ahead, his shoulders hunched and his hands thrust into the pockets of his black leather jacket, as if he were freezing. In truth, the night was mild, with people strolling about, admiring the Christmas lights and the displays in shop windows.

She’d hurt his feelings. So now what did she say? How did she explain?

Even when they reached his apartment the awkwardness persisted. Alec mumbled something about taking Buddy out, and left her standing there alone. After hanging her coat on a peg by the door, she plugged in the little Christmas tree they’d bought and decorated together. Alec had said it was his first ever as an adult because he’d never thought of buying one just for him.

Christine had had even more fun decorating this one than the one Natalie and Robbie had snuck in for the kids. She and Alec had made the ornaments themselves by stringing popcorn for garlands and tying red ribbon around candy canes. The origami animals they’d made from aluminum foil reflected the multicolored lights, giving the tree a cheerful sort of magic.

Fingering a foil frog, she remembered how goofy they’d acted that night, how they’d laughed until her sides ached, and how they’d made love afterwards by only the lights of the tree.

The memory faded to the scene at the restaurant, leaving her in a state of semishock. Alec wanted her to move to Colorado. The look in his eyes when he’d said it had made everything inside her expand with joy, then pop like a balloon, leaving her deflated.

She stared numbly about the small living and dining room. His apartment wasn’t that much smaller than hers back in Austin, but here was secondhand furniture that didn’t match. In lieu of framed art, he’d tacked up snowboarding and skiing posters. Everything about the place was so Alec, she loved spending time here. They’d packed a lot of fun moments into a very short time.

If she moved to Colorado, would he ask her to live with him? Her heart ached with longing at the thought.

Why was life so cruel? Did the Fates enjoy toying with humans? Dangling someone’s deepest desire right in front of them, then naming a painful price?

Just that morning she’d learned the one dream she’d had her whole life had a chance of coming true. She’d floated through the entire day—only to have the Fates say, “But wait, there’s a catch. That other thing you’ve always wanted, a good man to love and be loved by? That may or may not be behind curtain number two. The only way to find out is to give up the prize behind curtain number one. Now what will you do? Which will you choose?”

Wrapping her arms about her middle she wondered if the chance for love was worth so large a sacrifice. She had no way of knowing how things with Alec would turn out. What if she threw away the goal of a lifetime, only to find out the Fates had pulled the cruelest trick of all?

A fear rose inside her that she would do precisely that. She wasn’t exactly known for making brilliant choices where men were concerned. She could so easily see herself tossing responsibility, her family’s respect, and everything else to the wind so she could live here with a man who made her laugh.

Tears welled unexpectedly in her eyes.

At the sound of the door, she turned to the window that overlooked the plaza to keep her back to the room.

She heard Alec come inside and watched him in the reflection of the glass as he stopped and stared at her. Then he turned and headed for the kitchen in the corner.

“I, um, I bought some wine earlier,” he said, his voice flat. “Jeff recommended it, so it should be good. I thought we might want some after dinner.”

The fist about her heart squeezed tighter when she realized he’d bought it so they could celebrate her agreeing to move.

“Would you like a glass?” he asked.

“That would be nice,” she answered without turn-ing. How was she going to dispel this stiffness between them?

When Buddy came over to her, she busied herself petting him as Alec opened the bottle. By the time she straightened, he was moving toward the sofa with two glasses.

She went to join him, accepting the glass as she sat, but not really looking at him.

“Alec, I…” She stared at the glass in her hand. “I think I need to explain.”

“Oh, so now you are willing to talk about it.”

Looking up, she saw the hurt lining his face. “I don’t want to, but I need you to understand, because I’m scared to death you’ll talk me into doing something I know I’ll regret later.”

He looked away, and she realized she’d hurt him even more.

“This isn’t easy for me to talk about, okay? So if I don’t say it neatly, please try—” Her throat started to close, so she sipped at the rich red wine, letting its smoky flavor slide over her tongue. “Okay, I’m going to just say it.” She took a deep breath. “They didn’t want me.”

“What?” He turned back to her.

“My parents,” she clarified, gripping the glass. “I was an accident.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “How is that connected to you refusing to move here and give us a chance?”

“Because it’s the reason I want the position at St. James. I’ve always had to work harder than most kids to earn their affection and their pride, to not feel like an intrusion in their lives. An uninvited houseguest who moved in and stayed.”

He stared at her, clearly stunned.

“I, um—” She took another sip. “I don’t think Mom wanted any children, really. I’ve watched her with my nephews, and it’s as if the mommy gene is missing. It’s simply not there. I can sort of understand, because, to be honest, I don’t have it either.” That was equally hard to admit, that she feared being as cold as her mother and that her children would wind up feeling the same simmering cauldron of inadequacy that she felt. “Don’t get me wrong, I like kids well enough, and enjoy being around other people’s children, but I’ve never wanted any of my own.”

“Something else we have in common.”

“Really?” She looked at him, momentarily distracted. “That surprises me. I would have pegged you as someone who loves kids.”

“Let me guess. Because I’m still a kid myself, right?”

“Something like that.” At any other time, she would have smiled. “So why don’t you want children?”

He shrugged. “My brother and sister are doing more than their share to overpopulate the planet. Besides, it’s much more fun to play with someone else’s kids, then hand them back the second they need a clean diaper.”

“Exactly. Which is why I can empathize with my mother and what I imagine happened.”

“Which was?”

She sat back, finding the words came easier now that she’d started. “Mom was young, pampered, and perfectly happy in her newly wedded bliss. But here was her husband pressuring her for progeny. I think she agreed without really knowing what to expect. I

have this picture of her as a sheltered socialite daydreaming about baby showers and cute clothes with ribbons and lace and tiny little booties. Then
wham
, here comes morning sickness, water retention, and you know—a
baby
! A screaming, crying baby that spits up and wets.“

“They do that,” he agreed.

“They also take a lot of attention. Attention she thought would be focused on her, the new mother. Add to that the fact that Dad was very stubborn when they first married. The Ashtons have always been well off and respectable, but mom’s father, Grandpa Honeycutt, was a self-made man who achieved a great deal on his own. I think Grandpa said something that tweaked Dad’s pride a bit, made Dad want to prove he was man enough to make his own way. So he wouldn’t accept any financial help from either of their parents. All that’s changed now, but back when Dad was in residency, there was no money or room for a live-in nanny.”

“Oh, the horror.” He shuddered. “How did she survive?”

“Laugh all you want, but that had to be traumatic for someone like my mom. Frankly, I wonder how their marriage survived it. I can only imagine my mother’s relief over getting it right the first time.”

“Getting it right?”

“You know, having a boy. Giving her husband a son. She didn’t have to go through any of that again. Then, finally, Robbie was old enough to go to school. She was probably thinking, ‘Thank God. A halfway normal life again.’ And, out of the blue, here I
come
and ruin everything.”

“She told you this?” He stared at her.

She shrugged. “She didn’t have to. Contrary to what a lot of people think, children aren’t too stupid to understand adult speak.”

“That’s horrible!” He set his glass down hard on the coffee table. “I can’t imagine how much that hurts. Granted, I’m not wild about my family, but I never felt unwanted.”

“Well, I did.” She stared at her glass, unable to look at him. “There used to be this little girl inside me who wanted desperately to be their pride and joy. I realized early on that would never happen with Mom. I can forgive her that lack of maternal affection, though, because she’s equally distant to Robbie as she is to me.” She looked up. “But I can’t forgive Dad his lack of… simple attention.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I can’t forgive him for constantly blowing me off simply because I’m a girl. So yes, having him be ‘impressed’ this morning meant a lot to me.”

“Is it enough, though?” he asked gently.

“No,” she said. “It’s not, which is my point. If I get a job at a hospital halfway across the country, he may hear about my successes, but it’s not the same as hearing it from people he knows. It’s not the same as him seeing with his own eyes that I’m good.” The hurt swelled within her. “One way or another, I’m going to make him notice me and make him admit I’m every bit as worthy of his pride as Robbie is.”

He studied her for a long time. “And none of this strikes you as mentally unhealthy? To live your whole life for this one goal?”