Just Roll With It: a Just Us novel (38 page)

I burst into giggles when I see them walk through the hospital room doors. Enzo with a picnic basket, and Roman is carrying the plaid blanket and bouquet of flowers. I'm still on a lot of pain medicine, so the giggle fit could be partly due to drugs, but they look like complete dorks. Right now they are my most favorite dorks in the world. I couldn't ask for better dorks, because they brought me real food.

Roman asked the nurse's permission to take me outside and to the credit of his charm, she allowed it. The hospital doesn't have much of a lawn, however, so we are eating picnic style on the curb of the parking lot. I'm sure we look ridiculous to anyone else, but they should wish they were me right now because I couldn't be happier.

The sun is shining, and I'm alive, sitting here eating homemade sloppy joe's and mac and cheese. The best part is imagining Enz and Rome having to work together in a kitchen trying to make it.

I picture them spilling the sauce and cursing at each other, but then finding common ground and getting into a groove. I never ask for the actual details of their cooking experience because I don't want my version tainted, but if I had to guess I'd bet it went close to my version.

None of us moved to get up after we finish eating, I'm not ready for the moment to end yet. We stay as long as we can, until a nurse is sent to fetch me when my next set of meds are due.

When visiting hours are over and all but Roman had left, I can tell something was wrong. He's acting weirder than normal. He keeps shifting his weight back and forth like he's uncomfortable and not focused. Rimmed with red, his eyes are bloodshot and tired and he hasn't shaved in at least a week.

"I lost you," he says out of nowhere, causing me to jump slightly at the broken silence.

"You didn't lose me; you threw me away. Two different things," I tightly tell him.

"Will you just shut up and let me say what I have to say, woman?" he demands, and I snap my mouth shut.

"What I was going to say is, I lost you. And then, I thought I actually
lost
you. Now I have you again, and I am going to do everything I can to keep you." He pauses and takes in a breath, like he's thinking about how to phrase what he wants to say next.

"I wasn't ready for you. I didn't want something so intense yet, and I sure as shit wasn't prepared when you up and popped back into my life. I tried to ignore you at first, thinking you would go away. But you’re not so simple, are you? So, when I couldn't bring myself to ignore it any longer, I had to choose between going all in with you or having my insides eat away at me until I couldn't function anymore anyway. I chose you. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I would have."

"Until Amy died," I whisper.

"Yeah."

Long black lashes kiss the tops of his cheeks as he lowers his eyes to the floor.

"When she died, it was a cold slap in the face. I knew things were too good to be true with you and something was eventually going to happen to tear us apart. The thought scared the shit out of me. Amy died, and it reminded me things don't last. I thought I was manning up. Getting it over with early, as opposed to waiting until we were in so deep that when shit went down it would be too devastating to come back from."

"Bad things don't always happen, you know." My voice begins to brittle, but I stay strong and suck it in.

He gives me a sideways glance while I watch the smirk play on his furry face. "Um, yeah they do. Do you not remember almost getting eaten to death last week?"

"Yeah, I guess there's that. Hey, wait a sec, what did you mean by popping back into your life
again
?"

"Oh, yeah, Damn. We're getting beside the point. I'll tell you later, okay?" The question is rhetorical as he doesn't wait for me to agree. "My point, though, is things went wrong when I started thinking we couldn't handle any type of shit we inevitably get into together. I was afraid I would have to go through all the bad shit alone. If anything were to ever happen to you, I would have to. But then something happened to you anyway, and my heart and soul would've been completely crushed regardless. I was being selfish, and I'm aware of that."

"Whatever stuff you're afraid of happening, could still happen, you know. We never know what the future holds, good or bad. So are you always going to flip out and leave anytime you get scared?" My voice is strangled. "Because it will happen again. And again, and again, and again."

"Naw, Bug. Naw." He smirks at me sweetly, then turns serious again. "You broke me this time. This time, I am all too familiar with the downright fucking despair of not having you with me, when you sure as shit should've been."

My wrist hurts from the IV, so it really hurts too bad to write today.

I basically broke down today. I sat cross-legged on the bathroom floor and cried for hours. I'm not sure if it's from the pain, or because my grandpa died this morning. It happened only a few hours after I was released from the hospital. It's probably a little of everything. I didn't even go see him before I left. I wanted to get the hell out of there. I thought I'd come back and see him later. I will regret my choice forever.

I woke up at four this morning with the most severe cramps I've ever had. I know it's because of all the pain meds, but seriously I feel like I'm dying all over again! Roman called me his girlfriend today. I think it accidentally slipped out, but I also think he meant it. We still haven't talked about it. It never seems like the right time with everything going on.

Last night was the first night I didn't take a sleeping pill. It was the first night since the incident I didn't have the nightmares. It was also the first night Roman slept over at my apartment again. I don't have much else to say and I have to go get ready to say good bye to my grandpa for the last time.

Today. Sucked.

Bottom line.

My arm's been leaking a yellowish puss-like liquid for the past two days and it started bleeding again for some reason. Over a week later and still bleeding. Is the nightmare ever going to end? Anyway I just noticed I ruined my sheets. Awesome. It's leaking through the bandages and it's so gross. Poor Roman was lying on those sheets all night. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention how he's been sleeping at my apartment with me again? It feels nice knowing I will wake up against his warm body. He's been handling my night terrors. He holds me until he thinks I'm asleep again, but sometimes I'm not. Which is how I found out he's having them too.

They've been making me journal. They say it helps with PTSD. I should make Roman try it then.

Every moment I have had with Roman has shaped me.

When I had him, I learned how to live.

When I had him, I learned how to accept consequences and to take responsibility for my actions.

When I didn't have him anymore, I had to learn to do that all over again.

I now know I can exist without him. (P.S. I realized the last part before the whole him saving my life from a Rottweiler attack thing so don't take me too literal.)

It's better this way.

I'm better now.

It made me ready for when he was ready to fully have me.

Roman has woken up every night with a night terror. I've been off my pills for a little while now so I've been giving him my remaining sleeping pills. He asks for them and says he won't sleep without them, but I keep trying to tell him about the pills making the nightmares worse.

He tells me he'll be fine; he tells me they will eventually go away the way mine did. They will, but it makes me sad he has to go through this too. When I told him how I felt, he gave me a slight smile and told me it's better this way because we're going through it together this time.

Our nights are restless and our days are somber, but we both have strength, and together we have more. We'll not only survive, but we will do it with more passion than most, because now we know what's at stake.

Life is a series of contradictions. Irony in every aspect. It is so simple and utterly complex. It is agonizingly joyful. Most importantly, life is ideally infinite, and realistically far too brief. I don't take a single moment I have the privilege to experience for granted anymore, be it what it may. I will continue to love Roman, and I will love hard. Can't stop. Won't stop. 

It's been four months since the incident responsible for bringing Roman and I back together. Neither one of us has had a nightmare in weeks. I haven't had a panic attack at all since, well, since before it even happened.

It's funny, really, it took a life threatening event to convince my body not to panic over the small things. It's not easy, however, I work my ass off trying to keep my body from giving in. I still get the feelings.