Just Tell Me (The Justice Series) (17 page)

Poor Daniel, no one but Alex knew how fragile he was inside, she knew he needed to see a doctor or a therap
ist. She didn’t know which, but she would talk to him properly once he had recovered, something like this could tip him over the edge, especially after the night before.  How could she tell him today?
Oh guess what Daniel, remember Nicole?
  She knew he wouldn’t take it well. The espresso machine started spluttering on the gas stove and she tried to move it off, she swore as the hot liquid started bubbling out of the top. Aware Daniel was walking into the room, she grabbed a pristine tea towel to move it from the stove as the coffee subsided. He sat by the window and looked out onto the barren winter landscape, the trees naked and blowing in the cold wind, a contrast to the balmy summer. Alex brought him a coffee and sat down next him.

“You OK?” 
He looked up at her as she spoke, he looked older than his years his skin pale and his blue eyes were grey.

“Oh
God Alex what happened?  What was in that tablet?”

Alex didn’t honestly know and felt so guilty “I’m sorry Daniel, it must have been a dodgy one, I felt fine, oh
God I’m so sorry” Alex felt the tears well up as she looked across at her friend. 

“Hey stop it” he said quietly “I’m a grown man it’s not like you forced me, OK”. 

They sat for a while in companionable silence and the colour was returning back to Daniel’s cheeks. Alex made them some scrambled eggs with soft bread and creamy butter, they moved to the sofa in the open plan living room.  He turned the TV on, to watch a cooking program on the large widescreen, neither really watching it, both friends were wrapped up in their own thoughts.

“Thanks Alex” Daniel turned to his friend “I don’t know what I would do without you”. 

She squeezed his hand and smiled back “Anytime, I know you would do the same for me”,

His
eyes crinkled into a smile. “What drug you?” 

They both laughed, Alex felt relieved to see some life returning back to her friend and event
ually went home. She would tell him about Nicole soon when his drug hangover had gone, she resolved.

Chapter 15

Nicole had to spend the next three days in the hospital as various midwifes showed her how to feed and bath her newborn baby. She managed to get out of bed and have a shower, her body felt battered; she felt like she had been in a car crash and struggled to walk as her C-section wound was healing. She felt as though her whole body had been ripped apart, and she spent her days nursing her son. It was like being in a surreal mental institution as she watched the other new mothers in the ward, with their husbands and boyfriends at their side. She couldn’t control the waves of emotion as she felt so alone and detached from reality.

Her mum and dad were there most of the time but then they went home and she was left alone in the ward with her little baby.  S
leep deprived, she felt so miserable, she just wanted to get home and start her life again as a single mother. The darkness of February crept into her heart as she thought of the lonely days ahead. The rest of her life ahead of her, with no Daniel to light up the void.

The day they left hospital was dark and grey, the clouds tumbled out of the
sky like billowing pillows. Cold winter air wrapped round her face as she breathed in the fresh air.  Nicole lent on her mum as she hobbled to the car, she didn’t want to stand up fully yet and she felt like she had been butchered. The nurse had said she had to stand up and walk properly or they weren’t letting her out and she knew she had to try. 

When they got home Nicole looked at the steep staircase leading up to the first floor “I need to get to my room
, but it feels so far” she took one step at a time, she held onto her mums arm and finally they were in her bedroom. Her parents had cleaned it, the posters had been removed and the Moses basket was setup next to her bed with a camp bed by the window.

“Y
our mum said she wanted to sleep up here with you for a bit, you know while you get healed, we would have decorated but it’s not good for the little one, all those paint fumes” her dad explained and her mum fluffed up a cushion on her bed, she had everything she needed up here and she settled down. Her mum sat down on a chair while her dad said he would bring some lunch, Nicole wasn’t hungry; she didn’t feel anything she just felt numb. 

She looked over at her sleeping baby; her mum had put him in the baby rocker they had bought a few weeks ago and felt a surge of love
through her numb sadness.
He is the only thing that matters in my life right now
, but she couldn’t even pick him up as she was too weak and was content to sit on the bed. It was almost as though he had ripped a part of her soul out when he was born, she felt empty inside, but she knew she would die for this little bundle. She was so grateful he was alive and healthy after the traumatic birth. Her eyes studied the room as though seeing it for the first time, everything the same and yet so different.

“
Never again” her mum looked over from the window as she spoke.

“You gave us a scare there you know, he
wasn’t coming out” she sat on the bed and hugged her daughter “We love you so much Nicole”.

Her dad brought some tea and homemade chocolate muffins, rich with chocolate chips and she played about with it the thought of eating it
, but she just felt sick at the thought.

“Thanks dad”

He looked at his daughter and his grandson, concern in his face. “Well I will be downstairs if you need anything” he looked over at his wife “You staying up here love?  I will bring the papers up”

He returned with the Sunday papers, untouched and the glossies were still in their
clear wrapping. They sat and flicked through the papers with the radio playing quietly in the background as George slept in his rocker. She skimmed through the supplements and read a couple of articles, her mind wasn’t reading anything. She kept looking over at her new born son and he was starting to stir, her mum got up.

“I will just change his nappy”
her mum fussed about the room, picking him up and changing him, she gave him his bottle and put him back in his rocker. Nicole smiled as she watched her mum with her baby, turning the pages to the gossip section. 

“Oh my fucking
God” she spoke out loud and her mum looked up, surprised by her daughters sudden outburst.

“What’s wrong?” her voice full of concern, Nicole was staring at the photos, she was sure that was Paul embracing Daniel in one of the gossip
photos. She studied it closely. The caption read.

“Single
and Loaded and Out and Proud”

S
he read about how playboy Daniel MacIntyre was out in Edinburgh’s gay hotspot in an apparent romp. The other photo showed Daniel outside the club being held by a beautiful woman, her cleavage spilling out of her top as her eyes glared into the camera. Daniel behind her with his eyes shut, Paul stood by her side. Nicole couldn’t take her eyes off Paul. His eyes looked wide with fear, any other time she would have burst out laughing but not now.
What the hell was he doing?
 

“Where is my phone?”  She asked her mum, she hadn’t thought about checking her messages, still shell-shocked b
y the birth and having a baby “Mum, do you know where it is?” she had urgency in her voice. 

Her mum went downstairs and Nicole looked over at Geo
rge “This is what it’s going to be like for us, finding pictures of daddy in the paper” she told her sleeping baby. She used the word daddy without feeling, he wasn’t a daddy and she didn’t need him.  Her emotions were all over the place, she suddenly didn’t feel sad about Daniel anymore she was just angry at him for being such a dick. Her mum brought her phone up and Nicole stuck it on charge, even as the first bar lit up it started beeping at her, a string of messages appeared on her Facebook profile.

She opened a text from Libby
asking where she was, it was dated 14
the
and she quickly replied with her news about George, and then read the messages from Paul on Facebook. 

“
Nicole don’t believe the papers it’s bullshit, I was helping him, I gave his friend your number don’t be mad x
“

She didn’t reply to Paul, instead she posted her baby news on her
Facebook profile and a couple of people liked it instantly.  Her phone kept beeping and she got another message from Paul.

“
Nicole!!!?” 

She slammed the phone down on the bed. George jumped and started stirring and she switched the phone off and put it away in her bedside draw.
I can’t deal with any of this right now
. 

Tears started to well in her eyes, she wanted her baby and her mum passed him over. Nicole
breathed his newborn smell and held him, his little hand curled round her finger and he snuggled into her. It was like having a part of Daniel with her now, even though she would never see him again and her heart soared in pain and elation. Her emotions were a wreck; one minute she felt nothing, the next it was too much to handle and she couldn’t understand anything. She swung between a powerful love for her son and an irrational hatred for his father. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow and they wet Georges head.  She just wanted to stay here forever with her son and her parents, she didn’t want to deal with Pauls drama or Daniel or any of it. 

It seemed trivial and surreal now going out drinking and clu
bbing into the early hours, and she felt frustrated with Daniel. He was out clubbing the night their baby had been born and her tears turned to sobs, she had no claim on him. She felt so vulnerable now. He had well and truly got his revenge on her, he was a dangerous man and her tears dried up as she fed her baby. She wanted to be on her own and couldn’t face the outside world, and she didn’t have to, she rationalised. She could stay right here as long as she wanted to.

Chapte
r 15

March

Libby finally managed to get hold of Nicole, she had to ring the house phone to finally get hold of her friend.

“I’ve been texting you
, why didn’t you reply? I’m coming over now”  Nicole was sat on the sofa in the lounge when her friend came in with a bag of wine and chocolates. She sat on the floor and looked at George who was nearly three weeks old.

“T
hat’s from both me and Anna”  she prodded the bag of goodies and peered at his little face “God he looks just like Daniel” she said, unsure what to do around babies, “Look he’s got his grumpy pouty face” she looked at Nicole and they started laughing.

“
Oh stop” Nicole said “I don’t want my insides falling out.  I’m glad you are here, I’ve been so miserable, and it was just awful”.  Nicole skimmed over the birth story, Libby pulled faces as she described her slow healing C-section wound. Nicole had often wondered why woman who had babies liked to talk about the gruesome details of their birth and now she knew, she was in such a bubble, nothing else to talk about. She wondered how much Libby knew about Daniel now, if Paul had told Anna, which inevitably he would have.

She carried on talking to L
ibby about her birth experience, it was either that or the contents of her son’s nappies, and she knew Libby would draw the line at that. Libby was unsure what to make of birth stories but the thought of being cut open and a baby being extracted sounded medieval. She shuddered, opened the chocolates and told Nicole her news.

“I’m getting married!” she squealed as she showed Nicole the ring on her finger.  George jumped and stretched out in his rocker, Nicole bent down and picked up her son before the screaming started
again “Oh it was so romantic Nicole” Libby said “He asked me on Valentines Day, we haven’t set a date yet but I’m hoping it’s this year”.  Nicole smiled fondly at her friend; she was really pleased for her, but she couldn’t help feeling bitter at Libby and Anna’s lives, compared to hers. 

Libby looked at her friend, she was too wrapped up in her own bubble of happiness to know how he
r words stung. “I know you have a lot on, Nicole” she said “But I would love it if you could be my bridesmaid, I wasn’t sure to ask you, you know, now you have George“. 

Nicole took her hand “O
f course” she said, please to have been asked “You know just because I have a baby doesn’t mean I’m a different person, I might not be able to join you for cocktails every Friday night but I’m still me, please don’t alienate me, ok?”. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes,
please just treat me like before.

Her
mum walked and sat down “Hello love” she said to Libby, pleased to see her daughters oldest friend “I hope you can cheer up our Nicole, she won’t leave the house you know” Libby looked at Nicole, she had been so wrapped up in her own news she hadn’t noticed her greasy hair and the old dressing gown she was wearing.

“
Right come on you,” she said “And I’m not taking no for an answer, we are going out for a walk with the pram, it’s lovely out there” she pointed up at the sky though the window. Nicole felt a surge of anxiety, she didn’t want to go outside and face the world, but she looked at Libby’s face and knew she had no choice.  Libby prodded her “But go and have a shower first, you stink” she laughed and Nicole smiled for the first time in weeks. 

Nicole’s
mum looked at Libby when she had gone “I’m so pleased you’re here Libby and thank you for getting her out of that dressing gown, you know we don’t mind watching George if she wants to go out with you sometime”. Libby smiled, she would get the old Nicole back and she ate another chocolate, staring at George.  He stared back at her, his blue eyes glared at her and she tried to smile at him, he really looked like his father, a constant reminder. No wonder Nicole was depressed. 

Nicole wasn’t sure what to take out with her and her mum gave her Georges changing bag, both her and Libby peered into it.  So much stuff
. Nicole was worried before she even left the house,
what I am supposed to do with this? 
She lifted out a breast pad and looked at her mum.

“Well you never know when it might
come in handy” her mum shrugged. Nicole manoeuvred the buggy out of the front door and the spring air hit her face. She took a deep breath and they set off up the road.

“Where are we going
?” she asked Libby, and she shrugged her shoulders so they walked in the direction of the park.

“I
sn’t that where mums go?” her friend asked as they walked “Look Nicole there are your new friends” Libby prodded Nicole and they looked over at a group of woman stood together, a mixture of prams, babies and unruly toddlers pulling at their mothers hands. One was smoking a cigarette while peering into her friends pram, Nicole looked in horror,
was one of them holding a can of Special Brew?
 

“C
ome on, oh God that’s not me, you know” she grabbed her friend and they marched through the park, Nicole felt surprisingly good, her wound wasn’t hurting and she felt the fresh air filling her lungs. She needed to get out more often, she resolved to find somewhere to go and spend her days with George, she couldn’t stay in the house all day forever. It was time to build her new life.  

As t
hey stopped at the entrance to the park, Nicole looked at her friend “So come on, Libby it’s not like you. Did Paul mention his magazine debut?”  Libby looked at her in surprise, she didn’t know Nicole knew.

“
Erm yes, well it would appear Daniel has your number, are you going to switch your phone on and see if he’s contacted you?” Libby would usually have been all over Nicole about this, but she could see her friend was fragile.

“
Not yet. I just can’t face it Libby. After months of believing I would never see or hear from him again, and after George”. She scowled “I just can’t deal with the emotion at the moment, I have felt so depressed, so low” the tears started to fall and Libby held her friend as the tears turned to sobs. “Oh I’m sorry Libby” she took a breath and wiped her tears away. 

“Don’t be silly, you know I’m here for yo
u whenever you need me”

They got back the house and Nicole hugged her
again “Thanks Libby I wouldn’t have gone out if it hadn’t been for you”.

“W
ell switch your phone back on and get back in the world of Facebook, works not the same when I don’t have you to chat to, I can’t look busy typing to anyone else, and we have a wedding to plan, Anna said she needs you back as well she’s panicking about hers too, you are the only one that can organise us, we need you” the sparkle in her eyes made Nicole smile. 

Libby knew Nicole would
talk about it in her own time “And I need to know what Daniel says” Nicole felt another wave of panic,
what he says?  Because he’s going to ring me and he’s going to try and see me again.
Libby hugged her friend tightly “You know I’m here for you anytime you need me” she smiled warmly at her and left the house, still wanting to raise the issue, she would once Nicole ventured back into Facebook again.  Nicole thought about Paul for the first time as she waved Libby away. 

The knot of tension in her stomach tightened as she wondered what was waiting for her on her phone, she had closed off all thoughts of Dani
el since Paul had messaged her. She couldn’t cope with any of it, her stomach churned and she knew it was too early, she didn’t want to face a situation where she would tell him about George. She didn’t want a part time dad, or even worse a dad that didn’t want to know.

George slept
in his pram as she tidied up the lounge, sneaking a chocolate from the box Libby had left for her as she folded away the old blanket sitting on the sofa.
This has got to stop too
she thought
I’m no longer recovering from an operation and I have no desire to spend anymore time watching daytime TV. 
She felt hungry for the first time in ages.  She would cook dinner for her parents and she grabbed George as he started to stir.

“M
um come on” she said to her mum who was sat folding the clean washing “Lets go shopping, I want to cook” her mum looked up from her pile of socks, Nicole had some colour to her cheeks and she looked happier. 
At last
she thought as she grabbed her keys.

“What do you want to eat?” she as
ked and Nicole suggested a million different dishes on the way to the supermarket.

“Wild mushroom risotto with goats cheese, followed by rack of lamb with broad beans and caramelised onions, no wait a whole turbot with olive oil a
nd artichokes” Nicole laughed “Oh I don’t know, I just want to cook!”  She felt great and determined to keep her mood light, trying not to think about her mobile phone hidden away in the draw. She didn’t know if she would wake up in the morning feeling unable to face the world again and she didn’t want anything spoiling her mood. She would switch that phone on when she felt ready.

April

As the days turned into weeks, Nicole told her mum she could manage on her own at night. They had developed a routine as such over the last few weeks but she hardly slept. The moment she put him in the Moses basket, closed her eyes and tried to sleep he would wake up screaming as though his lungs were on fire. The only time he would settle was if he was in bed with Nicole, curled up next to her.  Nicole couldn’t sleep, she had read all the warnings about co-sleeping and couldn’t relax and daren’t move in case she woke him up. 

She would stare at the shadows in her room
and wait for his breathing to become regular and then move him as carefully as she could into his basket. Her mind wandered in the darkness, always thinking of Daniel and pushing her to think about switching that phone on, she trained herself to stop thinking about what was waiting for her.  She thought of her son, he was growing quickly and she could feel his toes almost touching the ends of his 0-3 month baby grows. Anna’s wedding was already on her mind for October, the thought of helping her organise it became less of a chore.  She had told Libby to tell her she would contact her soon and that she was still her bridesmaid.
Tell her I’m having a midlife crisis.
  Anna of all people would understand. 

They had sailed through their six week check and Nicole was starting to eat properly again, she even took the advice of the doctor and h
ad a new contraceptive implant. She laughed at the time but he said it would help her with her periods so she agreed. The sun shone through her window as Nicole woke up and stretched out on the bed, her mum had taken George shopping which left her the morning free to relax and catch up with some sleep. She climbed out of bed and stood in front of the mirror to look at herself. 

It had been ten weeks since her son had been born, her belly was still saggy, and her section scar was so red and angry loo
king, she was told that it would fade overtime but Nicole could never see it going completely.
A permanent reminder of childbirth
she reminded herself and made a note to start going to the gym again to get her belly toned up.  She had started gently running round the park again and could feel her body becoming fitter as she exercised and ate properly again.

Her mum was more than happy to have George, she told her to get out a
nd enjoy herself, Nicole mused that enjoyment was now defined in a 30 minute run. She ran her hands down her legs and couldn’t remember the last time she had shaved them. She smiled as she remembered her former self, the one that wouldn’t have left the house without shaving her legs.
The advantages of not having a sex life
, she thought and she sat on the bed. 

She thought of the last time she had sex, the afternoon s
he went to the penthouse, how she felt as his arms held her and he had made love to her on the bed and she felt her tummy do a flip.  The details were etched on her mind forever.
I wonder which time I got pregnant?
Her mind raced at the thought Daniel. Her hormonal anger towards him had gone, he had visited her in dreams so much and she had forced herself to not think of him during the day.

Only at night was it an obsession, it took over her mind and soul and she let him penetrate her thoughts.
She remembered the day she had come back from hospital, seeing his face in the papers, she didn’t know what Paul had or hadn’t said to him.  What on earth were they doing? She had been scared to switch on her phone in case he had told him too much, but she knew she had to face up to it soon.

She reached in her draw found her phone and plugged it back into the charger,
holding it in her hand as the screen went white. Her heart was beating so quickly and she felt butterflies in her tummy as the battery light flashed. It seemed to take ages while it found the signal and the phone started beeping with unanswered messages, she looked at the call log, 58 missed calls, and five text messages. She flicked through the numbers, most were private numbers, and a mobile she didn’t recognise, but she instantly knew it was him. Her hand was shaking as she opened her messages.

HI IT’S DANIEL
MACINTYRE. YOUR FRIEND SAID YOU MIGHT WANT TO CATCH UP? WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU