Kane Samantha - Brothers in arms 1 (9 page)

Tonight?”

Kate laughed shakily. “Yes, yes, tonight,” she sighed resignedly. “I knew it was a bad idea to give you the opportunity to talk me into something I’ll probably regret.”

45

Samantha Kane

“What are you doing here?” Kate’s greeting was less than welcoming, but Tony responded with a wide, guileless smile as he squeezed past her into the house. Jason followed looking equally as innocent.

Tony answered as he was taking off his hat and gloves and setting them on the same chair he had the evening before. “You said we would discuss our marriage proposal tonight, so here we are.”

“Yes, well, we never made firm plans after we left Gunther’s. I assumed you would send me a note and come by later.” Kate wasn’t sure why she was being so ungracious.

Part of her was thrilled to see them, but another part had warning bells going off; they were applying too much pressure. She’d hardly had time to think about their last encounter before they were back, pushing and manipulating her. She felt that small kernel of panic in her chest growing into a large, fully formed knot.

Jason attempted a pout. It looked unnatural on him, and Kate’s scowl let him know she was not moved. He tried another tack that was far more effective than pouting—the truth.

“We couldn’t wait to see you again. And we’re hungry. What’s for dinner?” He grinned unrepentantly and pushed Kate gently out of the way, sniffing the air as he followed the narrow hallway to the back of the house. “Is the dining room this way?”

Kate stood with arms crossed in front of her, mentally gritting her teeth. “We don’t eat in the dining room. No servants, remember? Mrs. Castle leaves a small meal for us, and Veronica and I eat in the kitchen. I’m sure there’s not enough for four.”

“Nonsense!” Tony said jovially. He took Kate by the elbow and guided her in Jason’s wake. “I’m sure we’ll make do. Your Mrs. Castle is, no doubt, an excellent cook.

Our cook, on the other hand, is awful, bloody awful. You wouldn’t send us away, knowing that we’ll be forced to eat nearly inedible beef and soggy pudding, would you?”

“Yes,” Kate said succinctly, as she allowed Tony to steer her along. She heard Veronica’s delighted greeting as Jason found the kitchen ahead of them.

“Stop being so inhospitable, Kate darling,” Tony said with a sigh. “I might become demoralized.”

“And when can I count on that happening?” Kate asked in a hopeful tone. “Soon?”

“I almost believe you mean the awful things you say, Kate. Almost,” Tony said with a smile, and a slow caress of her behind. Before she could respond, he glided around her and into the kitchen.

46

The Courage To Love

Jason and Tony gave Kate no time to be embarrassed about her straitened circumstances. They fumbled around the kitchen to Veronica’s delight, helping to set the table and serve dinner. Mrs. Castle had left a sparse meal, usually all Kate and Veronica required in the evening. No one complained, however, and Kate was able to find enough bread and cheese to fill them up after the main course of meat and potatoes. Hardly fare fit for titled, wealthy gentlemen, but the two hardly seemed to notice what they were eating as they slowly drew Kate out, with Veronica’s help, and got her talking about her shop, and even laughing at some of their witticisms.

After dinner, they insisted on drying the dishes as Kate washed. She looked up and the sight of the two of them, their coats removed and sleeves rolled up, looking quite at home in her kitchen, joking with Veronica, suddenly made Kate’s chest tight as her eyes filled with tears. A year ago this would have been a dream come true. Now it was a harsh reminder of all she could not have. Not just with Jason and Tony, but with any man. Her reputation was beyond salvaging, and few decent men would have her. And even if they would, she refused to ruin their good names by association.

If she were honest with herself, she thought as she surreptitiously wiped the tears from her cheeks, she was afraid—afraid to have this, because she could get hurt. There were no guarantees in life, she knew that, having buried one husband, and been abused and debased by a man she thought she could trust. What if she had this, and then lost it? She didn’t think she’d recover from that; better not to have it at all.

“Why are you crying, my dear?” Tony asked her very quietly, as he reached for the dripping dish she held out to him. His voice was low enough that Jason and Veronica, laughing on the other side of the room, didn’t hear him.

“Oh, Tony, for so many reasons,” she sighed, sniffling.

“Well, we haven’t broken any dishes, and dinner was more than serviceable, so you’ll have to be more specific,” he teased.

She sent him a weak smile. “I’d rather not discuss it right now. Later, after Veronica retires. Then I’ll tell you the reasons, although I’m afraid you won’t like them.”

Tony frowned. “Perhaps we should postpone that discussion. You need more time to think.”

Kate looked at him, her eyes pools of sorrow. “No, I don’t need more time, Tony.

The sooner it’s over, the better.”

“The sooner what’s over? What are you two talking about? Kate, has Tony made you cry?” Neither had noticed Jason as he walked over for another dish.

“Out,” Veronica said, marching over and taking the dishrag from Jason’s hand, while holding out her hand for Tony to place his there.

“What?” Jason asked.

“Go to the drawing room and do whatever it is gentlemen do while they wait for ladies after dinner. I need to talk to my aunt.” She herded them both out of the kitchen, closed the door firmly behind them, and turned to face Kate.

47

Samantha Kane

“Are you mad?” she asked her in a disbelieving tone. “Are you completely insane, a bedlamite? Those two men are so in love with you, it’s almost embarrassing, once one gets past the raging jealousy. And you’re going to throw it all away, aren’t you? Throw happiness and security, a home and family away, for what? I don’t understand you.”

Veronica’s tone had been rising as she spoke, and she verged on shouting by the time she finished. Kate turned to her sharply.

“Do not use that tone with me, young lady. I am still your elder, and your guardian.

And this is hardly a proper topic to be discussing with my young niece, no matter how mature she thinks she is. What I choose to do about Jason and Tony is none of your business.”

“None of my business? None of my business? That hurts, Aunt Kate, it really hurts.

I love you more than any one else in the world. You’re my only family, my anchor, my hero, my mother, my father, everything to me. Your happiness is nearly the most important thing in life to me. And you deserve happiness, you do. That’s all I want, for you to be happy. And I think Jason and Tony can make you happy. Oh, Aunt Kate, let them love you, please.” Her voice broke at the end, and she rushed across the room to throw her arms around Kate. “Oh, please let them love you. Let them love me.”

Kate held Veronica close as her words sank in. Was she being unfair to Veronica?

Jason and Tony represented security to her, the father figures she’d never really had in her life, and apparently had missed. And yet the whole relationship was unwholesome, depraved by most standards. Did Veronica realize that? Did she care? Should she? She stroked the girl’s long dark hair.

“Veronica, darling, if I agree to marry them, do you understand what that means?

Society thinks me beyond the pale now, but if it is revealed that I am a wife to both of them, we shall all be shunned. You included. I can’t do that to you, my dearest. Your future happiness depends on my doing the right thing, and I think the right thing is to send them away.” This time Kate’s voice broke. Veronica hugged her tighter. “As much as it will hurt, and I won’t lie to you, it will hurt, I have to stop seeing them. I have to make them go away and stay away, do you understand?”

Veronica nodded into Kate’s shoulder without raising her head. “Good. There now, settle your mind, darling.” Kate put her hands on Veronica’s cheeks and pulled her head up so they were face to face. “It’s been us against the world for a while now, and we’ve done just fine. We’ll be fine again. You’ll see.”

Veronica nodded and pulled away from Kate. She walked dejectedly to the door, stopping at the threshold. “I had so hoped we could be more than fine, Aunt Kate.

Wouldn’t that be grand?” she asked quietly, then turned and pushed through the door.

“Good night.”

48

The Courage To Love

Veronica’s parting words haunted Kate as she finished cleaning up the kitchen, putting off her discussion with Jason and Tony as long as she could. When she was done she tried to be brisk and efficient, putting her apron away and marching down the hallway as if to battle. The closer she got to the drawing room, however, the more her steps slowed and her breath hitched and her hands trembled. The door was open and she just stood on the threshold looking in at them, unable to make her feet carry her in.

Jason and Tony stared back. Jason sat on the settee, his forearms resting on his powerful thighs, his hands clasped as he turned his head to pin her with his heated gaze. Tony rose slowly from the chair she had sat in just last night. She closed her eyes and forcibly pushed back the memories. When she opened them, Tony walked over to her, and taking her hand, led her into the room, closing the door behind them.

The sound of the door latch catching shook Kate from her stupor. She pulled away from Tony and in a shaking voice, higher pitched with panic, she said, “I just need to get this over with. Please, don’t make this any harder, for all our sakes. I can’t be with you, you know that. It’s wrong in so many ways. To take both of you as husband, well, first, it isn’t legal, and second, it’s immoral. I also refuse to taint your names by association. You saw how Mrs. Trueheart reacted today. It will be more of the same, or worse, if we were to marry. Don’t you see?”

She was begging them, pleading with them, her hands outstretched. Tony walked over to the chair he’d left, and sat again.

“Kate, please, sit down. Before any final decisions are made, please sit down and hear us out.” His own voice was hoarse with emotion.

Kate responded to his distress instinctually. She walked over and lowered herself down next to Jason, reaching a hand out to Tony. “Oh, Tony, there’s nothing you can say to change my mind.”

Jason took Kate’s offered hand and brushed a light kiss across her palm, causing her to shudder, from desire, yes, but also from the tumult of emotions coursing through her—love, anger, fear, helplessness. She gripped Jason’s hand tightly.

“We’ve never explained what happened, during the war,” he told her, his face and voice somber. “We’ve never told you how we came to be together in this way.” He let go of her hand and stood, moving away to face the empty fireplace. “No matter where we go from here, we’d like you to understand that.”

He turned back to her, waiting for some response. She nodded, uncertain, yet curious in spite of herself. She looked at Tony and he was watching her intently. She turned back to Jason when he spoke again.

49

Samantha Kane

“I’m not going to tell you about the horrors of the war, Kate. You don’t need to know those details, just that it was horrible. Death everywhere, in all its gore and all its stages, we saw it, every day. We went to war as acquaintances, friends of a sort, and soon, unconsciously, we began to ride together. To watch each other’s backs, as it were.

Countless times Tony saved my life, and I’m sure I did the same for him.” He stopped to look at Tony, who nodded, but was too overcome by emotion and memories to speak.

“Eventually, I began to feel as if I was walking in a haze, separated from the rest of the world. Nothing and no one could touch me, not emotionally. I was dying inside. I needed some connection to the living, and so did Tony, but we didn’t know how to make that connection. We had whores, there in the camp, and made use of them, but there was no connection there, no emotion. It was like eating, a physical need met, but that was all. Until I walked in on Tony and a woman one night, in our tent.”

He turned away from Kate and scrubbed at his face with his hands. She could see he was trying to get his emotions under control, and it wasn’t easy. When he turned back to her, his hair was standing out at his temples and the rumpled, lost look it gave him twisted her heart.

“I walked in on them,” he continued, looking directly at her, “and without thinking I joined them. I tore off my clothes and fell on them. It was Tony, you see, Tony was my connection, I just hadn’t realized it. I can’t even remember the whore’s name, or her face, just the feeling of being close to Tony, of sharing that woman with him, that moment, that life-affirming act. We fucked the poor girl so hard, and so long, that night, I was surprised when she walked out the next morning.” He chuckled wryly. “I know I could hardly walk, myself.”

Tony was slouched down in the chair, his hand covering his eyes, a half-smile on his face. He spoke for the first time. “Lord, yes. You were like a madman, and so was I.

When I watched you, touched you as you were fucking her, felt your body flex with strain, it was as if I could finally breathe again. I knew, as soon as you fell on us, that life would never be the same again. And I’ve never regretted it.”

He sat up, and looked at Kate, and she was surprised to see tracks on his face, left by his tears. “Do you understand, Kate? I need Jason, and he needs me. Together, we keep the wolves at bay. And there are wolves, Kate, for all of us.”

He got up and quickly moved to the settee to sit next to her. “The point is, Kate, that even without you, there is a Jason and me. But with you, it’s, oh Christ, I’m not saying this right. I love Jason, but he isn’t my lover. You are my lover, and I love that you are also his. Does that make sense?”

Kate slowly nodded. “Yes, I understand, I think. And it’s all right. I mean, of course you knew it was.” She smiled a little deprecatingly at them. “It was more than all right, wasn’t it?”