Kane, Samantha - Brothers in arms 7 (27 page)

Sarah’s comments cut Gideon to the quick. That he had done this for her, made her accept herself in such a way, made her life easier on such a fundamental level, meant the world to him. He glanced at Charles. But he did have memories of his life before his own disfigurement. And so did Charles. And that was what Charles couldn’t forget.

Gideon was fighting a losing battle for Charles with a ghost of himself.

141

Samantha Kane

“I contacted that London doctor, Dr. Phinneas Jones. He will be arriving here at the end of this week,” Gideon announced at breakfast.

“Who?” Sarah asked, clearly confused.

Charles put down his tea as he stared at Gideon. It had been almost three weeks since the dinner party where Stephen Matthews had mentioned the doctor, but Charles remembered the conversation clearly. He knew instantly whom Gideon referred to.

“Why?” He tried to keep the anger out of his tone. He had to believe that Gideon had done it for the right reasons. But dammit, Sarah didn’t need the doctor. She was fine.

No, better than fine—beautiful. Gideon had said so himself at dinner. And nothing since. Nothing about contacting this doctor.

Gideon was watching Charles, not Sarah. “I did not contact him for Sarah.”

Charles eyes widened in disbelief. “For you?” Gideon nodded. “Dammit, Gideon,”

Charles burst out. He stopped when Gideon looked over at Anders, who had frozen by the sideboard.

“That will be all right now, Anders,” Gideon told him. “We shall let you know when we are finished.” Anders bowed blandly and left the room and Gideon turned back to Charles. “You may now continue your tirade.”

“No, he may not. Not until this is explained to me.” Sarah spoke firmly from across the table, looking between the two of them. “Who is Dr. Phinneas Jones?” She broke with a tremulous little sigh and reached for Gideon’s hand. “And what is wrong with you, Gideon, that you need a doctor?”

Gideon let her clutch his hand. He had become blasé about Sarah’s touches. He let her handle his scarred hands and face all the time without pulling away anymore.

Which made his decision to contact this charlatan doctor all the more confounding.

“Dr. Jones is the man Mr. Matthews met in London who claimed he could rid people of their birthmarks, my dear.” Gideon still spoke calmly. “I contacted him about my scars.”

Sarah recoiled. “Gideon, you mustn’t! These doctors do not know what they’re doing. It’s a trick, a lie.” She entreated him earnestly, leaning forward on the table now.

“Don’t let him touch you, Gideon. He will kill you as soon as cure you. I know it.”

“Sarah—” Gideon began in a placating tone.

Charles cut him off. “Listen to her. And listen to me. You are being an idiot again.

We do not mind your scars, Gideon. No one does. For whom do you wish to remove them?”

142

Love’s Fortress

“Can I not wish to remove them for myself?” Gideon inquired. “Is it not enough that I wish to be free of them?”

Sarah looked stricken. “I did not think they bothered you to that extent. Gideon, what Charles says is true. The scars do not affect me. You are Gideon, just the way you are. And I adore you.” She grabbed his hand again and kissed his palm. “If removing the scars will take you away from me, I do not wish it.”

“Do you not wonder what I looked like without them?” Gideon asked quietly. The question was directed at Sarah, but Charles answered.

“I know what you looked like without them. And I am your lover today with them.” Charles was stricken as well. No matter what this doctor did, Gideon would not be the same no matter how much he wished to be. And it tore Charles up inside. Every day he tried to show Gideon that the man he was now was all Charles could wish for.

And every day he felt as if he failed Gideon in some way.

The past was the past. The dreams came less frequently. If Gideon did this Charles was afraid it would dredge up the old memories again. He was through with them. He had moved on, into this life with Gideon and Sarah. A life he would not trade for anything—not even to have Gideon hale and hearty again. And that made Charles feel immeasurably guilty. There was a time that he would have given everything to make Gideon the man he was. But that time was past. Now they had Sarah, and what the three of them had together was better than what he and Gideon could have had alone.

“Perhaps this is not about you, Charles.” Gideon spoke coolly.

“Well perhaps it should be,” Charles snapped. “Perhaps it should be about me and Sarah. What does this treatment consist of?”

Gideon averted his eyes and that told Charles more than any words could. “I thought so. How ill will you be, Gideon? Is it going to kill you, as Sarah warned?”

“Don’t be overly dramatic,” Gideon said. “Yes, I will be ill for a time, during the treatment. It involves minuscule amounts of poison administered in a draught as well as in a cream rubbed into the scars. Not enough to kill, but enough to putrefy the skin so that it heals properly.”

“Putrefy the skin?” Sarah whispered in horror. She slid her chair back from the table so quickly it toppled over as she stood, her hand over her mouth, the blood draining from her face.

Charles rose angrily and went to her side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

She was shaking. “Look what you are doing to her!” he barked at Gideon. “Just the thought has her shaking like a leaf. Can you imagine what she will be like during the treatment? Did you think of us at all when you made this decision?”

Gideon carefully placed his napkin on the table, picked up his crutches and rose from his chair. “I thought of nothing else. You are correct, Charles, this should be about you and Sarah and it is. You both deserve some level of normalcy in our arrangement. I can provide that if I look more like a man and less like an abomination.”

143

Samantha Kane

“Gideon, we love you just as you are. How many times must we say it before you believe it?” Sarah’s voice wavered and Charles saw her bite her trembling lip. Tears filled her eyes. “We have a wonderful life. I don’t want to change it. We all decided we didn’t want a normal life, not what passes for normal. We want to be together, all three of us. And we’re happy, aren’t we?”

Gideon reached his hand out beseechingly. “We can be happier, Sarah. Charles once told me that I wanted to be more for you than I was. He was right. He is right. I want to be the man I was for both of you.”

“What you want cannot be, Gideon,” Charles told him in a tired voice. “Sarah told them at that dinner that she would not change her life, she would not remove her birthmark because she had all she could want and removing it would not change her life in any way. That her mark had brought us all together.”

“I said it then, but it is not the way I have always felt.” Sarah’s voice was quiet and sad. “There was a time when I would have given anything to get rid of it.” Charles turned to her only to see her staring at Gideon as if her heart were breaking. “That was when I had nothing of my own. I feel that way now because what I have is enough.

Both of you and the farm are enough for me. I cannot envision being any happier than I am right now.”

“Then this has to be enough, Gideon. It is enough for Sarah and me. Why can’t it be enough for you?” What he really wanted to ask was why he couldn’t be enough. He had never been enough for Gideon.

Gideon’s face hardened. “You say that but you don’t mean it. You know, Charles, you know what I was like before. How can you say the man before you now is enough?” He gave Charles no time to answer. “I am happy with the two of you, happier than I ever thought I would be, after the war. But we can be happier still. If I remove the scars, all the unhappiness associated with them will be gone too.”

“I have no unhappiness associated with them.” Sarah’s voice was gaining strength again. “I have never known you any differently than you are now.” She reached down and straightened her chair with Charles’ help. When it was upright she held on to the back tightly. “If you did not have your scars would you have married me? If you were the man you were before?”

Gideon hesitated a moment and Charles wanted to strangle him. “Yes, I would have,” he finally answered. “But the chances of our meeting in those circumstances would have been very slim. I was planning on a life with Charles.”

“With no wife,” Sarah added woodenly. “And now you are stuck with one.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Gideon snapped. “I would have fallen in love with you then as I have now. I do not want to change what we have, Sarah. I only want to change what I am, what I look like. Why is that so wrong?”

Sarah sat back down wearily. “It is not wrong, Gideon. I’m sorry. I just…” She shook her head. “I will support you whatever you do, you know that.”

144

Love’s Fortress

Charles stared at her aghast. “What are you saying? You’ll sit by and blithely watch him throw his life away on an impossible dream? You know it won’t work! And if it does, it won’t matter.” He turned to glare at Gideon. “Do you hear me? It won’t matter.

It doesn’t matter what you look like to me.” He stalked over to Gideon and nearly overset him when he grabbed his shoulders and kissed him. The first time he’d kissed him anywhere but in the privacy of the bedroom. Gideon kissed him back, reaching around and clutching a fistful of his jacket as he let Charles ravage his mouth. Gideon moaned when Charles pulled back. “I want you, scars and all. I want you because of who you are, not what you look like.”

Gideon laughed wryly and shoved him away. “You can say that because you’re perfect, Charles. You’re strong and virile and handsome. You are the honey to the bee.

But for the rest of us, we are what we look like. It affects everything we do and the way the world perceives us.” He cast a baleful eye on Charles. “You said it yourself—you treated me differently after my injuries. You believed I was capable of less. And that was because of the way I look.”

“He’s right.” Sarah spoke calmly from the table, where she was pouring herself a fresh cup of tea. It was no longer steaming. Her shaking hands belied her steady tone.

“My whole life has been defined by my birthmark. Even this marriage occurred because of it.” She looked up and met Charles’ eyes. He could see how hard this was for her. “I cannot blame Gideon for what he wants, Charles. I have no recollection of being perfect as he does. This is all I have known and at one time I dreamed of being rid of my deformity. It must be worse for Gideon. This is not enough for him. I’m sorry for that.

I’m sorry we weren’t enough. But I cannot be angry with him for it.”

“It is not about whether or not this is enough.” Gideon’s hand slashed the air. “Of course it is enough. I love you both. I am happy with you both. I want no others. This is about me not being enough for
you
. I know what you say,” he told Charles as he started to say something, “but I also know that deep inside you wish for it. And I have the chance to give it to you, Charles. Let me give you the man you first fell in love with.”

Sarah covered her face with her hands at his words and Charles cursed. “If you are referring to Captain North, I don’t want him! I thought I loved him. I realize now I didn’t know what love was.” He paced to the window and shoved a hand through his hair and then turned to face Gideon again. “You are different now, Gideon. And I like it. No, I love it. You’re not afraid to admit that you love me, to be with me. You were afraid then.” It was his turn to shush Gideon with a slash of his hand. “We fought all the time, Gideon. Perhaps you don’t remember that, perhaps you don’t want to. But I do. Without Sarah…I found it increasingly hard to be with you, Gideon. I cared for you, but I couldn’t live with you.” He looked at Sarah then and she was watching him with wide, startled eyes. “What happened to you, Gideon, and Sarah’s influence, have made you the man I can love today.” He licked his lips. “I don’t want him back, the other Gideon,” he whispered. “The one who thought more about duty and honor and sacrifice than he did of me.” He put both hands on his hips and blew out a breath, fighting tears. “I want the man in front of me, scars and all.”

145

Samantha Kane

“I don’t believe that.” Gideon sounded angry. Charles had had enough of Gideon’s anger.

“You only believe what you want to, what suits your ends!” Charles cried out. “I’m tired of our life revolving around your needs, Gideon.” Gideon looked as if Charles had struck him. “For once I want you to do what I want, what I need. And I want you to forget this idiocy. I want you to think of Sarah and me and what this will do to us.” For a moment Gideon appeared unsure, his resolve wavering. Charles pushed his advantage. “Every day I look at you Gideon and I see how close I came to losing you. I remember what we went through, what I had to do to save you. Don’t throw away those sacrifices.”

Gideon’s face hardened once more. “We will meet with the doctor and then I will make a final decision,” he said, ending the discussion. “Anders!” he called out. The butler returned immediately. Gideon bowed and took his leave. “I shall see you both later.” When the door shut behind him Charles closed his eyes in despair. He knew Gideon well enough to know he’d lost this battle.

* * * * *

When Charles came to them that night Gideon was surprised. He had not ended their conversation well this morning. But Charles had only confirmed his deepest fears.

He couldn’t look at Gideon without remembering. And Gideon hated that.

Sarah had been so quiet all day. Gideon had assured her over and over tonight of his love, his devotion, his need for her. Surely she didn’t think this would change the way he felt about her? He knew he was taking a risk, taking Sarah’s affections for granted by doing this. It wasn’t for Sarah. She cared for him as he was. But wasn’t that part of what being one of three meant? He had to think of each of them, Sarah and Charles, and weigh his decisions on what was best for all. And in this situation Sarah would still love him as much without scars, and Charles would be able to leave those awful memories behind.