Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 2.2 - Head Shy (10 page)
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Authors: Kate Sherwood
"Okay. That's… that's very different from Dan." Evan clinks his ice cubes. When Chris had first moved out, Evan had been a little careful with him, not wanting to offend or, worse, hurt Dan's friend. But he's gotten a lot more comfortable lately. "I mean, an outside observer… someone who was just looking at the numbers, the facts, without being able to assess your actual abilities, you understand… that observer might think that Dan, as someone who has in the past worked successfully at the top national levels of his field, might somehow be more professionally valued than, say, you, who has only worked at a mid-level firm in a pretty small regional market."
Chris nods placidly. "That's why you can't go by outside observation, man. An outsider wouldn't be able to see how awesome I am. Or how much Danny sucks." He smiles beatifically. "I told you, man—arrogance."
They sit quietly for a while. Evan can vaguely hear sounds from the kitchen; they don't really sound like cooking, but he's not too surprised by that.
Chris is the one to break the silence. "So, we've established that I'm super. How 'bout you? You having fun with this new… shit, we still haven't got a word for it, have we? Are we sticking with duogamy? Or just go for the value judgment, and call it 'faithful'?" Chris seems to be pretty interested in this. "I mean… okay, I can see why you would maybe not want to fish off the company pier, but there were other women noticing you today… I can't believe you used to have it that sweet, that you could
still
Head Shy | Kate Sherwood come home to Jeff with no guilt. And that you gave it
up. That's… I'm not sure, man, I think maybe your actions are a sign of mental illness."
Evan laughs. "No, man, it… yeah, it was sweet for a while, but…." He rubs the back of his neck. He's not sure if he wants to get into this with Chris, especially with Jeff and Dan just in the kitchen, but a part of him would really like to talk it through. He plunges on. "I just thought… felt… whatever… that it was time for something more. Or, not more, exactly, but… it's like, before, my personal life was a mile wide but only an inch deep. Or, I guess there was a deep part in the middle, for Jeff, but the rest was all spread out. Now, it's the same amount, it's just… narrower and deeper." Evan isn't quite sure if that's right. "Or maybe it's even more total volume, I'm not sure. This analogy can only go so far, you know."
Chris looks receptive, but not totally convinced. "But, you've… seriously? No more pussy for you? For the foreseeable future, just… just guys. You aren't going to miss it? Them? I mean, women…." Chris looks like maybe he's about to be lost in a little sidetrack of his own, but he pulls his attention back. "'Cause, okay, I get it for guys who are full-on gay. Like, Dan and Justin… they just didn't… okay, I don't
get
it, but they just didn't have that urge towards women. Weird, but fair enough. More for me." Chris shifts and leans towards Evan a little. "But,
you
… dude, you like women. You've felt them, all soft skin and good smells, or maybe they're not, maybe they're tough and strong but they still have those little spots where they're tender, and they…." Chris leans back, tries to get himself back together. "Well, fuck, man, they've got pussies, and sweet Jesus—that's a wonderful gift. I just… you're not going to miss all that?"
Evan takes a deep swallow of his drink, then grins at Chris. He thinks maybe it's time to see just how deep Chris's arrogance goes. "You ever gone back door, Chris?" Chris startles a little, and Evan lifts up a hand; he's had enough straight friends to recognize the thought behind the movement. "I'm not saying with a guy… women have asses too, you
know."
Evan just grins. If Chris is embarrassed by that, this is going to be easy. "Yeah, okay, but instead of just appreciating the outside, do you ever… you know, go further in?"
Chris makes an uncomfortable face, then shakes his head. "It doesn't really seem fair, man. I mean, okay, guys like it. But that's because they've got extra equipment, right? I mean, if I do that to a woman, that's just for me; she doesn't really get anything out of it. Except for some pain, probably… and that's not really my thing."
Evan can't let that stand. "No, man, not at all! I mean, yeah, some women aren't into it, and, fair enough—there's lots of other great options. But some of them really like it. You've got to take your time, maybe even more than with a guy, but… yeah, sometimes it feels good for them. Seriously. And even if it's not actually great for them—I mean, technically, blow jobs aren't great for the giver, right? But people get off on being able to get you off. And…." Now it's his turn to lean forward, trying to get his point across. "And for you… it feels
incredible
, man. Like… fuck, I don't even know. Tighter, and it's hotter somehow, and it's just…." He catches himself. It's been a while. Way too fucking long, really. Jeff had said he'd take a turn, but Evan isn't sure about that. Lord knows he loves seeing Dan fuck Jeff, but doing it himself… he's not sure. He pulls himself back to the conversation. "It's worth looking into, is all I'm saying. I see where you're coming from, about women, 'cause, yeah, it's better with a guy, hotter when I can feel how it feels good for him, and with women there's always that little worry about them being fragile, or getting hurt or something." He shakes his head. "But even with women,
it's still excellent. Seriously."
Chris looks like he's torn between being intrigued and being embarrassed. "I don't know, man." He brightens. "But, hey, good to know that you're not pining away from the loss to your sex life."
Chris shakes his head gravely. "No, man, we've had that talk. I'm… you're into him; you're serious. I get it. If you weren't, if I didn't believe that… no, that'd be a whole different conversation. A much less casual one." He shrugs to take any threat out of the statement. "I'm just trying to get the details straight." He glances towards the house. "Speaking of Dan, though—what's taking so long? Should we be helping with something?"
Evan shakes his head. Based on the muffled sounds, and on past experience, Evan doesn't think Chris wants to go into the kitchen. "Nah, they're probably fooling around. Those two and cooking—I don't know what it is, but, damn, it gets Dan…." He catches himself. "This is maybe more than you want to know about your best friend's kinks.”
"Yeah, maybe," Chris squeaks. That's another area Evan's been wondering about, and since they're having their little girl-talk time… Evan reaches for the bottle Chris had left on the side table and refills Chris's glass, and puts a little splash more in his own, not that he needs it. Evan wonders how far he can push this.
Head Shy | Kate Sherwood
wondered how straight guys can give up having sex with men."
Chris shakes his head. He's maybe blushing a little, but Evan isn't sure. "My two best friends are gay. Were. Whatever. But… you know…." He looks like he's choosing his words pretty carefully. "They were… I mean, I respect what you guys have going on out here, and whatever, but Dan and Justin—they were pretty much the strongest couple I ever met. You know? I mean, they loved each other, they liked each other, they wanted each other; they spent practically
all
their time together, and they still hardly ever fought, and when they did, they fought fair, and didn't get mean…." Chris trails off, and Evan knows that Chris is looking at him, trying to judge his reaction.
Evan smiles and nods. "Yeah. I've got that." He does. It had been a bit hard to take at the start, and had felt weird, being jealous of a dead guy, but Evan's got it mostly under control now. Dan doesn't throw the past up in Evan's face, but he doesn't deny it, either—just another way the guy's done the honest thing, even when it isn't easy, and in the long run, it has helped.
Chris is still worrying away at the question. "I'm not saying you guys aren't great, or even that you're not heading in that direction. I don't know. I just… well, back to the topic at hand… yeah, of course I've thought about gay relationships. Read about them, thought about the issues. Whatever."
This is a bit more honest, a bit less teasing than what Evan had
expected. Chris sometimes surprises him that way. "But not gay sex? Just 'relationships'?"
Chris gives Evan a pretty serious look before he responds. "Sure. I've thought about the sex. I mean, it's hard not to… it's entirely possible that some of it's happening about ten feet from my head right now—God bless windowless walls—and, you know… Dan and Justin were pretty open about stuff, and you guys aren't exactly shy."
"Have you ever done anything about it? Tried it out at all?" Evan's no longer sure where he's going with this. It had started as playful and teasing, but somehow it shifted. There's a current of… something… running through the conversation. Or maybe that's just from Evan's side.
But when Chris answers, his voice is a little lower, huskier, and Evan figures he's feeling it too. "No. I've… I've thought about it. Like, thought about trying it out. But…." He sits up a little, like he's trying to shake himself out of something. "It seems a bit ass-backwards to switch teams just because I want…." He rubs a hand over his face, a little roughly. "There are great straight relationships. There is great straight sex, and damn it, I've had some of it myself. I don't…." His smile is almost sad, and his voice is soft. "Yeah, I'm jealous of what Dan and Justin had, and, you know, I'm maybe a bit jealous of where it seems like you guys might be working on out here. But it's not… I can't just sleep with some random guy and all of a sudden fall in love and live happily ever after, you know?" He stops talking, and Evan thinks maybe he's done, but then he starts again, even quieter than before. "If I'm looking for sport sex, women are a lot easier, and I love them to bits. I'm not… I'm not really curious about the sex itself, like… as an independent act. You know?" Evan nods—he's not sure he does know, but he knows what Chris needs to see. Chris continues, and it seems like he's talking mostly to himself.
"And for more than sport sex—I don't know, if… if I met some guy, and he seemed right for me… and he was interested…." He pulls himself together, gives Evan a bright smile that doesn't seem totally fake. "Never say 'never', right? But, mathematically—seems more likely that I'll meet the right woman." He takes a deep pull of his drink, and smiles again. "Sweet Jesus, that took a weird turn. And, really, the way I've been going, it seems equally likely that I'll go to work for our kangaroo overlords and fall in love with a hot koala bear. You know, as long as we're talking about improbabilities."
Evan nods. He figures it's time to let Chris off the hook, even if Chris had pretty much launched himself on up there all by himself. "Well, the kangaroos would be lucky to have you, obviously."
There's motion behind them, and they both turn to see Jeff and Dan coming through the door. Jeff's carrying four bottles of beer, Dan's got a few bags of chips, and they both look pretty damn relaxed, and just a little rumpled. Evan looks over at Chris, who grins back at him and rolls his eyes. It's funny, how easily Chris has come to fit into their relationship, and Evan remembers something Dan had said one time, about how he'd come to realize that he'd practically been in a threesome back in Kentucky, only without the sex. Evan thinks maybe it deserves a bit more thought; he wonders if the reason Chris isn't having much luck finding his own life partner is because he's already found one in Dan. Evan isn't jealous, and he isn't even all that concerned, strangely. He just wants to think about it a bit more.
Head Shy | Kate Sherwood
fooling around with just Jeff. Evan lets his fingers play through Dan's hair, and he looks over to see that Chris is watching, and decides that Chris's smile isn't exactly sad, just a little melancholy. Jeff hands the beers around and tops up the glasses of Wild Turkey, and the sun comes back out and they all sit back and enjoy its warmth together. Evan's trying to teach himself when to push and when to just let things be, and this is definitely a time to just let it be; there's no point in messing with near perfection.
CHAPTER FIVE
Jeff grills the vegetables and the steak, as planned, and when he takes the finished product into the kitchen to finish off, Dan manages to resist the urge to follow and 'help' him again. He knows Evan and Chris are both watching him, laughing at him, but he doesn't care. He's still sitting on the seat cushion on the deck at Evan's feet, and he rubs his cheek against Evan's leg, almost sneaking the contact, the rough denim and the warm strength beneath it, and it makes it easier to let Jeff out of his sight. Evan's fingers tangle in Dan's hair and pull, then scritch gently, and Dan is no longer interested in moving at all.
Evan and Chris are talking, and Dan lets himself drift away a little. He's not excluded from the conversation, he's just… interested in other things. The feel of Evan's legs and fingers, the sounds of Jeff in the kitchen, the way Chris can't really sit still when he talks, always leaning forward or back, shifting around, waving his hands. The sun is low enough now that it's casting their shadows on the wall of the house, and Dan watches the shadows, the way Chris's dances and contorts, and the way Dan and Evan's are melted together. He feels more stoned than drunk, but he hasn't had anything to smoke, and really not that much to drink, so he guesses he's just mellow. He thinks back to Jeff in the kitchen, and smiles. Yeah, he's just really relaxed.