Katie Opens Her Heart (5 page)

“Oh,
Mamm
!” Katie cried, throwing her arms around her
mamm
’s neck. “You mustn’t talk like that.”

“It’s true, isn’t it? You want a boy to be interested in you, don’t you? You’re just like me at that age. I can’t bear to see you hurt like I was.”

Katie looked away.

“I thought so.”
Mamm
touched her arm. “I guess it can’t be helped, but I know it will only lead to sorrow and heartache.”

Katie said nothing as the face of Ben Stoll swam in front of her eyes.

“Is there one particular boy?”
Mamm
asked.

When Katie didn’t answer,
Mamm
pressed on. “Who is he, Katie?”

“Ben Stoll,” Katie choked out before bursting into tears.

“Oh my poor little girl!”
Mamm
pulled Katie close. “What does
Da Hah
have against me that He would visit us twice with this affliction?”

“It’s not your fault,” Katie said between sobs.

“It is
all
my fault,”
Mamm
said. “Every last bit of this. I do hope you’re not making the fool out of yourself that I did. Does anyone know about this?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then you must never show it,”
Mamm
said. “Forget the boy—as quickly as you can. He is nothing to you, Katie. He will never be anything to you. Ben is far, far above us…above you.”

Katie sobbed, muffling her cries with the couch pillow.

Mamm
held her hand. “Pride is a terrible thing, Katie. I hope you know that. The devil fell when he looked up to God and wanted to be lifted up to His high and mighty seat. We must never be like that, Katie. We must accept the station
Da Hah
has given us. If you must love, find a decent boy to long after. Still, I would protect you even from that, but I know I can’t forbid it. Ben Stoll is not for you, Katie. He never was and never will be. You need to believe me.”

“I believe you,” Katie managed to get out. “I so wish I could stop liking Ben, but I can’t. I think about him often. I can’t seem to stop.”

Mamm
wiped her own tears and then prayed, “Oh dear
Hah
, please don’t visit this pain upon my daughter. Have not I repented many times for any wrongs I may have done? Please,
Hah
, please…”

When she stopped praying, Katie gave
Mamm
a quick hug.

They sat in silence. And then
Mamm
finally said, “It’s getting late. We best go to bed now.”

Katie nodded, getting to her feet. “I’ll try to forget about boys…about Ben.”

Mamm
gave Katie’s hand a quick squeeze.

Once she was in her room, Katie burst into tears again. Now she knew for sure. Katie Raber really was Emma Raber’s daughter in more ways than she’d imagined. And
Mamm
was never going to remarry. There would never be real change in her life. Not that way. Katie paced the floor, whispering short prayers, her face turned toward the ceiling. “Help me, dear
Hah
. I don’t know what I should do.”

No answer came, but peace soon arrived, settling on Katie’s heart first and then reflected in her face.
Da Hah
would take care of
Mamm
and her. She didn’t know how, but things would turn out right. She must not give in to despair and lose hope, no matter how dark the way became.

Chapter Five

Emma listened to the muffled sounds of her daughter crying upstairs. She dabbed at her own eyes. She should have gone up to comfort the girl, but there was little that could be done. She wasn’t the one who could supply comfort anyway. If Ezra were still alive, he would know what needed saying to Katie. He always did in his calm, reasoned way. Ezra wasn’t a minister, but he’d reached into her heart that first winter together, speaking words that had touched her deeply.

“It’s time to start living again, Emma,” Ezra had said. “Spring’s coming soon, and
Da Hah
touches even the human heart in His seasons.” Then he had taken her into his arms and said, “You know I love you, Emma. I will always hold you very close.”

She had been so numb, so frozen inside, not unlike the snow-covered fields outside the living room window. Ezra had been a
gut
husband from the start. He knew how to work. The cupboards were well stocked with flour, butter, eggs, and anything else Emma mentioned she might need. Ezra kept the stack of wood in the basement dry, and the old furnace never was in danger of giving out.

It was her heart that had refused to move…let alone grow. Every time she tried, memories of Daniel would come flooding back, drowning out Ezra’s face. She would sit silent as tears ran down her face even as she looked at Ezra sitting across the room during those first long, winter evenings.

Memories would return of Daniel talking with someone at the youth gatherings. She’d hear his laugh when he finished a joke. She’d hear his voice pealing across the gathered Amish young people until everyone either moved closer to hear his next words or wished to.

Yah
, she had told Katie tonight that her longing for Daniel Kauffman had died on his wedding day when he’d taken Miriam Esh as his wife. That hadn’t been a lie. But what she hadn’t told Katie was what else had died—her heart…and seemingly her very desire to breathe. There was another thing she hadn’t told Katie. The story of her mad dash out of the services right after Daniel and Miriam had said their vows. The gathered congregation was shocked as she recklessly drove her buggy right past Daniel and his new bride as they came out of the house. There was no mistaking the despair revealed through her actions—sorrow mingled with a flagrant disappointment and disrespect for whom Daniel had chosen to be his
frau
.

After that fiasco, she should have waited awhile before allowing Ezra to take her home from the hymn singing—at least until things had grown clearer in her heart and mind. But Ezra hadn’t seemed to mind the dimness of her affections for him or her questionable reputation that hung over her since her display of hurt and anger on Daniel and Miriam’s wedding day.

How could she have loved a man like Daniel Kauffman? How could she have acted so impulsively? Perhaps it would have been better if Daniel had never paid her attention. She’d been a common girl—just like Katie had turned out to be. The girl nobody noticed. Her mistake was that she’d reached high, thinking she could capture Daniel’s heart. And once she’d reached toward it, it was as if her hand could not be drawn back. She was like a child whose hand was caught in a cookie jar. She couldn’t blame Daniel. Her actions were all her own.

The kindness of her few friends had kept her from saying or showing more. Her feelings of gratitude toward them had played a large part in her quick
yah
that night when Ezra had approached her. She’d been standing beside her brother’s buggy, and Ezra had walked up, motioning for her to follow him aside for a moment.

There, in the shadows of the barn, he’d asked, “May I take you home next Sunday night, Emma? I know this may seem a little sudden, but I’d love to do that.”

And she had nodded, her
kapp
barely moving as Ezra smiled in the dim light. And once again there had seemed no turning back, even when she knew her heart wasn’t responding to Ezra’s advances. On the outside she said the right things. In her cynical moments she figured his acceptance of her came because they were both older and he felt he was running out of options. At other times she wondered if this man really thought she would come around. She decided he must have great faith to marry her with the risk that she wouldn’t ever love him in return.

Ezra had been reading
The Budget
on that winter evening after their wedding. The snow was blowing outside. She’d made him popcorn because that was what a
gut frau
did. All evening she’d been trying not to remember Daniel’s face seated in the men’s section that Sunday morning at the church service. Though Daniel now lived in another district, he’d decided to visit on the spur of the moment. Emma had gasped when she noticed him in the room. Immediately the thought came to her: What if Daniel wants to see me again? What if that was the real reason for his visit?

It was an awful thought. One forbidden by a holy
Hah
and by decent and righteous people. But there it was, coming into her mind so quickly and uncontrollably. At church she might have succeeded in paying the thought no mind, but while she was making popcorn for Ezra that night it had been unleashed in full fury.

She wanted so to love Ezra. He was worthy of even more love than a common, average girl like her could give. But she couldn’t get her heart to squeeze out even a little positive emotion. Every time she tried, her love for Daniel was there, staking first claim. Ezra had to have noticed her distress in the days that followed that evening because he said so many nice things to her that weren’t necessary.

“We were meant for each other,” he said, coming up to slip a hand around her waist while she washed the dishes.

“You’re all I ever dreamed of in a
frau
,” he said one night after supper.

She’d nearly broken down in tears and told him everything. Thankfully he was satisfied with a kiss, and he had apparently taken her blushing face as proof of her growing love for him.

He was a simple man, Ezra was. Just the kind of husband she needed. And this only made things worse. She knew she was dooming any love that might rise in her heart for him. Someday Ezra would find out the truth, she feared, and his heart would seal up against her forever.

Strangely, assistance had come from an unexpected quarter. It was as if
Da Hah
had mercy at the last minute when she thought she could no longer stand the pain. The green leaves had been sprouting on the trees and the first cheerful robin was hopping in the yard when help arrived. She’d been looking out of the living room window, watching Ezra work in the field, when knowledge stirred within her. She was with child—with Ezra’s child.

For the first time, the love that was theirs alone entered her heart. She’d laughed out loud at the joy of it, and with it came the realization that she now had with Ezra what she’d never had with Daniel.
Da Hah
had visited them with a great blessing.

Daniel had always been a dream, a vision she’d looked upon from afar but never touched. Ezra, on the other hand, was real. She could love such a man exactly because he wasn’t Daniel. Emma had run out of the house that day with her white apron flapping over her shoulder. She’d startled the horses, so Ezra had to hang on tight to the reins before he could bring them to a stop. When he’d stared at her with a puzzled look, she had grabbed him around the neck to kiss his cheek. He turned red and looked across the fields toward the neighbor’s house to make sure no one was watching.

“What is it?” he had finally asked, at a loss for more to say.

“I think I’m with child!” Emma had said.

Ezra had smiled, his cheeks turning even redder. “That’s
gut
! That’s how it should be.”

“
Yah
, I know.” She’d ducked her head and then ran back to the house. Ezra was still staring after her when she stole a glance over her shoulder.

That night the joy was still in her heart, and she had baked his favorite dessert—minced apple pie. Not one thought of Daniel had raced through her mind. Her love…her heart…now belonged to Ezra alone.

And so the joy had remained the rest of the spring and on into summer as her body swelled. Katie had been born that October, but not before fear had also arrived to haunt the edges of Emma’s mind. She turned to worrying that with the coming of the cold winter the joy of her love for Ezra would be driven away by the chill and the ice. What if it could leave as easily as it had come in the spring?

Again it was Katie who had driven the darkness away. At Katie’s first cry, the flush of love enveloped Emma. Surely this joy could go on, and on, and on—and it had. So long as Katie was near, so was joy. At age one, it was Katie kicking her feet on the blanket beside the woodstove that distracted Ezra even from his beloved
Budget
. At age three, it was Katie who welcomed Ezra in from the fields. Her shrieks of delight sending a smile across his face when he appeared in the kitchen doorway.

Katie became the center of their home. Was this why there had never been other children? Emma had wanted more, but a person could not make
Da Hah
’s will happen just by desiring something. She’d desired more of this happiness but wanted nothing to threaten what they had. Had she, perhaps, brought trouble into their lives? Had
Da Hah
’s displeasure grown strong against her because of her selfishness?

In the midst of their happiness, Ezra had been taken. So suddenly. So completely. And she’d been left alone with Katie. And the years had rolled on. Silent years. Empty…yet with Katie still providing a measure of joy in the house.

But now Katie was changing. Was becoming what she, Emma, had been all those years ago. It was now Katie who was reaching high where no common woman ought to reach. Emma’s sins had come full circle. Katie, the one who had brought such blessings, was now bringing back the pain of the past. All while her
mamm
hadn’t been paying attention, expecting life to go on like always.