Kelly Hill (16 page)

Agoura Hills, California

June 11th 2010

Kelly

Kelly wanted to help Rachel but he didn’t know how. They both had held onto their secret for so long he had thought it made them connected in some way, but seeing her like this, looking at what it did to her, it made him feel anything but a connection.

She was alone in her grief and her despair and he was wallowing in his guilt and they were separate from one another. An overwhelmingly large part of him wanted to go to her, to hold her again, but the emptiness in her soft eyes begged him to stay away, to hold his ground and watch her fall apart.

He had kept his knowledge of what had happened between Rachel and Jefferson to himself because Ryan had begged him to and because Rachel had refused to say anything herself, so he decided it wasn’t his place.

He took the money the Williams offered him and he went with the story Rachel had cooked up in that pretty little head of hers, because he didn’t know what else to do. He thought it would all blow over, like more over privileged rich kid problems did, but it didn’t and now look at the mess they were in.

Someone had died because he didn’t say anything. Because no one said anything. Because he was too pissed off at Casimir to remember that he still held all the cards.

Kelly swallowed and cleared his throat. His hand gripped the door frame for all he was worth, holding himself back.

Then her eyes cleared and she was shattering, the air barely making it to her lungs. “Kelly, I-” She tried to force out but he knew there was nothing past those two words. There was no statement she could form that would make her world seem any less broken.

He felt his body move towards her and his arms found their way around her small frame, holding her together, trying to steady her. “I know.” He whispered the only words he could think of, the only words that were echoing in his mind, his lips brushed the top of her golden hair with a light kiss, one he couldn’t hold back, “I know.”

It wasn’t like he meant anything by it. But she was his idea after all. His interesting, beautiful idea and he had watched her hurt in more ways than he thought a normal person should have to endure.

He had witnessed her strength and her resilience, and then, he had seen why. Why she felt the need to protect a place like it was a person. Rachel was more than an idea now. She was a promise, one he felt in his bones. One that he had to protect. She wasn’t just one more commitment in a long string of commitments; she was an ideal he had reached for. And now it she was breaking apart in front of him.

Kelly felt her put her full weight into the embrace and really hold him back, as if she could read his thoughts, as if she knew he would do whatever it took to make her feel whole again.

This was a decision she had made, but she didn’t have to live with the consequences alone.

“
I didn’t know.” Her faint whisper was barely audible as her shaky breath warmed his shoulder.

Kelly pulled her in tighter, trying to transfer his strength to her. Trying to be what she needed. “It’s gonna be okay, Rachel.”

There was a creak on the stairs and Kelly felt Rachel lurch beneath him, pulling away, severing the briefest of connections. The movement jolted him back into the true reality of the situation and he turned to see Ethan and Peter standing there, staring at them. Not them. They were staring at her. Waiting for her to say something.

Kelly looked back to Rachel and saw the fear in her clear blue eyes disappear as she replaced it with something more dignified. She smoothed her dress and twisted her gold watch around her wrist.

When she spoke she wasn’t afraid anymore. She had changed in the blink of an eye, had hidden away under the surface of a pristine mask and now presented herself as the true Phillips girl that she was.

“
Does anyone know what happened yet?” Her sentence was only there to buy her more time. The TV said what happened, and both she and Kelly knew just who was to blame, but she needed time. She was processing everything in that peculiar brain of hers.

“
I just got the call before I saw it on the news.” Peter was the first to answer her. Ethan met Kelly with accusatory eyes, as if he was to blame for what had happened. As if he could have done something to stop it.

“
What call?” Rachel asked, her voice soft, she swallowed and blinked and Kelly could see everything whirling behind her eyes as she thought of every possibility, every avenue of action she could take from this point. Because there was no going back now. It wasn’t Rachel that Jefferson was trying to hurt anymore. She couldn’t make the same mistakes that she had before.

Kelly swallowed his own guilt and tried not to hold eye contact too long with Ethan; instead he concentrated on Peter and what he was saying. What was he saying?

“Headmistress Grear called.” Peter started, “She thought you would have already known. She thought the Jeffords would have told you by now.” Peter cleared his throat, “That is to say, there’s going to be a memorial at Phillips for Melody and they'd like you to speak.”

For a fraction of a second Kelly thought Rachel was going to lose the mask she had so painstakingly constructed. He watched it crack and tremble, as if something were slamming into a marble wall. It shuddered and bowed and Kelly felt his frown deepen. Rachel’s lip twitched and her eyes narrowed. But it was only for the tiniest of moments. Then she was back on top, answering just like she knew she should.

“I was expelled from Phillips.” Rachel replied, “It would be impolite to talk.”

“
Well, you were also Melody Jeffords’s friend and I think that’s what Grear is going for here. I mean, Melody was your friend, wasn’t she?” Peter’s question was innocent enough, but Kelly saw the blow to Rachel’s conscience. Wasn’t that the question on Rachel’s mind right now? Was she Melody’s friend? Would friends have made this mistake?

Kelly wanted to step closer to Rachel, but he didn’t have the right anymore. There were other people here now. The secret connecting them had to remain just that. Kelly looked at Ethan again and Ethan crossed his arms. There would be a conversation about this later. Probably more than one.

“Of course she was.” Rachel swallowed again, no doubt her nerves getting the better of her. “But that doesn’t mean they want me there.”

“
Rachel.” Peter’s tone had changed to one of lecturing, “I think you have an obligation here. Not only to yourself, but to Melody.”

This was the father that made Ethan roll his eyes and set his shoulders. This was the side that couldn’t understand there was anything beyond social obligations. Everything was a test. Everything was a show. Appearances were the only thing that kept anyone safe.

Kelly saw Rachel stiffen at the instruction, but she couldn’t argue, she could only agree, because after all, she felt the very same way. “You’re right.”

Kelly looked from Rachel to Peter and then back again. Was he really right? Did Rachel have an obligation here? Did he know what had transpired that night? Was he there when Jefferson put his hands around her throat in the back of a car? Did Peter know about any of it? Or was he just assuming  Rachel had dropped the ball somewhere along the way?

He wanted to say something, but every part of himself was begging him to be quiet. He had listened to part of himself too much lately. The part that told him to go where he wanted. Do what he wanted. Say everything that was inside of him to say.

Slowly, the conversation moved away from Rachel’s obligations. She would be going to back to Phillips and that would be that. There would be no more discussion on it. Both Rachel and Peter had their similar minds made up and no amount of nervous looks from Ethan or Kelly would change them.

Kelly wondered where Logan had gotten off to in the revelation the afternoon had brought and for a split second he wished the kid was still hanging around. Still causing a distraction. Still letting Kelly take a backseat to interacting with Rachel so he could just observe her. Understand her. Enjoy her company without having to say anything. That was the deal they made.

Peter, feeling his fatherly duties had been fulfilled left the room and Ethan and Kelly were left alone with Rachel.

Everyone knew the truth but no one was going to say anything. Not yet, not when the wound was still so fresh.

Rachel cleared her throat, and put one hand on her hip while the other hand rested lightly on her mouth. “I have some packing to do.” Her voice was shallow and she was avoiding eye contact, but Kelly got the message.

He nodded at Ethan and signaled for them to leave.

“
You gonna be okay, Rach?” Ethan persisted. He was her brother after all, and Kelly knew he couldn’t just leave her like that. Rachel had her obligations and so did Ethan. Rather unfortunate circumstances.

Rachel’s blank expression softened into a light smile, one meant to relax the receiving party, “I’m fine, Ethan, just a little shocked is all.”

Ethan did not return the smile, and with a hard face he managed to find the words in his throat to concede, “If you need anything, you can talk to me, okay?”

Rachel nodded, trying to sooth him, trying to comfort him. “Thanks.”

Kelly nudged Ethan’s elbow and again hinted at them heading towards the door. This time Ethan listened and exited with Kelly, leaving the broken girl on her own to process what was happening.

When they were finally safe, finally out of Rachel’s hearing range, Ethan spoke up. “I almost told him everything.”

Kelly swallowed and kept his eyes on his feet. He knew what Ethan was talking about; he just didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t his place. But then again, it might be.

“
You know? I mean, I was walking into the fuckin’ room and everything and I almost told him.” Ethan’s anger and frustration was getting the better of him and Kelly let him work it all out in his mind before urging him to keep talking.

“
And what was that upstairs anyways?” Ethan was glaring at no one in particular now. “Like what the hell? Obligations? She’s not obligated to do anything! They kicked her out! They didn’t want her around anymore, she’s not obligated to them at all!”

“
But that’s not the way she sees it.” Kelly’s voice was softer as they sat down on the sofa in the basement.

“
Well she’s wrong.” Ethan sounded almost offended  Rachel’s feelings didn’t match up with his own.

Kelly shrugged and crossed his ankles, leaning back into the sofa, imagining what life would have been like if he had met these people at different points in time.

If he didn’t know so much about Rachel, would he still be drawn to her? Would she still be that perfect, beautiful idea in the back of his mind? Or would he not even bother to understand her?

Kelly cleared his throat but said nothing. It wasn't time to speak yet.

“I’m going with her.” Ethan grumbled, turning on the TV, switching it away from the news that was now interviewing a student Kelly didn’t recognize.

Kelly gave a sideways glance to his friend but didn’t say anything. Ethan was in one of his moods. He may not always agree with his father, but they shared the same temperament.

After some time of watching mindless television with Ethan, Kelly got up and walked around the back of couch, waiting for Ethan to say something, to ask him where he was going. But not one word was uttered from the brooding man and Kelly left him to stew alone. It had been a hard day.

Kelly found his way back upstairs, back to Rachel’s room, back to the moment he wanted to reclaim as theirs.

He reached up and let his hesitant hand knock, as if even knocking was a question.

“
Come in.” Rachel called out and Kelly felt the knob turn in his fist.

She looked at him like she wasn’t surprised to see him there. But why would she be? It had always been the two of them.

“Can we talk?” Kelly asked, staying close to the door, giving her space.

He could see Rachel think it over before she nodded, “Have a seat.” She gestured to her empty desk chair, but he slid to the floor right next to door, he wanted to be near her, but only just.

“I’m sorry about Melody.” He croaked out.

Rachel looked down at the clothes she was putting in her suitcase. “Me too.”

“I should have said something.” Kelly let the words fall out of his mouth, unashamed of his admittance. He could have said something. He had that right.

Rachel was silent for a moment before responding. She turned, her fingertips lightly touching a yellow blouse, “Me too.”

“But you were just protecting Phillips.” Kelly pointed out, hoping it would relieve some of the guilty tension in the room. The guilt that was his.

Rachel nodded, her blue eyes met Kelly’s, “And who were you protecting?”

Kelly wasn’t afraid of any truth he might reveal. He had already sworn himself to Rachel the very moment he had ever laid eyes on her, “You.”

Rachel didn’t look away and so Kelly held her gaze as long as he could before the honesty became too much for her.

She went back to packing and he went back to just watching her, connection severed once more.