Killing Kate (13 page)

Devin cringes for a second, but
then his face relaxes.  “You realize there are a couple of very unconventional
things that occurred this evening,” Devin says.  “You not only opened up about
a very secret part of yourself to someone new, but your alter ego failed to
show up after a traumatic experience.  And you’re not on medication?”  I shake
my head.  “Well something is working.  Why did you decide to tell Justin?”

“I’m not sure,” I reply.  “I just
feel…comfortable with him.  And I had a feeling he knew some things already.”

“Probably,” Devin admits, offering
up nothing further.  “Are you sure you don’t want to report this to the
police?”

I shake my head.  I just want to
move past this.  Devin shrugs.  “Okay, it’s your call.  If you change your mind
we’ll go together, okay?”  I nod.  He stretches and yawns and I sit up.  “I’m
starving.  Breakfast?”

“Sure,” I say.

“Great, I’ll whip something up.” 
He stands up and ducks into the kitchen and then decides to add, “You know,
before Justin gets here to help out with the gutting of the downstairs
bathroom.”

“Devin!” I shout.  “Can’t you put
it off a bit longer until I can talk to him?”

“Nope,” he tells me.  “Justin has
the day off work and we planned it already.”

“Fine,” I say.  “I’ve been meaning
to register for school and find a job.”

“Well fuck,” Devin says as I walk
into the kitchen while he scrambles eggs.  “Had I known that having a guy over
for a potentially awkward moment would motivate you to get off your ass and out
of the house to become a competent member of society I’d have done this ages
ago.”

“Very funny,” I say.  “Make me my
damn breakfast.”

After I am fed I feel ridiculously
sleepy as does Devin.  Justin won’t be over until noon and so it gives both of
us time to catch a quick nap.  When I open the door to my bedroom, she’s there.

“Oh fuck,” I breathe.  “Where have
you been?”

“Oh, around,” she says casually.  I
note with disgust that she’s wearing the red bra and panties I wore last night
that I’d tossed on the floor before I showered myself off.  “Did you miss me?”

“No,” I say, turning my back to her
and shedding my robe and opening a drawer to get a t-shirt.  “In fact I did
not.  Considering what you let me endure last night, I’d say you’re not welcome
right now.”

“Oh no?” she purrs.  She lounges
languidly on my bed and reaches around the side.  She comes up with a DVD.  It’s
from my “collection”.  “Care to watch a dirty movie with me?  Or have you seen
enough?”

“Very funny.”

She smiles slightly and stands up
and walks over to me.  I feel her touching me yet she’s distant this time, as
though she might walk through me.  I see her in the mirror across my room.  Her
hands reach up from her sides to cup my breasts, but I don’t feel anything. 
Normally she would make me tremble, make me want her.  All I want is for her to
leave.  “When he touched you last night, you didn’t want me.  When I touch you
today, you don’t want me.  Maybe you’re finally dead inside.”

“No!” I shriek.  “Go away!  I’m not
dead.  You’re dead to me!”

“Jenna!” Devin slams my door open
and bursts in.  Kate disappears and I am crouched down, sobbing.  I’m sure I
look pathetic.  Devin scoops me up like a baby and the DVD Kate has presented
me with falls to the ground.  Devin casts a glance at it.  I wish he wouldn’t
see it.  “Jenna, was she here?”  I nod.  “Jesus Christ,” is all he can say. 
“Come on, come to my room.  I’ll watch you and make sure you sleep.”  I nod and
allow him to rescue me, as usual.

It’s 8:00 am the following day when
I wake up in Devin’s bed.  I feel like I’ve been drugged.  To make things
worse, I can’t stop crying and it’s making my head feel like it’s full of
rocks.  I feel like the reality of what actually happened the previous night hadn’t
hit me yet, but now the impact of the events come crashing down and I feel like
they might suffocate me.  My hands twist within Devin’s sheets and I writhe as
though in pain.  I’m sure I look like Linda Blair from The Exorcist right now. 
I am naked underneath.  Sometime during my long sleep I ripped my clothes off
and tossed them on the floor next to the bed.  The soft cotton sheets against
my skin make me uncomfortable.  It’s warm in the room, and stuffy.  I throw off
the light blanket Devin has placed over me with one swift kick and I pull the
pillow from my head to between my legs.  As I rub myself against the pillow, my
head begins to feel lighter, the tears stop, and the drugged feeling leaves
me.  I come, crying out, feeling renewed and calm.

Jesus, what the fuck am I doing?  I
sit up and quietly freak out.  I rest my head against my fingertips and feel
incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself.  What kind of morally depraved
individual have I become?   “Jenna?” I hear Devin knocking on the door, making
me catch my breath.  “Are you awake?  What’s going on?  I hear noise.”

“I-I’m fine,” I say.  “Just feeling
a bit out of it.”

“Come out when you’re ready,” Devin
tells me on the other side of the door.  I hear him shuffle away and let out my
breath.

I stand up and stretch and begin to
put on the boxers and t-shirt that lay on the floor next to me.  I take a few
deep breaths and look at the sheets and realize that I’m sweaty as hell and
should probably offer to wash them for Devin.  When I am ready, I walk out of
Devin’s room and toward the kitchen.  I can’t help walking there.  It smells
like bacon and I’m ravenous.  I’m beginning to think the only thing I will ever
eat again is breakfast.  Turns out there’s more than just bacon waiting for me
in the kitchen.  Justin is sitting at the table.

I sit down across from him at our
four person breakfast table and don’t say anything.  I can’t really look up at
him either and realize I look like shit and haven’t showered in a day.  I’m not
wearing a bra and I’m wearing a shirt that says “Budweiser Beach Babe” that I
got for free at a wet t-shirt contest at Appleseed a year ago.  Devin puts a
plate down in front of me.  I pick up my fork and begin to dig in, scooping
food in my mouth faster than a fat kid with a piece of cake.  He made waffles
and I don’t really mess around when I see waffles.  They’re my favorite,
particularly with bacon.  Devin knows my penchant for caramel sauce with
waffles and he has it on the table already for me.  I squeeze the bottle and a generous
portion oozes out onto my plate.  I dip forkfuls of waffles and bacon into the
sauce and begin stuff myself silly.

“Justin and I were talking,” Devin
says, sitting down next to me.  “And he said something I agree with.  I think
it’s time for you to go back to therapy.”

“No,” I manage to say with a
mouthful of food.  I’m going to get fat living with Devin.  I chew slowly and
swallow.  “Absolutely not.  Besides, it’s not like Justin came up with this out
of the blue and you decided it was a good idea.  More like you planted the idea
in his head and said to come over and back you up.”

Devin sighs and rubs his head.  I
wonder if he’s slept much during my comatose rest.  “Jenna,” he says.  “I know
you hate being medicated.  But maybe it would just be good to talk to someone
about things.  Maybe you don’t have to take medication.  Maybe-“

“NO.” I put my fork down.  “Devin,
you know as well as I do that they don’t just ‘talk’ to people like me. 
They’ll medicate me.  They’ll throw me into the hospital.  They’ll give me
shock therapy.  You know all of it.  We’ve been through it.  No, wait, I’ve
been through it.  You just sat back and self-medicated.”

“Jenna,” Justin interrupts.  “Devin
just wants to help-“

“Why the fuck are you talking?” I
ask him, “Last time I saw you, you weren’t exactly happy with me, and now
you’re teaming up with my well-meaning brother to lock me away.”

“You don’t talk to him like that!”
Devin shouts at me and I stand up and cover my ears.  He pulls my hands away
and I grab the plate of unfinished breakfast I am now finished devouring and
hurl it at Devin.  He grabs me and holds my arms down at my sides.  I scream
and bring my legs up to kick out to Justin, who is coming toward us.  He ducks
and misses my legs.  I writhe away from Devin and break free, and then I’m
gone.

*

Sometimes when I come out from
being Kate, it’s not really unpleasant.  You’ll hear people say that it’s like fainting
and waking up from that.  Not always for me.  Sometimes there’s no
disorientation and no “where am I?” feeling.  Sometimes, but not always.  Instead,
I’m doing something really mundane like eating ice cream or brushing my teeth. 
This time I’m sitting on the couch watching a baseball game.  I hate baseball,
but Kate loves it.  She’s a Sox fan.  I’ve considered becoming a Cubs fan just
to mess with her but I can’t possibly generate enough energy to actually give a
shit about baseball.  It’s just so fucking boring.

Devin and Justin are sitting in the
room with me.   They look relatively unalarmed and so I figure minimal damage
was done this time and I haven’t gone and gotten arrested or pregnant or
adopted a pet or anything dangerous or permanent.  They are both sitting and
drinking beers and watching the television screen.  I can see from the array of
bottles on the table they’ve been at it for a while, though I’m sure Kate made
her contribution.  “Did Kate lose any money on this game?” I ask them to let
them know I’m here.    Justin looks at me, appearing a bit alarmed.  Devin
looks completely unaffected.  He’s used to this.

“Not yet,” Devin replies.  “But
it’s early.”

“Okay, this is nuts,” Justin says,
looking at us back and forth.  “But it seems like you two are used to it.”

Devin shrugs.  “It’s been awhile
since I’ve experienced Kate, but it’s like seeing an old friend.  And old
friend you don’t particularly like, but at least I know what to expect.”

“Great,” I say.  “And what exactly
went down while I was…gone?”

“Well let’s see,” Justin says. 
“Kate challenged us to strip poker, danced on a table, did fourteen tequila
shots, went to the bar and rode a mechanical bull, then came back home and
hemmed all of Devin’s jeans.”

“Really?”

“No.”  Justin smiles.  “Actually it
was more like six hours of chain smoking and trash talking.  Devin and Kate had
a long chat about you while I was out of earshot.”

“I see.”  I cast Devin a harsh look
but he doesn’t catch my eye.  I see we will be having that conversation later. 
“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Justin says quickly. 
We both look at Devin and he continues to watch the game and drink a beer.  He’s
ignoring me now, I guess.  I sigh dramatically.

“I’m going to have a cigarette,” I
say, standing up, glancing at Devin who doesn’t say a word.  Justin follows me
onto the porch.  I light up.  “I’m really sorry you had to see that.”

“I’m not,” he says, sitting down
and watching me.  “Watching you…as Kate, it was definitely a learning
experience.”  He watches me smoke some more.  “I’m sorry for what we did, or
said.  I guess that set you off.”

“I’m embarrassed you had to see
that side of me,” I admit.  “I know you’re close to Devin and you’re an old
friend, but it was hard enough to tell you about her.  Knowing about Kate is
one thing.  To experience her firsthand…I worry about everything she does and
what she might do to potentially ruin my life.  I worry about her making you
hate me.  Especially when it’s not me, so to speak.”

“Jenna, I don’t think any less of
you because you have a bizarre version of yourself that is the polar opposite
of you,” Justin tells me.  “It gave me a better understanding of what you have
to deal with.  And I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but seeing Kate does
give me a lot of insight into you.  Surprising to hear, but I don’t hate you
for it.”

“I’m glad, I suppose,” I say.  I
don’t really know what to say.

“On that note, I think you do need
to consider what Devin wants,” Justin says.  “This whole experience is taking a
toll on him.  He’s hurting from it.”

“I know,” I reply.  I take a long
drag and stash my butt in the ashtray that we stole from the outside of
TGIFriday’s.  It’s one of those tall ones that drops into a metal container
with a slight “clunk” sound.  It will take a while to fill completely.  “But he
knew what he was getting into when he moved in with me.”

“He did,” Justin agrees.  “But
maybe talking to someone else wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

I’m on the verge of another
meltdown.  Justin is really good at making me feel like Devin’s right and I’m a
shitty person who can get help.  I take a deep breath and choke back what would
be a sob.  As a result, I get hiccups.  “Shi-it,” I say.  “I need a glass of
wa-ater.”

Justin stands up and turns toward
the door, whirls around and grabs me by the waist.  He pulls me in and kisses
me, hard, taking my breath away.  I pull him toward me.  His lips are soft and
warm and his shoulders and arms envelop me.  I bring my arms around his
shoulders and he breaks the kiss, but I don’t let go of him.  “Stay with me
tonight,” I whisper, looking up into his green eyes.  They’re darker than usual
in the eerie porch light.