King of Campus (45 page)

My phone buzzes letting me know that my dad is done rearranging the truck downstairs.  He told me he’d get everything packed inside of it while I came upstairs and made one final sweep of the apartment and said my goodbyes to both Lexie and Dylan.

“I guess my dad is ready to take off-” my words trail off when I see the big fat tears that are, at this very moment, rolling down Lexie’s cheeks.

“Oh, Lex-” I really hate that I’m leaving school and not finishing out the year with her.

Breaking free of Dylan’s arms, she hurtles herself straight into mine.  “I’m going to miss you, Ivy-Girl,” she whispers fiercely.

My heart squeezes as I try reining back my own tears.  “I’m going to miss you, too.  And just like you said before- you’re going to come out and visit me over Christmas break.  We’ll have a blast.  Just like we always do.”

She nods.  “I know.  But this has been fun, too.  I’m going to miss seeing your face every day.”

“I’m really going to miss being here,” I agree sadly.  “But we can talk and text all the time.”

With a big sniffle, she draws away from me so Dylan can enfold her once again in his arms.  His chocolate colored eyes meet mine over her head.  He gives me another little wink and I know he’ll take good care of her in my absence.

My phone buzzes again.  “Okay, I better get going.”

Heading for the door, I wipe the moisture from my eyes before sucking in a shaky breath.  I never imagined it would hurt so much to say goodbye to her… again.  When I left for Paris, I knew I’d be coming back to Barnett to finish out my junior and senior years. That’s not the case anymore.  My time here is done and I’m moving on with my life.

Just as I’m closing the door to the apartment, I come face to face with Roan.  With our eyes locked on one another, we both stop in our tracks.  We must look like deer caught in the blinding headlights of an oncoming car.  I suppose it would be comical if it didn’t hurt so damn much to see him.

“Oh…” I’m not even sure what to say to him anymore.  We haven’t spoken since he dumped me a week and a half ago.  No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to make my brain work.  “Hi.”  Worse- I can’t stop eating him up with my eyes.

The corners of his lips slide upwards just a bit.  “Hi, Ivy.”  His voice sounds oddly subdued.  No flirty tone is sight at all.  Which is probably for the best.  Not making a move to leave, he shoves his hands into the pockets of his cargo pants as an uncomfortable silence settles over us.

It’s almost unbelievable how our relationship just unraveled in the blink of an eye.  I really thought he cared about me.  I know how much he meant to me.  I loved him… that thought is almost enough to have a gut wrenching sob rising up within my throat because as much as I hate to admit it, I
still
love him.  Even after he told me I was nothing more than a distraction standing between him and the NFL. I still love him.

With those thoughts running rampant through my head, I take a hasty step away from him. What we had is over with and it’s best to close this chapter of my life. It’s taking everything I have inside not to reach out and pull him to me. Tightening my fingers into clenched fists, I finally whisper, “Well, um, I have to go.  My dad is waiting…”

Closing the distance I’ve just put between us, he takes a step towards me.  “You’re heading to Cincinnati?”

“Yeah, we’ve already packed everything up.  I’m going to spend two days with my dad and Leah before he drives me there on Saturday.”

Again he smiles but it’s strained around the edges as if this encounter is just as painful for him as it is for me.  His words are quietly spoken when he finally says, “I’m really happy for you, Ivy.  You deserve this.  You’ve worked so hard to get where you are.”

As my eyes slide over him, I realize I can’t stand here for another moment just shooting the shit with him like he’s just some guy I knew. Like he never carved out a special place in my heart.  It feels as if the pain sitting between us is a living breathing entity.  And it’s just too much… 

“I should go.”  The last thing I need is to break down in front of him.  How humiliating would that be?  I don’t want to be that girl.  I’ve already cried way too many tears over him.  I’m done doing that.  And talking to him, being this close to him has all the harshly throbbing pain rushing back at me again.

“Yeah, okay.”  Looking unhappy, he jerks his head into a tight nod as if there’s nothing more to say between us.  And maybe there isn’t.  After all, we said our goodbyes when he broke my heart.

Needing to escape, I turn away.  Just as I do, his hand snakes out, grabbing my arm before pulling me back towards him. A heartbeat later I find myself crushed against the solid wall of his chest.

“Roan,” I breathe out the word knowing that all this will do is cause me more heartache.

His eyes lock onto my confused ones before searching them.  There’s such sorrow and regret lurking within his gorgeous blue-green depths.  The normal twinkle is noticeably absent.  “I never meant to hurt you, Ivy.  I hope you know that.”

I shake my head.  Why is he doing this?  Doesn’t he understand that it only makes all the hurt I’ve been desperately trying to pretend doesn’t exist, flare back to life again with a vengeance?

“Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

What he’s saying doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.  I can’t stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth.  “Then why did you do it?”

Looking conflicted, he finally says, “I didn’t want to stand in your way, Ivy.  You had to go to Cincinnati and pursue your dreams.  I couldn’t let you turn it down.”  His voice lowers until it sounds as if it’s scraped raw.

My brows knit as I continue staring at him.  Very quietly I say, “But I told you I hadn’t gotten the part.  How did you know I was lying?”

In response, his lips compress into a thin, tight line.

As I continue searching his eyes, realization slowly dawns.  “Eric told you.”  I can’t believe he would interfere in my life like that!  He knew exactly how much this relationship meant to me.

Finally he says, “I couldn’t be the one to hold you back.”

Unable to meet his gaze, I lower my head until I’m able to lay it against the chiseled planes of his chest.  “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

“For the same reasons you didn’t tell me,” he admits quietly.

My mind is working furiously now.  “So…so, you didn’t break up with me because I was a distraction?”

Very gently Roan runs his fingers through my hair before I feel him press a light kiss against my forehead.  “No.  You could never be a distraction, Ivy.  Not ever.  If anything, you make me want to be a better man.”

Just as my heart starts to lift, it comes crashing back to reality.  “But I’m leaving, Roan.  I’m leaving for Cincinnati.”

He tugs my body even closer until I feel every single hard line of him.  “I know.”  So much sadness packed into those two little words.

All I can think about is how torn I’d been when I’d received the call from Cincinnati.  “I love you,” I whisper almost brokenly, “I didn’t want to leave you.”

“I know,” he says softly, “that’s why I had to let you go.”  Again he gently kisses the top of my head.  “I couldn’t be more proud of you, Ivy.  For everything you’ve achieved.  And what you’re still going to accomplish.  There was no way I could hold you back from doing that.”

Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I murmur, “But that was my decision to make, not yours.”  I understand why he did it.  I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same for him but still… I feel tricked into choosing Cincinnati.

It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking because instead of agreeing with me, he asks, “Wouldn’t you have done the same for me?”

As difficult as it is, I gulp down the thick emotion that’s now choking me.  I don’t answer because we both know I would have.  I wouldn’t have allowed him to give up on his hopes and dreams of playing in the NFL.

“Ivy?”

Tears seep into my words.  “I would never want to stand in your way.”

Pulling away just a bit, the blunt tips of his fingers slide under my chin before lifting my face so that my eyes are able to lock onto his.  “And I won’t stand in yours.  I’ve never cared for anyone the way I care about you.  I hope you realize that.”

Doesn’t he understand that his words only make walking away even more difficult?  It was so much easier when I thought he wanted to focus on his dreams.  Knowing he broke up with me so I could pursue mine has all the pain of our parting bubbling up to the surface again.

“So what now?”

The fierceness leaves his eyes only to be replaced by sadness.  “I think you need to focus on dance, Ivy.  You need to throw yourself one hundred percent into this.  And you won’t be able to do that if you’re thinking about me.  If you have one foot in Cincinnati and another back here at Barnett.  The last thing I want is to let you go, but I think it’s best if I do.”

Squeezing him tight, I give him one last hug before untangling myself from his arms.  As much as I hate what he’s saying, I know he’s right.  Roan has his dreams and I have mine.  And they’re not going in the same direction.

When my phone buzzes again, I quickly swipe at the tears now streaking freely down my face.  “I have to go.  My dad is waiting downstairs for me.”

Backing away, I turn before forcing myself to move towards the elevator.  If I don’t leave now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to.  Everything within me is screaming for me to stay.

“Ivy?”

His voice is low, almost broken sounding, as if it’s been dredged from deep within.  Even though it’s painful to glance back at him, I do.  I can’t help myself.  As our eyes collide, my heart cracks wide open before splintering into a million fragmented pieces right here in the middle of the thinly carpeted apartment corridor.

“I love you,” he finally whispers.

Stifling a sob, I whip around before racing towards the stairwell that leads down to the lobby.  I can’t even wait for the elevator.  It’s taking everything I have inside to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

To leave him behind at Barnett while I move forward with my life in Cincinnati.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Roan King is certainly lying low these days.  Not sure what’s going on with him.  Is our guy just focused on winning more football games for Barnett or is it something more?  If anyone has insider knowledge, please post!  KingOfCampus.com

Sitting down with a beer at the kitchen table, my dad clears his throat before saying, “I’m proud of you, Ivy.  This is a really big deal, being picked at this audition.”

Surprised by his words, my eyes slide to his.  “Thanks.”  A moment later my gaze falls back to the tall glass of water I’ve spent the better part of twenty minutes staring at before admitting softly, “I wasn’t sure if you would be happy about this… about dropping out of school.”

He takes a deep breath before slowly blowing it out.  “I’ve always thought finishing up your degree was important.  I wanted you to be able to get a good job and have something solid and dependable to fall back on, something with a little job security if dancing didn’t work out.”

My eyes rise to his as he continues.  Because it sounds suspiciously like he feels exactly the way I thought he did.

“But I also know you love dance.  You always have.  Ever since you were a little girl.  You were accepted at Barnett and into the Paris program.  Now you’ve been selected out of all those women competing for just two spots.  I always knew you were good,” he shrugs his shoulders, “but you’re obviously a lot better than just good.  What I want, what I’ve always wanted is for you to follow your dreams.  And this is your dream, Ivy.  So how can I not support you in achieving it?”

I shake my head feeling torn between the anger I’ve all but cloaked myself in for the last five years and the need for my father’s love and approval.

Finally I murmur, “Thanks, dad.  It means a lot to hear you say that.”

Looking decidedly uncomfortable, he finally murmurs with just a hint of sadness, “Your mother would be so proud of what you’ve accomplished.  How you followed your heart and didn’t let anything stand in your way.”

Almost instantly my eyes well with emotion.  We never talk about my mom.

Not ever.

His eyes drop to the beer bottle in his hands before he says, “I know the last seven years have been rough on you and I’m sorry for that.  You were just thirteen when your mom was diagnosed with cancer and then she died two years later.”  He pauses.  I can tell just how difficult this conversation is for him by the way his throat silently works to get the words out.  When he finally continues, it’s in a much softer voice. “And everything just moved so fast with Leah…” he leaves the rest to hang in the air between us.

There’s something that has been eating away at me for the last five years and this feels like the only opportunity I might ever have to lay it to rest.  “Were you cheating on mom?  Is that why you and Leah got together so quickly?”

My quietly uttered questions are like bombs dropping right in the middle of the table.  Neither of us dare to move a single muscle as a thick stifling silence suddenly descends.  My heart pounds in my chest as I wait to see what he’ll do.  Part of me wonders if he’ll even bother answering them.  We’ve never sat down and talked like this before.