Kiss Me Like You Mean It (10 page)

Here, Solomon delicately describes their intercourse with the illustration of a feast. Gutsy. And very erotic. When was the last time you had intercourse, and then described to your spouse what happened?

God is not upset in the least with all this sexual frivolity. He is delighted with their sexual play. That’s why all this flirting and sexual talk is in the Song. Between a husband and a wife, it is not just okay to do it. It’s great to do it.

Okay, it’s time for you two to get back in the flirting saddle. Start flirting with each other verbally. Start talking in a sensual, romantic, and sexual way. Be spicy! Be a little outrageous. Let your hair down. Let your belt out a notch or two. Make sexual, flirty comments in person, on the phone, by email, in texts, in handwritten notes, and with soap on your bathroom mirror.

“You look hot in that top, baby!”

“I’m looking forward to tonight, stud!”

“You are one sexy chick!”

“I want you, I need you, I have to have you!”

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Unless you had an arranged marriage, you used to flirt with each other. Flirting is what lovers do. So do it.

Deep down, no man wants a prim, tidy, proper, and straightlaced woman. He wants a flirty, sensuous woman who comes on to him. Deep down, no woman wants an inhibited, prudish, buttoned-down, stick of a man. She wants a man who isn’t afraid to share his romantic and sexual feelings with her. She wants a stud muffin.

The Song of Solomon is the original romantic comedy. Because God is the Creative Producer and Director, it’s the best. Solomon and Shulamith show us that to be crazy in love, you must be playful. You have to have fun. You have to act like a couple of kids!

Love is the
greatest
, and nothing could be more serious. But the physical and emotional expression of love between lovers is
not
serious. Love is fun. Love is a blast.

Some of you are thinking: “Boy, Dave, I don’t know if I can pull off this kind of playfulness.”

You say: “That’s not me. I wasn’t raised that way.”

God says: “I know, but try it my way.”

You say: “That’s not my style. I’m too conservative. I can’t let myself go like that.”

God says: “I know you are this way, but try it my way.”

In the Song of Solomon, God is saying: “Here’s how to keep your love fresh and exciting. It worked three thousand years ago, and it will work for you now.”

9

“We Can’t Kiss Anymore”

Do you want to know if you’ve lost the romance in your marriage? I have a very simple, foolproof test that will provide the answer. I call it “The Kissing Test.” In my twenty plus years as a psychologist in private practice and a marriage seminar leader, I’ve never once had this test fail to detect the absence of romance in a marriage.

Here’s how the test works. If, on a regular basis, you and your spouse are kissing in one of the four following ways, you have lost your romance for each other. And if you’ve lost your romance, you’ve lost your passion. your romance, you’ve lost your

Ready? All right, let’s go.

A husband and a wife are living in the same house, apartment, or condo. They’re in love. At least, they’re supposed to be in love. They once were in love. It’s a weekday morning, and they are getting ready to go their separate ways. The good news is, they’re going to kiss. The bad news is, here’s how they’re going to do it.

They come together and, standing fairly close, they each say, “Goodbye, honey. Have nice day.” Then, the climactic moment comes, and their two sets of absolutely bone dry lips touch for a millisecond. Or, a nanosecond. Whichever is the briefer.

They have successfully completed the classic “Pathetic Little Peck Kiss.” It’s really more of a bump than a kiss. The lips are thinned out and hard. A couple of nubs, barely touching. It’s about as exciting as exchanging business cards. No moisture. No fun. No joy. Above all, no passion.

The “Peck” is the kind of kiss you give to your Aunt Sarah, your mother, or your great-grandmother. It’s polite. It’s appropriate. It’s civilized. Genteel, even. But is the Peck any way to kiss your sweetheart? Your lover? The most wonderful person in the world? Your mate for life? No! It’s not. And, deep down, you know it.

The sad, truly embarrassing story of the Peck isn’t quite over. This husband and wife go through the day with a longing in their hearts. They love each other so much and miss each other so much . . . that when they see each other again, they follow the same old Peck routine. “Hi, honey, how was your day? Pretty good? Yeah, me too. Come over here.” And the same, dry as dust, nubbed-out lips touch ever so quickly.

Is this any way to express love? Is this any way to begin an evening of romance and passion? Of course not.

To perform the “Poofy Lip Kiss,” the second type of kissing, the husband and wife stand a few feet away from each other. This is kissing while standing as far apart as possible. Not a good start, is it? Then, they lean forward from the waist. They don’t want to wrinkle their clothes! They don’t want to smear the lady’s makeup! They don’t want any other body parts touching! They have enough children, thank you.

As they lean, they push their necks out as far as possible, and their hands go up in a Barney the Dinosaur, I-have-to-protect-myself kind of way. Their lips are
poofed
out or bunched and barely graze as the kiss is completed.

In this third, ridiculous, waste-of-time attempt at a kiss, the man and woman are at home, and one spouse is leaving for a while. He—or she—is going to work, running an errand, taking the kids to school, going jogging. . . . The man and woman are standing twenty—maybe even twenty-five—feet apart. It is a huge, gaping chasm that they can’t hope to cross.

The leaving spouse turns, and, after saying, “Goodbye, honey,” or, “See you later,” puckers up and makes the
sound
of a kiss. Is this a real kiss? No! It’s just noise! The spouse being left makes some kind of a goodbye statement and sends a kissing
sound
back.

What’s going on here? If this sounds like you, are the two of you acting out some kind of a radio drama? If you are, then you could have some fun and make the sounds of a door opening and closing and a car engine starting. But, instead of a radio drama, you are in real life. You’re saying goodbye to the love of your life! And, when you do that, a real honest-to-goodness kiss is required.

Do you know what I say? You’re only twenty, twenty-five feet apart! Why don’t you just walk over to each other and put a significant, genuine kiss on each other’s lips? I’ll tell you why. Because you’ve lost the ability to kiss.

The Dreaded Kiss on the Cheek

I hesitate to even put down on paper this final, and most miserable, mistake of a kiss. I’ll have to hold my nose while writing, but it must be done. Someone has to save you from yourselves.

I’ll make this brief. You walk up to your dear spouse, lean in and pucker up for a kiss. Of course, you’re assuming you’ll be kissing on the lips because that’s how most of the civilized world defines a kiss. You are sadly, tragically mistaken.

As you reach the point of impact, your lover and precious partner suddenly turns and offers you a cheek. A cheek! How impersonal! How insensitive! How rude! Lips to lips has a chance of generating some romance and a stirring of emotions. Lips to cheek is barely above a handshake on the scale of affection. If you are outraged—or, at least, deeply disappointed—at being forced to kiss your spouse’s cheek, you’re not that far gone. But if either of you is okay with cheek kissing, you are not in good romantic shape. You need help. That’s where I come in.

If you are guilty of regularly engaging in one or more of these kisses, you have almost certainly kissed romance goodbye. While “The Kissing Test” is a very accurate diagnostic tool, there are three other central mistakes made by romancechallenged couples. See if you can spot these mistakes in the following description of one week in the life of an unromantic couple.

Bob and Betty’s Week of No Romance

It’s Monday morning, and the alarm goes off. Another week has begun. Bob and Betty roll out of bed and mumble “Morning” to each other. They go through their usual weekday morning routine: individual devotions, wake up the kids, grab some breakfast, and go their separate ways. They engage in a lightning quick Peck of a kiss just before parting.

During the day, they have a few brief phone calls. Only routine, mundane matters are discussed: how their days are going, don’t forget to pick up Susie from school, please get milk and bread from the store, and I think I’m developing a cold sore.

The evening goes pretty much like all their evenings. Helping the kids with homework, having dinner, playing with the kids, some time on the phone and computer, and the kids going to bed. Bob watching television and Betty reading a novel and having a few phone conversations with friends. They have a five-minute dialogue in the kitchen about needed home repairs and a school event coming up in four days.

At the end of the evening, they watch the news on television. Even though they are sitting together on the couch, there is no touching. They briefly discuss one of the news stories. After they get in bed, Bob kisses Betty on her cheek, and they both mumble, “Good night.”

The next few days are exact copies of this day. Bob and Betty’s morning, daytime, and evening routines remain the same. Bob watches some television shows that feature scantily clad women and steamy sex scenes. He knows it’s wrong, but he’s drawn to these shows because of the feeling they give him. He’s also spending more time secretly staring at certain attractive women at work. He is talking more with one of these women. Of course, they are “just good friends,” he tells himself.

Betty loses herself in her romance novels. She enjoys the fictional stories of men and women falling in love and doing all kinds of romantic things together. These stories stir her heart and make her feel more alive. She longs for this kind of heart-thumping, romantic feeling with Bob. But those days are over. He’s just not that kind of guy. Plus, she has come to accept that romantic pursuit and passion are just not part of a real-life marriage.

On Friday night, both the kids have sleepovers at the homes of friends. Do Bob and Betty use the extra time and freedom to go out on a romantic date? No. Do they have a candlelight dinner at home? No. Do they engage in some serious kissing? No. Do they watch a romantic movie together at home? No. Do they at least seize this sudden golden opportunity to make love? Yes, they do. But, it’s more “make sex” than “make love.”

Even though they have plenty of time, Bob and Betty stick to their tried-and-true, it’s-worked-for-years foreplay and intercourse routine. They kiss and touch the same way they always do. It’s not about expressing love and feeling passion.

On Saturday night, they go out on one of their infrequent dates. They follow their usual pattern of dinner and a movie. During the evening, Bob ogles several women wearing cleavage-revealing outfits. Betty notices what he’s doing, but says nothing. She fantasizes about the hero in the movie and wonders what it would be like being in a relationship with such a dashing, handsome man.

Sunday comes and goes without any romantic sparks. In church, Betty and Bob talk with two couples they’ve known for years. Betty admires both husbands and imagines what it would be like to be married to men who are obviously more romantic and affectionate than Bob. Bob checks out three or four women he finds attractive and wonders what it would be like to be with them sexually.

No Romance, No Passion, Big Trouble

Not a pretty story, is it? The really sad part is that it is a very common story. Millions of married couples are living almost exactly this way every week. Just as Bob and Betty do, they live without romance. Which means they live without passion. Which means they are not enjoying the marriage God wants them to enjoy.

Did you spot the three, central romantic mistakes in Bob and Betty’s story? Mistake number one is the lack of romantic behaviors. Bob and Betty miss opportunity after opportunity to be romantic. They fail repeatedly to create romantic situations in the home and outside the home. They’re not playful, that’s for sure. Even when their kids are asleep or out of the home, they blow it!

Mistake number two is that they compared one another to others. If you think anyone else is superior to your spouse, you are killing your romance. Bob, as many husbands do, is fantasizing about the bodies of other women. Betty, as many women do, is fantasizing about the character traits and romantic qualities of other men. This is a very dangerous game. In addition to annihilating your romantic feelings for your mate, this kind of comparison is setting you up for an affair.

The third mistake is the absence of passionate, erotic kissing. Bob and Betty kiss only in a serious, sensual way during foreplay. And that is only once—at the most—during the week!