Kiss Me Like You Mean It

“Dr. David Clarke knows people. Dr. David Clarke knows humor. Dr. David Clarke knows his Bible. These come together in the perfect storm to put passion back in your marriage.”

Dr. Woodrow Kroll
, president of
Back to the Bible International

“If you’ve lost that loving feeling but would like to get it back again—and in the process take your marriage to a whole new level—then
Kiss Me Like You Mean It
is a book you’ll have a hard time putting down. It is humorous, witty, wellwritten, but most of all practical! David’s keen insights from the Song of Solomon will help you see marriage from a new perspective and free you to enjoy the deep levels of passion and intimacy that God designed us to enjoy in a healthy marriage relationship.”

Gary J. Oliver
, Ph.D., executive director of The Center for
Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University
and author of
Mad About Us: Moving from
Anger to Intimacy with Your Spouse
“Dr. Clarke’s book is a clarion call to the reality that marriage is not a business relationship but a warm, intimate interface of two unique individuals becoming one, and that this relationship can be kept vibrant and meaningful by a romance that need never grow cold. It will help reignite the fire that has grown cold for many.”

Harold J. Sala
, Ph.D., founder and president
of Guidelines International

Kiss Me

Like You Mean It

Solomon’s Crazy in Love How-To Manual

Dr. David Clarke

a division of Baker Publishing Group
Grand Rapids, Michigan

© 2009 by Dr. David Clarke

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Clarke, David, Dr.

Kiss me like you mean it : Solomon’s crazy in love how-to manual / David Clarke.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-8007-3329-2 (pbk.) 1. Bible. O.T. Song of Solomon—Criticism, interpretation,
etc.
I. Title.
BS1485.52.C53 2009
223 .906—dc22 2008047710

Scripture is taken from the New American Standard Bible ®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

To Bill and Kathy Clarke,
who have had a Song of Solomon love
for over fifty years

Contents

1. “Help! I’m Living with an Alien!”

2. Can Passion Really Last, and What Does Solomon Know about It Anyway?

3. “Even the Dog Is More Important Than I Am!”

4. “You’re My Number One, Baby!”

5. The Sheet Hog and the Mad Snorter

6. “You’re the Most Wonderful Person in the World”

7. “We’re Not Having Any Fun!”

8. Make Your Marriage a Romantic Comedy

9. “We Can’t Kiss Anymore”

10. “I Want to Be Kissed Passionately!”

11. “I’m Married to a Secret Agent!”

12. Put God Where He Belongs

13. Unforgiven

14. The Little Dog, Conflict, and Me

15. Face Conflict, Deal with It, and Make Up after It

16. Do You Want to Have Sex or Make Love?

17. How to Have a Sensuous Wife

18. How to Have a Sensitive Husband

19. Stop Making the Same Old Mistakes in the Bedroom

20. Solomon and Shulamith’s Spectacular Sex

21. Don’t Quit, and
Do
What the Song Says

Appendix A: Beginning a Relationship with God

1

“Help! I’m Living with an Alien!”

Why doesn’t passion between a man and a woman last? Why, in 100 percent of all marriages, does passion disappear just a handful of years after the wedding? What kills that glorious, heart-pumping, electric, sexually charged feeling of love and desire?

I have the answer. And it’s not pretty.

After two decades of intense marital research, I have discovered the shocking truth about passion. To cushion the emotional blow you’re about to receive, I urge you to sit down, take a deep breath, and hug your favorite stuffed animal to your chest. Ready? Here are my findings.

Something completely unexpected and terrible happens two to fourteen years into a marriage. The person you fell passionately in love with is replaced by an alien. I’m not kidding. The alien looks exactly like the wonderful person you married, but its behavior is bizarre, unbelievably annoying, and obviously designed to drive you insane.

You and your spouse used to have so much in common. You enjoyed the same activities. You laughed at the same things. Your feelings and thoughts were so in tune. You were soul mates. But now you and this alien have virtually nothing in common. The differences between you could fill a book. Actually, an entire library.

My research has also revealed that aliens always replace
both spouses
in a marriage. In my twenty-one years as a clinical psychologist, I’ve worked with a lot of married couples. Hundreds and hundreds. Marital therapy is my specialty. Every husband and wife has said words like these to me privately: “Doc, who is this person I’m now living with? You wouldn’t believe the changes I’ve seen in my spouse. I want the person I married to come back!”

I’m telling you, it’s aliens. Here are some alien transformation stories. Draw your own conclusions.

When the man was dating you, ladies, he could communicate. He actually talked to you and shared personal things. Now, his communication skills have vanished. He has very little to say to you. Everything in his life is a secret. It’s as if he’s joined the CIA and all of his information—thoughts, feelings, opinions—is on a “need to know” basis. And, apparently, he believes you don’t need to know much at all.

Almost every day you ask him, “What happened today?” He almost always responds with the one word that drives you crazy: “Nothing.” You’d like to reply, “Nothing? Really? Were you drugged when you got to work and tossed into a storeroom for the entire day?”

He’s angry, agitated, and irritable. Obviously, something is bothering him. You ask a simple question motivated by compassion: “Honey, what’s wrong?” He slams the door, conversationally speaking, on your fingers with his trusty one-word answer: “Nothing.” Now
you’re
angry, agitated, and irritable. You know good and well something’s wrong! How can you help, if he won’t tell you? How can you get to know him better and build intimacy, if he won’t tell you?

The man’s other tried-and-true response is: “I don’t know.”

Woman: “How was your day?”

Man: “I don’t know.”

Woman: “What did you think of the movie?”

Man: “I don’t know.”

Woman: “When do you want to discuss finances?”

Man: “I don’t know.”

Woman: “How do you feel about what I just said about our marriage?”

Man: “I don’t know.”

With these three words, he indicates there may be some information in his head, but he is unable to access it at this time. He’d love to talk, but unfortunately, he’s drawing a blank. Of course, you’re on to him and his little game. No one draws a blank that often. Either he’s in the early stages of dementia, or he just doesn’t want to talk to you.

When you were dating the woman, husband, you knew she was expressive. She’d talk about all kinds of things, and you enjoyed listening to her. You didn’t mind. Now you mind, because it seems as though she talks five times as much. She’s gone from being a medium-size waterfall to Niagara Falls. She is drowning you in her torrent of words!

She wants you to know absolutely everything that happens to her every day. No event is too small to share. And you will hear not only what happened, though she’ll cover that in incredible, minute detail. You’ll also have to hear her feelings, her thoughts, the feelings and thoughts of the other persons who were there, the feelings and thoughts of persons who weren’t there but to whom she talked and found out their feelings and thoughts, past events in her life that this current event triggered, and what the event means about her, you, and your relationship.

If you can somehow gut your way through her detailstudded monologue, you’re not done yet. She’s not just telling a story. She wants your feedback, and she’s going to ask you for it. Repeatedly. She’ll pepper you with all kinds of questions. She wants to know your thoughts, responses, reactions, and feelings. It’s like living with a private investigator who’s always probing for information. She wants to know how her experience of this event impacts you and resonates with you and your relationship with her. She wants to know how this event has helped you to understand her better. All you can think to say is:

“I wasn’t even there!”

“I don’t know.”

“Nothing occurs to me.”

“Who cares?”

“I’m not interested in the lives and problems of the four women you were in line with at the grocery store while you waited for a price check on lima beans.”

“Can you wrap this up? I’m hungry.”

None of these reactions will please her, and you’ll be in trouble. Unfortunately, it’s not over yet. Now, you’ll have to hear—in detail and with intensity—how upset and hurt she is with your pathetic and uncaring responses to an important event in her life.

He has the memory of an amoeba. He forgets nearly everything, except all the vital statistics of his favorite sports teams. He can’t remember the items you asked him to get at the store. He can’t remember the chore he agreed to do. He can’t remember the party on Friday, the one you’ve been telling him about for a month. He can’t remember so many things you know you’ve told him—to his face.

When you remind him of something he’s forgotten, he replies with the same two, lame lines: “I forgot,” and, “You never told me that!” In the areas of his personal life, your relationship, and communications between the two of you, he can recall only the last half hour of his life. And, that’s on a good day. So, when he says, “I don’t know,” there’s a pretty good chance he’s telling the truth.

She has the memory of an elephant. She hardly ever forgets anything. She has an uncanny ability to recreate scenes and conversations that occurred decades ago. “Bob, a discussion about my mother took place in our kitchen twelve years ago. It was a Wednesday evening, seven o’clock. I was sitting at the table, and you were slouching against the counter. I was wearing a blue top and white slacks. You had on a chilistained T-shirt and those old, ratty, red gym shorts. I began the discussion by saying I didn’t appreciate your comment about Mother’s cooking. . . .”

The man you dated and fell in love with was understanding, sensitive, and mature. You were certain you’d landed the next Prince Charming. Now, you’re beginning to realize you ended up with Goofy. His behavior is often crude, offensive, and adolescent. You’d call him an animal, but you don’t want to insult animals.