Kiss Me Like You Mean It (17 page)

Face Conflict, Deal with It, and Make Up after It

Solomon and Shulamith have a wonderful relationship. It’s spontaneous. Playful. Intimate. Passionate. But, it’s not a perfect relationship. In Song of Solomon 5:2–7:13, we read the story of a conflict between these two lovers. It’s not a minor disagreement, either. It’s a doozy of a conflict!

I find this lengthy passage very refreshing. When I read these verses for the first time, I said out loud, “Yes! They’re fighting! It’s about time!” Solomon and Shulamith’s nasty, petty fight helps me relate to them. They’re real people in a real marriage. The conflict they have is just like the kind of fights Sandy and I have. It’s just like the kind of fights you and your spouse have.

In addition to being a refreshing burst of realism, Solomon and Shulamith’s conflict is instructive. They know how to effectively resolve conflict and get their love relationship back on track. Most of us as couples don’t know how to do this. No one ever taught us how. God wants us to learn how from the example of Solomon and Shulamith.

Their conflict comes out of nowhere. It is shocking. Totally unexpected. It is their wedding night, and Solomon and Shulamith have just had intercourse for the first time (5:1). Talk about an incredible high! What could go wrong? Actually, anything and everything could go wrong. They’re married now, remember?

In 5:2–3, Solomon wants to make love to Shulamith, but she rejects him. The poor guy knocks on the bedroom door, and she ignores him. She’s comfortable in bed and doesn’t want to be bothered. Don’t you just love this? It’s a classic scenario as old as marriage. The husband asks for sex, and the wife says no.

In 5:4–6a, Solomon leaves. Even though he must be bummed out and deflated, he maintains his composure and doesn’t make a scene. I wish I had that kind of self-control.

Shulamith, in 5:6b, realizes her mistake and goes after Solomon immediately. She has no good reason for rejecting his sexual advances and feels tremendous guilt. She searches for him, calls his name, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Shulamith continues to pursue Solomon despite being physically assaulted by the night watchmen (5:7). The trauma of being beaten up does not stop her from trying to find Solomon. She’s going to track him down and fix their conflict no matter what. She has hurt him and will do whatever it takes to win back his trust.

Right in the middle of the conflict, Shulamith verbalizes a long list of Solomon’s positive qualities (5:10–16). You’ve got to be kidding me! Not to be left out, Solomon comes right back with a long list of Shulamith’s positive qualities (6:4–9). Shouldn’t they be listing only each other’s negative qualities? That’s what we do, isn’t it?

When you and your spouse are right in the middle of a conflict, do you force yourselves to think about and verbalize the positives about each other? Of course not. Solomon and Shulamith know they can’t resolve conflict by focusing only on the problem. They know they have to deal with the conflict, but they also know they can soften their anger and rekindle their feelings of love by remembering the wonderful things about each other. Thinking about each other’s positive qualities actually helps prepare them to work through the conflict.

Finally, in 7:1–13, their conflict ends the way all marital conflicts ought to end: with makeup sex! They have worked through the issue and want to seal their reconciliation with intercourse, a supreme way of showing and feeling love. They have come together emotionally and now want to come together physically.

The Seven Steps of Conflict Resolution

What can we learn about conflict from the experience of Solomon and Shulamith? To teach you to effectively resolve conflict, I’m going to cover seven steps. Some of these steps are in the Song and some are not. The steps that are not specifically taught in the Song are God’s truths also, I believe, and will help you achieve the Song’s goal for marital conflict: face it, deal with it, and make up after it.

Step one: Schedule a discussion

When a conflict erupts, you are not ready to talk about it. Anger and hurt are intense, and you will say and do things you’ll regret. Certainly, as the Song teaches, you are to pursue your spouse immediately in an attempt to begin the process of working through the problem. However, that doesn’t mean you launch right into dialogue.

Go to your spouse and schedule a time to sit down and deal with the conflict. Set the scheduled time to do this as soon as possible. Shulamith obviously wants to fix her conflict with Solomon as quickly as she can.

Choose a location in your house that is private, quiet, and neutral. Don’t choose the bedroom or the special, cozy place you use for couple talk times and devotions. I usually recommend the kitchen or dining room table.

Step two: Pray

After you schedule your conflict discussion, each of you should go to a private place to calm down and pray for God’s help in dealing with the conflict. Even a few minutes will help you simmer down from your peak of emotional intensity.

Step three: Focus on your spouse’s positive qualities

Their focus on the positive is one of Solomon and Shulamith’s secrets of working through a conflict. Before you sit down to talk, make yourself dwell on the favorable, attractive, and desirable things about your spouse. These things have not changed. Verbalize them to yourself and to God. This will take the edge off your anger and put you in a better frame of mind to successfully talk about the problem.

Step four: One at a time

When you are seated in your conflict-resolving location, one spouse should go first and share his or her feelings, thoughts, and point of view about the disagreement. This spouse is the Speaker, which makes the other spouse the Listener.

Communication must proceed one at a time. There will be one Speaker and one Listener at all times. There must be no interruptions whatever when a Speaker is talking; the Listener will get his or her turn and be afforded the same courtesy. If the Listener speaks during the Speaker’s turn to talk, it is obvious that the Listener is not listening but thinking of what he will say and, therefore, no understanding is going on.

The Speaker, in a ten-minute maximum—or shorter— block of time, shares her opinion, feelings, and position, her “truth.” The Listener’s job is to say nothing at all during this time; his job is only to
listen
and
accept
and
understand
. When it is the Listener’s turn to respond, he says nothing original, but only what will help the Speaker feel understood. He reflects, or feeds back just what the Speaker has said and indicates what she feels. “You’re angry because I came home late and didn’t call to let you know.” “When I said ________, you are saying it made you feel ________.”

You don’t move on until the Speaker is satisfied that the Listener understands and the Speaker
feels
understood. Try to hold to the ten-minute rule. In dealing with a conflict, most often a spouse can actually sum up feelings, what is really bothering that person, in one statement. Doing this at the end of the ten minutes can be very helpful. What is essential is that the Speaker feels the spouse truly understands. When the Speaker tells the Listener she feels understood,
take a
break
for a minimum of ten minutes. Let the understanding you just created settle in and take root.

After the break, return to your seats and
reverse the roles
. The Listener is now the Speaker. In ten minutes or fewer, he shares his point of view, his thoughts, his feelings, his truth. And, it’s going to be different! You don’t move on until the new Speaker feels understood by the Listener and says so.

You don’t have to agree. In fact, you’re not going to agree. But you do need to
acknowledge
and
accept
, unconditionally, the feelings of your spouse. (“I don’t understand why you feel this way, but I accept your feelings and will act accordingly.”) You do need to build understanding of your partner’s feelings and position.

You may need some follow-up conversations in this stage. Sometimes, one time through is enough. Sometimes, it’s not. If it’s not, you need more one-at-a-time conversations.

It’s common for the woman to need more processing to feel reassured that the man understands her. If she’s unsettled and doesn’t feel understood, the conflict can’t be resolved. So, husband, let her keep talking, and work hard to communicate understanding to her. A few extra talks, with breaks between them, can make all the difference. That neither can refuse to have a session should be established as a rule.

Step five: Let’s make a deal

Before you start this stage, take another break. This break should be for a few minutes to half a day or more. When both spouses are ready to resume, agree on a time and return one more time to your conflict resolution location.

If you must decide on some course of action or some behavior—a financial move, a parenting strategy, a schedule change, or something you want your partner to do or not do—you will need to work together to make a deal. With most of the anger gone and a substantial amount of understanding achieved, you will be in good shape to negotiate and reach an agreement. It is usually okay to go back and forth in this stage without staying in the Speaker-Listener roles. But if things begin to get too intense, go right back to those roles and the rules. This is like following the rules in a football game: without rules, there would be unfairness, chaos—and no fun.

The Deal must be specific and measurable. Don’t be vague. Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, your spouse will agree to do it your way. Sometimes, you will agree to do it your spouse’s way. Sometimes, you’ll meet in the middle and work toward a compromise position. Every deal is reached on a trial basis. If it doesn’t work, either partner can call a meeting to renegotiate.

Step six: Stop and start

When a conflict conversation gets off track, even a little, shut it down immediately. When something goes haywire, for example, when one of you reverts to your dysfunctional conflict style, you can’t save that conversation. No couple can. It’s over.

Either spouse can call for a stop, and it must be honored. Take a time out and get some space. It might be just five minutes. Go to the bathroom. Get a cup of coffee. Go to the backyard and do a primal scream. Tell your partner when you are ready to resume, and ask him or her to find you when he or she is ready. Then sit down, and start up where you left off.

Step seven: Make sure you make up

Okay, here’s the fun part. You’ve worked hard to talk through the conflict. You deserve a reward. A treat. What activity can you think of that would be a special way to reconnect as a couple?

Sex! Makeup sex! It’s some of the best, most passionate sex you’ll ever have. You are relieved to be okay again as a couple. You’re excited to be back on track in your love relationship. The sex is so terrific that it’s almost worth it to get into a conflict on purpose. Almost.

If makeup sex is good enough for Solomon and Shulamith, it’s good enough for us.

Clean Out Your Past, Unresolved Conflicts

Now that you know how to work through your current, present day conflicts, you need to clean out all the past, residual, unresolved conflicts that remain between you. This is very painful but necessary.

Expressing and forgiving resentments against others is God’s truth (Eph. 4:15, 25–27; Col. 3:8–17; Matt. 5:23–24, 18:15–17, 21–35; Luke 17:3–4). We must forgive others, and the only way to do that is first to tell them directly the pain they have caused us.

In my clinical work with hundreds of married couples over the past twenty plus years, I have seen this truth of expression and forgiveness demonstrated over and over again. When spouses forgive each other for all hurts in the past, their love is renewed. Take the following steps, and you can experience the same renewal.

Step one: Write a letter

Sit down and write an absolutely honest letter to your spouse about the hurts and resentments you are harboring against him or her. Before you begin, pray that God will guide you in the writing. Pray that he will give you the memories and the emotions that must be expressed. Pray that he will enable you to truly forgive your spouse.

This letter will not be general. It will be as specific and detailed as you can make it. Re-create memories in vivid detail. Share your emotions completely and in all their intensity. It is a letter of truth. No sugarcoating or minimizing or rationalizing. If it’s forty pages long, so be it. You are cleaning out every hurt and resentment that God brings to your memory. Do not—do not—attack the person in this letter. Make it an expression of your feelings only. Also, this does
not
include trivial matters that have never been significant to you.

As you write, pray that the Lord will give you the power to forgive. Use the language of forgiveness in your words. After expressing the truth, the details and emotions about an event, write these types of sentences: “I forgive you for this behavior. With God’s help and power, I release the pain and resentment against you for what you did.”

Step two: Read the letter to your spouse

Tell your spouse what you have written and why. Make it clear that the purpose of the letter is to forgive. Schedule a time to sit down in your home and read the letter to your spouse. If you have children, make sure they are not in the home during the reading.

As you sit down to read, pray with your spouse that God will be with you both and that he will use the truth in the letter to produce forgiveness. Ask your spouse to listen and not interrupt. Ask your spouse to believe your truth, simply accept your feelings, and not argue with them. Read the letter, no matter how long it takes.

Step three: Follow-up talks

After the reading, it is almost always necessary to have a series of follow-up conversations. In these conversations, you go over some of the material in the letter and ask your spouse to listen and reflect. You are clearing out any leftover pain and looking for reassurance that your spouse understands what happened and its impact on you.