Knee Deep (12 page)

~ 15 ~

I turn off my bedroom light to go sleep and my phone buzzes, followed almost immediately by a soft knock on my window. I pick up my phone.

SHAWN: IT’S ME

I step to my window and slide it open.

Shawn and I stare at one another in silence. He’s like this familiar stranger. I’m not sure how else to describe how I feel about seeing him outside my window. My heart thumps in the silence between us.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I drove down, just for tonight. I had to see you, Ronnie. Will you come with me?” His dark eyes are pleading.

“Give me a sec.” I step back.

“Wear pants and a hoodie or something, okay? Leave your mom a note.” He doesn’t say please, but it’s all over his face.

“What are we doing?” I whisper.

“Trust me, please, for this.” Again, pleading eyes.

Trust him. I need to if we’re going to have any kind of future. The problem is that it’s no longer a future I think I want. “I’ll meet you in front.”

“Thank you.” He pauses for a moment before stepping back.

I scrawl out a note—
Shawn wanted to talk, have my cell
.

I slide on jeans and grab a hoodie to put over my tank. Am I really doing this? Trusting him enough to be alone with him?

Shawn’s leaning against his bike on the road when I step outside. Right. Jeans, hoodie. He’s going to take me on that thing.

“Don’t look so worried.” He flashes the smile that makes me remember every stolen moment of happiness, every kiss, every touch, every promise, every desire. I’m lighter. Just a little, but maybe enough.

“I’ll try.” But now I’m having a hard time taking my eyes off his face.

“I promise to drive careful, okay?” He hands me the red helmet he got me for Christmas last year so I could ride with him. I told him to keep it ‘cause there was no way I was riding that thing, but he wasn’t deterred.

“Okay.” I take the helmet and put it on. Why couldn’t he be in his mom’s car? “Where are we going?”

“Trust me?” He bends his head down to catch my eyes, hoping I will.

This is sort of it, right? Me getting behind him on that thing.

To me, getting on the bike means that I’m ready to keep trying with him, keep moving forward. “Okay.”

Again, the melt-my-heart smile arrives. But it doesn’t melt me this time, just softens me a little.

I climb on behind him and he starts slowly out of the neighborhood. He drives more carefully than he ever has. My arms wrap more tightly around his middle; his warmth spreading even through my sweatshirt. My eyes close and I think back to the summers on the beach, to the letters we sent to each other for years, to how soft, warm and wonderful he can be. How well I know him, how long I’ve thought of him as someone I’d spend my life with.

He weaves easily through the city streets of Modesto and as we close in on our location, I know where we’re going. He’s taking me to one of the places we can always agree on: In-N-Out Burger.

We glide into the parking lot. He turns off his bike and unbuckles my helmet for me. The soft, sweet gesture sends butterflies floating and fluttering in my chest and spreading into my stomach. He rests our helmets on his handlebars before turning around and taking my hand so I can swing off his motorcycle.

No thinking, no waiting, no pausing. I lean forward and press my lips softly to his. Part of me expects him to take more, but he doesn’t. Our lips linger there, hover around each other until I can feel his smile without looking.

“So this is okay?” he asks.

“This is okay.”

He takes my hand, leads me inside, and we both order fries and a shake. I can’t eat a whole burger in the middle of the night.

We take seats outside, and I decide I need to be closer, so I sit between his legs and let his arms come around me from behind.

“I’m sorry, Ronnie. My house, my dad.” He lets out a breath. “I didn’t know the extent, but I knew things weren’t good. I just—I’m not good at talking about things, and I didn’t handle any of it well.” He gives me a squeeze and rests our cheeks together. “It makes me sick to think I ever hurt you.” His fingers slide up and down my arms, touch my hair.

I lean away to look in his eyes.

“And that I wasn’t able to protect my mom.”

I can see him breaking apart in front of me. My hands slide over his, my back rests deeper into his chest. “You scared me, Shawn. How do I know things like that won’t happen again?”

“I guess I’m just asking you to trust me again, to know that the guy I’ve been isn’t really me. Things will get better. I’m going to work harder, and we’ll kind of start over.”

“So, that’s where we are.” Back to this. Back to Shawn and Ronnie, but are we where we should be? Where I want to be? I’m no longer sure. Does this mean Shawn and Ronnie have changed, or does this mean it’s just going to take some time for us to learn to be together again?

“I have a lot of ground to make up with you.” He kisses my cheek and stays close, his nose just touching the side of my face.

And the warmth of him, the feel of him is so familiar, it’s like knowing all over again why I love him so much. His fingers run over my bracelet. He presses his thumb and first finger on either side of the coin with our names.

“I don’t know what I would have done without you through all this.”

My lips meet his before he has time to say anything else, before I have time to think anything else. The chocolate of my shake mixes with the strawberry of his and I will seriously never get enough of our cool mouths moving together.

We sit at our table long after In-N-Out closes their doors for the night. We remember all the silly stuff we did as kids and how desperately we missed each other when we got older and he moved away. We laugh, we sit in silence, and then we talk, and kiss…

With this one night, I love Shawn more deeply. Every experience, every hardship we go through together, really
will
make us stronger, because we love each other enough to try, enough to work through this together.

For the first time ever, I enjoy the motorcycle ride back to my house. My legs rest against his, my arms hold our bodies together and, without helmets, it would be pretty ideal.

Our kiss goodbye is very different from our kiss hello. It’s like we forget the other person isn’t air—that we don’t need each other to survive. I let myself relax into him like I never do anymore.

I’ve missed this so much. And now we have it back.

***

Luke and I haven’t spoken since his admission. Our eyes meet throughout the day and I don’t know what’s between us. Friendship? Awkwardness? With Shawn and I starting over there’s just no room for Luke, and it sucks because with a few simple words, he’s not my comfortable friend anymore.

I walk into rehearsal late after gathering my massive amounts of homework and they’ve already started Act II. I’m on stage right, thinking through my lines in the dark. We’re close to show time and we’re not in costume yet, but we’re using the stage lights and sets. It makes it all so much more real.

My eyes catch Luke’s across the stage and his gaze hits me in the pit of my stomach. I feel like Ronnie, watching my friend as Romeo, and
wanting
him. My whole life I’ve rolled my eyes at people who have said it’s possible to feel something for more than one person, yet here I am, feeling exactly that.

I may like Luke more than I should, but that doesn’t change how I feel about Shawn—especially after last night. How did I let this happen? I really am the worst kind of person. The blackness of the thought weaves its way through me, pulling me down.

The problem is I already know where I’m going to end up. There will be no happy end for Luke and Ronnie; I love Shawn too much. Last night I felt all the best parts of being in love. I can’t give up on that now.

“Juliet,” whispers the stage manager.

I turn. The realization of the two guys spinsin my head.

“You’re on.” Her brows go up.

Right.

My eyes are on Luke’s again as I step out, but now I get to be Juliet. He’s Romeo. I’m
allowed
to feel this right now. This floating, happy lightness that comes with Luke’s eyes. This is part of falling. Part of acting. Part of being Juliet. Okay, I’m lying to myself, but it’s such a delightful lie that I fall into it, embrace it and love it.

The warmth of his body overshadows everything as we come together, and I decide that when I’m onstage I’m going to let myself fall. Every night. This is the part of Luke I get to have. The Romeo part. The part of him that gives himself to me. Ignoring the fact that I want him close isn’t going to work. Finding a reason for my desire, like our whole Romeo/Juliet thing,
will
work. And when this play is over, the way I feel will fade away. It
has
to. No person could survive being pulled apart like this. Not for long.

I let his gaze fill me, make my chest tingle and warm my body. I’m Juliet, and I’m falling.

What kind of person does all of this make me—this mixing of what’s real and what’s pretend? I’m not sure. And right now, with Luke’s hands in mine, I don’t care.

***

“I can only talk for a sec.” Those are the first words out of Shawn’s mouth when he calls.

“Okay.” It seems odd after the incredible night we had last night. I’m sort of camped out on my bed, expecting a marathon ‘late-into-the-night’ chat.

“My mom and my aunt are making me crazy up here.” There’s irritation in his voice. The kind that makes me put up walls.

The problem is that walls are exhausting to build and even more tiring to take down. I ripped down a lot of walls last night. My chest aches from the exhaustion of feeling so much.

“Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s not your problem,” he says.

Not my problem? How does that work if we’re Shawn and Ronnie—we’re supposed to be back to two people who love each other. Who want to be together to share things. “But, I thought that’s what we talked about last night. How we should be talking more, and how I want to be a part of what’s going on.”

“Trust me, you do
not
want to be a part of this girl talk.” He pushes out a breath. He sounds on edge and frustrated. What changed from yesterday?

“And why’s that?” I try to tease. Maybe if I keep the mood light, we’ll talk.

“They just…I know my dad wasn’t perfect, but it’s like they can’t find anything good to say about him at all. Mom loved him for a long time.”

“And it sounds like he abused her for a long time.” The words are out before I can even think to stop them.

“Well, it’s not like you really know the whole situation, is it?” His voice is hard. Rough.

“No. I don’t.” My heart just hurts from the exhaustion of feeling too much. “You never told me.”

I hear him take another long breath. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just frustrated.”

“So, wanna tell me what’s going on?”
Please, talk to me or our night last night will be for nothing. If you don’t move forward, Luke will draw me in further, and you’re the one I’m supposed to be with.

“I guess I want to ask about Luke, but I don’t want to ask because I’m afraid of what you’re going to say.” His voice has the raw, honest edge I’m always looking for from him.

I don’t know how to answer him honestly without betraying how I feel. “You’re it for me, Shawn. I…”

“It’s just, the way he looks at you, sometimes, or…”

Can I lie? To Shawn? “I can’t do anything about what Luke does. But I love you.” That’s it. Simple. And all true. It’s not the whole truth, but it
is
all true. The part of my brain that’s screaming at me to do the right thing is not going to be heard, not right now. Right now lies of omission aren’t lies. Not to me.

“Sorry I’ve been so crazy. I promise when I get back into town things will be more relaxed again. You’re almost done with the play. My dad’s gone. It’ll be easier.” But it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself, which sinks me further.

“Can’t wait to see you.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow, right?” But his voice doesn’t have the sweet urgency I want when we’re about to say goodbye.

“Tomorrow,” I agree. And the weight that Shawn and I got rid of last night is settling back in. This sucks.

~ 16 ~

My phone’s crammed against one ear, and my hand’s flat against the other trying to hear Shawn. I’m in the backyard, but the music carries well.

“You’re making it back in time to see at least the last performance, right?” I ask.

“Yeah. Mom said we’ll be back. What is
going on
?”

“I’m at the cast party. Dress rehearsal tomorrow night.” He knows this. Or he
should
know this. We’ve talked.

“Is Mindy with you?” he asks.

“No, she’s grounded. Her and Paul took a bottle of her dad’s wine the other night and he found out. Then, her and Paul split. So she’s stuck at home and kind of mad about the whole thing.” I feel bad for her, and it’s almost weird being here, but she’d hate me to miss my cast party.

“Well, Mindy’s always had a short attention span.”

What
?

“Uh…that’s my friend you’re talking about.” Hopefully I put enough tease in my voice for him to not be angry.

“I’m just saying it like it is, Ronnie.” His voice is totally unapologetic. “She’s never with anyone for long.”

“Because we’re in high school. We should be able to date around, or whatever.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know it’s the stupidest thing I could have said.

“Oh. Yeah. That’s real nice.” He doesn’t even try to hide the anger in his voice, and I can hardly blame him. What’s
with
me?

“Ronnie!” Julie calls. She’s the stage manager, and she really manages. A lot. But she’s good at it, so no one seems to mind.

“Coming!” I yell back.

“And that means you’re ditching me for your party.” I can picture him now. Pouty face, leaning away from me, hoping I lean in. But I’m not going to. Not right now.

“If you were here I’d be kissing all over you in their backyard.” I make a kissing sound into the phone and then laugh. There’s too much lightness at the party for me to take him too seriously. Mostly I’m determined that he’s not going to ruin this for me.

“Text me when you get in, okay?” he asks.

“Of course. Love you.”

“Love you.”

And I take a deep breath now that we’re off the phone. Time to relax and enjoy myself.

“Ronnie…” Luke grabs my hand and pulls me back inside. “June keeps begging me for a dance. Save me.”

I throw my arms around him as he moves us to the music. Dancing with Luke is fun. He pulls me close, pressing our stomachs and hips together.

“Way too sexy, Luke.” I shake my head.

“Relax, Ronnie.” He widens his eyes. “You’ve made your stance on Shawn and all things to do with the romance department very clear.”

“Okay.” I let myself smile at the dimples in his cheeks. “Just so we’re clear.”

“Now, would you relax and just enjoy yourself?” His arms drop to the lowest part of my waist, keeping us together. We don’t have to think or coordinate, we just move together. Thighs touching, hips touching, and I stop myself twice from running my hands down his chest.

It’s hot in here and hard to breathe, and I must be exerting myself more than I thought because my heart’s beating hard and fast. Then the music slows and I melt into him.
Melt
. More than just hips and stomachs now; my nose almost touches the side of his neck as we slowly swing to the music. His arms tighten around me, and mine around him. My life would be a lot easier if Luke didn’t feel so good, but I trust him. Of course he feels good.

With no warning, he jerks away. “Just a sec. I gotta pee.”

I stand in mild shock as he turns and walks off. What was
that
? Way too much. Way too close. And what on earth made him half run away from me?

“Did you and Shawn split?” Julie asks.

I spin to face her. “No, why?”

Her eyes meet mine and then follow the trail Luke just took.

Right. My chest drops into my stomach clenching together in something like dread. Luke and I are probably dancing in a way we shouldn’t. And back to my original thought—I’m horrible because I really loved it and I still miss the heat of him against me.

***

Luke stops his car in my driveway, but I can’t make myself get out. I’m not ready for my night to be over. It seems weird to be sitting in this quiet car, afraid to look at him, afraid of what I’ll see, but my eyes find him anyway. His are on me, like I knew they would be. Kind, smiling, patient, waiting—everything I don’t deserve. The guilt and love at the way he’s looking at me hit from two different directions. My swirling emotions are more like a waterfall. I just don’t know which way I’ll end up, which one will win—the warmth of Luke, or the guilt of Shawn.

“I had fun, thanks.” How lame am I?

He leans toward me and pulls us into a hug. A hug that’s as warm, soft and patient as his eyes. My body starts to pull away but I can’t let him go, not yet.

There’s just heartbeats and breathing.

His hand rests softly on the back of my neck, keeping us together. Our cheeks almost touch, and when I look down I see his lips. The lips I’ve kissed so many times over the past weeks. But now he’s Luke, not Romeo. This means I’m not allowed to feel them. I may have convinced myself to do all sorts of horrible things lately—dancing, brushing off Shawn, but not this.
This
, I know, is off limits.

We sit for minutes, seconds, hours before I pull away to stare at my lap because one more look from those eyes and I’ll forget I’m not the kind of girl who kisses one boy while loving another. I’m the kind of girl who believes in love and being faithful and… His fingers touch my hand.

Somehow it’s even more intimate than our hug. Different. Shivers run through me as his fingers slide through mine. Our fingertips touch, our palms slide together and I’m helpless to do anything but watch. I force a swallow down my throat so I can breathe, but now there’s no way he can’t hear me breathing because
I
can hear me breathing, and nothing else.

Why does he have to feel so good?

His voice is a faint whisper, “Ronnie, I…”

“Shhh.” I need silence. It helps me just feel, and I’m terrified of what he might say. I’m not sure if I could say ‘no’ to Luke right now.

I shift sideways in my seat and continue to stare at our entwined hands. My eyes close as his fingers start to trace patterns on my palm, the back of my hand, my wrist, my arm. My heart’s flying. The sweetness and softness of him holds me to this spot.

My eyes find his and it’s too much. It would be so easy just to lean forward and have this. His lips would be as soft as his fingers, and I could feel him through me. His thumb catches my bracelet.

My stomach hits the floor and my insides shake and melt away.

Shawn
.

I jerk my hand from the warmth of his and find the door handle. “I have to go.”

I can’t look back. I don’t look back. I just get out the car and run for my front door. My heart’s hammering. My lungs forgot how to breathe. How long has it been since holding hands was that—
amazing
? And tonight just adds to the many reasons I’m becoming a terrible person.