Knee Deep (13 page)
I arrive at dress rehearsal way early just so I can hide in the girls’ dressing room. I came to a conclusion last night—I’m falling for Luke because I’m playing Juliet and Juliet’s falling for Romeo. Only the realization goes deeper, because part of me has really, seriously fallen for him. All I hope right now is that when this play’s over, we’ll separate and I’ll forget some of what I feel for him, because continuing to be split like this would be torture.
When
Romeo and Juliet
is over this will be over. Done. Finished. I’m giving myself these last few days of Juliet before walking away. The thought of walking away from him is like a punch to the gut, one that really knocks the air out of me.
Done.
Finished.
Both words are too heavy.
***
My first scene goes by fairly quickly—just me and my parents, but my insides are quivering at the thought of my first scene with Luke. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen him since last night and our awful, wonderful moment in the car. But we’ll be onstage, and that means he’s Romeo and I’m Juliet. Only slightly better, because Romeo and Juliet are what pulled me into this mess to begin with. I concentrate on breathing as I change into the long, simple white dress and slide on the wings.
“How do the wings look?” I try to see over my shoulder, but fail.
“This is unreal…beautiful.” Julie’s hands cover her mouth. “You look…perfect.”
“Cool.” Dress rehearsals are turning out to be a lot of fun. I step back to look in the mirror, and can’t wait for Luke to see me like this. I
feel
like an angel, ready to fall in love.
As I step up to the stage, I know I’m supposed to be with Shawn. I’ve known it since I was twelve and we sat by the creek and kissed our marshmallow, peanut butter kisses. But with this play I’ve been given a chance at something else. To feel something else. I get to love Romeo as Juliet. I need it, and I crave it. I look forward to it all day. And it’s almost over.
My eyes catch with Romeo’s as soon as we’re on stage. I know him well enough to know he’s looking at me the way Romeo should look at Juliet. I smile, feeling more beautiful than I’ve ever felt in my life. And yes, it’s me, not Juliet. No acting needed, not for this.
My heart’s pounding, and I let it. There’s no way we’re not pulling this scene off perfectly. Suddenly we’ve found one another. We’ve walked through this scene so many times, but with everyone in costume, and with the lights glowing, it
feels
different. Our moments of silence and stares are long. Our kisses linger more than necessary and it’s all honest when I can’t take my eyes off him as my nurse leads me away.
The clapping and catcalls from the cast say that the moment looked as good as it felt.
I sit in the heat and blackness backstage, as alone as I can be in a group of people. Luke’s onstage, and the darkness that surrounds me brings me comfort, helps me to disappear for a few moments. Only a few more days of being torn apart. Just a few more days.
At the end of dress rehearsal after we both die, Luke throws his arms around me and doesn’t let go. We’re still surrounded by our cast mates, the crew and everyone, but he’s holding me like we’re the only ones here. After a moment I give in and relax into him, the way I know he wants me to, hugging him back tightly.
“You did amazing. I was right there the whole time, you know?” he whispers.
“Me, too.” Way more than I will ever admit.
***
I spend the next two nights—our performance nights—doing my best to avoid Luke aside from our presence onstage. With Shawn out of town, and with how mixed up and blurry all the lines between us are, I know it’s the right decision. Doing something with him I can’t take back…the consequences of that are too awful to think about.
***
I’m preparing for the final night of
Romeo and Juliet
. Shawn’s back in town. He sends me a text to say that he’ll just make it in time for the performance. Knowing he’ll be here makes me more nervous than I’ve ever been. Night after night I let myself be Juliet. I let myself fall desperately, knowing the disastrous end. And every night I do it again with the same force as the first time. And every night I wouldn’t change it, or take it back.
It is our last morning-after scene. Juliet is desperate not to let him go, even though they both know he needs to. I hold onto Luke with everything I have. Aside from the scene in the end where I stab myself, this is it. This is the end of Romeo and Juliet. The end of letting myself fall for his golden brown eyes.
His hands and lips feel desperate. I wonder if he’ll be as sad for this to end as I am.
My line, “O think’st thou we shall ever meet again?”
Luke/Romeo, “I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve. For sweet discourses in our time to come.”
He crawls back down from the balcony and slowly backs away, his eyes unwavering. The next time we meet onstage will be our last.
“O God, I have an ill-divining soul! Methinks I see thee, now thou art below, As one dead in the bottom of a tomb. Either my eyesight fails, or thou look’st pale.” And I feel it through my whole body, the tingling that feels like ice as he walks away from me.
He spins and jogs off stage. My heart sinks.
Our last scene arrives and breaks me more than it ever has. I feel the end, and I know how it
has
to end, this weird flirtation thing we’ve had going on. It ends with the last show of
Romeo and Juliet
. And for the first time I sort of get why Juliet had the courage to do it. The pain of the dagger is a lot less than the pain of losing Romeo. And it hits me hard. I
love
them both, Shawn and Luke, and I should have never let it happen. I love Shawn—he’s first kisses and promises and all those sweet things I know I need in someone. Luke is friendship and comfort and trust and now something more, something that draws me to him. But my feelings aren’t fair, not to any of us.
My tears at Romeo’s death are real, sliding hot down my cheeks and falling on my dress. I take his dying face in my hands, close my eyes, and part of me wishes things were different. Part of me wishes there was no Shawn, and another part of me wishes there was no Luke. A sob comes up my throat, one that has nothing to do with Juliet and everything to do with Ronnie. The audience sits in stunned silence and it is the best compliment I’ve ever received.
The lights go off. Luke’s hand pulls on mine, our faces are close in the black behind the curtain, on Juliet’s pyre. My heart hammers in anticipation, and in my need to feel him closer to me. His lips find mine and I kiss him deeply, passionately, without hesitation.
The lights come up and we struggle to our feet, hands still clasped together, and run backstage before the curtain re-opens. I can’t look at him, but hold his hand tightly in mine, my heart still hammering in a desperate rhythm. When we walk out for our final bow, I scan for my parents. Shawn’s next to them, as promised.
His jaw is clenched. I knew he’d be mad when he had to watch it. How will I fix this? Luke’s hand gives mine a squeeze as we stand together in the center of the cast. The clapping blends in with the lights and my fuzziness and my desperation at knowing I don’t get Luke anymore. And that I have an angry Shawn waiting for me.
The lights go off, the curtain closes, and I don’t think, I run. My hand clasps Luke’s. I run offstage into the back hallway and to the small girls’ dressing room. I drag him inside with me and lean my back against the door.
What am I doing?
“Thanks for believing in me. For telling me I could do this. I’m sad that you won’t be my Romeo anymore.” All true. All okay. Why did I need privacy for this? My heart’s hammering is making it hard to breathe, or maybe it’s from my run, or maybe it’s just from Luke.
He opens his mouth to speak, but leans in and kisses me instead. The power of him shoots through my core, pulling us together. We’re alone here. Romeo and Juliet saying a goodbye that doesn’t end in death. A goodbye with me going back to where I’m supposed to be and him moving on to whoever he’ll move on to next.
Right now it’s just us. I pull him as close as I can. Our lips move together like we’ll never see one another again, like our life depends on how desperate we are. His hands wrap tight around my back trying to pull me closer, even though there’s really no way for that to be possible. Not while standing.
Footsteps in the hallway signal our time is done. For real.
The End.
I pull away breathless. “I have to go.”
“Ronnie.” He keeps my hand. His eyes see me, through me, know me. “I wasn’t acting.”
I’m about to do the unthinkable. Hurting Luke makes my stomach turn, but I have no other choice. “I was.” I open the door and run into the hallway before Shawn has cause to be angrier. I need to find him. The lines between Luke and I are blurred beyond recognition and I need him to straighten them out for me.
“Ronnie!” Luke calls out after me. “Ronnie!” More desperate. I can’t look back. If I do it’ll mean that Shawn was right. It’ll mean that I have to face Luke and what he means to me, and maybe what I mean to him as well. I can’t do it, not right now, not to the guy I’ve loved since I knew how to love.
Mom, Dad and Shawn are waiting for me as I step from backstage.
“Oh, honey.” Mom puts her arms around me. “Why are you crying?”
Am I? Am I crying over what I can’t have?
Shawn’s brows pull together. He’s confused, and probably doesn’t know how to feel right now. How would I feel if he just gave Romeo’s performance with the same enthusiasm as Luke? With someone who wasn’t me?
“You did a great job.” Dad pulls me into a hug next. “I know Shawn wants to take you out, so I’ll let you guys go.”
I smile wide at Shawn. Will he ever know what I chose him over? How important he is to me, for me to give up anyone and everyone for him…even Luke? His hand reaches out and takes mine, tightly. My stomach sinks.
“Ready?” His smile is forced.
I step in beside him, still in my white dress from the play. My fingers start to ache from his grip. “Softer, please,” I whisper.
His hand relaxes. “That was…”
Light voice, relaxed voice…
“Was it totally weird for you?”
“You two were really good. It was beyond weird.” He shakes his head.
“You know I love you, right?” I reach my hand across my body and take his arm.
Shawn takes a deep breath, but I can tell he’s struggling to stay calm. At least he’s working on it, that’s good. Why am I here with him when I could be inside with Luke? The thought of Luke standing alone in the hallway, calling out after me, burns my eyes with fresh tears, but I suck in a breath, suck them away. Gone. Done. Over.
“Mom’s still gone. I thought you could come to my house and celebrate with me?”
I squeeze his hand. I’m not sure what he has in mind, but it doesn’t much matter right now. Right now I just want to make sure we’re happy.
As we drive to his house in his mother’s car, his smile becomes more genuine. I kiss his neck, his cheek, his lips, anything I can think of to put myself in this moment with him. He chuckles and makes a show of leaning away so he can drive.
My heart splits. Divides.
Where’s Luke right now? What’s he thinking? Does he feel as ripped apart as I do? No. No one’s holding the other half of him. I can’t think about how much I might have hurt him when I walked, no,
ran
away.
Did I do the right thing?
“You still here?” Shawn teases.
“Yeah.” But when I look up we’re parked in his driveway and the car is off. I have no idea when we got here.
“Are you hungry? Do you want to go inside and eat? Swim in the backyard?”
“Can we walk?” I ask.
“Walk.” His voice tells me it’s probably last on his list.
“I love this dress, and I’m not ready to take it off.” Which is true. The thought of bringing part of the passion I felt as Juliet between Shawn and I sounds perfect. Maybe keeping the dress on will help.
He climbs out, runs around the front of the car and opens my door. His hand reaches in and I take it to stand.
“Does that mean,” he leans in close and whispers. “That you might want to take it off later?”
My heart begins to pound hard and fast in my chest. This is the decision point, right? Shawn’s my choice. I love him. I want him forever. Our eyes meet, and I’m still so undecided.
Why
am I still so undecided? About everything? “Maybe.”
His lips touch mine softly. Shawn is all sweetness, and what kind of horrible person am I that I’m comparing my kiss with him to my earlier kiss with Luke? It’s like claws are digging into me, into my chest, into my gut, making me question how I feel for everyone. How I feel for Luke, for Shawn, for Romeo…it’s all such a mess.
We walk together, my dress swishing around my ankles and flying out around me. The whiteness of the fabric glows in the faint light.
“Park?” he asks.
“Love to.” We take a shortcut between four small homes leading to the wide expanse of grass and trees.
My smile starts to spread. I feel some of the lightness I felt as Juliet, simply falling. This is what I want with Shawn.
“Come on!” I pull his hand and we start running. It feels amazing, his hand in mine, my dress floating around me. It’s like we’re running away from everything trying to keep us from being happy. Away from Luke, from Shawn’s dad, from Shawn’s anger, from my uncertainty.
I stop under a huge tree with branches forming a haven of leaves around us. Still breathless from our run, I kiss him. Hard. Deep. I only breathe when I have to. I take the passion from the play and turn it on Shawn. I want to feel like I’ve escaped the world with my true Romeo.
“Ronnie, I love you so much.” His hands hold my sides, lay flat across my lower back, bringing our hips together.
We’re suddenly on the ground, his weight on me, his hands on me. Our fingers slide together as our tongues meet and he pushes our hands between his legs, making sure I feel him the way he wants me to. Ready for more.