Knee Deep (3 page)

“But I’ve always had an aversion to wrestlers. And I’ve always been afraid of Luke ‘cause he’s so hot. Anyway, if boys don’t count, even though they have a
specialty
…” she widens her eyes. “My mechanic class counts. I’m gonna learn how to fix Peter Rabbit so he stops costing me so much.” Peter Rabbit is her beloved VW…Rabbit, of course.

“And is Paul in this class?” I ask.

“Yes he is!” She grins so wide I can see her molars.

“Good luck with that…” I finish writing her goal, aside from the Luke part.

Mindy will date a wrestler (even though…eww) and learn to fix Peter.

“I don’t need luck. He can’t stop staring at my legs.” She smirks, leans further into her lounge chair, and takes a long drink of Pepsi.

“
I
couldn’t stop staring at your legs.” I point at her with the end of my pen.

“Oh! That reminds me.” She sits back up. “I know you would have called or told me or something, but you and Shawn haven’t…” She’s shaking her head with narrowed eyes.

“No.” A pang hits my chest. Some of my life would be a lot easier if we had, but I know other parts of my life would get infinitely more complicated. It’s just one of those things that continues to make me feel…awkward.

“I get it. No worries. After last year, I’m in
no
hurry.” She lets out a long breath.

Last year she got pregnant—the whole situation sucked, from the guy bailing to her going in for a doctor’s appointment. And then her body aborted on its own, but it was enough to scare the crap out of both of us. And then the ending, even with the relief it brought, sort of sucked too.

“Well Shawn’s ready. I’m just—I don’t know why it still feels like a lot, but it does.” It feels huge—like a stamp on my forehead, or a mountain I need to climb, only it happens while naked and it’s just way too much to deal with.

“So, that’s it. End of story.” She lies back down.

Right. End of story. Only it’s not the end of the story because Shawn’s not going to let it go. I don’t blame him or anything, but the added pressure doesn’t help, it just makes me feel silly, stupid, immature…the list goes on. And now with him acting
off
, it makes it even harder. The problem is that I have no idea what to do about any of it.

~ 3 ~

When I step outside for school Luke’s walking up the street with Mindy’s petite form under his arm. My chest caves in. It all feels so
wrong
. I can’t stop staring as I stand just inside the shadow of my porch. This shouldn’t matter. They’re both my friends, they’re both awesome people and, really, they’re totally suited to each other. But my chest is all heavy and I don’t even want to attempt to take a full breath.

“Hey!” Mindy waves, but doesn’t move from where she’s cradled against Luke.

This is so…
horrible
, but what does it say about me that I don’t want this for my two good friends? Why is it so weird?
It just is.

“What’s with you?” Luke asks.

“Sorry.” I shift my pack up on my shoulder as Luke takes me under his other arm.

“You don’t normally slum with us walkers,” I say to Mindy, trying to keep the teasing tone in my voice.

“I saw Luke as he stepped out of his house and thought I’d walk with you guys today.” I have no idea what her face looks like because I can’t bring myself to look at her. There’s something seriously wrong with me if I can’t be happy for my friend liking my other friend.

“Oh.” And now is when I should smile at her in encouragement or something, but I can’t bring myself to do it. My heart’s pounding all hard and it’s just…wrong.

“You’re too late!” Luke calls out ahead of us. “They’re both mine!”

“Very funny.” Shawn doesn’t even crack a smile. Dark circles rim his eyes and even his tanned face looks pale.

I step away from Luke and into Shawn. I don’t pause until my arms are around him. His body is hard, tense—like I can’t get a good hold on him. “You okay?” I whisper.

“Better if Luke would keep his hands off you,” he whispers back.

“It’s just Luke.” My hands rub his shoulders a few times, and his body slowly relaxes. “What’s going on?” I lean my forehead against his.

“Got in a fight with my dad last night, and then couldn’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You should have called.”

“It was too late.”

“Okay.” I kiss his cheek. Now I’m thinking about what Luke said about Shawn’s dad being stressed. There’s a weight of worry settling over Shawn. Maybe something bad is happening. Maybe he has good reason to be so tense. Not that I think he’d be tense just for fun. I wish he’d just tell me what’s going on with him.

“Let’s go.” His voice sounds normal.

Does this mean he’s okay?

His fingers slide through mine, and we step in behind Luke and Mindy who are, fortunately, no longer touching.

***

“So, what’s up with you and Luke?” I ask, as soon as we’re sitting in art class without the boys. It’s like I have to know, but I don’t want to know. I don’t think. Unless they’re not together, and then I do want to know.

“Operation Paul goes into full effect today.” She smiles. “And I’m in the right dress for it.” She straightens a nearly bare leg in front of her. I wonder if it was Operation Luke first?

“What happened?”

She shrugs. “Luke’s distracted, has a lot going on. I asked if he’d want to go out sometime and we talked while we walked to your house, and he said that, yeah, he just has too much going on right now. I’m cool, he’s cool, and it’s all fine.”

“Just like that?” I’m doing everything I can think of to not sound grateful that things turned out the way they did.
It’s fine. They won’t be together. I need to relax about the whole thing because it shouldn’t matter.

She laughs. “If you keep sounding so relieved I’ll start to think you have a thing for him.”

“Luke?” I laugh. “No way. Especially not with…”

“Shawn.” Her eyes widen. “We all know it’s Shawn and Ronnie
forever
.” She giggles.

“Whatever.” But I smile, knowing it’s true. Or that we want it to be. There’s something incredible about being loved by someone I’ve known for so long. Like he knows me, loves me, and yeah, it’s this thing I can count on. Solid. Stable. The weird way he’s been creeps in but I shake it off. It’s temporary, and going through rough times is all part of being in love with someone.

***

Mindy, and her now almost-boyfriend, Paul, are sharing the lounge chair next to mine. She works fast. Or, her legs do. Operation Paul only went into effect a few days ago, though Mindy’s probably the coolest girl he’s ever had his hands on. She’s right on one count—he broadened
a lot
.

They lie next to one another, not touching, just lounging, eyes closed, in the sun, listening to my dad’s music.

It makes me realize that Shawn is always touching me.
Always.
I’m on my own chair, and he’s on the concrete patio with his hand wrapped around my calf. Is this a good thing? A possessive thing? A ‘no big deal’ thing? Am I suddenly just crazy?

Luke stands over the barbeque next to Dad. He always helps with cooking on the grill. This is one of a million afternoons with friends—warm, peaceful, relaxing.

Mom and Dad’s song comes on, something old by Jack Johnson. I catch Mom out of the corner of my eye as she smiles at Dad’s back, turns up the music and heads in his direction. I get my red hair from Mom, but my height from Dad. Both my older brother Ben and I, look like Dad with Mom’s pale, freckly skin and red hair. Dad’s nearly all grey now, but stands at a broad six feet.

His body turns as the music changes. They meet next to the pool and start dancing. They’ve done this since I was little.

“Don’t let that chicken burn,” Dad warns Luke as he pulls Mom closer. “Because I won’t be paying attention for the next few minutes.” His eyes never waver from hers.

“No, sir!” Luke laughs as he picks up the tongs.

Their noses touch and their eyes close.

I slide my hand across Shawn’s back. In twenty-some years that could be us, dancing in the backyard, faces close, still as much in love as we are now. I glide my fingers through the back of his dark hair.

“Your parents are so weird,” he whispers, as he turns toward me.

“I think it’s sweet.” I watch them across the pool and wonder how anyone wouldn’t want that.

Paul picks Mindy up and places her on her feet. His grin should tide her over ‘til tomorrow. That boy’s thrilled to be where he is. He lets her keep her distance so that even though she’s standing next to him in her swimsuit, she doesn’t look uncomfortable at all. Actually
she
probably has more power to make
him
uncomfortable. I’m glad for her. It’s always nice for Shawn and I when our friends have dates.

Shawn stands up and wanders into my house, probably looking for another soda. And even though he’s had a hand on me all afternoon, he walks away at the one time when I want to be touched. I feel a little hurt that I’m one of three couples in the backyard and I’m not dancing.

I force out a breath. This train of thought isn’t going to do me any good, and is probably just me entertaining little girl fantasies. I swing my legs off the side of my chair and join Luke at the grill.

“I’m jealous of your parents.” He flips over a piece of chicken.

“We all should be,” I say. I stretch my pale, freckly arms out in front of me wondering if there will ever be a time when I like my skin.

His eyes hit mine, filled with questions. Right. I shouldn’t be jealous because I have Shawn.

“I don’t ever remember mine being like that.” His eyes go back to the food.

“How’s your dad doing?” I ask.

Luke’s parents split when we were about fourteen, and Luke was pretty wild for a while. He spent more time drinking, smoking and skipping school than most pothead seniors do. He started to pull out of it at the beginning of junior year, and I think Shawn coming back into town around Christmas really helped him finish getting back on track.

“Okay. Busy like always.” Luke shrugs.

“Good.” Now I’m not sure what else to say. “Mindy said that she…”

“I didn’t hurt her feelings, did I?” He gestures toward her subtly with his chin. “She seems to be doing fine.” He smirks.

“Yeah, she was okay with it.” The whole thing made
me
feel all crazy but I survived, and it’s not something I’m going to bring up.

“Gonna try for the play this year?” he asks. “I saw you talking to Mr. Blackman the other day.”

I suck in a breath. Perfect. Subject change. “I’ve always wanted to, and now it’s like, senior year, so it seems like I’m about to lose my opportunity.”

“You should. It’s fun. I’m in again this year.” He shrugs.

“It just doesn’t seem like a Luke thing to do.” I chuckle.

“And what does?” His golden brown eyes find mine.

“I don’t know.”
Making out with hot girls at the beach maybe?
But I guess he’s mellowed out a bit and that’s not a fair thing to say anymore.

“They’re a pretty non-judgmental group of people. Since I seem to be able to hang with whoever I want, they’re a good group.” He pokes the meat with Dad’s tongs just like Dad does.

“You’re funny.” Everyone likes Luke, why would he worry about fitting in anywhere?

“I’m taking Aubrey out this weekend.” He sighs.

“Don’t sound so excited,” I tease.

His weight shifts and he begins to flip over the chicken pieces. “She’s nice, but it was like she kept hinting, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just asked her out. It was almost as awkward as Mindy, and I’m still not sure why I said I’d go.”

I shake my head. “You have absolutely no idea that almost every girl in our school would love a chance to go out with you.”

“
Almost
?” He tries to tease, but I can tell by his tone and how his brows go up that he’s also a bit surprised by my comment.

“Well, some of us are already occupied.” I wink.

Just then, Shawn’s arms come around me from behind. “What are
you
two doing over here?”

“Sweating over the grill so
you
can eat.” Luke points the tongs at Shawn, chuckling.

“Whatever, man.” Shawn pulls me back with him. “Let’s jump in.”

“I don’t know—” But I don’t get a chance to finish before Shawn and I are airborne and hit the water together.

I play along and laugh because the attention from him is always good, but I
just
dried off and have a hard time pushing the irritation away.

Dad takes over at the grill. Mindy, Paul and Luke all sit on the edge of the pool with their feet in while Shawn and I float.

Luke’s eyes are the first thing I see when I get out, sending something like tingles straight through me. I pull in a breath and look away. I have to be misreading the way he’s looking at me. It’s Luke. My
friend
Luke.

Shawn takes my hand and finds me a chair in the shade so we can eat comfortably. Mom’s on Dad’s lap. Mindy and Paul sit close, and Shawn’s hand rests over my shoulder, making me wonder how he’ll manage to eat his dinner. Luke’s eyes don’t meet mine again. I know the look from him was just odd timing, but he suddenly seems kind of alone. I
guess
I hope he and Aubrey get along. She seems nice. But at the same time, I have yet to meet a girl who’s good enough for Luke.

~ 4 ~

“I’m the understudy for Juliet!” I throw my arms around Shawn and our chests hit, knocking the breath from me in my excitement. I’m sort of in disbelief that my name will be part of the production at all.

He leans his face back just far enough to catch my eyes, and cocks a brow. “Isn’t that kind of like telling you that you don’t have a part?”

My arms drop and I feel a pang in my chest. I know I shouldn’t be hurt because he doesn’t understand the theater stuff, but his words sting just the same. This is something I’m excited about. I don’t give a crap about amps and watts and speakers, but I sit and talk with him when
he
wants to.

“Not at all. She definitely has a part.” Luke rests his arm on Shawn’s shoulder—warping the face of his Cookie Monster t-shirt. “She’s never done theater before and all the other girls who tried out for it have. It’s a big deal.”

I’m glad Luke understands; maybe he’ll make sure Shawn does too.

Shawn shakes his head. “I can’t believe you two are going to make me hang out with a bunch of theater geeks.”

“If it’d make you feel better, Ronnie and I could just leave you behind.” Luke smirks and pretends to reach for my arm.

“Hands off my girl, punk.” Shawn pushes him away with a smile. “Where’s Cris?”

How does Shawn not know this? My heart sinks at the look on Luke’s face.

“We…uh, broke up.” He shrugs, but his face holds something else. Guess he really did like her.

“Wow, I thought you were like, tight.” Shawn makes a motion with his hips.

Could he be more insensitive? I slap his chest with the back of my hand. “Seriously? Is that
all
you boys think about?”

“No. Yes.” Shawn’s head wobbles back and forth. “Mostly, yeah.” And then his dark eyes hit mine like there’s nothing he’d rather look at. He brushes a few stray strands off my face, sending butterflies dancing in every direction. “But only cause I love you so much.” His mouth meets mine so softly, so easily, that I can’t stop kissing him. Waves of happy tingles move through me, as I melt against him. This is me and Shawn at our best.

“Oh-kay.” Luke chuckles. “That’s my sign to get lost.”

I try to pull away to wave goodbye, but my lips, face, and body are otherwise occupied, which feels about perfect.

***

My head rests on the warmth of Shawn’s chest as we lie on his twin bed watching a movie where everything blows up. I generally don’t care what we watch because we can be like this, snuggled together in his room, which is my favorite thing in the world to do. One arm rests around my waist while the fingers on his other hand play with small strands of my hair. Everything is warm, soft and comfortable.

The front door slams and Shawn jumps. “Shit.” He sits up fast, his whole body taut. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know, like ten?” I slowly sit up, resting on my hands behind me, and mourning the loss of warmth.

“Diane!” His dad’s voice is sharp. Hard.

My heart jumps and starts running a marathon.

Shawn leans forward and locks his door, now facing directly away from me. His eyes don’t meet mine. He grabs the remote and turns up the TV. I can no longer make out his dad’s words, but the anger is there—seeping under Shawn’s door, through the walls, making my chest tighten. My dad has never talked to my mom that way, not even when they argue.

What’s going on?
The only thing I hear above the TV is my heart thumping in my ears.

I touch Shawn’s arm, and it’s like I’ve released him from a vice—his body slumps forward, elbows on knees. “Dad’s been stressed. You know, since we moved.” The words come out in a mumbling rush.

I slide up behind him on the bed, wrap my arms and legs around his waist, and kiss the back of his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” This is what I can do, the
only
thing I can think of to do.

His arms tighten over mine, and we just sit. His dad’s voice is louder than the TV at several points, but neither of us says anything. I just keep my arms and legs tight, as he sits still and lets me hold him. My body’s tense. I jump occasionally at a particularly loud outburst, and all I hope is that he doesn’t come knocking on the door. I hold Shawn tighter.

No wonder he’s been so weird, so stressed, so tight. Who wouldn’t be? There are a million questions running through my head.

Does this happen often?

Is your Mom okay? She’s out there with him alone.

Does he yell at you?

Are you scared?

Why didn’t you tell me?

Does Luke know?

Does
anyone
know?

How long has this been going on?

My arms wrap even tighter as the questions pour through me. We’re left with nothing but the noise of the TV.

The yelling seems to have stopped. We sit. We wait. And wait. My face is still pressed into his back, and our arms and hands are laced together across his stomach.

Shawn turns sideways to face me. “This isn’t like, normal or anything, okay?” But his face looks broken.

“Okay.” I pull on him until he’s close enough so I can kiss his cheek. And as much as my heart aches for him, I’m also relieved there’s an explanation for his weird behavior. Because this is it. This has to be it. Who wouldn’t be stressed with something like this going on in their world?

“He just gets moody once in a while.” He shakes his head and attempts a smile.

I guess we’re making light of it. Okay. “Kinda like his son, huh?” I tease.

His brows pull down and his jaw flexes. “I’m not like my dad.”

My heart jumps again, but I know I just need to sound relaxed. “I always thought your dad was pretty cool.” I shrug. “Everyone has off days.” Not like the yelling man in the next room, but I keep that to myself. Maybe if I can play this off as ‘no-big deal,’ it won’t be. With the look on Shawn’s face, I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants.

“Please don’t say anything.” He rests his forehead against mine and runs a hand over my head and down my back.

I tilt my head to press our lips together. “Love you, Shawn.” This is all so foreign, and
real
. But if I can pretend that it’s okay, maybe Shawn can too. I’ll just need to work a little harder to make sure his life away from all this is as relaxed as possible.

“Love you.” His arms come around me, almost crushing me against him.

But what am I supposed to do with this information? It’s like I’ll burst if I can’t tell someone, but I know I can’t. Not right now. And then another thought hits me. Is he this way with Shawn? What does he mean by
not normal
? Does it happen often? Does he stop at yelling? I’m not sure about any of it, but I know it makes me scared.
I
was scared, and I sat with Shawn in front of me behind a locked door. What’s it like when he’s here by himself?

***

Mindy and I sit on the very pink, plush floor of her room, the music hopefully loud enough to drown out our voices so her parents won’t hear.

“I have an unexpected first to add to the notebook,” Mindy announces.

My eyebrows rise. “Did you sleep with a wrestler? Because I don’t think our book needs to be a play-by-play of our romantic encounters.” I smirk.

“And yours would be almost empty.” She smirks back.

I look down. Weight settles in my chest. From Shawn I get the teasing. But from Mindy?

“Crap, Ronnie. I’m sorry. I don’t mean it.” She bumps my shoulder with hers.

“It’s true. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I’m sure I’m just being stupid and overly romantic about the whole thing.

She bites her lip as if she’s about to say something, but keeps it to herself.

I’m relieved. “Your first…?” Time to get back to Mindy.

“Made out in the boy’s locker room.” She giggles.

Giggling. That’s good. Better than me thinking about Shawn’s dad, or how weird I must be for not wanting to have sex with my boyfriend. “Doesn’t it
smell
in there?” I ask. Not to mention no privacy, and just…gross. And as crazy as it is, I’m actually preferring to think about the smelly boys’ locker room than our last topic.

“Why yes it does.” She laughs. “He grabbed me and dragged me in there after school, both of us were laughing, and then it was like we were alone in this room and we weren’t laughing anymore, and it makes me all happy just to
think
about it.”

“Great, Mindy.” I shake my head, partially feeling like I just indulged a five year old with their favorite snack. “You can add it.”

“I will.” She sits up tall and smug, taking the notebook from my grasp.

“Nothing for me.” I sigh, yet another weight settling on me. “Like always.” I certainly can’t add in my night with Shawn and his screaming father. It’s still too crazy. Heavy.

“I didn’t mean it, Ronnie. I just…if you’ve been together this long and you don’t really want to, what does that say?”

“That I’m really cautious? That I’m just not ready?” I offer. What
does
it say? Am I that strange? Different? Will we get to a point where Shawn gets tired of waiting? Then I take a deep breath in, sliding my fingers over the bracelet he gave me the night he moved back. No. And this is the awesome part of being with someone like him. We’re solid. He loves me. Everything we do will happen when we
both
want it to. Shawn and I have forever.

***

I step into the school’s theater for my first day of rehearsal. A sea of blue theater chairs fan out in front of me toward the stage. The soft yellow stage lights are on, reflecting only slightly on the black stage.

My eyes scan the group already congregated. I recognize most of the people here, but not all. Like most of the time I’m in a long dress, and the fabric swishes around my ankles as I hold it up to climb onto the stage. I stare at my feet and then at the lights above, mostly because I’m not sure where I should be, and don’t want to sit in the wrong spot or next to the wrong person, or…

“Ronnie.” Luke grins and waves me over.

I take the spot next to him as Blackman walks the room, handing us each a script. I’ve already read and re-read the play, but this is the edited version. Shakespeare’s version is too long for a high school play.

“We’ll be performing this in the correct dress of the day, per Master William’s instructions.” He gives us all a smile. He’s a tall thin man, like a string bean, but when he’s on the stage, like he is now, he looks even taller and thinner. He sports a small mustache—giving him the nickname Hitler—even though he’s one of the nicest teachers in school.

“Let’s find a comfy spot, circle up, and do a read-through.” He drops to a cross-legged sitting position, and we all follow suit forming a wobbly large circle on the well-worn, black painted boards of the stage.

Again, the number of blue seats stretching outward from the stage hollows out my chest, making me afraid of the staring faces that will occupy them—even though the chances of me actually doing any performing are slim. It’s imposing but also powerful—even though no one’s here.

He asks us to announce our roles one at a time. Luke is Romeo and Liesl is Juliet. Liesl’s a pretty, round-faced girl, with smooth blonde hair. Everyone knows her, because she does everything—student government, sports, theater, choir. The list is long. She and Luke will look great together. I wonder if she’ll be his next girlfriend.

Each person gives their name and role, or job. A lot of them are here to help with costumes, sets, lighting, stage manager…things that I hadn’t given much thought to before now. I think only half are acting. This is somehow unexpected.

Mr. Blackman chuckles. “That was fun. Luke and Liesl? You two both know the rules for playing opposite each other.”

The group immediately breaks out into whispers. I’m lost, but the tension is thick, and I lean forward in anticipation.

Luke’s cheeks begin to glow in this pinkish red color, which is something I’ve
never
seen.

I’m biting my lower lip in anticipation.

Luke sighs and lets his shoulders slump, but anyone could see he’s teasing. Liesl moves to sit in front of him like an old pro. Guess she knows what to expect.

He leans forward, touches the bottom of her chin with his fingertips and kisses her softly, with a slight hesitation, right on the mouth. Shivers run down my spine—I wonder what it was like to be on the receiving end of
that
. I get warm and tingly just sitting
next
to him. No wonder Luke doesn’t have a hard time getting girls.

“Perfect.” Mr. Blackman laughs. “Now you two have kissed, so it won’t slow us down. And you, Ronnie, will get to kiss this fine young man if Liesl backs out.” Mr. Blackman grins over his clipboard.

I make a face at Luke, narrowing my eyes and scrunching my nose. “Well, I’ve already kissed him once and…”

‘Ooohs’ echo from the group.

“I’m curious as to who I get to kiss if
he
backs out?” I fold my arms in front of me, acting
way
braver than I feel.

“That would be…” His finger runs down the list. “Curtis.”

Curtis offers a quick wave at me from across the circle; his cheeks are redder than his hair which is almost, but not quite, as red as mine.

“Just curious, thanks.” I try to lean back and let my shoulders fall to show I’m totally relaxed, which I’m not. Kissing was the part of all this that I hadn’t really thought about when I tried out. Should have been obvious, being
Romeo and Juliet
, and all.

***

The read-through pulls me straight into the story—the tingles of first glimpses, the intensity of first kisses, first loves, the desperation of finding a way to be together against all odds. And even though I know the end my breath hitches, and I have to touch the outside of my eyes to stop the tears from escaping for the two lost lovers.

Luke chuckles softly as our eyes meet. He rubs his hand a few times across my back, really just making me feel more like a kid who needs protection. But he’s also warm, and his touch calms some of the rawness of emotion.