Knife Edge (2 page)

‘Is everything all right?’

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

‘Rob?’

He gently untangled himself from her arms and got to his feet, pulse quickening. This was it. He had to do it now, take the risk of losing her while he still could. And hope that he knew her well enough to bring her through it all.

‘Rob?’ She was gazing up at him, a small figure in the corner of the sofa, questions in her eyes.

He moved over to the door, gently pushed it until he heard it click shut, then leaned back against it, studying her.

‘What’s going on, Rob? Talk to me, please.’ She sounded concerned. Bless her,
she
was concerned for
him
.

If only he could spare her …

‘Some things are difficult to say,’ he sighed.

‘It’s OK, you can tell me.’ She began to get to her feet, but he shook his head abruptly, pointing at the sofa. She faltered, and sat down again.

They looked at each other for a moment, then he turned his gaze to the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. It had to be said carefully.

‘Rob?’ She spoke in a small voice but it cut across the silence that had fallen on the room. ‘What’s wrong?’

He looked up at her, and again she seemed to flinch slightly. As though she could already see a glimmer of the secret in his eyes, as though she was suddenly worried by what he might say.

She had no idea.

‘Kim …’ He had to tell her. There was no other way. Maybe not everything, maybe not all at once, but he had to know if she could take it. ‘I really care for you, Kim.’

The right words, but something about the way he’d said them unsettled her. Her eyes widened just a little as she stared up at him.

‘I want us to be open with each other.’ Again, calming words, but her expression didn’t relax.

‘I’m always open with you,’ she said, then hesitated, realising that it wasn’t her he was talking about.

He saw the understanding on her face, the worry, and nodded very slightly.

‘Rob?’ She bit her lip then watched him carefully as she whispered, ‘Is there someone else?’

Always that same question: her greatest fear. At least, it had been until today.

He shook his head, and for a moment she seemed relieved. But he didn’t smile. He didn’t reassure her. Didn’t tell her there was nothing to worry about. He stood silently, leaning against the closed door, allowing her to grasp that it was something else. Something worse.

He could hear her breathing, delicate and close over the distant roar of the sea. Her eyes began to glisten and she hugged her knees, pulling them up to her chin, but never taking her gaze off him.

‘You’re scaring me, Rob.’

There was power in this. Part of him exulted in a glimpse of the future, where she both feared and loved him, recognising his true abilities, knowing what no one else knew about him. It was a sensation that almost overwhelmed him, and the possibility that he might taste it gave him strength and drove him on.

If she could cope with the truth. If she could survive being told.

Oddly, she didn’t ask if he was leaving her – her mind had already raced ahead to darker possibilities. He watched her shrinking into the corner of the sofa, saying nothing to her, forcing her to break the silence first.

‘Are you in trouble, Rob?’

She said it almost hopefully, as though it might be something she could deal with, something she could help with.

‘No …’ He said it carefully, leading her towards the next question.

‘Have you done something?’ Her eyes widened as different fears flitted across her mind. ‘Something bad?’

He stared at her, feeling an overwhelming release wash over him – and slowly nodded.

‘Oh!’ She put her hand across her mouth, her eyes staring. ‘Nothing … sick? Nothing with children …?’

‘Of course not!’ He leaned back against the door, shaking his head.

How could she even say something like that?

‘I would
never
harm a child …’ He frowned at her. ‘And it’s nothing … sexual.’

There was a momentary flicker of relief in her eyes, but then her face fell as it dawned on her what remained.

‘Have you …’ She couldn’t say the word. ‘Hurt someone?’

Unblinking, he held her gaze for a moment, then nodded.

‘Oh God. Rob, you haven’t killed someone, have you?’

She was looking at him, the first tears running down her cheeks, her eyes imploring him to deny it, but he just stared back at her.

‘Oh God!’ She bit her lip, her hand quivering in front of her mouth, wide eyes blinking, not knowing what to do.

He waited for as long as he could, trying to give her a moment, a chance to take it in, but he could see she was about to crack.

‘Kim?’

She was trembling, breathing too quickly.

‘I’m the same person now that I was yesterday,’ he said, softly.

Kim looked at him, tears streaming now, shaking.

‘Nothing’s changed,’ he told her. He could feel tears of his own forming. ‘Not unless
you
feel it has.’

For a long moment their eyes were locked, each trying to read the other. He desperately wanted her to get through this. She
had
to. He didn’t want to lose her, but he had to know, had to be sure. And if she couldn’t accept it, he wouldn’t let her know what was coming. He wanted it to be quick for her.

Kim blinked, wiping her eyes.

‘Was it an accident?’ She had to ask, but he could see she already knew. He could tell her in stages, cushion the blow a little, but he wouldn’t lie to her.

He shook his head.

‘No.’

She started to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. Her breathing became erratic, her trembling more pronounced as she pressed her palms against the side of her face. This was the moment. If she could just keep it together …

‘Oh Rob! What happened?
Why
?’

Fresh tears, her voice catching, and then it was finally too much to hold in and she hid her face, weeping desperately into her hands.

So beautiful.

He moved closer, instinctively wanting to console her, to soothe her.

‘Kim …’

She flinched from his touch, and for a sickening moment he thought he had lost her.

But it was anger. Her tear-streaked face, eyes screwed-up, peering out between long strands of dark hair. She jerked herself back from him, then stood shaking, her hands clenched into fists at her side.

‘Why? Why would you do something like that?’ Her voice choked as she gulped down ragged breaths. ‘What the fuck have you done?’

He stood in silence, letting her yell and hit him until she was spent, then gently put his arms around her as she finally buried her face in his chest, still sobbing quietly.

And held her close.

The sun was shining, but not for her. Sitting on the cushioned window seat of the cottage bedroom, Kim toyed absently with a strand of her hair. She felt numb, and there was a terrible weariness that she couldn’t shake off, despite crying herself to sleep early and getting up late. In those first cruel moments after waking she hadn’t remembered their talk, or what he’d told her. For a few blissful heartbeats everything had been just like it was before. But then it had all come crashing back in on her, and suddenly she was so very tired.

It wasn’t true. Couldn’t be.

But somehow she knew he wouldn’t lie to her. Not about this. She caressed the fabric of the cushion, then dug her fingernails into it, watching her knuckles whiten with effort.

Oh God. Rob …

Her thoughts were vague now, distracted. What was wrong with her? She should have said more, last night, this morning. She should have walked out, but somehow she didn’t have the energy. Upset and anger had carried her through the first few hours, but now she felt detached from it all, as though it was happening to someone else, someone she didn’t really care that much about.

She cared about Rob …

… about the person she’d thought he was. But what if that person didn’t exist?

Her eyes were dry, sore from staring too long at the sea. She blinked, then rubbed them carefully. Where were the tears when she needed them?

She needed him.

But he was different now. It was as though there were two separate people, twisted together inside the same body. Two of them sharing her life, sharing her bed, for all that time. She shuddered. All that time, and until yesterday she’d only noticed one of them.

She drew her feet in close on the broad seat, pulling up her knees and resting her chin on them. Her fingers traced the line of the pattern woven into the fabric of the cushion and she listened intently for a moment, but there was no sound except the distant roar of the sea. She wondered where he was, what he was doing, pictured his face.

When she’d looked at him this morning, and he’d smiled back, had that been
her
Rob?

Or was it the stranger?

The sunlight was warm on her leg, but she still felt cold inside.

It was too much to take in.

And he’d only just begun to tell her about it. No details, no excuses, no answers to her sobbing questions. How much was he holding back, and what was still to come?

He’d always been so confident, right from that first evening back in Taunton. She’d gone out with a few colleagues from work – somebody’s birthday probably. Not her usual group of girls, and definitely not one of her usual places – crowded together under a haze of stale beer and supermarket aftershave. A stray elbow had spilled her drink and she’d pushed her way towards the bar for another, jostled and groped by unseen hands as she fought to maintain her place in the sea of taller people surrounding her.

And then she was trapped against a pillar, with three young guys leering down at her, all hair gel and short-sleeved shirts. She’d tried to get the barman’s attention but they shouted her down; tried to move away but they hemmed her in and blocked her escape. Faces close enough to smell the alcohol on their breath, drunken laughter hooting louder and louder, but it wasn’t funny any more.

And then he was there beside her. Calm and strong, he pushed the nearest of her tormentors aside and spoke to her in a rich voice that was loud enough for them to hear.

‘Kim! How’s it going? What are you doing here?’

At the time she was so surprised she didn’t think to ask how he knew her name. They’d certainly never met – she would have remembered him. Staring up into those glittering eyes, she’d found her panic subsiding and glanced across at the three drunks, who hesitated, suddenly less sure of themselves.

‘What are you drinking?’ Her rescuer was wearing a dark, tailored jacket, with a crisp blue shirt open at the collar. He smiled at her and called a barman across. ‘A vodka and tonic, and …?’

‘Er … rum and Coke.’ There was an overwhelming sense of relief as she’d followed his lead, allowed him to take control of the situation. His watchful eyes flickered up to see the short-sleeved trio moving away, then he turned back to her and winked.

‘Thanks,’ she said, aware that her heart was racing, grateful for the intervention.

‘It’s nothing,’ he smiled. ‘I just thought you might be getting bored of them.’

She looked away and laughed, suddenly self-conscious.

‘Something like that.’ She paused, then looked up at him with a slight frown. ‘How did you know my name?’

He smiled at her for a moment, but said nothing as he turned to pay the barman for their drinks. Then, rather than hand her glass to her, he leaned in close, inclining his head to speak softly in her ear.

‘Do you really want to know?’

‘Yes,’ she nodded.

His hand reached up, gentle fingertips brushing her throat, beginning to trace slowly down towards her breasts. She gasped, but didn’t move, a shiver of arousal flickering in her as his mouth came close to her ear. His finger paused at the chain around her neck.

‘It’s written on your necklace.’

They’d both laughed at that, but she knew there was something different about him, something about the way he looked at her that made her tingle. And he was so very sure of himself.

‘Let me see your phone for a second,’ he’d said, and she found herself taking it from her bag and handing it over without question.

‘Thanks,’ he smiled, his thumb moving quickly on the buttons. ‘I’m here with some people, so I have to get back to them. But I’m just sending myself a text so I’ll have your number. That way I can call you tomorrow.’

‘OK.’
OK
? Nobody had ever spoken to her like this before. What was the matter with her? Why did she feel like this? What was it about this man that made her so accepting?

She saw him hit ‘Send’, then he turned the phone in his hand and offered it to her.

‘I’m Rob,’ he said. Their fingers touched as she took her phone back.

‘Kim,’ she replied, then laughed as she remembered that he already knew.

He ignored her mistake, holding her gaze for a long moment, then that wonderful warm smile lit up his face.

‘It’s been good to meet you, Kim.’

She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there on the window seat. Behind her, the door opened and she heard him walk slowly into the room. Again, she wondered why she wasn’t more upset with him, but all those emotions had bled out of her in the night, and her anger was far away.

‘Hey.’ His voice was soft, careful.

She sat up, pushing her hair back from her face.

‘Hey.’ Her own voice, flat.

He moved across to where she was sitting, hesitating for a moment, then leaning forward to look out of the window. He was wearing the cologne she’d bought him.

‘Sun’s out.’ A long pause, then, ‘I thought we could go down the bay path, maybe have lunch on the beach?’

She looked over her shoulder at him, searching his eyes for the man she knew, and finding him gazing down at her.

‘OK,’ she nodded.

His expression softened and he smiled at her, the warm smile that had reassured her so many times before.

‘I’ll go and grab a few things from the kitchen,’ he said, straightening up and moving towards the door.